Spoiled fiance. HELP!!! Its slowly starting to tear me apart!!!

[musclehealth]

I need someones help with my current situation. I'm sure someone here can relate to what I am going through...

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years.(getting married in late 2010). I grew up middle class with a single mother. I was always told to save for a rainy day and to spend money smart. The harder you work now the less you have to work later. My fiance was given everything. designer purses, new cars, the best of the best. When college came around we met. Her parents paid her rent, and her school. Any money she made working was play money (bars, jewelery, clothes). Now me on the other hand, I was working to pay the rent and eat and get a couple beers. After college we got engaged, moved in together and seem to have 1 thing that haunts us. MONEY. Yes, I know money is the main reason for fighting. But....

How to I teach her that there are needs and wants? Daily I am put in the position to where I have to say "NO" to something she wants. For example: This week we only had $130 left till we got paid. I planned on not touching that money other then getting the basics we needed(little food for the fridge etc). We ended up at the store and she saw some custain rods she wanted to buy. She says "lets get them". I had to step in and say we dont have enough money right now. The curtain rods can wait. Guess what I was doing 2 hours later. Hanging curtain rods we spend $30 on.

I feel like you can only say NO so many times before it becomes disrespect towards me. When someone asks for something they know you cant provide it hurts. She knows I cant give her alot of things she asks for but still asks.

No. No. No we dont have the money. Not yet. Not at this time baby. We cant afford it. The money is not there. We are broke. Maybe after I get a raise. Etc...etc...etc...

When does it all stop? And how?????

 

[pesty4077]

I need someones help with my current situation. I'm sure someone here can relate to what I am going through...

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years.(getting married in late 2010). I grew up middle class with a single mother. I was always told to save for a rainy day and to spend money smart. The harder you work now the less you have to work later. My fiance was given everything. designer purses, new cars, the best of the best. When college came around we met. Her parents paid her rent, and her school. Any money she made working was play money (bars, jewelery, clothes). Now me on the other hand, I was working to pay the rent and eat and get a couple beers. After college we got engaged, moved in together and seem to have 1 thing that haunts us. MONEY. Yes, I know money is the main reason for fighting. But....

How to I teach her that there are needs and wants? Daily I am put in the position to where I have to say "NO" to something she wants. For example: This week we only had $130 left till we got paid. I planned on not touching that money other then getting the basics we needed(little food for the fridge etc). We ended up at the store and she saw some custain rods she wanted to buy. She says "lets get them". I had to step in and say we dont have enough money right now. The curtain rods can wait. Guess what I was doing 2 hours later. Hanging curtain rods we spend $30 on.

I feel like you can only say NO so many times before it becomes disrespect towards me. When someone asks for something they know you cant provide it hurts. She knows I cant give her alot of things she asks for but still asks.

No. No. No we dont have the money. Not yet. Not at this time baby. We cant afford it. The money is not there. We are broke. Maybe after I get a raise. Etc...etc...etc...

When does it all stop? And how?????

LMAO, Welcome to the real world! I been with my wife 19 years and still doing these things. I ask my wife why she married me and she tells me, because I will work hard. (You take it from there) You have to find a common ground and unfornately there will be nights of arguing, before then. Marriage is a commitment, it takes two, too tangle. My wife was working when we married and now I am the only one, talk about responsibity, including me I have to take care of 5. Get a budget and stick with it. Put in that Budget some things for her(Happy wife=happy life) Tell her to work at least part time and then let her have some for herself. Worst thing for a marriage is finaces, straighten it out now.

 

[Designbuilt]

LMAO, Welcome to the real world! I been with my wife 19 years and still doing these things. I ask my wife why she married me and she tells me, because I will work hard. (You take it from there) You have to find a common ground and unfornately there will be nights of arguing, before then. Marriage is a commitment, it takes two, too tangle. My wife was working when we married and now I am the only one, talk about responsibity, including me I have to take care of 5. Get a budget and stick with it. Put in that Budget some things for her(Happy wife=happy life) Tell her to work at least part time and then let her have some for herself. Worst thing for a marriage is finaces, straighten it out now.

Very solid advice. I've been married for 9 years come June 23rd. My wife was the same way, she would work just to party it away, and always had coach purses, expensive everything and I was spoiling her at first, I would buy her 15 pairs of shoes at a time, we would go out every single day, sometimes 2 times/day. Eventually I was the only one working, but then I said enough is enough.

It finally changed for the better when my son was born, we both seemed to get more responsibility.

Having a baby will put life into perspective, you never want to be broke when you have someone else depending on you and your role changes now you have your own family. Like Pesty said, get a budget together and talk to her.

Good luck

 

[BigChef]

Gidday Mate,

I know how u feel. Best thing is sit down with ya Missus, talk bout the budget,goals, plans etc. Dont get angry or lose ya cool because it will make it worse.

You have to let her know how much you loved her and you really wanted to make it work.

Remember, there is an old saying, you cant buy love. Money does not grow on tree's.

Do a weekly budget, try and compromised with her and this is very important.
What I do with my wife, we sat down each pay we get and talk bout our weekly budget, rent, electricity etc etc...But one thing it work for us is, we have what we called it, Pocket money. We are allowed lets say 50-100 dollars spending money per week. Learn to stretch it out for 1 week till next pay. That way, I cant tell her what to do with her pocket money nor she can tell me what do to with my pocket money. It's a compromised thing. It really works !

Hope it helps mate.

Regards,

Chef

 

[triathloncoach]

My Advice

Don't get married until you're 35. Although in my case I should have shot for 40.

 

[GymDudeVA]

What happened between explaining that there was no money, and hanging the curtain rods??? And key phrase: "She knows I cant give her alot of things she asks for but still asks." Yes, this is disrespectful at a basic level, and yes, it is hurtful, and NO you don't want a lifetime of this. Run for the hills. She is used to equating love with money. Her family showed how much they cared by supporting and pampering her, and if you don't give her all the THINGS she needs, she [wrongly] interprets that as you not loving her enough. It's the way she is wired. Period.

Also, you said that "we" had just gotten paid and that "we" had only $130. You're already mixing your finances with hers, and look what is happening; just imagine the extent of it when you get married. At the very LEAST get a separate bank account, have your paycheck deposited there, and you each contribute $XX a week to the household general fund. What is in your private account is NOT hers. If her family is so wealthy, let them buy her the damn curtain rods.

 

[EVERLAST]

ok.....

that is exactly the first step to where I ended up...
"sudden impact" of wife and payroll manager splits
(9 months after I buy out the 2 other partners of my company) leaves me with all the rights to the company but with 35K in credit card debt (high heeled shoes and boots...really nice),
She had payroll wiped out (additional 25-30K Versace at the divorce meetings with the lawyers...again really nice)
Worst of all she got the boat.
(and that really hurt...37 Egg Harbor, Indonesian Mahogany and Teak decking...I miss my boat) and the bitch let the batteries die and bilges stopped pumping and she squatted down on the lines and took on about 1 1/2feet of water before they caught it.
So she drives away in the little red BMW convertible. It was first thing she could buy on her own credit. Stayed with me 7 1/2 years. Just long enough to rehab the credit after that last bankruptcy...
Yeah. They can be that devious.
That was the good divorce relatively speaking.

I'll save the story of my evil first wife for later.

 

[abolish the weak]

girls like this are raised that way. You cannot do anything about it, you'll end up being one of those guys working all the time just to support her spending lifestyle. I've seen so many people in half million dollar homes, driving big fat luxury cars, and everything on the outside is fine and dandy. But if you really get to the nitty gritty, its usually nothing more than some sap working his ass off just to say he has a trophy wife. And even with all that, guess what? Sooner or later she'll still be miserable and want more. Eventually another sap who has a little more $$$ and a little more stupidity comes along, and picks up where you left off. I've figured this shit out, for the life of me I could never figure out why a good looking guy who keeps fit and tries his best couldn't get as much play with fine women. It's because those women know that if the shit hits the fan many of us will just say fuck it and up and leave. The dork who puts up with her shit and works his ass off, out of fear he'll never land another good piece of ass again, thats what she's looking for my friend. I'm not saying your a dork, but you get my point hopefully.

 

[notsobig32]

that is exactly the first step to where I ended up...
"sudden impact" of wife and payroll manager splits
(9 months after I buy out the 2 other partners of my company) leaves me with all the rights to the company but with 35K in credit card debt (high heeled shoes and boots...really nice),
She had payroll wiped out (additional 25-30K Versace at the divorce meetings with the lawyers...again really nice)
Worst of all she got the boat.
(and that really hurt...37 Egg Harbor, Indonesian Mahogany and Teak decking...I miss my boat) and the bitch let the batteries die and bilges stopped pumping and she squatted down on the lines and took on about 1 1/2feet of water before they caught it.
So she drives away in the little red BMW convertible. It was first thing she could buy on her own credit. Stayed with me 7 1/2 years. Just long enough to rehab the credit after that last bankruptcy...
Yeah. They can be that devious.
That was the good divorce relatively speaking.

I'll save the story of my evil first wife for later.

Everlast, your stories always seem to put my divorces into perspective=-)Not to mention bring a smile to my face.

To the OP, i gotta say, if you pursue this with her you should learn the saying 60/40.......thats yours the 40%. So when she wants something and you say no, well, she will get it any way, even without you caving in=-)


Finances are something you guys have to be able to communicate about and be realistic about or you will find yourself dug deep into a hole.

 

[EasyEJL]

When does it all stop? And how?????

never unless you stick to your guns. If you said you didn't have the money to buy the curtain rods but bought them anyhow, whose fault is that? Next 2-3 months, go through paying all the bills and balancing the checkbook with her, so she can see the input vs output.

 

[sadie]

does she work? at some point shes going to have to understand the value of money. if she doesnt work maybe she should.. my ex was this way also.. he never changed.. he is an ex..

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

I agree with Sadie, Untill she sees how hard money is to come by these days she may never get the point. At the same time you have to ask yourself is it really worth getting into arguments for the rest of your life??? You also have to remember "she was raised this way"! Her parents gave her everything. So don't get angry with her when she says she aint getting no job! Love is one thing, money matters are another. Very rarely do they meet in the middle. Unless someone is willing to work while the other sits homes and spends.

Before you get married see if she will attend some financial classes. Small weekend courses usually at your local community college or high schools. If she refuses or just doesnt see the point in going because that's what you're there for. Then you are only gonna get what you ask for. TROUBLE.

I have been club and moblie dj for many years. I have seen couples a year later at a club or where ever and have asked them where is their side kick. And the answer is almost always the same. "Oh we're divorced, we just weren't compatible"! WTF?? Sad but thats how people live. They brush aside all the bad things in the other person and hope marriage will change it for them.

Good luck bro!

 

[speed]

I need someones help with my current situation. I'm sure someone here can relate to what I am going through...

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years.(getting married in late 2010). I grew up middle class with a single mother. I was always told to save for a rainy day and to spend money smart. The harder you work now the less you have to work later. My fiance was given everything. designer purses, new cars, the best of the best. When college came around we met. Her parents paid her rent, and her school. Any money she made working was play money (bars, jewelery, clothes). Now me on the other hand, I was working to pay the rent and eat and get a couple beers. After college we got engaged, moved in together and seem to have 1 thing that haunts us. MONEY. Yes, I know money is the main reason for fighting. But....

How to I teach her that there are needs and wants? Daily I am put in the position to where I have to say "NO" to something she wants. For example: This week we only had $130 left till we got paid. I planned on not touching that money other then getting the basics we needed(little food for the fridge etc). We ended up at the store and she saw some custain rods she wanted to buy. She says "lets get them". I had to step in and say we dont have enough money right now. The curtain rods can wait. Guess what I was doing 2 hours later. Hanging curtain rods we spend $30 on.

I feel like you can only say NO so many times before it becomes disrespect towards me. When someone asks for something they know you cant provide it hurts. She knows I cant give her alot of things she asks for but still asks.

No. No. No we dont have the money. Not yet. Not at this time baby. We cant afford it. The money is not there. We are broke. Maybe after I get a raise. Etc...etc...etc...

When does it all stop? And how?????

what between them legs hold some serouis power

 

[musclehealth]

She does work hard 40hrs week. Always has worked and always will. Problem is now that her income is spent on bills rather then toys as before. We took a financial class (dave ramsey. Financial peace university) which was great!! People can learn a ton of things and/or refresh their memory. She liked it and stayed motivated but quickly forgot after.

I agree with Sadie, Untill she sees how hard money is to come by these days she may never get the point. At the same time you have to ask yourself is it really worth getting into arguments for the rest of your life??? You also have to remember "she was raised this way"! Her parents gave her everything. So don't get angry with her when she says she aint getting no job! Love is one thing, money matters are another. Very rarely do they meet in the middle. Unless someone is willing to work while the other sits homes and spends.

Before you get married see if she will attend some financial classes. Small weekend courses usually at your local community college or high schools. If she refuses or just doesnt see the point in going because that's what you're there for. Then you are only gonna get what you ask for. TROUBLE.

I have been club and moblie dj for many years. I have seen couples a year later at a club or where ever and have asked them where is their side kick. And the answer is almost always the same. "Oh we're divorced, we just weren't compatible"! WTF?? Sad but thats how people live. They brush aside all the bad things in the other person and hope marriage will change it for them.

Good luck bro!

 

[EasyEJL]

She does work hard 40hrs week. Always has worked and always will. Problem is now that her income is spent on bills rather then toys as before. We took a financial class (dave ramsey. Financial peace university) which was great!! People can learn a ton of things and/or refresh their memory. She liked it and stayed motivated but quickly forgot after.

definitely then do the bills monthly together with her, and balancing the checkbook. Sounds like she's intelligent enough at least to understand it, so if she sees it with her own eyes it should be ok.

 

[smc252]

Personally I will straight up tell my woman "Look, I have X ammount, and that is all we can spend." Right when I get where we are going.
I never spoiled her financially from the start, I mean I have no issue blowing$200 on her and the kids, but I make sure she doesn't EXPECT it. My woman knows I would turn into a pissed off dickhead if she started that shit with me.

She takes no shit from me, and will put me in my place, and I do the same for her.

 

[hawkmoon]

I really don't want to be a pessimist, but I think you are in for a world of hurt.

My ex-wife has money issues as well. She was raised in a wealthy entertainer's family in Japan. Though she doesn't spend money in a ridiculous manner she always expects there to be a never-ending supply of it. She never understood that if she wanted a Hawaii vacation I had to save for it. To put my daughter in private pre-school at 10k a year I have to save. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too.
The fact that we butted heads on this contributed to our downfall, almost 14 years later. A lot of money issues can lay dormant until much later, after children for example, when a partner may leave the workforce and suddenly have no spending money of their own...