I thank you all for your replies... I dont want you to think im being a dick, or being stupid by not writing back.. im reading everything everyone is saying and taking it in... I just dont know what to say.. i really dont.
I dont want pitty from people, the people that see me in the gym everyday would be shocked to hear i have even a little bit of depression... im great at putting on a fake smile and making people think its ok..
The main reason me and my parents dont speak anymore... i bought a house and was engaged at a VERY young age... i fell out of love unfortunatly, and the best thing for me to do was leave before we were marriage or there were kids involved.. Well that wasnt ok with my parents.. basicly my ex (who is now engaged again) is their new daughter... when i walked away from her, my parents and her were so close, and she was so hurt, that they comforted her and looked at me like the asshole..
I ran accross her recently in the grocery store and she actually told me she just got back from a cruise with my parents.. very disheartening
Now when i say parents i mean my mother and stepfather... my father left when my mother was pregnant and i never met him.. i was raised by my mother and my aunt (who is now passed). Perhaps thats why i feel the need to have a woman in my life.. Dont get me wrong, when im in a relationship, im not looking for the mother figure, ive always been independant, and the one to take care of my significant other, but im sure there is a connection.
As far as dating sites.. Im on them all, i really cant afford them anymore, so POF and okcupid (the free ones) are the only ones im on now.. The only thing in life i look forward to is the gym.. and when im in the gym all i can think about is getting home and getting in bed for the rest of the day... i hold back tears just when sitting on the couch alone. its terrible..
I honestly feel like such a pussy talking about all this... doesnt seem very macho or manly... but im only human, and im at my breaking point... its not as easy for me to push myself to get out as you guys think it is... i dont mean to come accross as rude, but idk what else to say.