Well divorce time.

[spartan995]

In summary I'm a 35 year old married man with 3 children. Been with my wife since 1999. My wife has borderline personality disorder. We just recently called a divorce. I walked in on her crying. As the typical knight in shining armor I went to consolidate the damsel in distress. Asking her why she is crying. She said that if she dies our children will hate her. Most of our fights are about how much I hate her and this one was about how my negative perception of her will rub off on our children if she dies prematurely. I'm seeing a counselor who said I shouldn't engage her on these things. By consolidating her immaturity Im just enabling her victimization. Of course walking away just feeds into her distorted perception of reality. So the next cycle of emotions is anger and why I want to leave her. Which is true I do. Anyways to make a long story short she starts figuratively cornering me pressing me with statements like "Are you in or out" either you are fully invested in this marriage or you are out and we will sell the house tomorrow. Fair questions considering that I want out but she is basically calling a bluff and putting me into a corner. My typical response is to people please and tell her how much I love her. But after 15 years of losing myself I decided to say OK I WANT OUT. Called her on it. It felt so good to say this but afterwards I have all the mixed thoughts. Its about time I stood up for me but the other half is like I take it back I don't want to hurt you.

Anyways just had to vent this out. I started recording our arguments and journaling my thoughts because a BPD woman can have your head spinning. On top of it my wife is a psychiatrist which means she can have my male mind twisted and turned.

my mom has borderline personality disorder. I cannot imagine having a spouse with it. It is a never ending cycle that seems unbreakable. Good luck brother..ultimately you need to be happy.

 

[anarchocapitalist]

Latest update. I get home from work and the wife starts going off about how I'm so irritable when I come home from work. That I'm irritated by everyone from the kids, her the wife, my father, etc. I didn't engage with her I just said that I'm not irritated at all.

Kept quiet.

About an hour later she starts talking about what she wants in our divorce. She wants primary care and sole custody and thinks this is best for the children. I said well I don't know much about it but we'll have to sit down and discuss this. I mentioned why she assumes that she will get sole custody and primary care. Why not me? The wife says she is their mother, the primary care giver right now, and that I'm aggressive on steroids.

WTF?

She starts falsely accusing me of being aggressive towards her and the children. I ask for specific examples. She couldn't give any except that I sometimes yell at my boys like any tired frustrated parent of three boys does. I said she does the same. Every parent does.

I'm known for my calm nature.

I straight up ask her if she is going to bring up my steroid use if we cannot agree and we go to court. She says she will if she has to. I point out that she smoked weed infrequently during her pregnancy with our last child and breast feeding so I hope we don't have to get nasty and start dragging each other thru the mud. She starts ranting about this is a side of me that she has never seen. I'm like WTF ur the one bringing this up!

We can do this the expensive nasty way or we can do this the cheap clean way and work this out ourselves.

I felt shell shocked that she would try to damage my rep to make her look better so she can get power and control. I shouldn't be.

So far she has accused me of sexual assault and now I guess I'm a domestic abuser. Why is she with me if I'm such a horrible man.

Later she goes for a hair cut when she comes back she says she loves me and is all chatty like not a thing happened.

Welcome to Oz. The life of a non-BPD husband.

 

[little slice]

bro, if you don't have a script, GET OFF THE JUICE and get rid of all evidence.. like yesterday. seriously


we had a case very similar to this on another board. Wife was totally fine with him using steroids, everything was going well, etc.. the marriage actually seemed perfectly fine.


then out of FUCKING NOWHERE, she serves him papers, and uses his steroid use in court.

he lost everything.. she got sole custody..everything.


he ended up killing himself because he could not cope.

moral of the story - never underestimate how low a woman will go.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

So far she has accused me of sexual assault and now I guess I'm a domestic abuser. Why is she with me if I'm such a horrible man.

Later she goes for a hair cut when she comes back she says she loves me and is all chatty like not a thing happened.

Welcome to Oz. The life of a non-BPD husband.

I've been through this several times. DO NOT GET ARRESTED. But clean everything out. She's going to bring up steroids, you're going to bring up weed, and all the while the children have never been physically or mentally injured - and that's what they'll go with. Along with what you said above, that she stayed with you through all that.

If it goes to court, which apparently it is. You BOTH will undergo psychological profiles. As long as you work hard, care about your children, and are physically, mentally, and spiritually sound, they will give 50/50 custody. The parent then making the most money will probably have to pay child support in the other parent goes to domestic relations office.

You are going to have many fights like this. The kids are going to get thrown in the middle. It's going to get ugly. You have to be the CALM, CONSISTENT one. You will need to suppress your anger when she pushes your buttons.

Best phrases are: Is that right? I'm sorry you feel that way. It's not for me to decide that. You do what you think you need to do, etc.

But if they get a search warrant and search your house and find a bunch of sauce, combined with her testimony, it's not going to go well for you because you will do time and the children will be with her and that sets PRECEDENT. Even still, you just enter a drug treatment program and come out the ass of that program clean and you can still petition for custody and get it.

Only in cases of outright physical abuse, extreme drug use, or extreme distance between parents will they award FULL custody to one or the other.

 

[Cerberus777]

I've been through this several times. DO NOT GET ARRESTED. But clean everything out. She's going to bring up steroids, you're going to bring up weed, and all the while the children have never been physically or mentally injured - and that's what they'll go with. Along with what you said above, that she stayed with you through all that.

If it goes to court, which apparently it is. You BOTH will undergo psychological profiles. As long as you work hard, care about your children, and are physically, mentally, and spiritually sound, they will give 50/50 custody. The parent then making the most money will probably have to pay child support in the other parent goes to domestic relations office.

You are going to have many fights like this. The kids are going to get thrown in the middle. It's going to get ugly. You have to be the CALM, CONSISTENT one. You will need to suppress your anger when she pushes your buttons.

Best phrases are: Is that right? I'm sorry you feel that way. It's not for me to decide that. You do what you think you need to do, etc.

But if they get a search warrant and search your house and find a bunch of sauce, combined with her testimony, it's not going to go well for you because you will do time and the children will be with her and that sets PRECEDENT. Even still, you just enter a drug treatment program and come out the ass of that program clean and you can still petition for custody and get it.

Only in cases of outright physical abuse, extreme drug use, or extreme distance between parents will they award FULL custody to one or the other.

Perfect answer OTH!

Obviously about cleaning house. But the "Is that Right? I'm sorry you feel that way" and "You do what you think you should do" is the best answer to most arguments in this situation. In my experience it forces responsibility for actions and thoughts. Validates with out joining the guilt.

 

[anarchocapitalist]

Thanks for all the advice here guys.

When the wife went out for her haircut I asked a bro of mine to come over and hold my testosterone and guns for a while.

Good advice on the replies. I've been doing that lately.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" etc.

If she does distort reality or create shit out of thin air I am calling her out on it.

For my kids sake tho I'm going to try to see if she can get help. I have no idea how.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Thanks for all the advice here guys.

When the wife went out for her haircut I asked a bro of mine to come over and hold my testosterone and guns for a while.

Good advice on the replies. I've been doing that lately.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" etc.

If she does distort reality or create shit out of thin air I am calling her out on it.

For my kids sake tho I'm going to try to see if she can get help. I have no idea how.

And never point the finger at yourself for anything. Say things like, "I'M sorry if what I did made YOU feel that way." Apologize a lot!

The moment you say, "It was you that wanted to..." No. It's a fight then.

But never put blame on yourself. "I'm sorry if what I did upset you so bad." (implies that your actions led to this)

No! It's better if you say, "I'm sorry at how upset YOU got. Is there anything I can do?" See? That's all on her the former was all on you.

Keep it up. You'll survive. Just remember the kids. And think about what you say before you say it. If you think about what you're going to say beforehand, you can have you mess-ups being her fault and her successes as a complete result of you.

 

[anarchocapitalist]

Thanks for all the input guys. Ya I'm trying not to point the finger at her or at me. When I do it gives her fuel to her fire. If I admit this was my mistake she will run with it and distort it and massage it until what comes back is something different.

 

[anarchocapitalist]

What custody is best for the children?

Anyone have any good solid research on this issue?

Week on week off?
Primary care with the wifey?

Because she is a counselor she is suggesting she knows whats better for the children than I do. I don't want articles providing my point. I honestly just want to know whats best for the children.

 

[Cerberus777]

What custody is best for the children?

Anyone have any good solid research on this issue?

Week on week off?
Primary care with the wifey?

Because she is a counselor she is suggesting she knows whats better for the children than I do. I don't want articles providing my point. I honestly just want to know whats best for the children.

You're probably better off talking to an attorney and a counselor about this. There's not cookie cutter answer.

 

[little slice]

What custody is best for the children?

Anyone have any good solid research on this issue?

Week on week off?
Primary care with the wifey?

Because she is a counselor she is suggesting she knows whats better for the children than I do. I don't want articles providing my point. I honestly just want to know whats best for the children.

based on what you've said about your wife.. sounds like your children are only safe with you IMO.

idk man.. women are the primary abusers/killers of children. I certainly wouldn't feel safe leaving my children with a woman who has mental issues..

 

[BillHilton]

You're probably better off talking to an attorney and a counselor about this. There's not cookie cutter answer.

Once you have gone down the road (as I have also) you have to realize NOTHING is really best for the kids. They didn't ask you two to marry, to do that which you did to conceive them, or to get to the point that you are ripping apart their normal.

That being said, it sure as hell sounds like they are better off with you.

 

[Cerberus777]

Once you have gone down the road (as I have also) you have to realize NOTHING is really best for the kids. They didn't ask you two to marry, to do that which you did to conceive them, or to get to the point that you are ripping apart their normal.

That being said, it sure as hell sounds like they are better off with you.

I agree, counselors, and a good lawyer know the best route. I went through this from mu first marriage. Glad i didn't have kids in the second one.

 

[anarchocapitalist]

Thanks for the advice guys. Of course we are all adults and everyone knows you're only getting my side of the story. I'm not perfect and make mistakes.

I started taking some actions. There are a lot of good resources online that can help through a divorce. Everything from financial planning to family planning. I haven't yet seen a lawyer but that will be the March goal.

Here is our last fight. Years ago my wife went to Jamaica with some family and friends for a wedding. I couldn't go. My work wouldn't let me. Apparently my wife was getting really drunk a lot and flirting with some Jamaican bartender. To make a long story short one night she leaves with this guy after hours after clubbing for a walk on the beach. I guess he was going to show her the constellations of Jamaica or something. You know talk about the local planet life around the beach at 3am after some drinking. Well, her story, she gets raped. My buddies said something different. They said she left the club holding hands with this dude. A couple buddies of mine told her to stop and dont do this ... but she made a scene so they backed off. I guess she didn't say she was raped for a couple days in the mean time she was still flirting and dancing with her rapist. My wife tells me he wore a condom while raping her. Ummm ya. Whatever. I've never told my wife that I don't believe her story. I think what probably happened was she slept with this guy and needed a story. Or maybe half way through sex on the beach she decided she didn't want this and the dude was like ... well I'm finishing. No means no. I guess at that stage its technically rape. But whatever.

Anyways so fast forward a few days ago. She brought up this rape. She starts telling me that I forced her to go to Jamaica. That if I didn't force her to go she wouldn't have been raped. She was mad at me for not going with her to Jamaica (bells going off in my mind thats why she fucked this dude). She also starts saying that I'm suppose to protect her and I didn't protect her.

I'm like my dear you got really drunk and got raped. Thats not my fault. Remember your actions didn't only hurt you they really hurt me to.

She starts losing it on me yelling that shows my integrity as a man and husband and all these really mean things about my morality and character.

I'm like dear I hope you can see why this isn't going to work out for us. You constantly blame me for everything. My faults are terrible unforgivable sins. Your faults you blame me.

Anyways I got the silent treatment for two days. It was a nice break.

I didn't accept any of her blame nor did I try to play into any of her games on name calling.

 

[little slice]

Thanks for the advice guys. Of course we are all adults and everyone knows you're only getting my side of the story. I'm not perfect and make mistakes.

I started taking some actions. There are a lot of good resources online that can help through a divorce. Everything from financial planning to family planning. I haven't yet seen a lawyer but that will be the March goal.

Here is our last fight. Years ago my wife went to Jamaica with some family and friends for a wedding. I couldn't go. My work wouldn't let me. Apparently my wife was getting really drunk a lot and flirting with some Jamaican bartender. To make a long story short one night she leaves with this guy after hours after clubbing for a walk on the beach. I guess he was going to show her the constellations of Jamaica or something. You know talk about the local planet life around the beach at 3am after some drinking. Well, her story, she gets raped. My buddies said something different. They said she left the club holding hands with this dude. A couple buddies of mine told her to stop and dont do this ... but she made a scene so they backed off. I guess she didn't say she was raped for a couple days in the mean time she was still flirting and dancing with her rapist. My wife tells me he wore a condom while raping her. Ummm ya. Whatever. I've never told my wife that I don't believe her story. I think what probably happened was she slept with this guy and needed a story. Or maybe half way through sex on the beach she decided she didn't want this and the dude was like ... well I'm finishing. No means no. I guess at that stage its technically rape. But whatever.

Anyways so fast forward a few days ago. She brought up this rape. She starts telling me that I forced her to go to Jamaica. That if I didn't force her to go she wouldn't have been raped. She was mad at me for not going with her to Jamaica (bells going off in my mind thats why she fucked this dude). She also starts saying that I'm suppose to protect her and I didn't protect her.

I'm like my dear you got really drunk and got raped. Thats not my fault. Remember your actions didn't only hurt you they really hurt me to.

She starts losing it on me yelling that shows my integrity as a man and husband and all these really mean things about my morality and character.

I'm like dear I hope you can see why this isn't going to work out for us. You constantly blame me for everything. My faults are terrible unforgivable sins. Your faults you blame me.

Anyways I got the silent treatment for two days. It was a nice break.

I didn't accept any of her blame nor did I try to play into any of her games on name calling.

yeah...fuck that noise.

if all of this is true, I can just about guarantee that she will badmouth you to your children every chance she gets, and do all sorts of other crazy/bizarre/woman-type shit.

I have seen some really crazy shit from women who seem to be waaaaay more normal than your wife.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

yeah...fuck that noise.

if all of this is true, I can just about guarantee that she will badmouth you to your children every chance she gets, and do all sorts of other crazy/bizarre/woman-type shit.

I have seen some really crazy shit from women who seem to be waaaaay more normal than your wife.

Plus she's a psychologist/psychiatrist so you can only imagine the complete mindfuck she's capable of.

 

[Cerberus777]

I'm not a therapist, but have had to deal with
similar stuff. Sorry Im busy, but thought you should know....

Gas Lighting: you're alwas angry when you get home= I'm always angry when I get home.

Deferred Responsibility: I cheated on you, but that would make me a bad person, so it was rape....and your fault.

Tearing down and bringing down: Any jabs at your character IS HER recreating you in her mind. And hopefully bring you down as well.

am I making sense?.

 

[Flexpack215]

Maybe suggest a month or two break before you call it quits? 15 years is a long time bro


You have what it takes, but it will take all you got.

 

[anarchocapitalist]

We have three children 5 years, 2 years, and a newborn 3 months. I know I know why have three kids when your wife is a crazy bitch. Its a long story about my lack of self-worth and low self esteem. To be honest my kids are the light in my life and I wouldn't have changed a thing. I could imagine not having them.

My wife has reduced her work load over the years to raise our family. She works 20 hours a week.

I make a little bit of money I'm a "professional chemist" (LOL) and a computer guy.

I realize that I'm going to have to hand over a ton of money in child support and probably pay 75% of the bills.

But when can I expect my soon to be ex-wife to start working full time?

** I basically want joint custody a week on week off as soon as possible.
** I also don't want to be paying out my ass until they are teenagers either.

What she wants is to work full time when all the boys are in grade school so in like 7 years.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

We have three children 5 years, 2 years, and a newborn 3 months. I know I know why have three kids when your wife is a crazy bitch. Its a long story about my lack of self-worth and low self esteem. To be honest my kids are the light in my life and I wouldn't have changed a thing. I could imagine not having them.

My wife has reduced her work load over the years to raise our family. She works 20 hours a week.

I make a little bit of money I'm a "professional chemist" (LOL) and a computer guy.

I realize that I'm going to have to hand over a ton of money in child support and probably pay 75% of the bills.

But when can I expect my soon to be ex-wife to start working full time?

** I basically want joint custody a week on week off as soon as possible.
** I also don't want to be paying out my ass until they are teenagers either.

First of all, if she makes more money than you, SHE will have to pay child support. You need a DECENT residence and money for essential things children need. If you have that, then you won't be denied your children. I don't know what you mean about the chemist thing but if it's what I'm thinking, that and children is not cool and maybe you should wait on trying for custody.
Secondly, you are going to be paying out your ass until long after their teens no matter who they're with so face that now. Your life isn't going to be any cheaper either way. What you have now belongs to those three kids. I always know a good parent when I see a couple or a father walking past me and he's dressed like a bum and the kids are spotless and look fantastic. That usually means everything is going to his kids and he defers on what he wants. That makes me feel good. Not if he looks like a bum but if his clothes are out of 1995 and his girls are wearing Hollister and American Eagle, etc.