Woman I want to marry broke up with me

[Curiousity]

I thought life was pretty good there for a while. I moved to a new town and have had trouble making friends. I am just the quiet type who doesn’t like to hit the bars. I started dating a girl at work and fell completely head over heel in love. We dated for a year+. She is completely awesome. Last Monday she broke up with me because she loves me, but is not in love with me. I want to die. I can’t sleep more than 4 hours a night because I dream about her and the dreams wakes me up in a completely depressed state. She is also my best friend, hands down. We are completely honest and open with each other all the time. Of course because of this, we are trying to maintain our friendship. Actually I want her back, but want can I do?

I think that I scared her in my stupid desire to be honesty and open. Well that desire isn’t stupid, but I think I went too far. I’m a vivid dreamer. When I day dream, I am there. This is the woman that I want to marry and raise a family with, and I told her about this. She is 25 and I think all of this discussion (by both of us) made her feel like her life is set in stone. I guess I made the mistake of explaining all of my dreams of us having a happy life together. Side note: I just figured out that I express these dreams in a planning format so that they don’t sound like dreams, but that I was planning our future. That was a mistake.

So… I can’t think straight, but I have tried to come up with a plan to win back her. I think that she still loves me (and the in love part is suppressed by concern and fear right now.) Maybe I am fooling myself, but I have to try. I draw this conclusion based on some of the interaction that we have had. – such as: a couple times when she hugs me her hands move to my hips and one time she tried kissing me (completely sober) and stopped herself halfway. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but they are several more things like that. One of our mutual couple friends gave me this advice: pretend like you don’t care and she will come running back; and that she is confused about all the plans of the future and needs space. I have given her the space. I don’t call her and let her call me. I will be taking swing lessons sometime in January and invited her to be my partner if she would like to be. I don’t know, I just can’t seem to grasp the “pretending like I don’t care.” Might as well teach me how to not breathe too while you’re at it.

So I have tried giving space, working on the pretending not to care (with no success what-so-ever), and meeting new people to hang out with. I guess that is the biggest problem (or at least this will make the other two easier) – trying to meet more people. I have to push myself and try to start a conversion with everyone I meet as practice, I guess.

I know that I have to do the above three to have a chance to win her back or allow her to realize that those feelings still exist, but are muted.

So in the end, I know what I have to do, but it is so hard. I just wanted to get this down on paper so that I have what I need to do right here. I’d love to hear any advice.





P.S. When I say that “I want to die”, I am only describing the feeling. I have no intention of suicide – it just better describes how everything has turned to ashes in my mouth.

Also, I'm 29 and have been had quite a few experiences in this life. I know what I want in this life. This isn't an infatuation despite having only dated for a 1+ year.

 

[flexmaster]

if you want her, show her that. i hate games, i think they only confuse both people because once one person starts playing them, the other will too and its an endless cycle. be real with her, tell her how you feel, and tell her you still want to be with her, but if she needs space and a little time from you, give that to her. by playing like you dont want her you will confuse her even more. i say, show her you still care about her and want to be with her, but dont let yourself have no life outside of waiting for her to call you or ask if you want to hang out.

its a hard situation you are in...and i am sort of in the same one. i have a thread down the page a little that might give you some good advice...feel free to check it out.

 

[fajitas]

Hey bro check this site out. Doubleyourdating.com it's not just about picking up women it also has informative information on getting women to want you. I was a total skeptic about crap like this but it does make a lot of sense. Sign up for the free weekly e-mail, it has great ideas on making women want to be with you. You can also download this guys stuff on limewire. Good luck and women dont want to be with a wussie. Dont go kissing her ass it will just push her further away.

 

[Big A]

I think that I scared her in my stupid desire to be honesty and open. Well that desire isn’t stupid, but I think I went too far. I’m a vivid dreamer. When I day dream, I am there. This is the woman that I want to marry and raise a family with, and I told her about this. She is 25 and I think all of this discussion (by both of us) made her feel like her life is set in stone. I guess I made the mistake of explaining all of my dreams of us having a happy life together. Side note: I just figured out that I express these dreams in a planning format so that they don’t sound like dreams, but that I was planning our future. That was a mistake.

No, that's not a mistake. It's good you plan your entire future. That way you will succeed in life. She is just not mature enough to handle that right now. Her loss.
I am exactly like you say - I don't just hope to have things happen to me in my life, I KNOW that they will because I have already seen them in my mind. You just need to find a partner compatible with yourself.

One of our mutual couple friends gave me this advice: pretend like you don’t care and she will come running back; and that she is confused about all the plans of the future and needs space. I have given her the space. I don’t call her and let her call me. I will be taking swing lessons sometime in January and invited her to be my partner if she would like to be. I don’t know, I just can’t seem to grasp the “pretending like I don’t care.” Might as well teach me how to not breathe too while you’re at it.

Tell your friend he's an idiot. If you cannot be yourself in front of her, what's the point of being with her? There's plenty of women out there that are looking for exactly a guy like you who will fuss over them and care about them openly. If this girl likes stupid games like this, she is not a life partner.

I know that I have to do the above three to have a chance to win her back or allow her to realize that those feelings still exist, but are muted.

I think that you are in love with the image of having her as a life partner, not with her as such. You have planned yuor life to the smallest detail, and you need her as she is part of that plan. Unfortunately, I think you have not seen the small fact that she is not suited for you. I know, because I did the same thing in the past too.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Great responses. It sounds like you do have your life planned out and have a clear vision in your mind of what you want out of life. There's a big problem sometimes though with that. Life is ridiculously unpredictable. Who could have foreseen that you'd fall so deeply for this girl? If I can put this in a way that will be clearly understood, I'd have to say that "you got way too real on her ass before she was ready". In other words, maybe her plan and your plan don't jive. Maybe she doesn't have a plan at all and loves to be spontaneous, throw caution to the wind and fly by the seat of her pants, etc. It could be age but it could just simply be her personality type.

Sometimes the people that we would envision to be the 'worst' for us end up being the ones we are most attracted to. What?!? No, it's true and I'll tell you why: balance. The extreme natures of your personalities combined equal a happy medium. Example: Joe is always ten minutes late. Barbara is always ten minutes early. They dress and shower and argue the entire time with "hurry up, hurry UP!" and "one second, one SECOND!" yet they arrive precisely on time.

What your friend said was maybe poor advice. Maybe he should have said "play hard to get"... But that brings us back to playing games. Unfortunately, 80% of courtship is games. There are reasons why we do this but it's not important right now.

I think things will be okay either way because you seem like a strong individual. In any case remember that there is little or nothing you can do to make her want to come back. There are only things you can do to make her NOT want to come back. I suggest you endeavor to get on with the business of living and not heap her whole life on top of her at once. Baby steps, one day at a time. Make sure she knows that she has some say in this life of hers too!

How would you feel if she up and dumped a truckload of desires, lifetime goals, and plans on you before you were ready to hear them? Or at least ready to embrace them? What if these plans were totally different than yours? Would that make you stop loving her? Of couse not. But you might need some time to think about things right?

It's not love if the person simply fits into your 'grand scheme'. That person would be dehumanized. They would simply be a commodity to you like anything else. I don't think that's what you want. I'm certain that's not what she would want. It doesn't profit a man to gain the entire world but lose himself in the process.

 

[Curiousity]

Thank you for all the wonderful advice. It is good to hear straightforward advice from intelligent people.

I decided to go against my friend's advice. How can I, who have preached honesty from the beginning of our relationship, pretend to be something else now? That's just bs!

We had a long discussion tonight. I am golden. She wants to be with me, but all the talking of planning overwhelmed her (kudos OuchThatHurts) and scared her. Life is unpredictable. I know basically where I want to go (and specific things that I want to do - such as getting rentals apartments, etc.) Honestly, I don't care if my life meanders around a little bit. My goals are loose enough to happen anywhere and within a couple of years leeway. Yes Big A, I know that this means that I will not succeed as much as I could monetarily, etc, but I think that I have other priorities right now. I earn a good salary - enough to fully fund a retirement fund and make investments. I'm happy with that. I don't want the world, only my small corner.

So we take a small break. We still see each other quite a bit, but not every day, etc. I told her that I love her, want to spend the rest of my life with her, to take her time, and I will be waiting for her. My eagerness to force this relationship is dead (or dying.)

Ahh...peaceful feeling... I think I may actually get more than 4 hours a sleep tonight.

Thank you again! I so very impressed when I first showed up to this site and saw a Counselling Forum and a Business and Finance Forum. Truly an amazing site with awesome members!

 

[Got Juice]

hey man just reading through your post, i noticed it has been a few weeks and was just seeing how things are giong.

i agree with you going against your friends advice. ok, so you play hard to get like you dont want her, then she decides she wants you... so you take her back, then she has you again and realizes she gets what she wants and is unsatisfied again.

i think you are right, spell it out for her, but dont scare her. its a VERY tought situation when you are in it man. i went through this shit back in october and just thinking about it sucks. but the upside is we are doing GREAT now. we "I" had a few bugs i had to work out.. haha

good luck buddy,

 

[Curiousity]

hey man just reading through your post, i noticed it has been a few weeks and was just seeing how things are giong.

i agree with you going against your friends advice. ok, so you play hard to get like you dont want her, then she decides she wants you... so you take her back, then she has you again and realizes she gets what she wants and is unsatisfied again.

i think you are right, spell it out for her, but dont scare her. its a VERY tought situation when you are in it man. i went through this shit back in october and just thinking about it sucks. but the upside is we are doing GREAT now. we "I" had a few bugs i had to work out.. haha

good luck buddy,

Sorry that you went through this too. It sucks.

You know, I am frustrated as hell. I think the main problem is that we are best friends and spend a lot of time together (at her request - she calls and asks to do stuff together.) Now last night, she says that she needs her space again (not that she has come to a conclusion on how she feels yet.) Interesting isn't it? I give her space and she calls me almost everyday wanting to hang out.

I don't think this is the best thing for us. I think I need to make myself scarcer in her world. I work with her, so I can't do anything about that; although, luckily we don't have to interact much at work. (I actually work for our company’s regional staff and just use a desk at that office.) I don't think anything will change until she starts missing me. I think that once that starts happening, then she will start thinking about this issue and figure out what she wants one way or another. So I have decided this morning that I will actively make myself "unavailable" for the majority of the time by making plans with other people or even myself (such as working out, taking a 40 mile bike ride, etc.) - but without being a dick about it. Kind of the "Well I've already got things planned for the next couple of days, maybe we could catch lunch on Thursday." *shrug*

I've already told her how I feel and tried very hard to give her space. Now I need to make sure that space stays there by planning more stuff that doesn't include her (and a couple of things that do include her so that she knows that I still feel the things that I told her.)

We’ll see how this works. I can’t do anything to change how she feels or what she wants, so I just need to concentrate on myself right now (and maintain that space!)

 

[flexmaster]

time

if she needs her time, and you feel she is worth it, then give it to her. dont be a push over and let yourself get walked on, but at the same time, if you feel she is worth waiting for, then i think you should give her time. she obviously is giving you time by not just ending it completely right now.

 

[alexmet]

Hey dude,
First of all, sorry to hear about ur situation.
Well... I must say my situation is almost identical to urs.
I have been with her 1.5 years but the only thing is she had to go to another country which is not that far away from me. I live in London UK and she had move to Dublin in Ireland. We decided to give it a go and make it work even though we were away from each other. We also had plans getting married and that was actually her idea. But a month after she left she broke up with me which was 2nd Dec 2005. I could not sleep, felt like shit all the time after that. I realised that I want her back. A few weeks later i called her and asked her back but she said no, that she loves me but no in love with me. That she needs time to figure things out. That she enjoys the freedome. But after all that she said we still got a chance to be together but I must wait. Since than we spoke on the phone every day as friends. She sometimes says that she loves me and misses me. I reminded her a few times that i still love her and want her back but she still says to wait. I can't stop thinking about her. I really thought she was the one.
For the last week i did not call her and did not answer her calls. She called me 3-4 times a day, called my parents, my friends to see where i am. I called her last night and told her I was busy all week. She said she was really worried that something happened to me.
I am really confused.. is she using me as someone to talk to while she does not have new friends in Ireland? Does she enjoy the fact of being loved by me until she gets a new boyfriends? Is she playing games?

Also the problem is that I can't go visit her cause I don't have my passport right now since I sent it off to embassy and I ll get it back only in march. Once I get my passport back I ll come to see her for a week or so. I have a few reason why I could not go over to Ireland to stay with her and in any case it will be another 8 month before I ll get a chance to move over there if things work out. She also had a good reason why she could not stay in UK any longer so that was the only option for her is to go to Ireland.

Anyways, u r not alone in such situation. I really feel for u!
Good luck!

 

[PassionateBB]

Do you want a woman's point of view? It is very true that the more distance you put between yourselves and the girls, the less interest you show and her seeing your ability to get along in life just fine without her, will usually make her crawl back. It's unfortunate but true. Especially in the younger ones. But don't make it a game. Live it. Actually make the effort to succeed in moving on. And with time, it gets easier and easier to do so. If she comes around and sees the light, great. If not, you will have done yourselves a great service by letting go and moving forward.

I know it's hard to believe now, but there will undoubtedly be several women you feel this way about throughout your life. Eventually, and hopefully sooner rather than later, one of them will be "the one".

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Alexmet,

I am going to tell you something. Now this is going to sting a bit mate. When you hear "I'm enjoying my freedom" what do you hear? I believe in your case, unfortunately, that "I'm enjoying my freedom" actually means "I'm enjoying seeing other people."

PassionateBB, as always, has shed some good light on this for us.

It's very difficult to maintain a relationship from a distance. People are too dynamic. Which is to say that they rarely stay in one place for very long. The human condition is that we keep moving on, no matter what. I think that may be what you need to do right now.

Even when they do come back, I see frequently that the joy of "having her back" turns to resentment for the amount of pain that you were put through during the absence. I'm only saying these things to give you some things to consider. I can't possibly know your situation(s).

There are many women out there.

 

[alexmet]

I agree with both of you to a some degree. I know I need to move on as hard as it seems right now. The thing that makes it the hardest is the fact she is not really letting me go, still talks to me and wants me to come see her. If she is moving on, why is she mucking me about? Anyways, I am trying to move on but I guess i might come and see her anyways just to talk to her face to face.

 

[lynx]

Curiosity – I think that both you and Alexmet have the same problem. To me it sounds like these girls are stringing you along. To me they sound very similar to some girls I use to know.

Here is what I see: Hmm…I like my “freedom” but when there isn’t an interested male that I can flirt with and make me feel sexy, pretty, etc I’ll go to the next best thing, a sure thing. I’ll hang out with Curiosity because I KNOW he likes me and will make me feel the way I want to. I’ve already told him that I don’t want to take it any further so I’m safe, he’ll entertain me and I’ll feel “wanted” by a male. Because I know he does want me.

When you become distant with her and she then acts like she needs you in her life, really what she feeling is that she’s “losing it.” By it I mean the thing that lures males in and keeps them interested. You moving on means she no longer has her that hold on you and makes her nervous.

I may be way off base but I’ve seen this happen before.







...I feel like I just broke some sort of female code or something.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

On the money

Curiosity – I think that both you and Alexmet have the same problem. To me it sounds like these girls are stringing you along. To me they sound very similar to some girls I use to know.

Here is what I see: Hmm…I like my “freedom” but when there isn’t an interested male that I can flirt with and make me feel sexy, pretty, etc I’ll go to the next best thing, a sure thing. I’ll hang out with Curiosity because I KNOW he likes me and will make me feel the way I want to. I’ve already told him that I don’t want to take it any further so I’m safe, he’ll entertain me and I’ll feel “wanted” by a male. Because I know he does want me.

When you become distant with her and she then acts like she needs you in her life, really what she feeling is that she’s “losing it.” By it I mean the thing that lures males in and keeps them interested. You moving on means she no longer has her that hold on you and makes her nervous.

AGREE 100%

Keep one guy on deck as a safety net and then go out and play every night. Which is fine but the poor bastard gets his guts ripped apart. Now if the guy was OKAY with it, then I suppose it's fine. Twisted, but fine. This little trick is played by gals and guys both.

 

[Kaiser]

Here is what I see: Hmm…I like my “freedom” but when there isn’t an interested male that I can flirt with and make me feel sexy, pretty, etc I’ll go to the next best thing, a sure thing. I’ll hang out with Curiosity because I KNOW he likes me and will make me feel the way I want to. I’ve already told him that I don’t want to take it any further so I’m safe, he’ll entertain me and I’ll feel “wanted” by a male. Because I know he does want me.

Perfectly stated Lynx. In the end my idea of this ever so primitive basic instinct psychology is women use sex to get emotion and men use emotion to get sex. It all depends on who has the upper hand or who cares more as to who has to give more to get what they want OR to stay together. She will play if you let her, and the only way to win the game is don't play.

Good luck brother.

As a side note Lynx and Simone are good secret weapons for you guys...

 

[alexmet]

Lynx, I think u r correct. Its really hard for us to admit it though. I am already moving on. I don't want to be with a woman that can treat me like that.

 

[Big_O]

Curiosity...Read This Bro..!

When I was 21 i was to get married to my high school/college sweetheart...well 2 weeks before the wedding she broke it off because she said I was still going out and partying...I have to tell you she was the love of my life without a doubt...I moved on and got married 5 years later...I had 2 wonderfull,well behaved kids.....I was married for 20 years to this woman,she was a really good woman...
Well I reached out 26 years later and sent my old sweetheart a Birthday/mother's day card...She called me and 2 months later I flew up to see her...I immediately fell in love with her all over again...I got divorced and married her 6 months later...
My point is she was the woman I loved way back then and I left a woman that i was married 2 for 20 years...Was it the right move....I don't know I'm still righting the chapter....
You'll be better off to get up,dust your self off and move on..The more you dwell on it the more depressed you'll feel....Things always have a way to work themselves out.....
If it was meant to be then it will happen till then keep reaching out to different woman...You'll find one who'll lay some shit on you and you'll forget all about this one....Find a kinky one...Like Brad did with Anjolie.....That woman is doing more shit to Brad than Anniston ever dreamed of....

 

[Kaiser]

When I was 21 i was to get married to my high school/college sweetheart...well 2 weeks before the wedding she broke it off because she said I was still going out and partying...I have to tell you she was the love of my life without a doubt...I moved on and got married 5 years later...I had 2 wonderfull,well behaved kids.....I was married for 20 years to this woman,she was a really good woman...
Well I reached out 26 years later and sent my old sweetheart a Birthday/mother's day card...She called me and 2 months later I flew up to see her...I immediately fell in love with her all over again...I got divorced and married her 6 months later...
My point is she was the woman I loved way back then and I left a woman that i was married 2 for 20 years...Was it the right move....I don't know I'm still righting the chapter....
You'll be better off to get up,dust your self off and move on..The more you dwell on it the more depressed you'll feel....Things always have a way to work themselves out.....

BigO, that is an inspiring story. On of the best I have heard in a while. You had the balls to give up everything and go after a dream. For that I admire you. I am much like that myself. Simone is also for that matter. She divorced a Fortune 500 company owner multi-millionare for me after 13 years of marriage a year and a half ago for me after 2 months of dating me while she was married. She had the will to go out after what she wanted, risk a very good lifestyle, and I love her for that. She wanted passion which was absent from her current marriage. You have something in that woman you are with, and you have no other way out but to make it work or you will hurt forever. If you don't, what you did up to now to get her will be in vain. Anyway, I recognize and admire the courage.

 

[Sigmund Roid]

Great responses by all.

I don't have a lot to add. If you believe you are being treated with disrespect or in a manner that you would not treat someone else. I might count myself lucky that this woman was not part of my quality world. I'd remove her from that picture in your mind. Luckily, I know how the story ends. You'll find another nice girl who appreciates you and is a better fit for your personality to share your life with!