An Interesting Conundrum - Familial Issues (Off Topic)

[Performance Based]

@Performance Based, man you seem like a solid dude. So regardless how anything shakes out you got your shit together! Your upbringing may have been hit & miss, but it’s made you a better person for it!

Looks like you got a whole new family to get acquainted with! I wish you all the best!

Cage

I sincerely appreciate that sir.



No seriously, cheers mate.

 

[goback2013]

Its honestly amazing how some of these things come full circle. I have a similar situation. It's almost as though "the sins of the father" (I am not religious but just the perfect line for this) come full circle sometimes to ensure the next generation can have a higher quality of life.

Freak A!! I say the same thing all the time.
I say he knew couldn't be there for me in life.. but on the other side hes making sure that he is there for me and taken care of.
I mean I do well with my 9to5 and other investments. But this royalty money has paid to send my daughter to LSU. For nice cars for my daughter's.

 

[marssel]

The guy seems solid.

Run downs - all verified

• Professionally - He directs music videos for hard rock/metal bands
• Side Hustle - Organizes cage and open water diving with Great Whites
• Traveled the world
• In a good place financially it seems
• He was actually adopted so sort of understands what is going on and found his birth mother about a decade ago

Cons

• Not a fan of how he lives his life - frequently visits strip clubs etc
• Multiple struggles in the past with chemical and alcohol dependency
• Seems to still have an infatuation with my biological mother (sent me gobs of old photos he still has of her/me as a child - It may just be me, but I do not have a single photo of an ex)

I think I would like to meet him face to face but schedule won't allow that until January.

Skinny on the situation - from what I have pieced together
Biological mother and biological father were dating 1985-1987. She meets the individual I thought was my father (lets call him weasel for ease of flow). Weasel's father (individual I still consider my grandfather, a good and ethical man I will add) was at a tech firm that went public (1986). Needless to say a fair amount of wealth was generated nearly overnight. Biological mother saw this and began sleeping with both of them. Biological father gets her pregnant. She lies and tells weasel it is his. They shotgun a wedding in January of 1987. She vanishes on him. I'm born. She starts going behind weasels back with second thoughts, thinking weasel would have also have personal wealth from his father's success, seeing my biological father and bringing me along with her. Grandfather winds up setting Weasel up with a trust, biological mother makes her decision.

I'm a white dude - but I swear I live in a tela-novela.

The cons sound like most my Marine buddies lol, me too for a few years there. I dunno you see where your choice in the Navy and SW come from…..

 

[Performance Based]

Freak A!! I say the same thing all the time.
I say he knew couldn't be there for me in life.. but on the other side hes making sure that he is there for me and taken care of.
I mean I do well with my 9to5 and other investments. But this royalty money has paid to send my daughter to LSU. For nice cars for my daughter's.

Its' legitimately huge. Ensuring the success for generations to come - alot of pain was there I am sure but there is a silver lining it seems.

 

[fisther69]

The cons sound like most my Marine buddies lol, me too for a few years there. I dunno you see where your choice in the Navy and SW come from…..

That’s no shit! Cons list sounds like a OD-A pre-requisite

 

[Performance Based]

The cons sound like most my Marine buddies lol, me too for a few years there. I dunno you see where your choice in the Navy and SW come from…..

Haha - I hear you 100%. My wife and I are pretty conservative when it comes to our lifestyle. I was an utter heathen up until I met her.

 

[sourpower]

Haha - I hear you 100%. My wife and I are pretty conservative when it comes to our lifestyle. I was an utter heathen up until I met her.

good women has a way of making things clear don’t they

 

[MR. BMJ]

Good job on contacting him, you never ever know the reasoning behind these types of family 'events' until you hear both sides...or still one side, I guess. I am a HUGE genealogical researcher for our family (I know somebody else here mentioned their dad received a special recognition award for all his work), it is very addicting, and it is super fun for me. At 3500+ cm, he is definitely your father. I had thoughts beforehand of the exact scenario you wrote out was the reasoning behind everything, i've seen it countless times in my own research...well, a few at least.

I would make the best of it. You both will be new at this, so while you share DNA, you will still have differences. I'd try to look past those minor things, if possible, unless you find some other major things. If he is in the music industry, it would not surprise me him having a past with drugs and alcohol, unfortunately. It could be worse though, which i'm sure you could imagine.

Having pictures of your mother is probably not a bad thing at this point, considering she is the mother of his son. If it were some other lady, with whom he didn't have a kid with, it would be a little different....well, unless it was somebody famous I guess, lol. From an 'ancestry research standpoint,' it would be very common for people to show pictures and maybe documentation of their ex of whom they had a child with....you all are now shared history.

I personally felt that he did this in hopes that you may see it and reach out to him, much like he mentioned. As a dad, i'd be in the clouds if my son gutted-up the courage to contact me. I would not hold any grudge on what transpired 30+ years ago....let it be water under the bridge.

I'm not the most religious person either, but I swear these things happen for a reason. Whether the two of you hit it off like best friends, or an actual father-son relationship, it doesn't matter, just make the best of it. I say that cautiously though, because like I mentioned earlier, if he is some criminal or something worse (i'll refrain from listing), then that is different.

Brother, we are all different, but if it were me, i'd be very excited, even though i'd still be kind of weird in the head with it all coming in at once. Take it day to day, week to week, and year to year at a time.

He may be as freaked out as you, just remember that, even behind any excitement and joy. If he's never been a dad, then he will be new at all this as well.

On the flip, you may have some half-siblings!

Keep us up to date on how all this transpires. Be calm and don't make any knee-jerk reactions.

Regards

 

[marssel]

That’s no shit! Cons list sounds like a OD-A pre-requisite

Yea it looks like a checklist for Recon INDOC too Lmafo it takes a certain type of motherfucker you know. I only know a few ODA guys but just about every Ranger I’ve met is the same.

 

[Jefe]

Just checked my email

Think I might be having a small panic attack…

And now I’m crying on the treadmill

 

[marssel]

Not my forte. I could never imagine turning my back on what i knew to be my child. Just not how i’m wired

Yea I wouldn’t have agreed until 2 years ago when my boy was born I can’t imagine leaving him on any level for anything

 

[goback2013]

Yea I wouldn’t have agreed until 2 years ago when my boy was born I can’t imagine leaving him on any level for anything

Facts all damn day. Last 4 days has been nothing but AAU basketball games and training for my son. It's non stop.
I took him to another part of the city to some open workouts for 3rd graders.
He's the tallest out there and the heaviest, but also has a skill set too. Once we get his speed up, he will be a monster. Or even more so.

I went and bought him some comfortable basketball shoes, some New Balance. Threw his Nikes in the trash. Size 9.5
I noticed he was running a little gimpy the other day. He told me his shoes hurt his feet.. some Nikes. KDs. Same place on his feet that hurts him where my Jordans hurt my feet. Which is why I don't wear Nike for basketball

 

[marssel]

Facts all damn day. Last 4 days has been nothing but AAU basketball games and training for my son. It's non stop.
I took him to another part of the city to some open workouts for 3rd graders.
He's the tallest out there and the heaviest, but also has a skill set too. Once we get his speed up, he will be a monster. Or even more so.

I went and bought him some comfortable basketball shoes, some New Balance. Threw his Nikes in the trash. Size 9.5
I noticed he was running a little gimpy the other day. He told me his shoes hurt his feet.. some Nikes. KDs. Same place on his feet that hurts him where my Jordans hurt my feet. Which is why I don't wear Nike for basketball

I always hated Nike for basketball, always Adidas and ASICS everywhere else. My guy is 2 they say he’ll be tween 6’2-6’4 but built like me basketball is my first love but I’m hoping he focuses on football and as a LB or edge rusher, I wanna see him crack skulls like I did playing Armed Forces Rugby. The whole time she was pregnant I was saying USMC but now with this government fuuuuck no

 

[bananas007]

Perfomance based. My opinion.

You come from a very well known family. I recommend you take that YouTube down.

I can’t fathom what you are going through and went through. You mom is old. She has made mistakes. This is an uncomfortable topic. No matter how wrong she is, and she is wrong try to give her some peace. In that video she is clearly struggling.

You are very intelligent. You have good insight . But sometimes you have to forgive and get therapy to move forward.

Try to mend relationship with your parents best as you can and if not try to leave them alone.

My 2 cents.

 

[bananas007]

Perfomance based. My opinion.

You come from a very well known family. I recommend you take that YouTube down.

I can’t fathom what you are going through and went through. You mom is old. She has made mistakes. This is an uncomfortable topic. No matter how wrong she is, and she is wrong try to give her some peace. In that video she is clearly struggling.

You are very intelligent. You have good insight . But sometimes you have to forgive and get therapy to move forward.

Try to mend relationship with your parents best as you can and if not try to leave them alone.

My 2 cents.

Your life is not easy. You are in a tough spot man. I feel for you.I have some of my own trauma to work out from childhood but don’t know where to go or who to see. Work too hard to have any downtime.

 

[fisther69]

Perfomance based. My opinion.

You come from a very well known family. I recommend you take that YouTube down.

I can’t fathom what you are going through and went through. You mom is old. She has made mistakes. This is an uncomfortable topic. No matter how wrong she is, and she is wrong try to give her some peace. In that video she is clearly struggling.

You are very intelligent. You have good insight . But sometimes you have to forgive and get therapy to move forward.

Try to mend relationship with your parents best as you can and if not try to leave them alone.

My 2 cents.

I agree to a point..but I’m from a different color of the same brotherhood..

Fuck em brother, you know who your family is

 

[aHarness]

Perfomance based. My opinion.

You come from a very well known family. I recommend you take that YouTube down.

I can’t fathom what you are going through and went through. You mom is old. She has made mistakes. This is an uncomfortable topic. No matter how wrong she is, and she is wrong try to give her some peace. In that video she is clearly struggling.

You are very intelligent. You have good insight . But sometimes you have to forgive and get therapy to move forward.

Try to mend relationship with your parents best as you can and if not try to leave them alone.

My 2 cents.

YouTube video? What did I miss in this thread

 

[stackdizzy]

I watched the video yesterday and was a little bit lost for words. While I.can't imagine how'd you feel at all but I can believe how your.mother responded. My mother and.even my father don't acknowledge certain events that happened during my childhood. Simply nope they don't remember that to if you talk about that again I will not talk to you ever again. Again nothing like this but.can somewhat see why she would deny it and make it seem like its your fault for talking about it. That's not to say i.agree with that response but that is pretty hard.to own up to. I don't really understand why she wouldn't but I guess she has.fooled so many people for so many years. I know her admission would probably give you some satisfaction but I think that will never happen. Its hard.to see.parents so unimpressive but I don't go looking for something I'll never find. I just wanted to say something and wish you well and hope your.meeting with your father is a more positive experience!!!!

 

[bananas007]

I watched the video yesterday and was a little bit lost for words. While I.can't imagine how'd you feel at all but I can believe how your.mother responded. My mother and.even my father don't acknowledge certain events that happened during my childhood. Simply nope they don't remember that to if you talk about that again I will not talk to you ever again. Again nothing like this but.can somewhat see why she would deny it and make it seem like its your fault for talking about it. That's not to say i.agree with that response but that is pretty hard.to own up to. I don't really understand why she wouldn't but I guess she has.fooled so many people for so many years. I know her admission would probably give you some satisfaction but I think that will never happen. Its hard.to see.parents so unimpressive but I don't go looking for something I'll never find. I just wanted to say something and wish you well and hope your.meeting with your father is a more positive experience!!!!

She is gaslighting. As a defense mechanism it seems.

There is a quote by author Jk Rowling in her commencement speech to Harvard. She states there is an expiration date to blaming your parents for your life and basically that when you are old enough to be independent you have to start taking responsibility regardless of your upbringing.

Now she is not a psychiatrist and there are times my mind drifts back to the past as a kid, but I remind myself of that quote when I start feeling tad bit sorry for myself.

 

[stackdizzy]

She is gaslighting. As a defense mechanism it seems.

There is a quote by author Jk Rowling in her commencement speech to Harvard. She states there is an expiration date to blaming your parents for your life and basically that when you are old enough to be independent you have to start taking responsibility regardless of your upbringing.

Now she is not a psychiatrist and there are times my mind drifts back to the past as a kid, but I remind myself of that quote when I start feeling tad bit sorry for myself.

Yes all my personal problems are long dead and buried in regards to my folks. I posted stuff so PB would see that his mother's response is common. it is not something I personally have even spoke of in years. I am ten years older than him at least and I have chalked it up to they did the best they could . This thread is not about me at all. PB's situation as I have stated is a whole lot different plus its not something I have personally been through. I do understand what you are doing and agree with a lot of what you said but this is something he needs to figure out on his own. It s a path no one is going to come and spoon feed him the conclusion. He doesn't seem to be blaming his problems on his parents he just needs/wants some answers from them. Which given the situation is totally understandable. Trust me bro," that didn't happen and do not talk to me again" is a lot different than "yea you're right and I am sorry" cut him a little slack this is something that does not resolve its self-overnight. You know you have the situation and then the response to the situation. Both are going to take years to process and there is not really a how to guide for this. Anyway I hope everyone has a great day!