An Interesting Conundrum - Familial Issues (Off Topic)

[Performance Based]

Good afternoon everyone, a bit of a quandary here. I would normally chat with co-workers/close friends with this however I have family individuals intertwined with work and to be honest I find myself in this weird predicament of not knowing who to turn to for advice or even if said advice would be "solid".

I have talked to my wife at nauseam about this however am looking for outside perspectives.

Recently did a Ancestry.com DNA test. Shows a very clear individual on the website as my "Father" based off of their DNA match. I am 36 years old, my parents shotgunned a wedding in 1987 after getting pregnant with me - I have always had the impression I knew who my father was. I normally would dismiss this entirely however curiosity got the better of me so to speak. Few unusual things

1) I am fairly certain I have heard my father talking about this individual as though he was a high school friend
2) This individual lived within 5 miles of my parents' high school from 1983-mid 1990s.
3) His appearance and mine is uncanny - extremely similar features
4) My 23 and me and Ancestry.com results showed stark differences between myself, father and grandfather. Grandfather is 35% Ashkenazi Jewish, Father showed low 20s, I however show 0% on both tests.

Some things to add to my curiosity

1) My father and I have always had a terrible relationship - I don't think he has ever said more than a total of 100 words to me.
2) Took zero interest in me and my upbringing, his other two children he has been extremely intertwined with
3) I hold absolutely zero physical resemblance to this man
4) My mother growing up as told numerous lies about both the city and specific hospital I was conceived in.

How would you proceed? I pulled his address, phone and email (yeah, I'm a creeper)... Is it appropriate to reach out? Sheer curiosity has the best of me. If so, how would you reach out? So, yeah... This is my Jerry Springer moment, and hopefully for a while. Grown man, not looking for anything other that to satiate a curiosity.

 

[bbxtreme]

Damn man, that is a lot to unpack. But it sounds like you have your answer.

The question you have to ask first is “will I regret not reaching out or seeing this through.”

The second thing (experience from an ex)- have no expectations. I’m sure there is a story but he hasn’t been in your life for 36 years… there’s a reason for that. His decision likely.

The last I would say is that your father is who raises you. Just keep in mind that once you open Pandora’s box, it’s open and all that comes with it. How will reaching out to him impact your family now and everyone else.

I say all that after watching an ex go through something similar only to crash her world around her over a man who didn’t give two shits about her.

Do what you need to do, but just be mindful of all that comes with it.

Best of luck man!

 

[275bills]

From following your posts you sound like a solid individual so whatever the end result im sure you will make peace with it

Definitely follow through with it

 

[goback2013]

I was lied to my whole life about my father. Oh I think he's this guy.. or no it's that guy..
So I can relate to your story..
When I finally found my father via ancestry, it provided a bit of closure for me... it also explains of ton of my ways and likes. I never met him as he died in the early 90s from years of drug use. Go figure. I found all this out after connecting with his sister.. all at the age of 40yo. I'm now 50. There's a lot more to the story but I only provide that to say I wish I would have met him.
Would I liked to see him walk through the gym doors of my high school and college basketball games ? For sure.
You have the chance to meet your father and it may provide some type of closure for you.
And maybe put you on a different path in life.

Unlike you though I was adopted and raised by a white marine from the Appalachians. A man I protect at all costs. Treated me better than my own blood. I don't even deal with so called family. I have one contact in my phone and it's my Dad.

 

[CorgisOnTren]

If you go for it, give an update!

 

[SouthernMuscle]

Good afternoon everyone, a bit of a quandary here. I would normally chat with co-workers/close friends with this however I have family individuals intertwined with work and to be honest I find myself in this weird predicament of not knowing who to turn to for advice or even if said advice would be "solid".

I have talked to my wife at nauseam about this however am looking for outside perspectives.

Recently did a Ancestry.com DNA test. Shows a very clear individual on the website as my "Father" based off of their DNA match. I am 36 years old, my parents shotgunned a wedding in 1987 after getting pregnant with me - I have always had the impression I knew who my father was. I normally would dismiss this entirely however curiosity got the better of me so to speak. Few unusual things

1) I am fairly certain I have heard my father talking about this individual as though he was a high school friend
2) This individual lived within 5 miles of my parents' high school from 1983-mid 1990s.
3) His appearance and mine is uncanny - extremely similar features
4) My 23 and me and Ancestry.com results showed stark differences between myself, father and grandfather. Grandfather is 35% Ashkenazi Jewish, Father showed low 20s, I however show 0% on both tests.

Some things to add to my curiosity

1) My father and I have always had a terrible relationship - I don't think he has ever said more than a total of 100 words to me.
2) Took zero interest in me and my upbringing, his other two children he has been extremely intertwined with
3) I hold absolutely zero physical resemblance to this man
4) My mother growing up as told numerous lies about both the city and specific hospital I was conceived in.

How would you proceed? I pulled his address, phone and email (yeah, I'm a creeper)... Is it appropriate to reach out? Sheer curiosity has the best of me. If so, how would you reach out? So, yeah... This is my Jerry Springer moment, and hopefully for a while. Grown man, not looking for anything other that to satiate a curiosity.

wasn’t one of the reasons behind your out if country entheogen treatment the relationship or lack thereof between you and your parents?

i’m sure the adult part of your brain is saying who tf cares it makes no difference now, and that’s partially correct

that “inner kid” though wants closure, adult you should probably fulfill that

 

[Doitagain]

So you' ve been having two fathers, and none at the same time. Life can really have some shitty sense of humor.
I guess the only question that matters at this time would be "does knowing this individual actually adds anything good to my life?"
I've been in a similar situation. For me the answer was NO. Curiosity doesn't last forever. Painful disappointment can, on the other hand.

 

[Mufasa123]

Very hard to advise someone on this particularly because you seem solid enough and this answer will be highly individual and based more on your own gut as there is reasoning to both sides. If there's any info on why your parents may have done this or why it seems like your real father stayed away... that could sway things and maybe (maybe not) that's a logical first step or offers additional weight.

At the end of the day, gather info and opinions of those you trust and make your decision without regret and with peace regardless of how it may turn out. If there was a logical best course you'd have already found it so do what you can and decide from there. I sincerely wish you a good outcome regardless of the path you choose.

 

[fisther69]

Good afternoon everyone, a bit of a quandary here. I would normally chat with co-workers/close friends with this however I have family individuals intertwined with work and to be honest I find myself in this weird predicament of not knowing who to turn to for advice or even if said advice would be "solid".

I have talked to my wife at nauseam about this however am looking for outside perspectives.

Recently did a Ancestry.com DNA test. Shows a very clear individual on the website as my "Father" based off of their DNA match. I am 36 years old, my parents shotgunned a wedding in 1987 after getting pregnant with me - I have always had the impression I knew who my father was. I normally would dismiss this entirely however curiosity got the better of me so to speak. Few unusual things

1) I am fairly certain I have heard my father talking about this individual as though he was a high school friend
2) This individual lived within 5 miles of my parents' high school from 1983-mid 1990s.
3) His appearance and mine is uncanny - extremely similar features
4) My 23 and me and Ancestry.com results showed stark differences between myself, father and grandfather. Grandfather is 35% Ashkenazi Jewish, Father showed low 20s, I however show 0% on both tests.

Some things to add to my curiosity

1) My father and I have always had a terrible relationship - I don't think he has ever said more than a total of 100 words to me.
2) Took zero interest in me and my upbringing, his other two children he has been extremely intertwined with
3) I hold absolutely zero physical resemblance to this man
4) My mother growing up as told numerous lies about both the city and specific hospital I was conceived in.

How would you proceed? I pulled his address, phone and email (yeah, I'm a creeper)... Is it appropriate to reach out? Sheer curiosity has the best of me. If so, how would you reach out? So, yeah... This is my Jerry Springer moment, and hopefully for a while. Grown man, not looking for anything other that to satiate a curiosity.

It really depends how much you are willing to deal with.

Do you feel it’s worth it to find out who your bio dad is and ruin what relationship you have with your current parents, and extended family?

I would personally do it lowvis..I’d mainly want to know for medical reasons to see what kind of hereditary bullshit awaits.

But at the end of the day you didn’t really have any real relationship with your current father, and your bio dad was never there for you either..so, does it really matter to you that much?

A lot to unpack here..it really boils down to how much drama your willing to tolerate

 

[fisther69]

wasn’t one of the reasons behind your out if country entheogen treatment the relationship or lack thereof between you and your parents?

i’m sure the adult part of your brain is saying who tf cares it makes no difference now, and that’s partially correct

that “inner kid” though wants closure, adult you should probably fulfill that

I’ve made that Tijuana trip to..I believe that’s mainly for TBI..but if that’s what came to him during that experience it’s gonna be real hard to let this go..im still after something I saw in my trip and it’s been over a year..I think about it for hours a day..part of me wishes I didn’t do it no matter how much it helped my TBI/CTE

 

[Heath82]

Found out I have half brothers and sisters that were conceived from a sperm donor. So don’t know if my father is my father. He’s late 70s and been a great dad so I decided to just leave it like it is. He’s been there for me for 40 years and is a the kind of person I strive to be. I’ll always look at him as my father.

 

[Performance Based]

I appreciate the replies and you guys taking the time to get back to me:

Few things of note
1) Relationship with my "parents" I have not had a positive interaction with them since 2005 when I left for the Navy
2) "Dad" called me once in 2013 but nothing from 05-13 and 13-present.

Point that out as there is no relationship to worry about - if for whatever reason that plays into the decision.

I have written this in brevity: I do not know if it appropriate? Too lighthearted? Too insincere?





Mr. X,

A bit of an unusual email. I recently signed up for Ancestry.com – it appears you did as well. The website has you listed as “Father”. My curiosity was obviously piqued, and I performed a quick google of yourself. It looks like you grew up in Seattle (as did my mother, XXXXXX) in matching time frames.

Wanted to inquire as to your thoughts regarding this.

Fully understand this is a highly unusual email, to be quite honest I mulled over sending this for the past week. I am 36 years old, fully established in a great career and wholeheartedly assure you I am not a Nigerian Prince attempting to wire you funds or any other form of shenanigan. I am not looking for a father figure but if I do have one it would be nice to meet him.

Best wishes and I hope to hear back,

 

[Performance Based]

wasn’t one of the reasons behind your out if country entheogen treatment the relationship or lack thereof between you and your parents?

i’m sure the adult part of your brain is saying who tf cares it makes no difference now, and that’s partially correct

that “inner kid” though wants closure, adult you should probably fulfill that

Good morning sir - not going to lie I had to google the definition of entheogen; thats a new one for me.

No sir, went to the Ibogaine therapy for TBI/some emotional issues stemming from deployments. Somehow though it chose to help me out with familial issues.

 

[fisther69]

Good morning sir - not going to lie I had to google the definition of entheogen; thats a new one for me.

No sir, went to the Ibogaine therapy for TBI/some emotional issues stemming from deployments. Somehow though it chose to help me out with familial issues.

I had to google that damn word too! Lol

Brother, if I were in this situation with your updated post I would pursue your quest..if it’s not going to cause you unwanted stress and will bring some peace? Do it brother

 

[bbxtreme]

I appreciate the replies and you guys taking the time to get back to me:

Few things of note
1) Relationship with my "parents" I have not had a positive interaction with them since 2005 when I left for the Navy
2) "Dad" called me once in 2013 but nothing from 05-13 and 13-present.

Point that out as there is no relationship to worry about - if for whatever reason that plays into the decision.

I have written this in brevity: I do not know if it appropriate? Too lighthearted? Too insincere?





Mr. X,

A bit of an unusual email. I recently signed up for Ancestry.com – it appears you did as well. The website has you listed as “Father”. My curiosity was obviously piqued, and I performed a quick google of yourself. It looks like you grew up in Seattle (as did my mother, XXXXXX) in matching time frames.

Wanted to inquire as to your thoughts regarding this.

Fully understand this is a highly unusual email, to be quite honest I mulled over sending this for the past week. I am 36 years old, fully established in a great career and wholeheartedly assure you I am not a Nigerian Prince attempting to wire you funds or any other form of shenanigan. I am not looking for a father figure but if I do have one it would be nice to meet him.

Best wishes and I hope to hear back,

Knowing all that I would say what do you have to lose as long as you have ZERO expectations.

He could slam the door or not respond or he could turn out to be great. One things for sure- things like this in life never go as we try to plan for or expect.

Unless you’re rich and make it in the NFL or something. Then every baby daddy comes out of hiding and is like “that’s my boy”.

Had to throw some humor in there. See where it all takes you.

 

[275bills]

Good luck and keep us posted

 

[Swifto]

I appreciate the replies and you guys taking the time to get back to me:

Few things of note
1) Relationship with my "parents" I have not had a positive interaction with them since 2005 when I left for the Navy
2) "Dad" called me once in 2013 but nothing from 05-13 and 13-present.

Point that out as there is no relationship to worry about - if for whatever reason that plays into the decision.

I have written this in brevity: I do not know if it appropriate? Too lighthearted? Too insincere?





Mr. X,

A bit of an unusual email. I recently signed up for Ancestry.com – it appears you did as well. The website has you listed as “Father”. My curiosity was obviously piqued, and I performed a quick google of yourself. It looks like you grew up in Seattle (as did my mother, XXXXXX) in matching time frames.

Wanted to inquire as to your thoughts regarding this.

Fully understand this is a highly unusual email, to be quite honest I mulled over sending this for the past week. I am 36 years old, fully established in a great career and wholeheartedly assure you I am not a Nigerian Prince attempting to wire you funds or any other form of shenanigan. I am not looking for a father figure but if I do have one it would be nice to meet him.

Best wishes and I hope to hear back,

How does Ancestry list him as "Father"?

How has Ancestry got to that claim?

 

[SouthernMuscle]

Good morning sir - not going to lie I had to google the definition of entheogen; thats a new one for me.

No sir, went to the Ibogaine therapy for TBI/some emotional issues stemming from deployments. Somehow though it chose to help me out with familial issues.

what i’m remembering is what you wrote in the first post in the TBI thread under personal background about being an “unwanted child”. That stuck in my brain because it absolutely disgusts me that any childs parent would instill that feeling.


so i say- send the email, explore whatever comes of it. If he’s a douche, good riddance. Blood is no thicker than water with me, i’ve cut off MANY a family member. I do not subscribe to the belief that just because fate chose that certain
people share genetic code, that it should provide them with a “pass“

 

[Virtuous]

I think that email template you wrote is perfect. He can likely also check his DNA results from his end and see you as “son” to validate.

I’d try and connect. Why not? Worst case scenario he’s a dick and you don’t build a relationship. Best case he’s a cool dude and you get to share stories of where life’s taken you.

You seem ready to forgive him for not stepping up and being a father when you were young - just make sure your head is in the right space, because SOMETHING went down that caused him to bail and never acknowledge you. Maybe he didn’t know you were his, who knows.

My “dad” is also not my dad, fwiw, but I’ve never been able to find out who is. I’d jump at the chance.

 

[Performance Based]

How does Ancestry list him as "Father"?

How has Ancestry got to that claim?

How does Ancestry list him as "Father"?

How has Ancestry got to that claim?

Replying on my phone so please bear with me mate!

This is the screen it shows - then it shows the percentage of DNA match along with hereditary traits