An Interesting Conundrum - Familial Issues (Off Topic)

[marssel]

Good afternoon everyone, a bit of a quandary here. I would normally chat with co-workers/close friends with this however I have family individuals intertwined with work and to be honest I find myself in this weird predicament of not knowing who to turn to for advice or even if said advice would be "solid".

I have talked to my wife at nauseam about this however am looking for outside perspectives.

Recently did a Ancestry.com DNA test. Shows a very clear individual on the website as my "Father" based off of their DNA match. I am 36 years old, my parents shotgunned a wedding in 1987 after getting pregnant with me - I have always had the impression I knew who my father was. I normally would dismiss this entirely however curiosity got the better of me so to speak. Few unusual things

1) I am fairly certain I have heard my father talking about this individual as though he was a high school friend
2) This individual lived within 5 miles of my parents' high school from 1983-mid 1990s.
3) His appearance and mine is uncanny - extremely similar features
4) My 23 and me and Ancestry.com results showed stark differences between myself, father and grandfather. Grandfather is 35% Ashkenazi Jewish, Father showed low 20s, I however show 0% on both tests.

Some things to add to my curiosity

1) My father and I have always had a terrible relationship - I don't think he has ever said more than a total of 100 words to me.
2) Took zero interest in me and my upbringing, his other two children he has been extremely intertwined with
3) I hold absolutely zero physical resemblance to this man
4) My mother growing up as told numerous lies about both the city and specific hospital I was conceived in.

How would you proceed? I pulled his address, phone and email (yeah, I'm a creeper)... Is it appropriate to reach out? Sheer curiosity has the best of me. If so, how would you reach out? So, yeah... This is my Jerry Springer moment, and hopefully for a while. Grown man, not looking for anything other that to satiate a curiosity.

Well like almost all combat arms guys you had a shit father relationship so at least you got that from your “dad”. That said you’re 36 and obviously impervious to bullshit even if you are a Navy dog lol, what do u have to lose, nothing and everything to gain. Fuck hard dog go at him exactly how you posted provide the info you have and why you want to connect and if it bangs great if not FUUUUCK HIM. The question now is do you just show up or what. You could always throw a few flash bangs in the window and zip tie him, show him all you became without a proper father he’ll either be very impressed or very scared lol. My dad is a filthy rich Mormon asshole I wish my DNA test showed there might be someone out there that didn’t know they were my dad.

 

[goback2013]

Well like almost all combat arms guys you had a shit father relationship so at least you got that from your “dad”. That said you’re 36 and obviously impervious to bullshit even if you are a Navy dog lol, what do u have to lose, nothing and everything to gain. Fuck hard dog go at him exactly how you posted provide the info you have and why you want to connect and if it bangs great if not FUUUUCK HIM. The question now is do you just show up or what. You could always throw a few flash bangs in the window and zip tie him, show him all you became without a proper father he’ll either be very impressed or very scared lol. My dad is a filthy rich Mormon asshole I wish my DNA test showed there might be someone out there that didn’t know they were my dad.

Ha! I went to school in Utah. Leave the Mormons alone!!
I remember walking to school in the snow and some soccer mom in a big ol station wagon offered me a ride. It's just small acts of kindness that I saw. I know some of my team mates converted and stayed in Utah as they were amazed at how kind the people were. Some of these guys came from the hardest 'hoods' in the nation.
NOLA. BR. Brooklyn.

 

[fisther69]

Ha! I went to school in Utah. Leave the Mormons alone!!
I remember walking to school in the snow and some soccer mom in a big ol station wagon offered me a ride. It's just small acts of kindness that I saw. I know some of my team mates converted and stayed in Utah as they were amazed at how kind the people were. Some of these guys came from the hardest 'hoods' in the nation.
NOLA. BR. Brooklyn.

I am Texas..all day and everyday..the only exception has been Fayettenam during my time in..

However, if I move? Utah all damn day..those Mormons do a good job keeping the “woke” shit out of there state

 

[goback2013]

I am Texas..all day and everyday..the only exception has been Fayettenam during my time in..

However, if I move? Utah all damn day..those Mormons do a good job keeping the “woke” shit out of there state

I'm not so sure about that. Last time I was in Provo/Orem 1-2 years back front yards were littered with flags of all types of woke affiliations.

 

[marssel]

Ha! I went to school in Utah. Leave the Mormons alone!!
I remember walking to school in the snow and some soccer mom in a big ol station wagon offered me a ride. It's just small acts of kindness that I saw. I know some of my team mates converted and stayed in Utah as they were amazed at how kind the people were. Some of these guys came from the hardest 'hoods' in the nation.
NOLA. BR. Brooklyn.

Oh they were all nice people but it affects them heavily and family wise if you drink the kool side you’re in and if not you’re out. I’m a YS Marine turned bodybuilder so I don’t get missed at Christmas lol

 

[fisther69]

Oh they were all nice people but it affects them heavily and family wise if you drink the kool side you’re in and if not you’re out. I’m a YS Marine turned bodybuilder so I don’t get missed at Christmas lol

I had a Mormon dude that was assigned to us a few years back on the civilian side who tried to get several of us to fuck his wife in front of him..often..don’t know how the Mormons view cuckolds..

He later joined the navy and we never saw him again lol

 

[marssel]

I had a Mormon dude that was assigned to us a few years back on the civilian side who tried to get several of us to fuck his wife in front of him..often..don’t know how the Mormons view cuckolds..

He later joined the navy and we never saw him again lol

Yea all the Mormons I knew/know are prudes but I’ve heard about the Mormons in Utah and Idaho and a lot of freaky shit which always occurs when people are sexually repressed. I mean jacking off is A BIG FUCKING DEAL FOR TEENS. It turned my step sister into a total whore.

 

[Performance Based]

Bit of an update gentlemen -

Emailed back and forth a few times with the individual. Wound up having a chat on the phone as well. I think it is finally settling in and I am already at peace with it. Very dissapointed mostly with the actions of others - some things that were downright unethical and just cruel came up that I was completely unaware of.

 

[goback2013]

Bit of an update gentlemen -

Emailed back and forth a few times with the individual. Wound up having a chat on the phone as well. I think it is finally settling in and I am already at peace with it. Very dissapointed mostly with the actions of others - some things that were downright unethical and just cruel came up that I was completely unaware of.

Re: cruel and unethical

Not trying to make this about me, as this is your thread. But I relate on so many levels here. when I first read your email post in all honesty it ruined my day. Brought to the front the same issues I had to deal with and still do. The lies and mind fucks I had to deal with growing up. The shame I was taught to have if I even broached the subject. Anyway... Time to take my son to AAU

 

[Performance Based]

Not my thread for sure - just shared experiences it seems. If it helps others from talking through it together or seeing a shared struggle, perhaps it is worth it. Somethings one would just think are off limits for a person's depravity. I would say nothing is sacred anymore or carries weight but this was nearly 40 years ago now...

A level of disdain and hatred has been instilled in me that I have not felt in a very long time.

 

[marssel]

Bit of an update gentlemen -

Emailed back and forth a few times with the individual. Wound up having a chat on the phone as well. I think it is finally settling in and I am already at peace with it. Very dissapointed mostly with the actions of others - some things that were downright unethical and just cruel came up that I was completely unaware of.

So you and individual are talking or he is a shitbird too…?

 

[goback2013]

Not my thread for sure - just shared experiences it seems. If it helps others from talking through it together or seeing a shared struggle, perhaps it is worth it. Somethings one would just think are off limits for a person's depravity. I would say nothing is sacred anymore or carries weight but this was nearly 40 years ago now...

A level of disdain and hatred has been instilled in me that I have not felt in a very long time.

Yeah. Before you even created this thread, my son would always ask me... Will I be better than you in basketball? Will I jump higher than you? Will I be faster than you ?
I'm like.. you'll be better than me in whatever you choose to do.. he asks why..
I said, because you'll have the support system I didn't have.

 

[fisther69]

Not my thread for sure - just shared experiences it seems. If it helps others from talking through it together or seeing a shared struggle, perhaps it is worth it. Somethings one would just think are off limits for a person's depravity. I would say nothing is sacred anymore or carries weight but this was nearly 40 years ago now...

A level of disdain and hatred has been instilled in me that I have not felt in a very long time.

Fight the hatred brother..your an established dude now, and it’s not something you will likely be able to resolve..you’ve had your fights..time to enjoy the life you have built

 

[marssel]

Yeah. Before you even created this thread, my son would always ask me... Will I be better than you in basketball? Will I jump higher than you? Will I be faster than you ?
I'm like.. you'll be better than me in whatever you choose to do.. he asks why..
I said, because you'll have the support system I didn't have.

Yea that’s the one thing about having a shitty absent father is you 100% know what not to do. Won’t I also won’t do is lie and say grandpa is a good guy. I wont lie to my boy.

 

[Performance Based]

The guy seems solid.

Run downs - all verified

• Professionally - He directs music videos for hard rock/metal bands
• Side Hustle - Organizes cage and open water diving with Great Whites
• Traveled the world
• In a good place financially it seems
• He was actually adopted so sort of understands what is going on and found his birth mother about a decade ago

Cons

• Not a fan of how he lives his life - frequently visits strip clubs etc
• Multiple struggles in the past with chemical and alcohol dependency
• Seems to still have an infatuation with my biological mother (sent me gobs of old photos he still has of her/me as a child - It may just be me, but I do not have a single photo of an ex)

I think I would like to meet him face to face but schedule won't allow that until January.

Skinny on the situation - from what I have pieced together
Biological mother and biological father were dating 1985-1987. She meets the individual I thought was my father (lets call him weasel for ease of flow). Weasel's father (individual I still consider my grandfather, a good and ethical man I will add) was at a tech firm that went public (1986). Needless to say a fair amount of wealth was generated nearly overnight. Biological mother saw this and began sleeping with both of them. Biological father gets her pregnant. She lies and tells weasel it is his. They shotgun a wedding in January of 1987. She vanishes on him. I'm born. She starts going behind weasels back with second thoughts, thinking weasel would have also have personal wealth from his father's success, seeing my biological father and bringing me along with her. Grandfather winds up setting Weasel up with a trust, biological mother makes her decision.

I'm a white dude - but I swear I live in a tela-novela.

 

[SouthernMuscle]

.

The guy seems solid.

Run downs - all verified

• Professionally - He directs music videos for hard rock/metal bands
• Side Hustle - Organizes cage and open water diving with Great Whites
• Traveled the world
• In a good place financially it seems
• He was actually adopted so sort of understands what is going on and found his birth mother about a decade ago

Cons

• Not a fan of how he lives his life - frequently visits strip clubs etc
• Multiple struggles in the past with chemical and alcohol dependency
• Seems to still have an infatuation with my biological mother (sent me gobs of old photos he still has of her/me as a child - It may just be me, but I do not have a single photo of an ex)

I think I would like to meet him face to face but schedule won't allow that until January.

Skinny on the situation - from what I have pieced together
Biological mother and biological father were dating 1985-1987. She meets the individual I thought was my father (lets call him weasel for ease of flow). Weasel's father (individual I still consider my grandfather, a good and ethical man I will add) was at a tech firm that went public (1986). Needless to say a fair amount of wealth was generated nearly overnight. Biological mother saw this and began sleeping with both of them. Biological father gets her pregnant. She lies and tells weasel it is his. They shotgun a wedding in January of 1987. She vanishes on him. I'm born. She starts going behind weasels back with second thoughts, thinking weasel would have also have personal wealth from his father's success, seeing my biological father and bringing me along with her. Grandfather winds up setting Weasel up with a trust, biological mother makes her decision.

I'm a white dude - but I swear I live in a tela-novela.

the father cons could be much, much worse. Doesn’t seem that weird to me that he has photos, esp if he knew you were his.

 

[cage99]

@Performance Based, man you seem like a solid dude. So regardless how anything shakes out you got your shit together! Your upbringing may have been hit & miss, but it’s made you a better person for it!

Looks like you got a whole new family to get acquainted with! I wish you all the best!

Cage

 

[goback2013]

Yea that’s the one thing about having a shitty absent father is you 100% know what not to do. Won’t I also won’t do is lie and say grandpa is a good guy. I wont lie to my boy.

Actually my mother kept my biological father away. Ducking and hiding our whereabouts.
My 'dad' really kept silent on the whole thing.
To be honest, I never really made it a big issue.
I was focused on basketball my whole life.
It only became an issue when others would ask who is my 'real father'. I mean I'm 6'6 at 14yo. With a big afro. Clearly something is not matching with this picture. So people ask.
It was like I shouldn't make myself seem like part of the family. So I should stay out of the way so others won't ask and my mom won't have to explain things away. So it became an issue to me of self confidence and self worth.
To be fair, my biological father was heavily addicted to heroin. The kids he had with other women all ended up in foster care and as adults in prison. So.. kinda hard to fault her for trying to protect me it seems. But at the end of the day it affects ones psyche. Having to deny who you are and not knowing where you come from.
When my mother died, she finally handed me all my adoption papers. Which lead to me becoming part of my biological father's estate. So I receive quarterly royalty checks based on music he has written and sampled by rappers.

 

[sourpower]

Actually my mother kept my biological father away. Ducking and hiding our whereabouts.
My 'dad' really kept silent on the whole thing.
To be honest, I never really made it a big issue.
I was focused on basketball my whole life.
It only became an issue when others would ask who is my 'real father'. I mean I'm 6'6 at 14yo. With a big afro. Clearly something is not matching with this picture. So people ask.
It was like I shouldn't make myself seem like part of the family. So I should stay out of the way so others won't ask and my mom won't have to explain things away. So it became an issue to me of self confidence and self worth.
To be fair, my biological father was heavily addicted to heroin. The kids he had with other women all ended up in foster care and as adults in prison. So.. kinda hard to fault her for trying to protect me it seems. But at the end of the day it affects ones psyche. Having to deny who you are and not knowing where you come from.
When my mother died, she finally handed me all my adoption papers. Which lead to me becoming part of my biological father's estate. So I receive quarterly royalty checks based on music he has written and sampled by rappers.

That’s a pretty wild story - especially the end. Thanks for sharing

 

[Performance Based]

Actually my mother kept my biological father away. Ducking and hiding our whereabouts.
My 'dad' really kept silent on the whole thing.
To be honest, I never really made it a big issue.
I was focused on basketball my whole life.
It only became an issue when others would ask who is my 'real father'. I mean I'm 6'6 at 14yo. With a big afro. Clearly something is not matching with this picture. So people ask.
It was like I shouldn't make myself seem like part of the family. So I should stay out of the way so others won't ask and my mom won't have to explain things away. So it became an issue to me of self confidence and self worth.
To be fair, my biological father was heavily addicted to heroin. The kids he had with other women all ended up in foster care and as adults in prison. So.. kinda hard to fault her for trying to protect me it seems. But at the end of the day it affects ones psyche. Having to deny who you are and not knowing where you come from.
When my mother died, she finally handed me all my adoption papers. Which lead to me becoming part of my biological father's estate. So I receive quarterly royalty checks based on music he has written and sampled by rappers.

Its honestly amazing how some of these things come full circle. I have a similar situation. It's almost as though "the sins of the father" (I am not religious but just the perfect line for this) come full circle sometimes to ensure the next generation can have a higher quality of life.