Break-up blues

VNV · Jan 15, 2007

I'm having a really hard time. My girlfriend of a year and seven months and I split up. She's been on an anti-anxiety drug for about 5 months, and as a result, she has had literally no sex drive. We probably had sex only a dozen times since she got on the meds.

Over time, it really began to bother me that she didn't want to be intimate. I was patient and hoped she would just come around and things would return to how they used to be. They never did, I began feeling very frustrated and unloved. She knew it was becoming a real issue and I couldn't understand why, if she wanted a future with me, she wouldn't make an attempt to be intimate more. It was hard being rejected by my girlfriend so many times. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

The other night when we were drinking, I asked if she was interested in being intimate later. That only made her less interested, and she could tell how disappointed I was. She asked if I wanted to be with her anymore, and I told her no.

Now I'm miserable. My self-esteem is nothing. I graduated from college a month ago and begin my job next Monday. I was so stoked to get this dream job, and was on top of the world. Now, I feel so foolish for being so shallow. I kept telling myself things like, "If it's like this now... imagine when we get married" to reinforce my feelings of withdrawl shortly before we broke up.

This is the second time I've broken up with her because I couldn't figure out how to handle not being intimate. I know it's the final time because she's so worn out over this intimacy issue. She's over it and has completely excluded me from her life. I still miss her though, and feel like it was me who was dumped. It's like she forced me to break up with her and didn't even care. I check my phone all the time to see if she has texted or called. She wont. I've hurt her enough times (by breaking up) that she has to protect herself.

Where do I go from here? What do I tell myself to get through this?

donveto · Jan 15, 2007

2 words......SPRING BREAK....

Ill be there...

Nothing will help you get your self esteem back like a bunch of drunk girls..

Here is a tip ..dont go after 1st place in bikini/ wet tshirt contest....go after 3 place.. Theyt are down about the losing and you will be there to make them feel better...have fun while your young!

Liphted · Jan 15, 2007

I feel for you, I went through a similar situation with my girl, and it was a very
frustrating time. It turned out to be the birth control she was taking that was
killing her sex drive, but either way the outcome was the same (us not having sex).

I think its hard for us (males) to put ourselves in the position of a woman with
regards to sex. Its so simple for us, all that it takes is some visual stimulation
and we are ready to go. With a woman its so much more and emotions play
such a large role in their desire to be intimate. Just one thing is off and it
seems to ruin the deal.

With all that being said I think women, being the sexual camels that they can
be, never appreciate the ingrained desire and almost animalistic urge we have
at times to simply have sex. So, inevitably situations like the one you and I
were in arise.

I've always tried to be understanding, to make an effort to be sympathetic and
provide whatever emotional support that my woman needs, but by doing that
I also expect that she'll make the same effort to fulfill my needs. I obviously
don't know the details, but it sounds like you tried to be understanding and
she was unwilling to make a change or basically try anything to keep your
relationship healthy (as far as sex goes) and I think that says a lot in itself. IMO, sex is just as
important as any other aspect of a relationship and if you weren't feeling
satisfied or fulfilled then there was obviously a problem. I don't think you
should feel like it was petty of you to have had such a problem.

With all the people in this world the probability that you'll find someone who
is willing to make the extra effort is extremely high. I know you are in a
tough situation, thinking if I only would have done this or that differently etc.,
but just know that there is someone out there that you can be with where you
don't have to sacrifice aspects of yourself, someone you are truly compatible
with, and when you find that person you will truly be happy in your relationship.

VNV · Jan 16, 2007

It's very helpful to hear supportive responses guys. I do feel like I made the right decision when I'm thinking rationally about it, but sometimes without outside perspective it's hard to know what to think. Thanks again.

donveto said:
2 words......SPRING BREAK....

Ill be there...

Nothing will help you get your self esteem back like a bunch of drunk girls..

Here is a tip ..dont go after 1st place in bikini/ wet tshirt contest....go after 3 place.. Theyt are down about the losing and you will be there to make them feel better...have fun while your young!

Haha. One thing is for certain: now that I'm single, I plan on taking a looong time before getting back into any serious relationship. Might as well enjoy this time. Lord knows I passed up many opprotunities while with my ex in college.

vitor said:
Relations are Mental, Physical and Spirtual and if one part is lacking or not there, your gonna be unhappy. As a young man begging your girlfriend for sex or feeling that she is doing you a favor by fucking you hurts the ego, and doesnt make you feel very good. Just relax, and you will meet some new girls soon. Did your ex make any effort to talk to her doctor about your problems or anything?

I definitely agree with your three-pronged approach to relationship happiness. I remember thinking conceiving something similar back when I began dating as a teen: relationships need to be compatible on three basic levels for success. Intellectually (mental), emotionally (spiritual), physically. We basically used different words to express the same things, vitor.

Early on when she first got on the meds, she noticed the lack of libido and switched to another drug. It was a disaster. She became emotional as all hell and quickly went back to the med that took away her libido. After that, she never really tried to work through the issue. She'd just make it a joke (e.g. "Yeah, my boyfriend has decided to become a eunuch on my behalf") and leave it at that, never being open to discuss it any further. I was easier for her to ignore the problem than try to find workarounds.

Like you said, it was definitely a blow to my ego.

Liphted said:
I feel for you, I went through a similar situation with my girl, and it was a very
frustrating time. It turned out to be the birth control she was taking that was
killing her sex drive, but either way the outcome was the same (us not having sex).

I think its hard for us (males) to put ourselves in the position of a woman with
regards to sex. Its so simple for us, all that it takes is some visual stimulation
and we are ready to go. With a woman its so much more and emotions play
such a large role in their desire to be intimate. Just one thing is off and it
seems to ruin the deal.

With all that being said I think women, being the sexual camels that they can
be, never appreciate the ingrained desire and almost animalistic urge we have
at times to simply have sex. So, inevitably situations like the one you and I
were in arise.

I've always tried to be understanding, to make an effort to be sympathetic and
provide whatever emotional support that my woman needs, but by doing that
I also expect that she'll make the same effort to fulfill my needs. I obviously
don't know the details, but it sounds like you tried to be understanding and
she was unwilling to make a change or basically try anything to keep your
relationship healthy (as far as sex goes) and I think that says a lot in itself. IMO, sex is just as
important as any other aspect of a relationship and if you weren't feeling
satisfied or fulfilled then there was obviously a problem. I don't think you
should feel like it was petty of you to have had such a problem.

With all the people in this world the probability that you'll find someone who
is willing to make the extra effort is extremely high. I know you are in a
tough situation, thinking if I only would have done this or that differently etc.,
but just know that there is someone out there that you can be with where you
don't have to sacrifice aspects of yourself, someone you are truly compatible
with, and when you find that person you will truly be happy in your relationship.

Sorry to hear you had to go through the same thing. My father used to tell me that the two things that could ruin a perfect relationship were sex and money. Men need sex, and women need to feel secure (money). I don't believe that entirely, but there's definitely some truth to it. Like you said, it's ingrained. Ouchthathurts wrote a thread I read last night about how we sometimes forget the biological imperatives that dictate or feelings and actions. Sure, we can master them to a degree, but you can't change millions of years of evolution

At almost 24, I definitely have not known enough women to know when I've found "the one." Like you said, there's a ton of women out there, and by sheer population alone, it's hard to imagine I won't find another that I can have a happy relationship and learn from.