broken

[tomuchgear]

only way i can say how i feel right now. my wife came home yesterday told me she no longer wants to be married, be a wife, she just wants to be a mother. we were having a bit of problems a while ago worked through em talked it out. had a plan she isnt happy were we are living so plan was to get a house in her home town. every thing was going great. now this doesnt want to seperate, doesnt want to have to comunicate or talk bout her feelings. nothing told me last night she doesnt love me any more. after 6.5 years its just not there. i asked her why she didnt tell me when we made all these plans. she said well i just wasnt sure then. now i am stuck trying to be strong infront of my kids who have never scene there daddy shed a single tear. trying to be supportive of her. we talk bout it she starts crying i want to yell and scream. tell her how bad it hurts and i cant. no matter how hard i try the thought of hurting her just makes me even more upset. i just dont know how do this right now. sound advice from phil has helped i mean i know i will move on and in time it will get better. its just the thought of losing my family the woman i love with all my heart and my best friend all at once. im scared for my kids she is moving in her mother now. the woman is full of venom. my soon to be ex didnt know her father till she was 18 due to her mother. long story there. but any way i am just so worried bout every thing and dont know how to stop the pain or the worry. its hard enough to lose her but if i lost my babys i dont know what i would do. im just scared at this point. sorry needed to vent cry some thing i dont know.

 

[Diesel City]

Bro sorry to hear that. Easy for me to say, but one thing I will say is this. Worrying is an absolute waste of your time and energy. What can come from worry? Not one good thing.

 

[ssdark1]

bro, ur post just oozes pain and i feel for you, sorry to hear that. no words will help, and im sure you know that, and just wanted to vent. one day at a time my man...you will see the positve aspect of it all in due time.

 

[hawkmoon]

I feel for you brother. I got that almost two years ago and tried to hold it together.
Keep trying to talk to her, if for nothing else but to learn if it is something you can work on or not.

 

[EVERLAST]

Bath time...

Ok man just breathe...
I been here.
Hear me?
I been here...

I was with her ten years and we had a beautiful baby girl. I cut the umbilical cord and the midwife handed her to ME. I put her into her mothers arms.
BUT IT WAS ME that held her first.

Our divorce was very painful to me. I loved her mother very much and in the end I had to just let her go.
Dont try to analyse why it only prolongs the pain.

Nothing very good or very bad lasts very long
Just go to the lawyers and let this thing pass.
The lawyer you pick to represent you is very important.
TALK TO THEM.
I was there every wednesday and every other weekend at first just like the papers said. I went to the girlscout parades and the school plays and ate that horrible bake sale crap.
Then it got to be more often and her mom really is a is a turd afterall,
so she wanted to come live with me.
So she did.
She is 19 now and an "A"student in her first year of college. She is fine and smart and tough as hell too.
She has good genes.

I feel you man. Now listen.. you will be fine but you need a good set of memories to hang onto for a bit. I used bath time. She would be sitting in the kitchen sink and I would wash her hair and play with her. She loved bath time and would just talk and gurgle and sing.
When it was bad I would lay there in the dark 29 miles away from her and her momma and hear her gurgling and singing in my memory.
Bath time.

You need a memory of the kids because they are going to be positive memories to counter balance the bad ones that are GOING to come.
You need to know how to fight against this mental enemy.
After a while your memories will be ok and so will you.
It is just a B!%@#* of a process.

You can holla at me anytime..

E

 

[therecanonlybe1]

been there done that 4 years ago...it was mutual and still hurts and no matter what anyone says or does it hurts...like a death. the key is you will get through it. just remember you are an adult and there are children in the picture who love you uncondiotionally... use them for strength and decision making in your hard road ahead.

 

[tomuchgear]

thanks every one. my dad just keeps tellin me its a roller coaster good days and bad days. last night was a bad day. my mother lives in the apartment that my wife and i started our lives together. the place i brought my son home to after his long fight in nicu. being there flooded so many memories of the life we had planned. the things we wanted to do. the love we once shared. its so hard when i see my kids. i lost it in the truck with them just telling my babies that thiere daddy loves them no matter what. i know i have to focus on them right now and try not to think about every thing else. make there lives as good as i can. but just when i think i am ok i crap out again. uh thanks again every one i appriciate it. this just sucks bout all i can say.

 

[EVERLAST]

hey man...

How are you holding up?
Get out around people.
Dont hole up...
dont hang always with people who know about it.

Getting out and interacting with strangers can help you get a minute or two of relief. Strangers who know nothing wont give you the sad look.

Keep in touch...

 

[tomuchgear]

i have my days but i can at least keep my emotions under control now. everlast thanks for the tip. when it starts to get to me i think of better times. my kids are a blessing in this situation they really are. dont know how to break it to em yet. last night while she was in class we went to the store. picked up random items to make a nice dinner. had a blast at bath time and danced and sang poorly to rise against. wich is prolly what we will do again tonight. the people around me keep offering there homes as a place to stay. no interest this is my life right now for a few more weeks i have a home with a family in it. till that runs up i am going to be here playing with my kids. working from home as much as i can. heck even took the next couple saturdays off. some thing i never do. i figure first nite with out em has got the be the hardest. if i can get through that i will be ok. thanks for every thing here guys. its amazing how no matter how shitty you feel no matter how you just want to crawl into a hole. when your children come up to you and say daddy i love your the best. that pain just doesnt seem as bad.

 

[EVERLAST]

hey buddy....

atta boy!
Be proactive...if you feel like it is going to be a bad day then keep busy.
alone and miserable is not a good combo.

remember the tricks and keep thinking ahead not behind.

 

[tomuchgear]

ya that was alot easier before i started sortin through tubs that had our crap mixed together. when i used to fight apparently every time my stats hit the paper she bought one. found a scrap book with my fav three kanji the represent my children and i. she cut out every article put it in this book. bout lost it she walks into the bedroom and says you didnt know about that. im like nope made a hard day alot harder. but its good she is off to class and work got my kids going to light some pics on fire. you know the kind lol. cant stand the thought of some one else ever seing those. oh well off to finish sorting, and then play with the kiddos.

 

[tomuchgear]

well things were actualy goin well. this weekend went great cept a few times. she would start to smile at me again as we played hide and seek with the kids. haven fun being a family then she would make some coment im like duh i get it. didnt let it phaze me well at least didnt show it. then we come to yesterday were she went into bitch mode. basicaly trying to keep on to what ever angry feelings she has by baiting me into a fight. so i kissed the kids said i have some errands to run. told her i would be back later. well later rolls back round im here she is calm and back to sweet and nice. then the fn phone rings. you ever get a bad feeling in your stomach after you get news. well its a loan officer she wants to move back to her home town wich i already knew that. she was looking for houses and such. well couple years ago sold my spyder and bought a truck. the financing options were much better with her as the main. so we went that route. never took her off my checking from way back when couse didnt see a reason to. well now she cant get a loan for a house couse of the truck. since she is still on my checking still looks like she is making the payments. so she calls her mom who i have had a sneakin suspicion about her pulling the strings from behind the curtain. well bam got my answer. asks her mother if she will cosign. her mom says no she cant. when just over a month ago they would have bought us a house let us kinda rent it off of them for a year. knowing that we were going to wait till the new year to sign papers. her mother now tells her that she can only stay with her and her stepdad till november. so what am i left with either sign papers early enough for her to find a place or be the asshole. so with a heavy heart and tear filled eyes told her i will sign in october if nothing has changed. went talked to my dad with the intent to get hammerd. needless to say didnt get hammerd and laughed harder than i have in a long time. sharing stupid stories of how you screwed up in your marriage. the whole time with this thought rotting the back of my brain. as i talked to mom and dad and told them about my mother in law aka satan. started thinking bout other things bout how once we are no longer under the same roof and the wife is under satans den. how much more poison she can spit. thoughts of the first time we split up. only reason we split was becouse we were just to young couldnt get it right. decided a break. her mom told her she should get a restraining order against me. i was like wtf granted that was wayyyyy many years ago. the wife was taken way back when that happend told her mom he is a good man and would never do any thing that would hurt me. ya know what ever. found out last night that the wife had told my adopted mom last summer that her mom thought i was worthless and she should toss me to the curb. so were am i at now. hmmmm sitting with thoughts of how we can do a disalusion i can get my visiting with my kids in a court order to protect my interests, or i can sit back and watch some one attempt to burn my life. did i forget to mention that the reason my wife didnt meet her father till she was 18 was becouse her mother wouldnt allow it. odd thing is he was a good man just married a whore. so now i sat and thought prayed a bit. then got off work way oddly early. shot down to one of the two lawyers i have used for random things. told him what was going on. getting papers written up. will be single before i am even out of my house. cant risk losing my kids. every one says leave it to the lawyers. good lawyers can keep things tied up. dont want to miss out on any thing more than what i already will not having them around every day. theres my update rant or what have you. shit sucks not at all what i want but the risk may not be worth the reward this time.

 

[EVERLAST]

well things were actualy goin well. this weekend went great cept a few times. she would start to smile at me again as we played hide and seek with the kids. haven fun being a family then she would make some coment im like duh i get it. didnt let it phaze me well at least didnt show it. then we come to yesterday were she went into bitch mode. basicaly trying to keep on to what ever angry feelings she has by baiting me into a fight. so i kissed the kids said i have some errands to run. told her i would be back later. well later rolls back round im here she is calm and back to sweet and nice. then the fn phone rings. you ever get a bad feeling in your stomach after you get news. well its a loan officer she wants to move back to her home town wich i already knew that. she was looking for houses and such. well couple years ago sold my spyder and bought a truck. the financing options were much better with her as the main. so we went that route. never took her off my checking from way back when couse didnt see a reason to. well now she cant get a loan for a house couse of the truck. since she is still on my checking still looks like she is making the payments. so she calls her mom who i have had a sneakin suspicion about her pulling the strings from behind the curtain. well bam got my answer. asks her mother if she will cosign. her mom says no she cant. when just over a month ago they would have bought us a house let us kinda rent it off of them for a year. knowing that we were going to wait till the new year to sign papers. her mother now tells her that she can only stay with her and her stepdad till november. so what am i left with either sign papers early enough for her to find a place or be the asshole. so with a heavy heart and tear filled eyes told her i will sign in october if nothing has changed. went talked to my dad with the intent to get hammerd. needless to say didnt get hammerd and laughed harder than i have in a long time. sharing stupid stories of how you screwed up in your marriage. the whole time with this thought rotting the back of my brain. as i talked to mom and dad and told them about my mother in law aka satan. started thinking bout other things bout how once we are no longer under the same roof and the wife is under satans den. how much more poison she can spit. thoughts of the first time we split up. only reason we split was becouse we were just to young couldnt get it right. decided a break. her mom told her she should get a restraining order against me. i was like wtf granted that was wayyyyy many years ago. the wife was taken way back when that happend told her mom he is a good man and would never do any thing that would hurt me. ya know what ever. found out last night that the wife had told my adopted mom last summer that her mom thought i was worthless and she should toss me to the curb. so were am i at now. hmmmm sitting with thoughts of how we can do a disalusion i can get my visiting with my kids in a court order to protect my interests, or i can sit back and watch some one attempt to burn my life. did i forget to mention that the reason my wife didnt meet her father till she was 18 was becouse her mother wouldnt allow it. odd thing is he was a good man just married a whore. so now i sat and thought prayed a bit. then got off work way oddly early. shot down to one of the two lawyers i have used for random things. told him what was going on. getting papers written up. will be single before i am even out of my house. cant risk losing my kids. every one says leave it to the lawyers. good lawyers can keep things tied up. dont want to miss out on any thing more than what i already will not having them around every day. theres my update rant or what have you. shit sucks not at all what i want but the risk may not be worth the reward this time.

you got hang tough man.
you got to be nice and smooth for those kids.
so you "maintain an even strain"

getting out of there is good for you.
Take care to remain a fixture in those kids lives.

everything else is lawyers work anyway...

 

[tomuchgear]

ya hoping things go smooth. had the lawyer write the papers up the exact way we previously discussed. just going to hang back till i get the call or email saying they are ready. no point in stressing or making a tense living situation any worse. but on a plus not found out my apartment should be ready after this weekend. the only thing that will need to be done is it will need to be cleaned. i told the land lord dont worry bout the cleaning i will do it myself. as soon as previous tenant is out i am getting in. try and transition the kids into this is were daddy is going to be living. this is your room here your always welcome here. you have toys all that stuff. make them feel as loved and welcome as i can. just dreading the odd questions of well when you get back you and mommy can live together again, or dont you still love mommy. all the fun things observant children tend to notice.

 

[EVERLAST]

odd questions...

ya hoping things go smooth. had the lawyer write the papers up the exact way we previously discussed. just going to hang back till i get the call or email saying they are ready. no point in stressing or making a tense living situation any worse. but on a plus not found out my apartment should be ready after this weekend. the only thing that will need to be done is it will need to be cleaned. i told the land lord dont worry bout the cleaning i will do it myself. as soon as previous tenant is out i am getting in. try and transition the kids into this is were daddy is going to be living. this is your room here your always welcome here. you have toys all that stuff. make them feel as loved and welcome as i can. just dreading the odd questions of well when you get back you and mommy can live together again, or dont you still love mommy. all the fun things observant children tend to notice.

Kids....there going to live in the world too. They need to know how to make friends and lose them, they need to know how to handle money. They need to know how to deal with a broken heart, a broken dream, and broken marriages. Apparantly there is no going back to the idea of having one marriage and one partner for life. The trends are more like 5 and 10 year runs with time off between. Can anyone truly meet all your needs for a lifetime.
Can you ever be someones' everything? Lover, friend, companion and nurse? Cook and confidant? Perhaps that is just an old ideal from a faraway time...

Better to learn to live in the light of today
than in the shadows of yesterday...

be honest with them as best you can. Simple answers for the littler ones.
There is always time later when they ask. And they will ask again.
Mine knows the whole story at last and last weekend she came in and just hugged me so tight and said she loved me because I never give up.
MAN, I lost it. See you can keep them. They arent going away. They are always yours...

 

[tomuchgear]

ya i know nothing will change that i am there father. nothing can change that i will love them no matter what. its just hard to look towards the upcoming months with my daughters 4th bday coming up and such. the other day the last thing i wanted was to leave this house. now all i can think about is how bad i dont want to be here. how i want to just move on. take the time to heal and just be. stupid rise against song keeps echoing in my head. the song is blood to bleed great song. speaks of a place were lives were lived but now are lost. as i look around the house that just a few months ago i was so optomistic bout raising my family all i see is a broken dream. kinda depressing, when i think of my new place. all i can think is how much fun the kids and i will have. making new memories and such. so there is a part of me that still feels broken, and another part that is optomistic towards the future. that for some reason things will be okay. my kids love me thats what counts.

 

[tomuchgear]

well ok nothing prepared me for this evening. with the move approaching takin my son over 2morrow to see my new place. i will take my daughter over soon as well just want to do it one at a time first. of course had to tell them whats going on. needless to say i got choked up putting my daughter down for the night. she asked me what was in my eye just kept telling her i loved her. telling her it was going to be ok. she will always be my little girl. i will always be her daddy. she was ok i was able to regain my brief loss in composure. then my little boy time to tuck him in for the night. he looks up at me from his little spiderman bad and says daddy with tear filled eyes i am going to miss you so much when you dont live with us any more. bout that time we both started balling. he understands whats goin on the best a 5 year old can. doesnt understand why his daddy cant live with him any more. had to tell him i loved him no matter what i would always be around. he could call me wich made him cry worse. couse he doesnt know my number. we just sat there holding each other crying tellin him how much i love him. that no matter what daddy will be there. if he has a bad dream he can call me to come kill the monsters in his room. you know through every thing i was finaly starting to be optomistic bout life after divorce. got visiation worked out i will get to see my kids pretty much as much as gas money will allow. i will get to keep them at my house and such. you know school schedules and work schedules permitting. sounded all so nice through a bad situation. till tonight when it set back in all the things that are going away. shit man how the hell do you deal with this. the heartbreak in my sons eyes is going to haunt me. i cant take that pain away from him. i dont know how. any one who has dealt with this please any advice at this point is welcome.

 

[hawkmoon]

TMG, I feel for you man.

I have been out of the house for almost three months now.
I might have an advantage in that my wife had been very hard on me for more than 18 months and that toughened me up, but I still fall apart if I think about things. Especially that I only see my daughter for about 36 hours a week...and at three she hardly misses me as she is such a mommy's girl. That just kills me. At least I don't have to endure my wife trying to destroy me day after day...

Most of the time I can keep my head up, stay distracted, put my energy elsewhere, but when I go home at night and it is quiet and empty...that can be hard, real hard.

My advice is to spend as much time as possible with friends and family. You will need their love and support in the coming months. It is no substitute, but it will help a lot.

 

[EVERLAST]

misery....

I wrote poetry. I sent letters to her. My daughter is everything to me.
The pain of the divorce is only the beginning...it gets worse my friend.
Moms new boyfriend will come in and maybe they'll like him, maybe they wont.
It wont matter you wont like him I promise.
He will be all wrong for your ex too.
Wont matter.
Time does bring solace to all wounds. Notice I didnt say heals all wounds.
There are wounds so deep that nothing helps.
Time will pass and you will hate her less. Time will pass and the kids will get used to the separation. kIDS ARE TOUGH.
The kids will see her as she is, and you too. So be a good man for them.
Be carefull who you date. Make damn sure about your choices.

Try to be upbeat and positive around them and they will see you are allright and they will be too. It really will get better, but you have some dark days ahead.

 

[Pekkerwood]

TooMuchGear:

Terribly sorry for your pain. I have a pretty unpopular piece of advice. Tone down the rhetoric, hate, and blame for the mother-in-law. No good will come of it. Only harm to you and your situation.

Be the best you can be, be a good example to your children. Lose the hate. I promise you it will be liberating in a way that will help you. Quit letting this lady rent space in your head. She is a bad tenant and will ruin the space. Evict her now.

Please try to find the peace and calm in this shit storm. Steel is tempered by fire, as will you be.

PWood