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Ehh my rant/story


New member
Oct 14, 2010

-21 years old
-suffer anxiety and mild depression
-heavy klonopin use when i go out in public
-stopped working 2 years ago
-bunions left me in a very unwalkable state
-recovering from foot surgery, have to get the next one done in 8 months
-cant get a job as any kind of laborer
-cant get a sitting job as i dont have the credentials
-I crash when under any kind of stress. Appetite goes, lose weight and motivation
-cant do much of anything because of the lack of $$
-only way to get money is through my parents, donations from friends, and selling any kinds of pharmaceuticals people are willing to buy, and internet/affiliate marketing
-living with parents
-taking online classes to keep health insurance
-dont see much of a outlook in the current path im in.
-would love to be a benefit to society but so far I have not been much other then a leacher
-contemplating on getting some governemt assistance.
-spend most of my time reading things on the internet about neuroscience (trying to find a "cure" for anxiety), computers, endocrinolgoy, affiliate marketing allong with web design.
-been trying to find a true way of working online at home, paid an actual salary but have had no luck at all.

Just looking for thoughts or other people who have gone through similar situations.

For those who like to read this kind of stuff:

Im 21 years old.

All through middle school and highschool I had OCD; which i believe stemmed from my mother constantly making me wash my hands. I also, to this day remember getting sick as a kid quite young, i would freeze and spew everywhere. Parents diddnt like that and would say, bathroom! bathroom and even carried me into the bathroom. Through elementary school and up into early highschool i was constantly washing my hands and terrified of getting sick. I got counseling and got my way through the OCD part.

I was doing good, got a job while in highschool, started working out and was in good shape; even broke the school pullup record. Then on my senior year, stress hit like no other. The reality of me being on my own hit hard. The change from HS to College was gona be big. I started having panic attacks left and right the last semester of school. I also was nauseated 24/7. It wasnt in my stomach but the feeling as if something was stuck in my throat kept me from eating a ton.

It got bad to where I was starting to throw up from anxiety. Doctor relized it was serious and gave me some klonopin. During this time i quit my job.

Klonopin worked its magic up through the first quarter of college. I was getting pretty big for being 5 7; was good with the ladies (although i was chemically castrated from the klonopin and an antidepressant). All of the sudden it felt like i hit a brick wall, everything fell out from under neath me.

I pushed my way through the day and went home. Took some more klonopin and was good. Went out with my friends on Halloween night and managed to get shot in the eye wth a paintball gun.

I was left blind from the incident and was directed from the doctor that I could not do any physical activity for 2 months. BIG CHANGE. I was always physical for as long as I could remember. It was my outlet.

Well within a week of bedrest, i started to loose my appetite. As time when on i could tell i was loosing mass and strenght. I missed 4 weeks of school and was forced to drop out of college. (penn state).

I eventually was able to walk but was so stressed out. I lost so much weight and looked like i came out of Auschwitz.

I began taking online classes to keep my health insurance which i am still taking to this day.

A year went on and i new things needed to change. Started lifting regularly and improved diet. I was almost back to where I was until I was hit with another issue.

Over the years I developed bunions, painfull deformity of the feet. It hurts to be on my feet let allone walk. I was forced to have surgery on one foot and must have surgery on the next in a year.

That set me back two months.

Luckily the friendly board sponsor at Amino Outpost hooked me up with some growth hormone peptides which vastly increased my healing time.

It still hurts to walk as my other foot is fubar'd and the one that got opperated on still swells up due to poor circulation. Doctor said its very common to have it upwards of six months.

Needless to say Im stressed about this too.

In an effort to get back to where I was, i got my hands on some dianabol and testosterone; spent literally all i had on it. Attempted to do a cycle but was having massive derealization and anxiety. My goals was to increase my non existant appetite and in hopes of helping my anxiety. (already on lexapro/remeron and klonopin when things get shady; what more can i use? lol). So i stopped the cycle in a matter of days and now have some substance i have no use for, guess im gona have to sell it.

I havnt been able to have a true job to due my walking abilities allong with my anxiety and depression. I have to bum money off my parents and rely on donations from friends.

My only income has been internet marketing; which is shady in its own right.

I owe thousands of dollars in college bills; no idea how im going to pay it back at this rate.
Last edited:


New member
Feb 1, 2010
I read your whole post, wish i was more help.

Find what you really like. take some better online classes, that will get you a job later on.

Think positive, your young.


May 25, 2009
I see a case of "LIFE" happening. I have/had VERY simular issues like u, minus the foot shit. im in my mid 30s and in my early 20s went threw in one way or another what ur going threw. Deal is, every part of ur brain is telling u its never going to change and ur life will always be this does change, mabey not how we want, but ALWAYS better. Thats life, u just have to adapt/accept u have no say, its life and im going to deal with it. couple things i did to help alittle....: work around ur foot shit and do what u can in the gym. Being in the same social setting where we might not be friends with everyone but a nod hello,is a good start. If u want to do some juice but u get alittle to hyped on em right now, choose what u do. Mabey a shot of 250mg test, with some winni or var would be better on the nerves than haven a bunch of high test, d bol, a bombs, cheque drop runnin threw ya. STICK with the doctor, keep finding deferent combos to help, i still need some clonazapine in certain situations, but my life is SO defferent and better than when i was where ur at. Action, look into diet, nutrition,yoga,meditation,what ever god u want, than mabey whan all thats in order a pretty girl will come along and youll see how good life really can be. Nobodys perfect. Flow threw life, dont go against flow. why, ur the one that started the thread LOL!! peace:)

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