Feels like she cheated on me.

VNV · Jun 15, 2007

Girl problems. Ugh. (What else?)

For a very long time, I practically had to beg to have sex with my own girlfriend. We'd do it maybe once or twice a month. She was on antidepressant meds that killed her libido, but she just didn't seem to care about my needs.

I dealt with it for as long as I could (about 9 months) before I got sick of getting rejected all the time. Like any self-respecting man would have done, I had to leave, to salvage what was left of my dignity and self-worth.

We broke up for about three weeks but got back together after having some long heart-to-hearts. Things have been very well since (it's now 6 months later). She's actually been putting out and caring about my physical needs.

While we were broken up though, she got drunk and, with the encouragement of her sisters who now hate me, screwed one of her sister's male friends.

I found this out yesterday. I have never felt so insulted in my entire life. It has been such a blow to my ego. She made me work so hard to get intimacy, and yet she spread her legs for some virtual stranger as soon as we broke up. Unbelievable. And she told me she hadn't seen anyone while we were broken up.

Last but not least, shortly after we got back together, I went out with her sisters and their friends, and this guy she screwed was there. She got drunk and I thought I saw them flirting a little. At the time, because I didn't know he fucked her, I just thought to myself that I was being paranoid. What an idiot I must have looked like.

What would you guys do? I really don't think I can ever get past this.

mrsoul · Jun 15, 2007

ouch. the part that would have bothered me was having him around me and me being the only one who did'nt know. not very respectfull at all.

maxsupplements · Jun 15, 2007

ehhhh...

man, bad deal. i will be interested to hear what OuchThatHurts or Sugmund Roid has to say about this.

man. im really sorry to hear about this. i have been in a similar situation before. and it bothered me to no end. well, to the end of the relationship that is. but dude, you just need to decide if you can and ever will be able to trust her again. espeacially if she lied to you like she did. she told you that she didnt see anybody? well, hmm.. she might of not been dating someone, but she sure as well was fucking someone. so, dude, this is something you have to really did down deep inside and ask yourself if you will ever be able to have intimacy in your relationship, have trust, and be able to forget about it. after all, you were broken up. but still. she lied to you. and if it was me. well, i know that i was unable to forget the situation. i played it over and over in my mind. and it was just mind overload. so, since i coudlnt trust her anylonger, i just broke up with her.

. if you have had problems in the past with the sex, you better guarantee that it will only get worse as you get older with her if you are even considering her as a possible life partner. so, if i were you, i would cut my losses, and move on. there are far to many women out there that will make you happy, and respect you, and give you what you need in a relationship. we all have needs and when we have good communication in a relationship, compromise, and compassion for one another, you have a good thing. that would be classified as a healthy relationship. just always remember, some will, some wont, so what, WHO'S NEXT?!? Dude, if she disrespected you by totally putting you into a position that you didnt even know happened, that is some crap. and believe me, her sisters know about it, and knew about it. so, that should show their character as well, and how much you could imagine they also know about.

you have an opportunity to make a large change. i will say this, that if you are able to move past this, dont EVER bring it up. it will only be a major MAJOR cause of fights and arguments over time. just forget about it, and love her like you cant.

but again. it is a decision of your own.

OuchThatHurts, how did i do?

JCAnderson · Jun 15, 2007

I have been in a similair situation a few times. The girl I was dating for 3 1/2 years started fucking my best friend behind my back. She decided to break this to my while we were having sex. Man I was heart broken. Now their married and I wish both of their lieing asses the best! I don't have any hard feelings now, but it took me a while to get over it. Basically the lieing is what killed me.

It's just one of those things you can either deal with and get over or one of those things you will think about constantly and not get over. Sorry to be so blunt but that's the way it is. I guess it's going to depend heavily on how well your relationship is doing now. If things are going well and you think maybe one day she may be the one, you need to get over it and try to forget about it. I know it's hard to deal with but you gotta look deep inside yourself and ask the question: Can I get over this and move on with the relationship?

VNV · Jun 15, 2007

I don't really have much to say at this point (my thoughts are a mess!), but I read every word of your posts guys and appreciate it, very much. It's really a shame we can relate. It definitely comes down to trust and whether I can move past this or not.

When she told me about this, we were driving to her sister's to have a couple beers, about 20 blocks away. I pulled over, told her to get out of the car, and drove off.

I told myself I would never look back. Now she's calling and texting and emailing and IMing. Every neuron in my brain is telling me I can never respect or trust her again; to cut my losses and run.

I hate myself for it, but I miss her and finally responded. We're getting together after work. Guess I'll find out soon whether I can actually deal with this.

buffbabeca · Jun 16, 2007

WITHOUT TRUST THERE IS NOTHING.. TAKE IT FROM A FEMALE(MYSELF) THAT IS BS THAT SHE WOULDNT PUT OUT TO YOU BUT THEN SOME RANDOM DUDE SHE SPREADS HER LEGS FOR.. SHE REALIZES NOW SHE HAD A GOOD GUY AND IS TRYING TO HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE... RUN DONT WALK AWAY FROM HER

YOU DESERVE BETTER

BOOMSHAKER · Jun 16, 2007

Let me put this in a language most can understand "fuck them all" the girlfriend, and the sisters! You did your part, you stuck by her and worked hard to make it work. She listens to her sisters for one night and bangs another guy??? FUCK that! And then she sort of flirts with him? OH HELL NO!!!! Kick her ass to the curb and find yourself another gir that respects you for yourself and your needs! There is it! Cut and dry! (just my .02)

thebrick · Jun 16, 2007

buffbabeca said:
WITHOUT TRUST THERE IS NOTHING.. TAKE IT FROM A FEMALE(MYSELF) THAT IS BS THAT SHE WOULDNT PUT OUT TO YOU BUT THEN SOME RANDOM DUDE SHE SPREADS HER LEGS FOR.. SHE REALIZES NOW SHE HAD A GOOD GUY AND IS TRYING TO HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE... RUN DONT WALK AWAY FROM HER

YOU DESERVE BETTER

Well said.

aquaholic · Jun 16, 2007

hm.

i'd stay farrrr away from anyone who drinks so much they lose control.
male or female.

she shouldn't be drinking in excess on anti-depressants.

but in all fairness, you two weren't together at that time.

..and while you're getting of the 'ah dude, fuck her -there are tons of chicks out there' replies, i don't think what you're feeling is wrong or unnatural, especially if you still feel a connection to her. I personally don't think anyone is 'replaceable' like that.

but it's probably time to think about #1 first, which is you.

healthfreak79 · Jun 16, 2007

Thats just wrong id leave her. What would piss me off the most is she wouldnt have sex with you but then has sex with another guy she doesnt know. I couldnt handle that. Then she had the balls to flirt with him in front of you, whos to say she wont see him on the side if you get back with her. Let her go man. You know if she wanted sex that night she should of called you and im sure you would of been more then willing.

VanR__ · Jun 16, 2007

buffbabeca said:
WITHOUT TRUST THERE IS NOTHING.. TAKE IT FROM A FEMALE(MYSELF) THAT IS BS THAT SHE WOULDNT PUT OUT TO YOU BUT THEN SOME RANDOM DUDE SHE SPREADS HER LEGS FOR.. SHE REALIZES NOW SHE HAD A GOOD GUY AND IS TRYING TO HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE... RUN DONT WALK AWAY FROM HER

YOU DESERVE BETTER

Ditto on this.

AWN2004 · Jun 16, 2007

VNV said:
For a very long time, I practically had to beg to have sex with my own girlfriend. We'd do it maybe once or twice a month. She was on antidepressant meds that killed her libido, but she just didn't seem to care about my needs.

I dealt with it for as long as I could (about 9 months) before I got sick of getting rejected all the time. Like any self-respecting man would have done, I had to leave, to salvage what was left of my dignity and self-worth.

We broke up for about three weeks but got back together after having some long heart-to-hearts. Things have been very well since (it's now 6 months later). She's actually been putting out and caring about my physical needs.

While we were broken up though, she got drunk and, with the encouragement of her sisters who now hate me, screwed one of her sister's male friends.

I found this out yesterday. I have never felt so insulted in my entire life. It has been such a blow to my ego. She made me work so hard to get intimacy, and yet she spread her legs for some virtual stranger as soon as we broke up. Unbelievable. And she told me she hadn't seen anyone while we were broken up.

Last but not least, shortly after we got back together, I went out with her sisters and their friends, and this guy she screwed was there. She got drunk and I thought I saw them flirting a little. At the time, because I didn't know he fucked her, I just thought to myself that I was being paranoid. What an idiot I must have looked like.

What would you guys do? I really don't think I can ever get past this.

Bro...its hard I know it is but you have to do for yourself and do whats right for you. I mean...do you think she is the one? Do you think that there is NOBODY out there that will treat you better than she does? Everyone wants to feel loved by someone but man...it just sounds like she isnt the right one and for Gods sake she sure as hell does not respect you enough to be truthful.. Its not the fact you were broken up when this happened, but rather what you went through and then she did that, Id have to leave. It may be the hardest thing you ever do, but in the end its probably the right. Its just wrong...think about all you went through for 9 months prior and then she just goes out and then lies to you? You are better than that girl man....its going to take time to heal but be strong and use it to make you a stronger person.

oldfella · Jun 16, 2007

VnV, you have two beautiful women here giving you the real female take on this, I'd listen very carefully to what they are saying bro. These two sisters here know what they are talking about. Glad you girls chimed in on this. VnV this is a tough situation but then it calls for tough action. Walk away bro. Plenty of others out there. be patient, get into your training, get with your close friends and get on with it!!

Buff, Aqua, great advise you two!! Very good to hear your opinions on this stuff!!

maxsupplements · Jun 16, 2007

aquaholic said:
hm.

..and while you're getting of the 'ah dude, fuck her -there are tons of chicks out there' replies, i don't think what you're feeling is wrong or unnatural, especially if you still feel a connection to her. I personally don't think anyone is 'replaceable' like that.

.

i agree here with aqua. i didnt say that these feelings are unnatural, just said that if she would disrespect you like that, then move on.

connection or not, you have to decide if you can ever trust her again. cause after all, what BA said, IF YOU DONT HAVE TRUST- THEN YOU HAVE NOTHING..

vitor · Jun 16, 2007

It does sort of make you look stupid to see them together again. This is more of a pride issue than anything else. You broke up with her, and then she no longer had to answer to you. You moved on, and were comfortable with your decision. She messed up bad, but for all intensive purposes wasnt with you any more.

Pride is kicking in because if you went and fucked some girl and she found out, you would have said we were broken up. I know that is what my argument or excuse would have been.

I think deep down your pride and ego are hurt. Her family hating you is a natural reaction to help her feel better and get over you. You never called a buddies girl a hoe once they broke up to help him get over it.

This is one of those things you can get over or you cant. At this point I would just move on. There are so many good girls out there, and you already have too much baggage with this one.

Nytol · Jun 17, 2007

I could not live with it myself, but I am really sorry to hear your in such a shitty situation.

I know if it were me, it would bother me every minute of every day, and when ever I saw her that would be all I would think about, esp when it came to sex.

However maybe you were not as understanding as you could have been when her libido was low due to the SSRI's, this is a common side effect, and one she'd have no control over.

It does not excuse how she behaved though.

Scorpio · Jun 17, 2007

Bro I've been through shit like this and trust me you'll get over it. It ain't the end of the world. At least she waited til your were broken up. She obviously has issues if she's on meds so don't let it reflect on you and to hell with what anyone else thinks. Rise above it, get back on the horse and go find yourself a nice little rebound hottie. Next thing you know she'll be sweating you and begging you to come back. Then you just kick her to the curb.

BIGGUNS101 · Jun 17, 2007

buffbabeca said:
WITHOUT TRUST THERE IS NOTHING.. TAKE IT FROM A FEMALE(MYSELF) THAT IS BS THAT SHE WOULDNT PUT OUT TO YOU BUT THEN SOME RANDOM DUDE SHE SPREADS HER LEGS FOR.. SHE REALIZES NOW SHE HAD A GOOD GUY AND IS TRYING TO HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE... RUN DONT WALK AWAY FROM HER

YOU DESERVE BETTER

Agreed and I would never speak to her again, not one bit, you seem like a good guy so starting over shouldnt be too hard, plus restarts in life is what makes you grow and mature. Good luck...also getting some new ass will help you feel better sooner, just dont be to quick to jump into a new relationship, have some time to yourself.

VNV · Jun 18, 2007

Thanks a lot for all the feedback guys. I really needed to hear some other people's thoughts to know if I was off-base in feeling so bad. My friends don't really care because they all think I should have moved on a while ago.

I'm going to try to stay with her. We've got over two years together and I feel like I've put too much into this to just walk away. Maybe not the best idea, but it's what I'm going to try to do.

One last insult to injury: she says she doesn't remember whether she used protection (i.e. condom) or not because she was too drunk to know. And we've been having unprotected sex since I got back together with her because she said she hadn't been with anyone.

If I had other opportunities with women right now, I think I'd just forget her. Makes me feel like a real pussy to stay, but that's what I'm going to do.

VanR__ · Jun 18, 2007

VNV said:
I dealt with it for as long as I could (about 9 months) before I got sick of getting rejected all the time. Like any self-respecting man would have done, I had to leave, to salvage what was left of my dignity and self-worth.