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Greetings Friends. Many of you have known me as "LittleMack" over the past year or more. I've made a lot of wonderful friends here on this board. Many of you have followed in my pain and suffering and tried to offer your support and counsel to me. I can't tell you ALL how very much I appreciate the support. Way above and beyond the call of duty and I want to especially thank OTH for all of his help and advice.
So, Ultimately I had to enroll in counseling and therapy twice a week. I've also had to get on a new anti-depressant that really has helped get my brain chemistry troubles sorted.
It appears I have suffered from depression for quite a long time. I have neglected counseling and treatment all of this time, and found that my relationships acted as distractions from it.
Depression is a terrible thing. Through my struggles, I've learned that there often is not One paticular cause. One really great thing, for me, is that my therapist incorporates God and spiritual life into the sessions. Showing me biblical examples of men suffering as I have, and it has really helped give me a sense of purpose again. I won't go into the spiritual stuff, b/c I know everyone has their own religious beliefs.
I learned how "ill-equiped" I have been in handling situations and recovering from my past. Bodybuilding and alcohol were crutches in my life. Helping people and caring for others was another crutch used to provide me with a sense of selfworth and happiness.
With the right understanding and what I like to refer to as "management tools" I have been able to reavaluate a lot of my beliefs that were causing emotions that were uncontrollable and behaviors that were destructive. I had to go back and change these beliefs. "I don't feel I'm worthy of life." By who's standards? "I don't feel I'm good enough." According to whom?
I had this HUGE HOLE IN MY BODY. This physical aching and pain that I walked around with. Blaming this hole on my ex and her little girl that I no longer had. I learned how to speak to this large hole. I learned to ask where this hole came from and learned it came from my father and his mother and generations before them. I asked this hole what it needed and it said "love." So, I gave it God's love and watched as this hole was filled and dissapeared into my body.
I had to understand that "Experiences", cause "Beliefs", which influence our "Thoughts and Perceptions", that turn into our "Emotions", and ultimately cause "Behaviors."
My emotions were draining me and overwhelming. I had a meltdown just before enrolling in therapy. Major depression struck and I laid in bed for 16+ hours a day for two solid weeks. Didn't eat. Lost a bunch of weight. It was a horrible time for me. I became obsessed with a certain girl I'd recently met and scared away with my mood swings. I was obsessed with this person. Let me tell you guys something. Obsession is just as horrible as depression if not more. You have absolutely no control of yourself, your thoughts, your words. You think its bad for the person being obsessed over? ha. Think again. Its far worse for the person who is imprisoned by it. I don't wish that on my worst enemy.
I had really bad codependency issues that I must have learned along the way with the series of girlfriends and lovers that I tried to rescue. With my family that I tried to help and rescue. I really had to understand this issue and read up on it. Realize that I was creating self worth in my coming to aid and rescue people. Learning how we seek to rescue, then control, and then feel victamized in the end. I can recall my ex-gf's addiction to pot and how hard I tried to get her off that stuff. How I supported her, etc...
A key tool for me became the understanding of "knowledge" that we listen to.
I was taught to look at it visually as two knobs on a radio(three if you believe in God). There is information that we listen to from our emotions. Its often loud and blairing and overpowering. It uses so much energy and can really zap you. My emotion knob was always on full blast. Depression, Anger, Guilt, Anxiety. I remember reading emails and posts and anytime there was just the least bit of confrontation, I could hear the other person "yelling" at me as I read their words. Blairing...blairing...blairing.
Then you have intellectual knowledge. This is the information you derive in your mind that is very logical. Not nearly as high volume as emotion.
The last knob I had access to was what my therapist referred to as "heart felt" knowledge. This knowledge is really hard to listen to and is information you get from God. You have to turn down the emotional and intellectual knobs to hear "Heart Felt" knowledge. Sometimes the answers go against logic and you may not understand them now but one day in the future you do. I access it with constant prayer throughout the day. The answers are generally very short and simple or to the point.
The one great benefit of visualizing this "radio" of information or knowledge was that I learned to visually turn down the "emotional" knob and control the volume of it. However, to ultimately change any negative emotions I had to go in and change my beliefs.
This biggest change I made in my beliefs was to redefine who exactly I am. Who am I? I am saddened to say, that somewhere along the line, I began to identify who I was based on "the physical me." My attractiveness, my muscular physique, and a desperate need to turn back the clock of time and appear more youthful physically. Shallow isn't it? What's even worse. I defined others by their physical attractiveness. This was especially appearant in the women I dated. Its so easy to slip into this mindset or "belief" without even realizing it.
So I had to throw that out and redefine who I am based on what I am inside and my soul. I believe this body is only a physical "shell" if you will and that when we die our soul leaves this Earth. So why am I defining who I by the physical?
Ultimately, revisiting my faith in God and learning who I am in God's eyes redefined my belief in who I am. My mind is brewing and formulating "My Purpose" in life based on God's Intentions.
I believe I needed to struggle. To lose everything that I valued so dearly in my life. Little Kaylee. A series of friends and relationships. To struggle in my career. It would take something very monumental like this to get me into counseling and ultimately change my flawed beliefs and briing me closer to God and improve the relationship I have with Him. All of these things I have lost, I depended on to create my self worth. Now, I define that in God's eyes and its completely changed the way I look at everything.
I still have work to do. Learning to set boundaries. Learning to say "NO" to others. It is comforting to know that no one knows everything and we can't be expected to.
I have a list of books that I've especially found usefull and am open to other recommendations.
I don't have author's names...but "Your Inner Child of The Past," "Codependent No More," "The Language of Letting Go," "Where is God When We Hurt" (By Philip Yancey), "Whats So Amazing About Grace" (By Philip Yancey). I guess these have been the most notable so far.
I'm not embarrassed by any of my struggles or my counseling or need of medication. So I am an open book to anyone who suffers or is going through similar struggles. It is reassuring to know that EVERYONE suffers from something. If you listen enough you will pick up on this. Some struggle more than others. Some struggle physically. Some struggle emotionally. Some struggle spiritually. The book entitled "Where is God when We Hurt" was a really great book at identifying varying types of struggle and how to overcome that suffering with your mind.
Great Being Back! Looking forward to contributing to the counseling forum in any way that I can.
Cheers!
-Mack
So, Ultimately I had to enroll in counseling and therapy twice a week. I've also had to get on a new anti-depressant that really has helped get my brain chemistry troubles sorted.
It appears I have suffered from depression for quite a long time. I have neglected counseling and treatment all of this time, and found that my relationships acted as distractions from it.
Depression is a terrible thing. Through my struggles, I've learned that there often is not One paticular cause. One really great thing, for me, is that my therapist incorporates God and spiritual life into the sessions. Showing me biblical examples of men suffering as I have, and it has really helped give me a sense of purpose again. I won't go into the spiritual stuff, b/c I know everyone has their own religious beliefs.
I learned how "ill-equiped" I have been in handling situations and recovering from my past. Bodybuilding and alcohol were crutches in my life. Helping people and caring for others was another crutch used to provide me with a sense of selfworth and happiness.
With the right understanding and what I like to refer to as "management tools" I have been able to reavaluate a lot of my beliefs that were causing emotions that were uncontrollable and behaviors that were destructive. I had to go back and change these beliefs. "I don't feel I'm worthy of life." By who's standards? "I don't feel I'm good enough." According to whom?
I had this HUGE HOLE IN MY BODY. This physical aching and pain that I walked around with. Blaming this hole on my ex and her little girl that I no longer had. I learned how to speak to this large hole. I learned to ask where this hole came from and learned it came from my father and his mother and generations before them. I asked this hole what it needed and it said "love." So, I gave it God's love and watched as this hole was filled and dissapeared into my body.
I had to understand that "Experiences", cause "Beliefs", which influence our "Thoughts and Perceptions", that turn into our "Emotions", and ultimately cause "Behaviors."
My emotions were draining me and overwhelming. I had a meltdown just before enrolling in therapy. Major depression struck and I laid in bed for 16+ hours a day for two solid weeks. Didn't eat. Lost a bunch of weight. It was a horrible time for me. I became obsessed with a certain girl I'd recently met and scared away with my mood swings. I was obsessed with this person. Let me tell you guys something. Obsession is just as horrible as depression if not more. You have absolutely no control of yourself, your thoughts, your words. You think its bad for the person being obsessed over? ha. Think again. Its far worse for the person who is imprisoned by it. I don't wish that on my worst enemy.
I had really bad codependency issues that I must have learned along the way with the series of girlfriends and lovers that I tried to rescue. With my family that I tried to help and rescue. I really had to understand this issue and read up on it. Realize that I was creating self worth in my coming to aid and rescue people. Learning how we seek to rescue, then control, and then feel victamized in the end. I can recall my ex-gf's addiction to pot and how hard I tried to get her off that stuff. How I supported her, etc...
A key tool for me became the understanding of "knowledge" that we listen to.
I was taught to look at it visually as two knobs on a radio(three if you believe in God). There is information that we listen to from our emotions. Its often loud and blairing and overpowering. It uses so much energy and can really zap you. My emotion knob was always on full blast. Depression, Anger, Guilt, Anxiety. I remember reading emails and posts and anytime there was just the least bit of confrontation, I could hear the other person "yelling" at me as I read their words. Blairing...blairing...blairing.
Then you have intellectual knowledge. This is the information you derive in your mind that is very logical. Not nearly as high volume as emotion.
The last knob I had access to was what my therapist referred to as "heart felt" knowledge. This knowledge is really hard to listen to and is information you get from God. You have to turn down the emotional and intellectual knobs to hear "Heart Felt" knowledge. Sometimes the answers go against logic and you may not understand them now but one day in the future you do. I access it with constant prayer throughout the day. The answers are generally very short and simple or to the point.
The one great benefit of visualizing this "radio" of information or knowledge was that I learned to visually turn down the "emotional" knob and control the volume of it. However, to ultimately change any negative emotions I had to go in and change my beliefs.
This biggest change I made in my beliefs was to redefine who exactly I am. Who am I? I am saddened to say, that somewhere along the line, I began to identify who I was based on "the physical me." My attractiveness, my muscular physique, and a desperate need to turn back the clock of time and appear more youthful physically. Shallow isn't it? What's even worse. I defined others by their physical attractiveness. This was especially appearant in the women I dated. Its so easy to slip into this mindset or "belief" without even realizing it.
So I had to throw that out and redefine who I am based on what I am inside and my soul. I believe this body is only a physical "shell" if you will and that when we die our soul leaves this Earth. So why am I defining who I by the physical?
Ultimately, revisiting my faith in God and learning who I am in God's eyes redefined my belief in who I am. My mind is brewing and formulating "My Purpose" in life based on God's Intentions.
I believe I needed to struggle. To lose everything that I valued so dearly in my life. Little Kaylee. A series of friends and relationships. To struggle in my career. It would take something very monumental like this to get me into counseling and ultimately change my flawed beliefs and briing me closer to God and improve the relationship I have with Him. All of these things I have lost, I depended on to create my self worth. Now, I define that in God's eyes and its completely changed the way I look at everything.
I still have work to do. Learning to set boundaries. Learning to say "NO" to others. It is comforting to know that no one knows everything and we can't be expected to.
I have a list of books that I've especially found usefull and am open to other recommendations.
I don't have author's names...but "Your Inner Child of The Past," "Codependent No More," "The Language of Letting Go," "Where is God When We Hurt" (By Philip Yancey), "Whats So Amazing About Grace" (By Philip Yancey). I guess these have been the most notable so far.
I'm not embarrassed by any of my struggles or my counseling or need of medication. So I am an open book to anyone who suffers or is going through similar struggles. It is reassuring to know that EVERYONE suffers from something. If you listen enough you will pick up on this. Some struggle more than others. Some struggle physically. Some struggle emotionally. Some struggle spiritually. The book entitled "Where is God when We Hurt" was a really great book at identifying varying types of struggle and how to overcome that suffering with your mind.
Great Being Back! Looking forward to contributing to the counseling forum in any way that I can.
Cheers!
-Mack
