Mother in law

[jim12]

I had always hoped when I found the woman of my dreams we would be as happy as could be. Suprisingly enough I found that woman HOWEVER, her mother drives me insane. I am a person who is not going to have someone drag me down or keep me from what I believe I can obtain. But when my mother in law enters the picture I just see my dreams being kept from me. As sad as this sounds I want to move so bad right now. I can not stand being in the same town as her.

Example tonight is just one of many numerous BS things that piss me off time and time again with this family. My wife has 3 younger sisters 21, 20 and 18 yrs old. All live with their mom because all but the 18 yr old are worthless. At times I think the 18 yr old falls in that catagory as well. But anyway the 21 year old missed her flight tonight and now wants my wife to go with her. I am pissed at this because the weather sucks. Its been snowing all day the roads are shitty. Would prefer her not to be out there at all. It is not safe. I know this since I run a snow plow and I have been out there for the last two days going on 3 at 2:30am tomorrow morning. I find out that my mother in law wants my wife to go pick up my wifes 21 yr old sister at the airport which in this weather is nearly 2 hours away all because she has just jumped into bed.

Now what in the %@#% did she do that for if she knew she had to pick up her daughter? If anything I think she would have already been there at the airport waiting. Only a 1hr difference in flight times SO IM TOLD. Im pretty sure the MIL lied to me there. Oh and another reason she didnt want to go pick her up herself as well was because she was tired. I dont think she knows what tired is. She is simply lazy and tries to have everyone do everything for her. It drives me crazy. Ive never been given much in my life and have had to work for everything that I have. This woman however reminds me of someone who will give up at everything if it does not come to her easily...Now every time I tell my wife that she needs to tell her to just get up and do something we get in a fight. I am really not to pissed at my wife but more mad at her mother. But anyway it always ends up being a fight between me and my wife. I tell her that nothing will ever change with her if you dont tell her NO. She always tells me that she feels like she has to choose between the two of us.

Now I love my wife more than anything in the world and everyone knows that. My family especially. If I was told to choose I wouldnt have a second thought about it. My family better know that. I dont sleep next to them.

Anyways all this fighting sucks and I dont feel like this will ever end. It pisses me off. I feel like my wife is always there to give a drunk a drink. I feel that if she just says no maybe she would cause her mother to actually react and take some action with her life.

I really could go on and on and I probably am but how many of you guys and gals for that fact have problems with your in-laws. I feel like this could possible ruin us at some point. My wife gets so upset by feeling like she has to choose. To be honest I want her to and I hope it would be me but if not then at least I would know...

Thanks for the ear everyone
maybe you guys know how to handle the Mother in law better than I do and if so Im all ears. Maybe I can just hire a hitman!

 

[icecap]

Bro, My mother-in-law was the same way for the first 2 years when i was dating her daughter, i did not fit the profile of the perfect man for her daughter, so that made me want to stay and make mother-in-laws life hell, We got married and had two children and now on the sixth year with no problems at all, mother-in-law is nice as pie, i told her i would take her
shark fishing if she did not respect and treat me nice, no problems now bro.

 

[jim12]

Ya I wish I could say the same thing. From the start they really didnt like the way I did things or the way I was for whatever reason. Have been together now for almost 5 years and I feel that its all a big act. I cant hardly say a thing cuz I say what I feel so I just shut up around them. They cant have a normal conversation. My wife has a hard time conversing with them. They are totally different than we are.

It just pisses me off that is always looking for my wifes help when she doesnt want to do a damn thing herself.

At the moment I really really just want to move to a different town. One that is a little further than the 10 miles we have now. I know that wont fix things but hopefully it will force her to get her shit together. I just see my wife and I getting torn apart all because of her Mother in law. There are just never ending stupid choices that are made from her family. Then we have to bail them out. I want to tell them to go to hell and figure it out themselves but that will never happen. Me and th wife will just fight instead

 

[icecap]

Ya, thats a hard one buddy, there must be a line for everything, i would hate coming home after work because of problems in my life with my family, its hard to focus and be fully rested with that shit going on, you need to make a change bro because life is too short man, you may love the wife and think she is the world to you, but if your not happy day in day out and you don't think it will get better you must think of your self and carry on bro, the last thing you want is to get sick from being stressed out all the time, stress is the #1 cause of cancer and if your not fully rested and stressed everyday you will get sick bro, draw your line with the wife and family and if they cross it over & over you must leave for your own good, don't waste time if your not happy, lol bro

 

[icecap]

I read my reply and think, I would make a good mom, my parents drilled all that shit in my head when i was young and dating.

 

[njpooldude]

Your freaking me out.. i hope your wife is not my gf....




all kidding aside, i sware our MILs HAVE to be fucking related!!

After 3 years ive finally gotten my girl to realize her mom is a POS, lazy, selfcentered, $$hungry, cock suckin, loud mouth, controlling, cheating,..... ill stop.. but i could really keep going.... im so heated now!!!!!! lol.. im heated for you too man.. god, i know how you feel!!

you just wanna call her and be like, listen here you fat lazy bitch, get your ass out of bed and go pick up YOUR DAUGHTER!!!! IM TIRED OF HELPING YOUUUUUUUU!

 

[marilyn]

Your freaking me out.. i hope your wife is not my gf....




all kidding aside, i sware our MILs HAVE to be fucking related!!

After 3 years ive finally gotten my girl to realize her mom is a POS, lazy, selfcentered, $$hungry, cock suckin, loud mouth, controlling, cheating,..... ill stop.. but i could really keep going.... im so heated now!!!!!! lol.. im heated for you too man.. god, i know how you feel!!

you just wanna call her and be like, listen here you fat lazy bitch, get your ass out of bed and go pick up YOUR DAUGHTER!!!! IM TIRED OF HELPING YOUUUUUUUU!

I hope you keep all that away from your girls ears.

 

[njpooldude]

I hope you keep all that away from your girls ears.

yes, i never talk like that, which is why i typed it. Kinda like, its been building, and building, and building... But, no.. i dont ever talk like that in front of her... im a nice guy , no really i am lol

 

[njpooldude]

I kind of blew up lastnight. My girlfrend and her mom had gotten into it again, about an hour before i read your thread... Sorry about that

Instead of your wife thinking she has to choose, try to explain to her its more about her sticking up for herself and not always running everytime her mother needs something... I know for me, i dont want my lady to never speak to her mother again ( not that id stop her ) but i know its her mom, and even though her mom has done ALOT of messed of stuff to her and her sisters.. bottom line its her mom...

Tell your wife, you would never make her choose between you and her mom, that will make her feel like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. THEN, explain How its kind of hard for you and her to have a LIFE TOGETHER when her mother is always ripping things apart...

My girls mom is seriously the same way man.. always making the older ones drive and pick up the younger ones.. ( helping out is cool, but MAKING THEM DO IT EVERY TIME IS NOT COOL) The younger sister (16) plays softball... she LOVES it.. Jenna, (my girl) and i have been to more games then the mother... she wont even pick her up after the game!!! It breaks my f'n heart to see these kids have no support.. im always texting them, asking how school went.. trying to make them laugh... The mom just thinks because she hooked up with a cop years ago and found them a place to live that she did her " job"

sorry, this is your thread not mine....

all i know is if you TRY YOUR HARDEST to keep your cool, and show support to your wife no matter how hard, she will love you like no other... women seem to be all about needing someone they can depend on... well, we all are really. Maybe, in a nice way, you can show her how she can depend on you always, but not her mother? But do it without saying " babe you can depend of me not your mom " lol.. Hope ya had fun plowin! we finally just got rid of the 3ft of snow..

 

[jim12]

Hey NJPOOLDUDE,

From the sounds of what your going through I think our MIL are related. Nice to know someone is as miserable as me. Misery likes company you know...
All kidding aside. I have had a lot of time to think since I have been plowing snow all weekend long and I think the thing that frustrates me more than anything is the constant laziness. I mean when I got home just now I have had been working an extra 27 hours of OT in three days. Not super bad but more stressful than anything (I ended up hitting a car that slid through and intersection and opened it like a can opener. Everyone was alright but geez)but anyway I should have been tired. Not her. She didnt do anything all weekend. In fact she doesnt do anything ever.

She just got her marijuana card now so I can only imagine how much worse it is going to get. No motivation before... Another thing that totally gets me and this is really where I draw the line is she now has this card and uses it to get the weed legally and then passes it on to her kids. They have enough going against them already. It has been this way for as long as I know. She has always given them drugs and alcohol and been the more or less a safe house for a bunch of losers. I truly dont know how my wife came out the way she has.

Today I finally had a little time to cool down about the situation and think. I also had lunch with my wife today after plowing and talked with her about it. I told her that I just dont understand and Im not sure that I will ever be able to because of who I am and also what I ultimately want to become. I know it is also HARD on her as well. I DONT HELP EITHER because of my thinking. She of course wants to help out her family every chance she can because she loves them. I totally understand that... but I dont think she is really helping them. I almost think she is encouraging the same bad lazy behavior. I kind of think of it like you giving a drunk a drink. NO one drink doesnt ever hurt anyone but it always makes you want more. If you are an alcoholic you know that you cant even have a sip or your going to go back to your old ways. Thats how I feel about it all. What is sad is when I was having lunch with my wife today she mentioned that she feels that when she helps her family that, that is the only thing that she has in common with them. She says she cant hold a conversation with any of them because they are going downhill and we are trying to reach the summit.

Well hopefully everyone sees and understands what is going through my mind a little bit. When I first wrote this thread it was because I was HOT; I really wanted to get this off my chest so I spilled it all on you. Sorry for that but it did help and I was able to revisit my thoughts and yours as well.

I just wish I could find a way through all of this. I try to think of what I would do if I were in her situation and I would probably tell my family to go to hell. Im kind of a hard ass i guess in those circumstances. I know everyone makes mistakes but to make the same ones over and over again I dont handle that. WHAT DO I DO? I know I have to try harder and not let it bother me but it doesnt seem to work so I am looking for another path. Not really sure where to go from here. I ll talk to my wife more about it tonight. (hopefully we wont fight about it but try to find some common ground) I know some of you all have been married a lot longer than I have so if you have any suggestions I am all ears and thanks again for listening to my ramblings.

 

[jim12]

So here is what I am going to try to do tonight as I only see this happening again and again and again between me and my wife. I am going to sit down and tell her what bothers me because this is what causes me to lose my mind. However how do you explain to your spouse that sometimes I dont know what will provoke my discontent? Anyhow I will tell her that and tell her that I cant just try to not let it bother me because I have done that already and it doesnt work. IT DOES BOTHER ME.

From there I tell her I dont know what the best course of action is. I think thats where I am lost. I dont have any lessons in my life thus far to go off of. I only care about happens between me an my wife. Thats why I have chose to spend my life with her. Not my parents or her mom. No one else.

After I let her know where I stand I guess I need to know what is bothering her. and I will constanly remind myself to shut up and listen.

Maybe from there we can try to find out a game plan of how to go about it.

What does everyone think? Some of you have probably dealt with things like this before. How have you found best to deal with problems/conflicts with your spouse?

 

[marilyn]

yes, i never talk like that, which is why i typed it. Kinda like, its been building, and building, and building... But, no.. i dont ever talk like that in front of her... im a nice guy , no really i am lol

yes, I see that...it sounds like you are in similar situations at the present time and things are about to blow....dont let it get out of control..stay in control.

Remember no matter how bad she is (MIL), its her mom, and she may resent your actions for years..so be careful....but Also, she does need to live her life without family problems and drama..peace

 

[marilyn]

So here is what I am going to try to do tonight as I only see this happening again and again and again between me and my wife. I am going to sit down and tell her what bothers me because this is what causes me to lose my mind. However how do you explain to your spouse that sometimes I dont know what will provoke my discontent? Anyhow I will tell her that and tell her that I cant just try to not let it bother me because I have done that already and it doesnt work. IT DOES BOTHER ME.

From there I tell her I dont know what the best course of action is. I think thats where I am lost. I dont have any lessons in my life thus far to go off of. I only care about happens between me an my wife. Thats why I have chose to spend my life with her. Not my parents or her mom. No one else.

After I let her know where I stand I guess I need to know what is bothering her. and I will constanly remind myself to shut up and listen.

Maybe from there we can try to find out a game plan of how to go about it.

What does everyone think? Some of you have probably dealt with things like this before. How have you found best to deal with problems/conflicts with your spouse?

yes this sounds much better and mature, and should go a long way to recovery..we hope..let us know.

 

[BIG EVIL42]

MIL from hell...yep, I have one of those.

I am in the same exact position with my MIL. It has gotten 10x worse since the passing of my girl's father and I am more than understanding of that. However, he was a very good buffer and kept her in check when she was getting rediculously out of control. We have no buffer now and she lives within 2 miles of us. Believe me, your wife knows her mom's flaws and her only normal reaction will be defensive. Through a whole lot of learning experiences I have really chosen when and how I pick my battles. If you feel very strongly about something just be very firm about your position, I usually use " Look, I rarely speak up and say no.... even when your mom is like this, but this is just too far. I feel that strongly about this, please don't make me be the one to explain this to your mother....I won't be able to be so polite." I used to make her mom look rediculous in my wife's eyes by asking our friends for their thoughts on hypathetical questions based on our situations with and just ask for comments. We would get things like, "How disable is this person, to bipolar and retardation questions".... Yes, I made my point but I could see afterwords how much it hurt her feelings. Things have gotten a lot better since I have emphasised the importance of our "immediate" household family and how it changes as adults. I don't expect her mom to be there in the middle of the night when any of us are sick or ask her to change her plans because we need a sitter. I am the one raising our child and any critism toward how I run my family, my career, and our futures are 100% off limits in my house. She is now understanding that we are making our own traditions and not carrying on the ones she made in the 1960's and 1970's. Holidays are rough but I try to hold most of the functions and make everyone feel welcome in MY home as long as they respect that. He mom was complaining as usual about Christmas and it was the usual broken record......."her this....her that....Me this....I want"... and my girl spent an hour trying to entertain her conversation until I had enough. I politely said that we obviously have different family values and priorities and everyone is entitle to an opinion. HOWEVER, Christmas in THIS family (as I point to us and our 3 year old) is about the kids and enjoying and loving each other. These are are plans for the holidays and we would love you to come over and share some of this with us.... ON OUR TIMELINE.....come over after 10 a.m. when we do our family and Santa thing. We are not running around all day to see people we see twice a year. If you would like to see your Grandson before christmas dinner you are welcome to come over after that. We are not dragging him around all day to everyones house so they can see him. We have an open door but we will be visiting the rest of the week if evryone would like to see us as much as we would love to see them. It seems to get my point across while still "killing them with kindness".
I know this is a lot of rambling but I just wanted to pass on a few stories of what has worked for me in becoming a better man for her. You gotta realize that you and your wife are THE TEAM and life is hard enough without always sweating the small stuff. Sometimes you gotta swallow your pride, turn the other cheek, and sometimes you gotta fight for what you believe. Family should not be a me v.s. you thing, I always call us the "home team" against the rest of the world. Damn, how I have changed over the years. Anyway, sorry for the rant. I hope something here was useful.

 

[njpooldude]

So here is what I am going to try to do tonight as I only see this happening again and again and again between me and my wife. I am going to sit down and tell her what bothers me because this is what causes me to lose my mind. However how do you explain to your spouse that sometimes I dont know what will provoke my discontent? Anyhow I will tell her that and tell her that I cant just try to not let it bother me because I have done that already and it doesnt work. IT DOES BOTHER ME.

From there I tell her I dont know what the best course of action is. I think thats where I am lost. I dont have any lessons in my life thus far to go off of. I only care about happens between me an my wife. Thats why I have chose to spend my life with her. Not my parents or her mom. No one else.

After I let her know where I stand I guess I need to know what is bothering her. and I will constanly remind myself to shut up and listen.
Maybe from there we can try to find out a game plan of how to go about it.

What does everyone think? Some of you have probably dealt with things like this before. How have you found best to deal with problems/conflicts with your spouse?

YES.. asking whats bothering her, and listening more then talking is most important... i think so anyway.

The fact your wife realizes she has nothing in common with her family and cannot hold a convo is VERY good on your end. She is seeing what your seeing.... Dont push her to change quickly.. she is probably heartbroken over the fact she doesnt have a "typical family" like some do.. ( we all have issues in family, but some are very close and loving) The more you push, the more pressure on her... Again, this is what ive done and its worked very well for me...just let it go... she is starting to realize it... Do you and your wife have kids? When jenna gets upset about her family, i just tell her one day we will have our own kids, and your going to be the best mother in the world. We will have the family youve always wanted... It cheers her up..

Pretty sick how your MIL gives the kids drugs... i grew up hanging out with kids like that.. and hungout in safe houses for losers lol.. so i know exactly what you mean. Even though i came form an awesome supportive family, i always felt more comfertable hanging with losers... and i quickly became an addict but thats a different topic

i guess like you said, just keep your cool and keep your ears open..Your wife knows the situation bothers you.. The other thing i just thought of is, if she feels that helping them is the only time she can relate with them it may be very hard for her to let it go... its like losing the only thing she has with her family. But i also agree 100% its "giving a drunk a drink" tough call man.....

Tell her this.. "If nothing changes, NOTHING changes" If she keeps feeding into the bs, the bs will always be there... I know it bothers you... it bothers me too, but when i get mad, it upsets my girl... and we know when the ladies are upset, its fucking over... then everyone in 5 mile span is gonna be in a shitty mood hahah.

Its YOUR happiness dude... dont LET her family take it from you. Its YOURS and you have a choice.. stay happy and focused on work and family... or let her famliy get to you and ruin everything.

keep us posted, sorry so long

 

[jim12]

YES.. asking whats bothering her, and listening more then talking is most important... i think so anyway.

The fact your wife realizes she has nothing in common with her family and cannot hold a convo is VERY good on your end. She is seeing what your seeing.... Dont push her to change quickly.. she is probably heartbroken over the fact she doesnt have a "typical family" like some do.. ( we all have issues in family, but some are very close and loving) The more you push, the more pressure on her... Again, this is what ive done and its worked very well for me...just let it go... she is starting to realize it... Do you and your wife have kids? When jenna gets upset about her family, i just tell her one day we will have our own kids, and your going to be the best mother in the world. We will have the family youve always wanted... It cheers her up..

Pretty sick how your MIL gives the kids drugs... i grew up hanging out with kids like that.. and hungout in safe houses for losers lol.. so i know exactly what you mean. Even though i came form an awesome supportive family, i always felt more comfertable hanging with losers... and i quickly became an addict but thats a different topic

i guess like you said, just keep your cool and keep your ears open..Your wife knows the situation bothers you.. The other thing i just thought of is, if she feels that helping them is the only time she can relate with them it may be very hard for her to let it go... its like losing the only thing she has with her family. But i also agree 100% its "giving a drunk a drink" tough call man.....

Tell her this.. "If nothing changes, NOTHING changes" If she keeps feeding into the bs, the bs will always be there... I know it bothers you... it bothers me too, but when i get mad, it upsets my girl... and we know when the ladies are upset, its fucking over... then everyone in 5 mile span is gonna be in a shitty mood hahah.

Its YOUR happiness dude... dont LET her family take it from you. Its YOURS and you have a choice.. stay happy and focused on work and family... or let her famliy get to you and ruin everything.

keep us posted, sorry so long

First off I want to say thanks to everyone that has chimed in. If nothing else it has helped me blow off a little steam talking with everyone and also getting some good advise from people too.

Well NJPOOLDUDE, my wife and I dont have any kids nor do we really plan on having anyway but I truly get your point and I think that will be a good way to bring that up. I think my wife does understand to a point that we/she cant keep feeding this behavior. I think she realizes if she breaks down and says enough is enough her family will essentially disown her. I know that weighs heavy in her heart. They are all that she has. She actually lost her dad to cancer almost 2 years ago. (Feb 29) Anyway I know that this has been on her mind lately as well.

I did briefly bring up the subject that we need to talk about this whole situation. She ended up getting a little defensive at first but I told her that it wont do us any good until we both drop the defensiveness. We talked about that a little bit and agreed to talk about it in the near future when we both have clear heads and calm. I think we may try to figure this all out this weekend when we get time together.

Once again thanks to everyone for listening.

 

[njpooldude]

keep us posted..

crzy you said "disown" her.. my girls mothers says that to them allll the time. Makes me furious... its abuse... i think it really is