Relationship (male and female point of view wanted)

[loganb_football]

So Im feeling pretty down this morning... I got off the phone with a girl who I had been seeing for about a month. We had worked together and had a relationship previously, but we met and started talking again. Well a month has gone by, and our whole conversation had started with her wanting to come to NC from Colorado (she is a travel nurse). She made it sound like our whole relationship was based on that trip, and I told her I wanted her to come but I was a little hesitant if its solely based on her making that decision.
So she's pissed because that NOT what she wanted to hear, but I felt like it needed to be said.

I should tell you all, before we started seeing each other I told her I think it's best that we take this as casual as possible until I get out of school (for the second time); and when you decide to get out of travel nursing. I knew from the beginning this probably wasn't going to be the case, because the first time we were together she got attached very quickly. Anyway she said that when she goes out Im on her mind, and its mutual on my end as well. So anyhow this argument we had turned into an ultimatum, and it was to basically commit or not. I told her I couldnt do that, but more so for her benefit. I care about her a lot, but she loves to go out, and I know if we were together she wouldnt go out and experience life which is her main reason for getting into travel nursing.

I go back and forth on whether this was really the best way to go about things. I dont know if we'll ever talk after this, and to be honest it almost makes me sick to my stomach. But I can't commit to a girl who lives so far away, and went into a job to travel the us and possibly internationally to experience the world. I just feel on my end that is so selfish, so I think things have ended this morning, and I dont really know what the future will hold for her and me. I just know I care about her enough to not be with her right now (I hope that makes sense after what I wrote). I don't have much money, and I can barely support myself. If we saw each other, it would be her travelling to see me all the time, and I just cant accept that. I can't accept seeing her give most of the effort because of my school, and work schedule. I just can't do that to her, and in a way while it hurts I think it is for the best, but what opinions do you all have?

 

[njpooldude]

well

You seem to be a legit, caring dude which is a great start.

you say the last time you got together she got attached very fast.. so in a way it IS your fault, but i know how we always HOPE thinsg will be different while at the same time we know they wont be lol.

Me personally, i think your doing the right thing. and when u do the right things, the right things will continue to happen... some call it Karma, i choose to call it "god"

everything always happens for a reason.

its also ok to feel sick to your stomach, once in a while ill think of a girl who i gave up, rather then commit to and i always wonder.. what if??

i couldnt be with someone who lived so far away, and traveled all over the place for work. it would be too hard.

i think if your HONEST with her, like u were with us... she will understand. and if she doesnt, its just "god" again showing u she isnt "the one"

cheer up brotha... there is by far NO SHORTAGE of cute females...
just remember u did the right thing, and things can only get better from here

can ya pm me her cell #??

just messin, take care!

 

[FordTurboDiesel]

I agree. I don't see where you did anything wrong. Timing is everything and you both need it at this point.
It's not good to put demands on one another either. That's no way to start a quality relationship.

Maybe you need to get stable, maybe she needs toget som things out of her system, who knows? It never hurts to wait though and see how it pans out.

Good luck.

 

[StoryOfTheYear]

Plain and simple, that's just how you feel! Sometimes people don't like what they here....that's just the reality of the situation! -StOrY

 

[Iceman1800]

I think you are being selfish and immature. You are making way too much of her wanting to come out and it seems like it is your way or the highway. Good luck finding ANY woman who will go along with that. I usually try to take the guy's side regardless but it seems like you are in for a lifetime of unhappiness if you set yourself up to be so rigid in order to begin a relationship

 

[Sal Paradise]

Based on what I got from yur post she wants to come out and if she does it seals the deal for her.

If so, it sounds like she is still trying to attach herself very quickly.

Given her line of work it may be something to give her comfort while she is on the road knowing she's got something secure at "home"

That doesn't mean she will stop going out and enjoying her life and she wants to regardless of the commitment she made to you.
That's not saying she would be unfaithful or anything like that.
It just seems that she would like that level of comfort and security of you being there while she goes out and does her "living"

I say this in all honesty because I did the exact same thing for a long time.

I recently decided if that's what I really want to do - go out and live my life and experience my things without my significant other - then I shouldn't be with someone who is dedicated to me and staying at home.

She can't have it both ways unless that's what you want too.


Maybe I missed something but it sounds like that may be the case and I say this because I can see the other side of it and had the same selfish notions that she has. I want it all - to be free to do what I want, go where I want, travel (its part of my job too) and then have the safe comforts of knowing someone is at 'home' waiting and loving me.

IT DON'T WORK THAT WAY.



Sal

 

[loganb_football]

I think you are being selfish and immature. You are making way too much of her wanting to come out and it seems like it is your way or the highway. Good luck finding ANY woman who will go along with that. I usually try to take the guy's side regardless but it seems like you are in for a lifetime of unhappiness if you set yourself up to be so rigid in order to begin a relationship

Whoa maybe I miss typed something or left something out somewhere to where you misunderstood, but I told her I wanted to see her, but Im hesitant because we will only have three days together. Anything can happen in these three days, and if thats what she is going to base our relationship on, you can see why im wary, yet not reluctant to wanting her here. Not to mention she has already mentioned wanting to be in a relationship with me.

Then the argument stemmed into how she thinks about me when she goes out, and doesn't really have any urge to go out because of me. Our first go around she said to me she wants to do travel nursing to experience the world. When we met again she implied the same thing. If im potentially the one who could hold her back why is that selfish?

Im not making a big deal about her coming to see me. I wanted her too, and still want her to. If things worked out and we started an official relationship where does this leave us? Phone conversations, emails, to infrequent direct contact? Her thinking of me, and all she has is a telephone? On top of that, being in school, and working a job that pays little money that barely gets me by in my life. Not to mention a hectic schedule, that gives us 20 minute (sometimes an hour) telephone conversations. I can't offer anything but instability, and im very concerned about that with a person who would want to commit. Who could last in a relationship like that? I've witnessed several relationships that were long distance, most if not all were better than mine in regards to timing, and yet all except one failed, and that was more of a temporary long distance relationship of maybe 2 months. Who's to say mine will be different? If I were out of school, Im sure this thread wouldn't have been started and things would be different.

Sorry if I may have taken your words in the wrong way. Im getting a little defensive in the fact that you are calling me selfish and immature, when I feel like I have considered her the most in this decision, and as you have read I have also taken my thoughts into consideration as well, but I have taken them as little as possible. In general this decision affects us both.

 

[loganb_football]

I also appreciate everyone's point of view. My main reason for this topic was really to be able to talk to people about this. My action's have already taken place and there's nothing I can do about it. I have tried to call her, and talk with her about it, but she is not answering. I know she is upset, and so am I.

 

[ldog40]

I think you are being selfish and immature. You are making way too much of her wanting to come out and it seems like it is your way or the highway. Good luck finding ANY woman who will go along with that. I usually try to take the guy's side regardless but it seems like you are in for a lifetime of unhappiness if you set yourself up to be so rigid in order to begin a relationship

Even if you disagree, this response was way out of line and quite nasty.

I, personally, feel that you did the right thing loganb. You actually put her before yourself and weighed the consequences before leaping into a situation, headlong. You were also open and honest about your feelings. Too often, people lie and cover up or deny their true thoughts and feelings for a relationship and that is a habit noone should ever get into. YOU define your relationship, never let the relationship define you.

 

[Designbuilt]

So Im feeling pretty down this morning... I got off the phone with a girl who I had been seeing for about a month. We had worked together and had a relationship previously, but we met and started talking again. Well a month has gone by, and our whole conversation had started with her wanting to come to NC from Colorado (she is a travel nurse). She made it sound like our whole relationship was based on that trip, and I told her I wanted her to come but I was a little hesitant if its solely based on her making that decision.
So she's pissed because that NOT what she wanted to hear, but I felt like it needed to be said.

I should tell you all, before we started seeing each other I told her I think it's best that we take this as casual as possible until I get out of school (for the second time); and when you decide to get out of travel nursing. I knew from the beginning this probably wasn't going to be the case, because the first time we were together she got attached very quickly. Anyway she said that when she goes out Im on her mind, and its mutual on my end as well. So anyhow this argument we had turned into an ultimatum, and it was to basically commit or not. I told her I couldnt do that, but more so for her benefit. I care about her a lot, but she loves to go out, and I know if we were together she wouldnt go out and experience life which is her main reason for getting into travel nursing.

I go back and forth on whether this was really the best way to go about things. I dont know if we'll ever talk after this, and to be honest it almost makes me sick to my stomach. But I can't commit to a girl who lives so far away, and went into a job to travel the us and possibly internationally to experience the world. I just feel on my end that is so selfish, so I think things have ended this morning, and I dont really know what the future will hold for her and me. I just know I care about her enough to not be with her right now (I hope that makes sense after what I wrote). I don't have much money, and I can barely support myself. If we saw each other, it would be her travelling to see me all the time, and I just cant accept that. I can't accept seeing her give most of the effort because of my school, and work schedule. I just can't do that to her, and in a way while it hurts I think it is for the best, but what opinions do you all have?

HOLY COW!! That sounds a lot like my little brother's Ex-gf, and she's from Colorado. Is she Korean by any chance? Anyway, exact same situation, he let her go btw, He said that she was too selfish.

In his situation, she didn't trust him when he went on vacation, wanted to go with him every single time, yet she was all over the place. She is kind of nuts, she had transcripts sent to his office, (hand written) of all the text messages ever between the two of them, it was bizzare, I feel creeped out repeating it.

Not to hi-jack, or change the subject, as a bit of advice. She should wait, Don't EVER let a woman rush you into ANYTHING, EVER! Fuck that shit! If you do you WILL REGRET IT! Trust me, and it's from experience, Never ever feel bad about your decision either.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Don't EVER let a woman rush you into ANYTHING, EVER! Fuck that shit! If you do you WILL REGRET IT! Trust me, and it's from experience, Never ever feel bad about your decision either.

Bullseye on this one! And believe me, you WILL regret it. It's called "creating a sense of urgency". It's actually an old sales tactic. The rest of your life is not urgent at this moment. Now if you were on a highway with an 18-wheeler speeding towards you... okay. That's urgent!

 

[loganb_football]

Thanks everyone for your posts!

Design, no she's not Korean lol but to be on the safe side I will never date a korean in Colorado...

She finally called me today, and we talked it over. I think a lot of things got sorted out and while she was still mad on the phone, I think we agreed not to rush things, and stay casual. She just texted me about 10 minutes ago, saying she felt a lot better about our situation. So all in all its been a damn rough day, but it turned out ok in the end. Im happy with the end result, and hopefully won't be starting another thread like this any time soon.

OTH, I think you switched this to the counceling forum. Thank you for doing that, I realised after I posted it that it was in the wrong forum. If it wasn't you thanks to the MOD that did it.

 

[Sal Paradise]

Glad to hear things seem be on a slower and more sensible path.

Good luck in love...



Sal