Relationship with my father..... Give up or keep trying?

[Meathamer]

Hello-
I'm sure thee are a few of you who out there are in same boat on this one as well...

I grew up as many did in a troubled family with hardships that lead ur parents to split up and divorce. Well after the divorce my father took out his pain and anger on my brother and I for why my mother left. I won't go into detail as to what we went through but I will tell u it made my heart cold and angry most of the time. As yrs went by my father found another women and he tried to make up for what he had done but he soon gave up when all his attention turned to this new women in his life. I was truely happy for him that he found what he needed. Well as yrs went by I developed a drug problem which what I thought was at the time my release from the past. I got so bad I lost everything cuz I was weak and let it take control of me...... I hurt everyone in my family something I never wanted to do! My father dis-owned me in 98 from the drug use and we have not had any relationship since then. Now fast forward ...... I have been clean since 2006...... I went back to school and became a respectable person and hold a job that many would not think I could or would (EMS) ....I share my past addictions with people I treat and see every day...... Since all this I have tried to have a relationship with my father and show him I forgive him for his past and show him I am a new person. I have made so many tries to do this but there is no breaking the ice or even a effort on his part. Everyone tells me to give up and it's his lose..... But in my mind he is still my father and yes even after what he did I do love this man. ......so I guess I'm asking what do u guys and gals think and would love to hear ur input!! Thanks for listening ......

 

[Amazon Doll]

The guy was a jerk to you when you were growing up and he is still a jerk today. There are great wonderful and loving people out there in the world. Go find them and let them into your life and keep out the losers.

 

[Pheedno]

Take love out of it, brother. In the final analysis, you're going to have much more peace with yourself if you honor the role of parent.
He may have been a total shit, and in all intellectual honesty, you may have been at one time, too. Disregarding his lack of empathy and introspection, you will have a happier life in being the person who owned his role and followed through with his responsibility of honoring the parent.
It may not be fun, it may not be what your feelings want at times, but ultimately you'll have a richer life by being that man.

 

[Meathamer]

The guy was a jerk to you when you were growing up and he is still a jerk today. There are great wonderful and loving people out there in the world. Go find them and let them into your life and keep out the losers.

Yes ur so right amazon..... Thank you for the input

 

[Meathamer]

Take love out of it, brother. In the final analysis, you're going to have much more peace with yourself if you honor the role of parent.
He may have been a total shit, and in all intellectual honesty, you may have been at one time, too. Disregarding his lack of empathy and introspection, you will have a happier life in being the person who owned his role and followed through with his responsibility of honoring the parent.
It may not be fun, it may not be what your feelings want at times, but ultimately you'll have a richer life by being that man.

You are so right...... Thank you so much

 

[thebrick]

A good relationship takes two good people. We have one in this picture and that is you. As Doll said, surround yourself with supportive friends. You have pulled yourself up from a bad place. Take pride in that and take peace knowing you extended your hand. Your real family does not have to be blood.

 

[liftalot79]

This is what they told me when I got clean.....

Some people will never trust you again, you have to stay clean for you. Shit it will be over 4yrs for me and some family members still hold their purses tight around me, even though I have enough money to cover their mortgage for years...But that doesn't matter once a Piece of S##* always a Piece of S@#$ anyway good for you bro.

Remember your no go to anyone even yourself when your not clean!!!!

 

[Meathamer]

A good relationship takes two good people. We have one in this picture and that is you. As Doll said, surround yourself with supportive friends. You have pulled yourself up from a bad place. Take pride in that and take peace knowing you extended your hand. Your real family does not have to be blood.

Thank you for the kind words...... My mother can once again say she is proud of me and I have my brother and his kids who look up to me...... True family does not always have to be blood...... True friends are just as good..... Thanks again

 

[Meathamer]

Some people will never trust you again, you have to stay clean for you. Shit it will be over 4yrs for me and some family members still hold their purses tight around me, even though I have enough money to cover their mortgage for years...But that doesn't matter once a Piece of S##* always a Piece of S@#$ anyway good for you bro.

Remember your no go to anyone even yourself when your not clean!!!!

Brother sounds like we have seen the same things and hit the same bottom..... Yes so true I do still have family that once a drug addict ....always one ( but this is true cuz every day is a struggle) no matter how much I've changed people still judge...... I have people I use to drug with and tell them what I do now and they think I am full of shit ..... Till I pull out my lic and show them then they stop flapping lol! All and all we should both be very proud of ourselves for what we have over come. Sometimes in our darkest times...... There is a light.......peace and much respect my friend!!!

 

[ledbetter]

I'm usually just a reader here but you and I have a similar story. Ten years or so removed from my situation I can only share this with you. You only get one dad, and when he's gone that's it. Just because someone gave up on you that doesn't mean you automatically give up on them. Talk to him from the heart, if you love him then tell him and stay on that high road. His response and actions are on his shoulders. Ask yourself this question " if Dad died today, would I be content in my efforts to better our relationship?" Hopefully my experience can help you out here because for me it was less about him as father, more about me as a man. Good luck brother.

- led

 

[BillHilton]

We have very similar stories -- they diverge at some points, but the generalities are the same.

My father hated his own family. He got off on humiliation and belittling.

My advice to you is realize that you cannot make someone else do or think anything. You did what you could. Your father is hypocrite -- which is worse a young person (who had lived in hell for a awhile) doing drugs, or a grown man so immature that he fucked you over when you had no power to stop it.
But it doesn't matter.

At some point we realize our parents are just like everyone else. What matters now is you and your future, I hope, family. The most important thing you can do is break the chain. You know how not to parent. Be a loving Dad.

This may go against the advice of some, but stop calling yourself a former addict. Start calling yourself a successful, hard working, care giving, EMT. That is what you are. Depending on how old you are, 4 years might be a big % of your life ago.

I am a Dad of four now. Your father is missing out due to his choices. You don't need a daddy now. You do need solid supportive people in your life. But these people may or may not be family.

Do not dwell on your issues with the past. You take time away from making your future happen. It is bad when shit happens to you when you are young and innocent. Do not give the evil a second victory by allowing it to come back and mess with you again later.

Always remember that you are 100% responsible for what you do.

 

[pesty4077]

Unfornuately, there might never be that bond. I was never close to my father, for personal reasons. When I was 30, he started to get sick and wanted me to see him. He evidentually died 3 years later and I never went to see him. He was a horrible father, but my life went on without him.

A Parent is a full time and not part time job. I learn from it, some harbor hate. The good news is, I became a good father to my children.

 

[triathloncoach]

My Advice

I would leave him an open invitation to communicate with you whenever he chooses, because it sound like you wish to have some sort of relationship with him. After you communicate that invitation you forget about him until he contacts you.

My parents are both horrible people and I've been estranged from them on and off for the past 25 years. Whenever I have let them back into my life I get overwhelmed with anger and their negativity. And my parents and I are not addicts and we each have at least one graduate degree. So it's not money or drugs. Its brain chemistry issues.

My current separation has been for the past 9 years. My kids have never seen their grand parents. And I have no parents. It breaks my heart. But my heart aches because I wish I had a loving and supportive family. But I never did, and letting my parents back into my life will just cause me, my wife and my kids grief. It sucks, but seeing them sucks more.

"You want it to be this way, but it's that way"

 

[SOCOM]

Give up. Move on, because life goes on...

 

[JuiceRoad.com]

The guy was a jerk to you when you were growing up and he is still a jerk today. There are great wonderful and loving people out there in the world. Go find them and let them into your life and keep out the losers.

Can they replace your father?

He is still your father and i think you should be responsive to him if he choose to communicate.

He needs you and its love which can change alot.

 

[babyface4life]

Dad problems

Hello-
I'm sure thee are a few of you who out there are in same boat on this one as well...

I grew up as many did in a troubled family with hardships that lead ur parents to split up and divorce. Well after the divorce my father took out his pain and anger on my brother and I for why my mother left. I won't go into detail as to what we went through but I will tell u it made my heart cold and angry most of the time. As yrs went by my father found another women and he tried to make up for what he had done but he soon gave up when all his attention turned to this new women in his life. I was truly happy for him that he found what he needed. Well as yrs went by I developed a drug problem which what I thought was at the time my release from the past. I got so bad I lost everything cuz I was weak and let it take control of me...... I hurt everyone in my family something I never wanted to do! My father dis-owned me in 98 from the drug use and we have not had any relationship since then. Now fast forward ...... I have been clean since 2006...... I went back to school and became a respectable person and hold a job that many would not think I could or would (EMS) ....I share my past addictions with people I treat and see every day...... Since all this I have tried to have a relationship with my father and show him I forgive him for his past and show him I am a new person. I have made so many tries to do this but there is no breaking the ice or even a effort on his part. Everyone tells me to give up and it's his lose..... But in my mind he is still my father and yes even after what he did I do love this man. ......so I guess I'm asking what do u guys and gals think and would love to hear ur input!! Thanks for listening ......

Even though I can't really relate to your problem , I can certainly sympathize with you because of people I have known throughout my life that were in a similar situation. I know of a female co-worker who has a dad that was bi- polar growing up . She and the other siblings described him as a waste of sperm , and that's putting it nicely from what she said. Every so often he calls to ask for money and she tells him to fuck off . Luckily , her stepdad she describes as a really cool person along with her mom. I really hope your dad comes around , or as the other members have suggested to find other people to develop a meaningful relationship with that can bring joy to your life.

 

[UKMainMan]

Make a choice and don't regret the choice you make. I've lost count how many times i have went against my gut feeling and regretted it.

I've seen many people turn into their fathers even though they despised him, watch out for that cos it creeps right up on you.

Nobody but you can decide whats right, if your happy with your life the way it is then don't tempt fate to come on in and fuck it up.

Good luck!

 

[Nssca]

edited

 

[K1]

You never give up, no matter what! Regardless of what he has done and/or will continue to do, he is your father and without him you would not be here...Never forget your parents, (whether you've been treated great or badly), you would not be the person you are today without them.....

 

[Acadian]

Wow, lots of different takes on this situation...First of all, my sincere congratulations of getting and remaining clean...As far as your Dad, it is clear by your numerous attempts at extending the olive branch that your goal is to re-establish a relationship with him. As long as he knows that that is your intent, you have handled this appropriately and put the ball in his court. Unfortunately you cannot control his handling of this situation, but take comfort in that you have done all YOU can do. Now, it is time to let him decide what he does with the ball, and there is no timetable...By all means, send him a birthday and/or Christmas card and in it express that you love him. But let the phone call or visit be initiated by him...In the meantime, pray that whatever is in his heart that has up until this point kept him from you dissapates; much as that resentment you once felt for him did enough for you to try to reconnect.