relationships and sexual issues

[phreak]

this is really difficult for me to type, as i am a very private person who prefers to internalize most of my issues/feelings. but the relative anonymity i have on this site makes it easier for me to spill my guts... hopefully an outsider's perspective will help me figure out what is going on with me.

in every relationship i have ever been in i have always grown tired of having sex with my girlfriend. no matter how much i think i love them, i just get sick and tired of their bodies and the sex we have. even if we try to spice it up a bit the situation doesn't improve. eventually i can't even get an erection; you can imagine what this does to them when the man they love cannot get excited at the thought of having sex with them. this would hurt anyones feelings.

i find myself picking out one or two flaws in their physiques and obsessing over them. i am so hypercritical of my own physique that i think it extends to my significant other's as well.

before i know it i'm looking at other women, talking to them, even cheating on my girlfriend. this causes me an enormous amount of guilt. not only because my actions, but because of the pain i know i am causing my girlfriend.

this happened with my girlfriend in high school, in college, and in both of the long term relationships i have had since getting out of school.

i have been with my current girlfirend for almost 5 years. we were together for three and living together, when these problems started to arise (as they always do). this led to us breaking up for almost a year. then we got back together and everything was great for a while, until it started happening again.

i LOVE this woman. i love being with her, talking to her, experiencing things with her. she is supportive of me in every regard. she is smart, funny, down to earth, career oriented, everything. and like i said, in the beginning the sex is great, but it always wanes after a while for me.

and it's weird because emotionally i feel like i am truly in love with her, but intellectually i am telling myself that if i really was then i wouldn't grow tired of sex with her. this leads me to believe that i must not be in love with her.

i know this- it hurts me to hurt her. if anyone ever tried to harm her i would kill them.

and what's even stranger is that in all my relationships, the only thing that brings back my sexual interest is when we break up. it's like the idea of not having them attracts me to them sexually. completely fucked up i know. and once i see that i can have them again i liose my interest. it's the same pattern of behavior every time. it's really childish.

so i have several things tugging at me inside. one the one hand i fell like if i truly love someone then that should be enough to have a healthy, active sex life. on the other hand i feel like i don't always want to "make love", i want to FUCK. and i need a hot piece of ass to FUCK. if i am not visually stimulated i cannot get off. i'm a man for fux sake. sometimes i just want to fuck a dirty slut (i.e. not my girlfriend) to satisfy these urges, but i know it is wrong to betray someone i am supposed to be comitted to. but sometimes i do it anyway.

this makes me feel powerless and ashamed and causes me even more guilt. guilt at the pain i am causing others also adds to my stress.

as you can imagine none of these things will make for a healthy sex life.

i feel like a very shallow, insecure person. i feel as a 32 year old man i should be mature enough to have a healthy adult relationship. and most of all i am almost completley overwhelmed by the guilt i feel for the damaged women i am leaving in my wake. i also feel scared that i am going to be alone for the rest of my life because i cannot give 100% to a relationship. and i feel even more guilt because i know my fear is a selfish one.

i feel like on a lot of levels i have a cold, empty soul. the scariest part is that most of the time i don't give a fuck. the only time it bothers me is when i see others hurt by my actions.

i feel like i need to tell my girlfriend to get as far away from me as possible, that she is only going to end up hurt by me, but me fear of being alone and the pain it will cause her always stops me short of saying it. and instead only more hurtful things come out of my mouth.

it's completely fucked and i don't know where to begin to fix things with myself.

maybe i am incapable of loving anyone other than myself.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

maybe i am incapable of loving anyone other than myself.

Halfway through, I thought this but I'm glad you said it. I hope you realize that what you're saying is pretty much in the "of course, duh!" category. Of course you need stimulated. Of course it's better when you don't have "permission". You need to feel that you are taking something. Once it's freely given to you, it loses it's appeal. Two things have to change here... You AND her. You need to stop spending your life in a state of guilt from sleeping around and you need break this chain of never-ending relationships. I think it's important that you explain this to her just as you did here. Why are you telling us? You already know what and where the problem lies. Trust me, woman are usually pretty good at learning the specific ways to turn you on. Like pushing you away for instance. Let me guess... you want her more the moment she says she can't for one reason or another (late for work, not in the mood, etc.) right? Sometimes the challenge and pursuit of sex is just as exciting as the sex itself. I think since the beginning of time, men have probably been trying to get wmen to do things they don't want to do or things they would never even dream of.

If you want to sleep around, let this girl find a guy who will love her and be faihful and you go do your thing. Otherwise you have some big changes to make, both in yourself and in your relationship, huh?. Can it be done? ABSOLUTELY!

I'll wait to see what some of the other members give you before I say anything further...

 

[phreak]

thanks for the reply ouch

i should clarify that i have never cheated on my current girlfriend. i messed around a little when we were broken up, but i have never slept with anyone else while we were/are actively involved.

but i have done it in all my past relationships... and those experiences make me feel like i could do it again, which in turn makes me feel kind of a "premptive" guilt. it's the thoughts that are bothering me.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Okay. But still remember, faithfulness is also a state of mind. If you are 'unfaithful' in your mind, doesn't it seem to have the same effect on your conscience? It's not preemptive guilt - there is no such thing. You just feel guilt. Many times people make posts and then after I give some advice they many times feel the need to clarify this or that. You don't need to. It's okay, I get it. No clarification necessary.

You're not a monster or have some strange malfunction. You just need to be honest with the girl. Otherwise, she's pretty much making a fool out of herself. You said you care for her so why do this? You know this path only leads to infidelity and then it's a big problem. Take steps to fix it now or don't... easy.

SIMPLIFY!

You are doing what I see so many guys worry about - that their girl isn't interested or just waiting for something better to come along, being unfaithful, etc.

 

[terryd5150]

Man, if you hadn't said you were a guy I would swear you were my last girlfriend.


Not to make light of your situation, but I wanted you to know there are others that feel the same way you do/have the same tendencies.

I've talked with my ex on several occasions, and I've come to believe that based on things that had happened to her in her past that she has issues getting close to someone and if you looked at how she reacts to the world around her (not just romantic relationships) it would certainly suggest it to be true.

Maybe some of those things may have happened to you?

I, too, will withold my opinions here, but I do suggest maybe talking with a qualified professional in your area.

 

[hughesy]

I agree with what Ouch and Terry said

I like Terry had an ex with the same issues. And I have a questions for ya. How is your self-esteem???? My ex had a very low self-esteem and always had to prove to herself that she could attract different guys. This could be part of your problem with loosing interest in sex. Like OTH said if its given freely you are no longer interested. And if you are so obsessed with your own looks that it "spills over" to picking your lady apart that also sounds like self-esteem issues. I would highly recommend seeking some counseling and speaking openly to you lady. Also there is a book that may help you understand yourself and your issues. Is It Love or Is It Addiction? - Second Edition -- by Brenda Schaeffer. You can get it from Amazon for 10 bucks. Its a very good book. I read it to understand my ex and her issues and why she did the things she did to me. And understand that it was not my fault but something in her.

 

[phreak]

thank you all for your responses

i already knew this was a problem with me; i guess i just needed to wriite it out and have others say "well... duh! m'fer" to slap me in the face with the obvious.

the bottom line is that i cannot continue these patterns; whether they be my line of thinking or my actions.

i have a beautiful, smart, empathetic, good hearted person in my life and i am no longer going to let my shortcomings sabotage things.

you all are right, these patterns are the patterns of an insecure little bitch, not a man. i need to start being a man when it comes to my relationships.

thank you all again- i really appreciate it. i will look into professional help and the book hughesy mentioned.