Serious FEAR of being alone!

[Sara]

Hello everyone!!
Ok so I only posted once before and for those who read it I blah blah blah about how my boyfriend and I broke up and I felt like nothing without him. Here I am 2 months later and I am still so confused! Everyone thinks that I am in a mentally abusive relationship. I feel like he always has a hold over me but he is in NO WAY possessive of me if that makes any sense at all. It's more like he never fully gives his full attention to me. His stunt bike or his fifty bike is always #1 I am there I sorta stay with him but he will sit on the computer for a while with his back to me. He never asks what would you like to do today. It's kinda like I'm a doll he drags around. He doesn't make me feel beautiful never compliments me or calls me sexy. He isn't a very sexual person so that drags me down too. BUT then he will be super nice to me or be cute to me to pull me back in whenever I find the strength to leave (although I never tell him)
I have always been strong minded but for the first time in my life I almost feel like I am under a spell. It's like I love our friendship and I love that we are always out and about doing fun stuff. but at the same time that's it he feels like a friend to me. I know I can do a thousand times better but I have a fear that noone will want me. Not only that I am so afraid to be alone!!! When I say this I mean I don't know what to do with myself!!! I know I need to break away and find alone time and figure out the things I like to do but as soon as I think about that I RUN to him!!! I run to his house and then just sit there and wish to myself I didnt go there. I don't know how to break away and if I really do I'm doing nothing about it although I keep telling friends and family I am trying. Everyone is just fed up about hearing about this. I've felt this way since JUNE!!!!
Not only that I just turned 30 all my friends are getting married and having babies I am staying at my 26yr old boyfriends fathers house. He is in NO rush to get married move out or even save money. I want to get my life on the road. As much as I know that there is NO future between us I STAY!!!
I dont know how to just do it, just break up and not look back!! I need to get there and I just FUCKING CANT! I wanna jump off a bridge or something I am sooo fed up with how Im feeling and moreso I am SO FED UP with my situation!!! One minute I am in love with him and I'll never find another and the next it's WTF am I doing!!!!!
Can someone please give me something here I am at agony with myself

 

[OuchThatHurts]

I remember your other post. How did you happen upon us here at ProfessionalMuscle? Are you a trainer, trainee, BBer, fitness, or whatever else? Is your boyfriend? Just curious how you found us here. In any case, welcome to the board and I'm glad you found us.

I thought strongmind was working with you. What happened? Last I read, you'd left him or at least I thought I read that. Hmmm... I'm getting old, forgive me. I'm going to give you my opinion here but I don't want you to listen to me emotionally. I want you to listen to me logically. I want to help but I may not say what you think you need to hear.

This may sting a bit. First, I don't want to hear any more of this "jumping off a bridge" bullshit. If you care as much as you do about improving your quality of life then you have no intention of putting an end to it now, do you? So let's end that talk right now, okay? Otherwise, I just have to refer you to your doctor and that pretty much puts an end to this. You're far to young to sound like the eternally unhappy, restless, disatisfied wife here. Get your head straight. You like being with him. You run back to him. You enjoy his company. Where did it get locked into your head that you have to leave him at all? He sucks in bed??? So far that's all I see. So he has hobbies and interests. Is it so bad that he has hobbies or is it so bad that you don't? Maybe you have lots of hobbies. I don't know.

Now you really need to think about some things here. Stop using your emotional brain and start using your logical brain. Think and MAKE A DECISION and stand by it! Do you realize what you're doing to yourself everytime you make a decision to do this or that and then buckle under the pressure and run back to your safety zone? You're just beating your self-esteem into the ground! You're reinforcing to yourself that you are weak when we both know that you are NOT. Okay, this won't take long. It's really just two questions:

a.) Do you like this guy and think you can be happy with him with some effort?

b.) Do you think you'll be happier alone or with someone else?

Forget what your friends, sisters, brothers, whatever say. Do YOU? Your friends and family probably hate him because all they hear is you complaining about him. Do you tell them what a great friend he is? That you enjoy being with him?

The answers to those two questions determine what you should do here. Read the questions, write them down, whatever, and then DO IT. I promise you this, nobody is going to do it for you. First of all, they can't, and second, how will you ever learn to make strong decisions and stick by them?

Because, let's face it Sara. That's the real issue here. That's what's needed - for YOU to make a decision, for better or worse, no matter what, and STAND BY IT come hell or high water. I think that is what you are really afraid of...