Should I leave

[Amino_man]

My wife of 15 years has been getting mean to my 16 yr old son for the past 5 years. He a really good kid and I don't understand it. She seems to nit pick at things I don't even notice and she remembers things he did months ago like he's playing me or something and she feels the need to constantly bring that stuff up.

Again, he really is a good kid. I don't see him as the type who would be on a 2 month long conspiracy, yet she brings things up from way back then and trys to get me mad at him about them when something else comes up.

I feel that I am very stern with him when I have to be and I think I'm a great father and husband but I just don't have the same views as my wife when it comes to handing out the punishments.

I feel she is going to make my son feel like he would rather not visit when he is out on his own because of her and I am on major anti-depressants and anxiety meds because of this.

I feel like she is also always sabotaging my diets and she does not share my goals in wanting to be my best, striated and all.

What should I do?

 

[Spideydoc]

I don't know that anyone on here can tell you whether or not you should leave your wife...and if they do I would consider their advice suspect to say the least. Have you sat down and talked to your wife about these things? If not that is definitely something to try.

The choice whether to leave or not is completely yours but leaving will most likely only worsen her treatment of your son b/c you won't be around to balance it out. It sounds like she could be going through some things on her own that she hasn't let you in on, so it may do some good to ask what's going on with her. See if there is anything she needs to get off of her chest.

I know for myself, I have been married for 9 years now and I considered a divorce once. We were on completely different fields at that point. And honestly, leaving would be the easiest thing at least the quickest fix. However, we have 3 kids and that kept me from just walking away when I felt like it. Then the more I thought and talked to people about it I realized that I was a major part of the problem. It wasn't things that I was doing, but it was the fact that I had been trying to be the same man she married 9 years earlier when I was definitely not. We all change over time, some for better and some for the worse...but I was trying not to let me wife know about those changes b/c I knew that some of them she wouldn't agree with. I decided that she had given me 9 years and 3 wonderful kiddos and that she deserved, at the very least, every effort I had to try and make this work. And if it didn't work after that I knew I could walk away with my head held high knowing that I tried as hard as I could.

And amazingly, things worked out. It was rough at first, especially after I decided to be completely transparent with her (which she wasn't a fan of at all at first), but things got better. And our relationship is better now than it has ever been.

I know this doesn't apply to your particular situation in any other way than the fact that we were both considering leaving at one point. But I would encourage you not to make any decisions hastily. I am sure that things have been going on for a very long time and only you can decide if your marriage is worth fighting for. Think about your son but also think about your happiness.

My advice would be to try as hard as you can to make this thing work but don't try forever. Some things you just can't make right no matter how much you want to.

 

[Amino_man]

I have tried working this relationship out for the past five years. I have tried being my families own shrink between my son (from another marriage) and my wife.

My now wife, has been in my son's life since he was 3.5 yrs old. She has always brought up the fact that she has an issue being second in my life because she said that once the children were gone that she will be the one standing by my side.

I tried to explain to her that she will be first in my life once my son is on his own but it's never been accepted by her as an "acceptable answer."

I think she does not see my son as mine. She see's him as the other woman's filth. It's how she treats him is why I say this. I go deep into conversation with her when ever he is with his mom.

She has a upbringing of a very protective father who ended up committing suicide and a mother who ended up with a local stud/drunk who always gave her the creeps.

Me being open to my most sacred feelings to her, has my wife feeling as if I'm not the "rugged man" that she covets, who can cut down a tree with a large bear in it, wrestle it to its death and make fire wood out of the tree.

She thinks that even though my past has landed me in jail for drug dealing and fighting that I'm still too soft for her.

Once she knew I wouldn't hit her during an argument she changed for the worse. After 5 years of trying and another 5 years of just letting things go her way, I don't know how to get our relationship back on track.

We would rather be in different rooms, regardless if it's "New Years Eve" or Friday evening after dinner. We are totally different people. I like to enjoy the life of a fit person with a good diet and the bells and whistles it comes with. She's happy being the fast food / home cooked super high cal in butter, cheese, and grease junkie.

She needs ice cream every night after dinner rather than once a week and she has grown to almost twice her weight since we met.

I don't think that "until death do us part" figured in weight gain of that magnitude. Back when we were dating I never seen us going the distance. It was my wife who asked me what it would take to marry her and since she was "somewhat" willing to help me with my son I gave her some "attainable things" that she could do.

It started with getting under a particular weight (she took this as a temporary goal) and I believed that she was willing to change the way she lived (for the better) with me.

Little did I know that it would only be 3 beautiful years of our marriage before it would all come back and then another 50lbs more.

So with our marriage / the rest of our lives "sealed" she only gave me 3 good years of happiness before She was back to the person that I never seen myself with for more than a few months or year at most.

Now not only did I tell myself that I cannot be shallow and that I have to look past this but I also have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

Than to make things worse, she became comfortable in our marriage since I would always use her as the middle man between my ex wife and me since she was very possessive.

I always felt it was quite and just let her have some type of involvement since I felt the need to show her that she was my choice over my ex wife so to make a long story short she kept gaining weight and started to have a very "over bearing" opinion on how I was raising my son.


Things got out of hand when she would not listen to my feelings on how my son should be disciplined and when he should go to bed and when he should do his chores.

She would always point out little things that were over looked during me and my sons bonding time or when ever my son and I would have a bonding conversation. She always must have felt jealous or something and would make him go do some chores.

Now in regards to our marriage, I thought that maybe I would "cut her off from sex" to see if she would notice that if she treated me and my son like this that I didn't need her for the "bells & whistles" of our marriage.

Well not only did she take the 2.5 months in stride (like we just had sex last night) but she also said after blowing me that she was surprised that I waited so long to ask for sex, then she finished off her point by just blowing me for another 2 months before asking for regular sex!!! :sl;eping-

I have tried and tried to get through to this woman and I end up always having to be the one popping the anit-depression pills and anxiety pills. I'm the one who is unhappy as well as my son and she is fine with the way things are.

Not only do I feel beaten in our relationship but she is also punking me as a father. She has no idea of the amount of blood that I shed before I met her.

She is the reason that I changed for the better and I always credit that to her but she takes all this too far and uses it against me for some reason.

I have a financial bond with her as well. I make all the money and she keeps us just on the brink of bankruptcy. If I leave, I will not be able to survive with just my income. Most everything she has wanted is in my name and she does the bills so yes, we have already filled for bankruptcy about 3 years ago so if I leave now, everything is in my name and she will skip away debt free.

I have taken a copy of my wife's spreadsheet with our bills and to the penny, she has us in just enough debt that if she lost her job I would just be able to pay all the bills and gas both cars with not even a penny left over for going out for dinner and a movie.

My only outlet to all this unhappiness is going to the basement and working out. Every day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. My motivation has always been to not be like my wife in life as a person and in my sole as a good person. My iPod has helped me weather 5 years of unhappiness and frustration.

I'm very passionate about the bodybuilding way of life and I feel that it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I love the dieting and the way that I can see my body changing for the better by the week!! I have great respect and I envy all the bodybuilders in the world who have obtained a phsyque of having veins popping out on their legs!

It's my life long goal to get that striated and dry to once be seen as one of the elite. Although, I would throw it all away for me and my wife to be able to be in the same room as a family and have nothing but love to give to all three of us, my son my wife and me.

It sucks not being able to show affection to someone you married and are stuck with for the rest of your life.

 

[pesty4077]

I have tried working this relationship out for the past five years. I have tried being my families own shrink between my son (from another marriage) and my wife.

My now wife, has been in my son's life since he was 3.5 yrs old. She has always brought up the fact that she has an issue being second in my life because she said that once the children were gone that she will be the one standing by my side.

I tried to explain to her that she will be first in my life once my son is on his own but it's never been accepted by her as an "acceptable answer."

I think she does not see my son as mine. She see's him as the other woman's filth. It's how she treats him is why I say this. I go deep into conversation with her when ever he is with his mom.

She has a upbringing of a very protective father who ended up committing suicide and a mother who ended up with a local stud/drunk who always gave her the creeps.

Me being open to my most sacred feelings to her, has my wife feeling as if I'm not the "rugged man" that she covets, who can cut down a tree with a large bear in it, wrestle it to its death and make fire wood out of the tree.

She thinks that even though my past has landed me in jail for drug dealing and fighting that I'm still too soft for her.

Once she knew I wouldn't hit her during an argument she changed for the worse. After 5 years of trying and another 5 years of just letting things go her way, I don't know how to get our relationship back on track.

We would rather be in different rooms, regardless if it's "New Years Eve" or Friday evening after dinner. We are totally different people. I like to enjoy the life of a fit person with a good diet and the bells and whistles it comes with. She's happy being the fast food / home cooked super high cal in butter, cheese, and grease junkie.

She needs ice cream every night after dinner rather than once a week and she has grown to almost twice her weight since we met.

I don't think that "until death do us part" figured in weight gain of that magnitude. Back when we were dating I never seen us going the distance. It was my wife who asked me what it would take to marry her and since she was "somewhat" willing to help me with my son I gave her some "attainable things" that she could do.

It started with getting under a particular weight (she took this as a temporary goal) and I believed that she was willing to change the way she lived (for the better) with me.

Little did I know that it would only be 3 beautiful years of our marriage before it would all come back and then another 50lbs more.

So with our marriage / the rest of our lives "sealed" she only gave me 3 good years of happiness before She was back to the person that I never seen myself with for more than a few months or year at most.

Now not only did I tell myself that I cannot be shallow and that I have to look past this but I also have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

Than to make things worse, she became comfortable in our marriage since I would always use her as the middle man between my ex wife and me since she was very possessive.

I always felt it was quite and just let her have some type of involvement since I felt the need to show her that she was my choice over my ex wife so to make a long story short she kept gaining weight and started to have a very "over bearing" opinion on how I was raising my son.


Things got out of hand when she would not listen to my feelings on how my son should be disciplined and when he should go to bed and when he should do his chores.

She would always point out little things that were over looked during me and my sons bonding time or when ever my son and I would have a bonding conversation. She always must have felt jealous or something and would make him go do some chores.

Now in regards to our marriage, I thought that maybe I would "cut her off from sex" to see if she would notice that if she treated me and my son like this that I didn't need her for the "bells & whistles" of our marriage.

Well not only did she take the 2.5 months in stride (like we just had sex last night) but she also said after blowing me that she was surprised that I waited so long to ask for sex, then she finished off her point by just blowing me for another 2 months before asking for regular sex!!! :sl;eping-

I have tried and tried to get through to this woman and I end up always having to be the one popping the anit-depression pills and anxiety pills. I'm the one who is unhappy as well as my son and she is fine with the way things are.

Not only do I feel beaten in our relationship but she is also punking me as a father. She has no idea of the amount of blood that I shed before I met her.

She is the reason that I changed for the better and I always credit that to her but she takes all this too far and uses it against me for some reason.

I have a financial bond with her as well. I make all the money and she keeps us just on the brink of bankruptcy. If I leave, I will not be able to survive with just my income. Most everything she has wanted is in my name and she does the bills so yes, we have already filled for bankruptcy about 3 years ago so if I leave now, everything is in my name and she will skip away debt free.

I have taken a copy of my wife's spreadsheet with our bills and to the penny, she has us in just enough debt that if she lost her job I would just be able to pay all the bills and gas both cars with not even a penny left over for going out for dinner and a movie.

My only outlet to all this unhappiness is going to the basement and working out. Every day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. My motivation has always been to not be like my wife in life as a person and in my sole as a good person. My iPod has helped me weather 5 years of unhappiness and frustration.

I'm very passionate about the bodybuilding way of life and I feel that it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I love the dieting and the way that I can see my body changing for the better by the week!! I have great respect and I envy all the bodybuilders in the world who have obtained a phsyque of having veins popping out on their legs!

It's my life long goal to get that striated and dry to once be seen as one of the elite. Although, I would throw it all away for me and my wife to be able to be in the same room as a family and have nothing but love to give to all three of us, my son my wife and me.

It sucks not being able to show affection to someone you married and are stuck with for the rest of your life.

Taking a bunch of pills is not going to eliminate your problem, you have to face your problems. I admire the fact you are sticking to your marriage, but it sounds horrible. Let me tell you from experience, I lived in foster homes up to 13 years old, during that time my father remarriaged and had 6 kids. He decides to come for me and my older brother and be the father he never was. My stepmother hated us and cause us problems all the time, so I know what your son is going through. I forgave my stepmother years down the road and we actually get along nicely, I am 49. My brother 50, hates her and her kids to this day. I moved out at 16 and supported myself (best thing I did) and it wasn't easy. I actually never was close to my father, being an alcoholic and bum(never wanted to work, collected welfare). You on the other hand love your son. The reason alot of marriages fail, is that they become one sided and the one spouse doesn't respect the other needs. You need to stand on your feet and tell her what concerns you, instead of popping pills. I would suggest a marriage counsler. If she doesn't like that idea, it might be time to move on, because she is unwilling to work it out. Did you depend on her for finances before you met her? No! It is going to get worse, unless you do something about the situation. Be diplomatic, don't show anger when confronting her about the situation. Alot of you guys get upset when your wifes put on weight. I ask my wife to go with me to a BB show and she said no. I first I was upset, but she lets me know that is not her thing to do, and I need to respect that. Same as your wife putting on weight. You keep bringing that up and she will resent you, that is an idividual choice. I don't like divorces, but nobody is stuck with someone the rest of thier lives, if the situation is horrible. I hate to see your situation get worse, so take the first step and talk about it, and if she is unwilling to work it out, you are not stuck with her. I also will pray over your situation, hoping God will intervene.

 

[Gators]

Ditto (prayer).

You really need to see a marriage counselor, i could not even begin to tell you how to 'fix' your situation.

 

[notsobig32]

Man,

I jsut read through your story and i have to say that from the sounds of it you two have a complete and total disconnect. I have a blended family(wife has two kids from a previous marriage and i have one) and i love my three sons more than i ever thought possible. It is tough but if you put the time and effort in, it is not hard and will run completely smoothly. My wife and i have never stepped on each other's toes with our children. We developed a set of rules that compromised the best of what we were each trying to impart to our children and then we live by the rules. No one is treated any different than anyone else. When it is snuggle time, i actually get a little jealous sometimes when MY SON gravitates towards my wife instead of me, but then i realize that it is an amazing thing. That she treats him that good.

As for the marriage, i thinnk you two need to see a counselor. I think you guys have strayed so far from each other that you no longer know how to cumminicate effectively. As far as straightening you life out and changing who you were, you did that. Someone else may have been the impetus but you are the one that did the hard work so don't take any credit away frrom yourself.

As far as money, you BOTH created your financial situation. No one can get credit in another person's name without that persons consent. So that means that for whatever reason you went along with her plans and allowed it. If you are going to work your marriage out, you have to realize that you have both been active participants in getting to where you are right now. If you truly want to save your marriage, then you need to find professional help. If you cannot afford it OR your insurance doesn't cover it, a lot of churches offer relationship counseling for free. Basically, if you want the marraige to work and are willing to put in the effort(and it is a LOT of work...worth it IMO) then don't let anything stand in your way.

good luck and i will keep my fingers crossed for you.

 

[alero]

Any grown woman that is that jealous of a child has a TON of personal issues to deal with before even considering counseling together.

 

[Sigmund Roid]

Amino Man,

I read both of your posts.

From what I gather, it appears that you are suffering from trying to force yourself to accept the life you have with this woman.

You can't do that without depressing.

First of all, realize that YOU can't change this woman. The only person we can change is OURSELVES. No one can make our lives miserable. We do that to ourselves.

Focus on things that YOU can do right now to make your life better. Life is not fair sometimes [ your wife sounds like she's changed for example ] and some give more to relationships than others do.

What can you do? Think of and make a list of ways you could improve old relationships with people who were important to you that you might have let slide and ways to create new, better ones. To be happy we need a few, really good, close relationships.

Reach out and work on those. That would be a step in the right direction.

 

[Amino_man]

Thanks everyone!! I truly appreciate all the encouragement to keep this relationship going forward and I know all I have to do is see how she will be when my son is out of the house when he turns 18 years old in 2 years.

My problem is, That's probably not going to happen. He wants to go to college and wants to live at home while he does this to save money for when he graduates, he can buy things like furniture for his own place.

This "storm" that I'm trying to make my way through has no end in sight as of right now. The only way I see things changing is if my son meets a girl and wants to move in with her.

If this does not happen, (where he wants to move in with her) I will not allow my sons step-mother to run him out of my life!

When all is said and done, I would prefer my wife to bury me when I die but, sometimes it comes down to you children. I am this boy's role model. He see's pictures of me when I was in College football and how I was scouted as a running back for the NFL.

Never was invited to the draft nor did I even get a phone call to goin a practice but he see's it as they missed out on one of the best that could have been.

He see's me inject before I go workout with him and he wants me to educate him on it. back to the point...

My son loves me like were the only ones left in the world and it hurts me to see his face when I have to side with my wife when she tells him to do certain things around the house.

She's just doing it to interrupt our chatting/bonding time with him always at school, out with his friends and or at work. I need to reconnect with him and that's when she comes up to him and starts yelling at him to clean his room or fold his colthes, or go pickup dog poop when it's raining out side...

She's got a point when he waits 3 days after we ask him to do it the first time but, she has very little tact with the way she comes across to a teenager and they have raging hormones as it is.

My son is going to be wanting more freedom and if he forgets to do a chore and she grounds him for a whole week for something little I have to get involved when he does not listen and he goes out with his friends and I have to be mean and angry with him when I don't agree with the amount of punishment she lays down on him while I'm at work.

I always give him an out by doing extra cleaning around the hose to get off being grounded a few days early but even then there is only so many things I can have him do before we run out of things for him to do.

They get digs in at each other in passing while at home and it's such a tense home feeling it drives me crazy!! I want to have everyone get along but it seems like no matter how many times I interfere, they go right back at each others throats when I leave the room or if I'm at work.

I feel like I am having to decide between the two and that makes me sad to have to do because my son is not malicious, all his teachers love having him in their classes and he's a really great kid for the most part.

When we go to the store he opens doors for the elderly when he can without me even asking him to do so. But when ever these two are around one another shit hits the fan.

My wife is also very liked by older ladies that she works with and also gets gifts from them when the older lady goes on a vacation they bring her something back just because they were thinking of her.

There both very good people away from each other.

 

[Iceman1800]

If you married a woman who had kids already and you treated hers like she is treating your son, she would leave. No doubt about it. Put him first and what is best for him. You can find a new wife, he will always be your son.

 

[njpooldude]

I read both of your posts.

From what I gather, it appears that you are suffering from trying to force yourself to accept the life you have with this woman.

You can't do that without depressing.

First of all, realize that YOU can't change this woman. The only person we can change is OURSELVES. No one can make our lives miserable. We do that to ourselves.

Focus on things that YOU can do right now to make your life better. Life is not fair sometimes [ your wife sounds like she's changed for example ] and some give more to relationships than others do.

What can you do? Think of and make a list of ways you could improve old relationships with people who were important to you that you might have let slide and ways to create new, better ones. To be happy we need a few, really good, close relationships.

Reach out and work on those. That would be a step in the right direction.

great post..

Im sorry about your situation amino.. it must be really tough. There is a reason she is doing it and its deep inside her. Like sigmund was saying.. nobody can upset us, but ourselves.. ITS YOUR JOY!! DONT LET ANYONE TAKE IT!!!!!

 

[GymDudeVA]

You've thrown about 14 different issues into the pot for discussion, so it's hard for us to give focused advice. I agree that repeated counseling sessions are the only way to sort it out.

At one point you went on and on about her gaining weight (and your desire to get "striated"), which I think should be very minor in your relationship.

My gut reaction (which may be totally wrong): As your son gets older and is more articulate about his own views, and is more of an individual, your wife feels threatened. She sees you too bonding more as ADULTS now, and that threatens her ADULT relationship with you (as opposed to when he was, say, 4).

I assume that you no children with this current wife.

I say put your son first. PERIOD. Try counseling etc. with the wife, and if that doesn't do it, leave.

Also, arrange lots of weekends away with just YOU AND HIM, together , WITHOUT HER. That will allow you to forge the relationship that you want with him, without her interference.....AND her reaction to those getaways will probably tell you all you need to know about her level of stability/security.