Some help would be good.

bigpapa · Aug 27, 2009

Ok a little background information here.

I am 22 years old and am finishing up college soon. My first semester freshman year went so horrible that, I decided to make an ultimate decision one night. I had just stopped playing college football because i blew out my back which i hurt my senior year of high school, in the first practice of my college career. My scholarship was then taken away for that year, and i knew i would never be the same again and knew i would never play again. I had a prescription for vicodin and a muscle relaxer for the pain. it got so bad that one night i said fuck it. I downed about a half bottle of each, the rest of my sleeping pills and drank a whole bottle of nyquil. slowly i slipped away to sleep. flash forward about fifteen hours later....i awake to two girls pounding on me yelling my name telling me to wake up. they were coming to get me to go to lunch like they did everyday. i woke up and said how the fuck did that not work.

now go to present day. these feelings are back. i just broke up with my gf of 2 years about 6 weeks ago...and i have actually had alot of success since leaving her haha. ive been seeing alot of this one girl tho, who is actually a model and she does shoots and what not. i tell myself not to sweat her though, and that if she wants to hang out she'll call because thats what she has been doing, im not going to chase her.

the feelings returned today and it is like i am numb to everything. i feel no emotion and feel no worth. sometimes i literally feel i was born in the wrong generation. the morals and just attitude of the youth of today makes me sick. i wish i could just beat 7 shades of shit out of people sometimes, ya no, without a law suit like the good old days.

i just feel like everyone around me is happy, but i can never really be happy. i honestly cant remember the last time that i was genuinely happy. the only release i have is going to the gym. the only time of the day when nothing matters and i feel in control.

EVERLAST · Aug 27, 2009

professional help.............

Sounds like you need to go get some help for this depression. I think a counselor could point you towards either some behavioral therapy or an SSRI, MAO inhibitor, or the like, to help with the chemical imbalance you might be experiencing.

Feeling down is one thing and feeling suicidal is another...dont wait too long either. This can get away from you again and you might not be so damn lucky next time.

You could think of it as a simple case of brain chemical imbalances....not some deep dark flaw in your character or anything. You just need a bump on the serotonin or norepenephrine side of the equation.

Or it could be that you need some behavioral therapy to avoid repetitive thought patterns that bring you down.

PM me if you need to talk privately...

E

pumpt73 · Aug 27, 2009

I agree with EVERLAST. If you haven't talked to a counselor, you really should, if you have the insurance to do so my friend. Have you been keeping things bottled up and not talking??? I've been down this avenue. Things have got to me, and I wouldn't talk to anyone. The more I bottled up, the more depressed I got.

While I agree to a degree about society today, you still deserve to be happy. Just take your time and think long about life and who you would hurt if you were gone. Trust me my friend, I attempted 3 times, and obviously failed. Im glad for that. The damage I would have left behind would have been horrible. During my initial counseling, mine had me talk to a mother and father who were dealing with the suicide of their oldest daughter. That opened my eyes up.

Again, Im with EVERLAST, I would think talking to someone and getting some of these feelings out would help.

bigpapa · Aug 27, 2009

it is weird though, today i feel a little bit better. like this shit comes and goes. that is the one thing though. i am never one to just talk. i always like to keep to myself. thats just how my family is, like everything is a big fucking secret. and i have kind of had an inferiority complex ever since i was a child. i got beat up alot when i was younger by these two kids...needless to say i saw them a couple months ago and i am now bigger than both of them..combined. and i said u wanna try that now? so i think that might have had something to do with everything. i dont really know

pumpt73 · Aug 28, 2009

Totally understandable bro. I know exactly where you're coming from. I wouldn't talk to anyone for a long time. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I felt like a failure when I went to get my first script of anti-depressants. Once I realized, that there are a ton of people just like me, it went away.

I know what you mean about the depression coming and going. Mine does the same. You can pretty much count that come my birthday, I will start to get more and more withdrawn. The reason being is I lost my Grandfather 8 days after my 20th bday in 1998. I don't do well around that time. There's other times it comes and goes.

I too had the complex. I was the little fat kid growing up and got picked on a lot until I started wrestling. Take your time bro. There's no rush. Heck, even talk to your family first about it before you decide to see a counselor. Just whatever you do bro, don't harm yourself. I know life can get tough at times, and we can feel like giving up, like there is no hope, but there is. You're still young my friend. You have a whole World in front of you that you haven't seen yet. Like I said, take your time, do some research on the net, and go from there. Confide in your closest friends and family about your feelings. I say closest for a big reason. They will be there for you the most.

Trust me bro, if I can beat an addiction to opiates, you can be happy. And you deserve it. You ever want to talk privately, feel free to PM me as well.