what do i do i am scared

[tonka2]

I dont Know where to begin.I have a steady girl friend i have been with for almost 6 1/2 years.With that said i think i am done.WE have had real up and down relationship.Some of you know about my past with my family and what i am going threw with my father dieing.I have been in a state of some depression for so time.
Thing is i can put my finger on almost everything in my life that makes me feel that way or makes me mad.She seems to be one of them .I feel like she is holding me back.Yes i have told her almost everything i am about to tell you!
I dont feel i know i was ment for more in my life i know i was ment for more. Heres why. I was born 3LBS 8onces.NO i was not a preme it was my mom.MY father as well as everyone on his side of the family,my granparents ants uncles have been to the fed pen.At one time they ran most of miami if you know what i mean.They also pertook of what they sold.That explains my birth weight.I have lazy eye that you cant see because i mad it strong threw training it.I went to a lung doctor for my asyma and he told me i have 10%lung capacity.I dont use a inhaler.He just about called me a freak and said if he had my lungs he wolud be in the corner dieing.MY best time with those lungs for a 3 mile run was 18 minutes ,perfect time for the usmc.The doc said my body had to adapt to no meds.MY parents just let me suffer as a kid.I have a 9th grade education or less which you can see in my writing sorry.This is also why my thoughts dont come out write!I avoid words i cant spell or try to so you dont think i am a complete dumd ass.Even thow i know i still sound like one.But i scored so hi on my ged they gave me a high school depolma.I passed the florida real estatethe first time and in half the time it would take some one else,it also has a 90%fail rate.
I am not just trying to give my self a tap on the back.Just trying to give those of you who care a peace of me.Now back to my girl Why are we together? I dont know!I guess i should tell you how i feel she holds me back.I dont know where to start.How about i just dont want to hate any more or be mean to pepole.I dont want to use the word nigger ever again or make fun of some one because there different.I remember the things my father did and have carried that with me my hole life and been angry that same time.I am tried now.
She does not seem to want to stop.When we met we where also doing rec drugs which made me more depressed because i know i am better than that.It took me almost 5 yers to beat that out of our relationship.It still tries to show its ugly head from time to time.I tell her if she loved me she would not incourage those things.
I really need to hurry this up sorry guys.She has kept me from good JOBS,BBING,even my dieing father.What makes it worse is why did i let her do all this.I am not that weak.I have tried to even help her raze her daughter just to have her break my heart with that also.I want to break this cycle of pain.I will not be my fathers son but i cant seem to leave WHY!
Ok almost there.I am a bartender there is a woman i work with .WE have been working together for a couple of years.When pepole see us at work they think we should or are dating.We have never hung out side of work we dont talk on the phone.But when we see each other we dont hug each other we hold each other and everyone can see it. A kiss on the chek is so much more than that.I love to hear her laugh it makes me fell good inside. She has been threw a few guys and the joke is it would be me if i was single.What i mean we would be together.She is going to school.Which my girl has no ambition for.O and she is also a fittness girl.Until now i have not wanted kids or wanted to get married.I think i could do that with this girl.Remember in 2 1/5 years we have not slept together.So am i pretty f- uped or what.This all got worse about a month ago me and my girl got onto a big fight.Guess where i went(yes i am a dumd ass)the girl from work just listened it got late then we laid down(just to sleep)We did not have sex, but did make out a littte .I cant remember the last time i felt so good.She made me feel like was fifteen again.I mean everywhere.Me and my girl have sex maybe once every six months.She wants it but i dont.I thought some thing was wrong with me.If the wind would blows the wrong way i would get a hard on.That has not happened since i can remember.It hapeened that nite and it happens everytime i touch the girl i work with.And has been happening with her for years.Why cant i leave No matter how mad i get its like i think now one will love me.Its like i dont think any one will except me!With my past its like i am not normal.I think back to before me and my girl where together and i did not have any problems with the ladies what am i scared of?One more thing if i get the balls to do what i think some of you would tell me to do, is it healthy to get into to another relation ship.ME and the girl from work are almost in one anyway .IF you made it this far thank you so much.I have a friend on Pm who has been trying to get me to open up.If that person reads this thank you.I do feel a little better.This is only apart of what i keep inside.Thank you again sis and bros.I am also going to get grammer for dummies to hlep me out.I sat her with a dictionary this whole time.

 

[Amazon Doll]

I don't know you, but what you got going on is sad.

The only thing that jumped out at me is when you said she is holding you back. I don't believe that. You are holding yourself back. In the relationship or out of the relationship, you should be doing what is right for your life. No one controls you but you. I'm not trying to come across mean, just give you some more ideas about what is going on.

Why do you stay if you are so sad?

 

[tonka2]

Its not mean doll and i dont know why i stay,I ask my self that all the time

 

[marino69]

I think you need to take a long look in the mirror and try to establish some self confidence and since there are no children, start taking care of #1, YOU!!! I don't know how old you are but time goes by quick and life is short, move on to something that makes you happy. sounds like you have had a rough life up till this point! man, enjoy the rest!!! don't leave the gym either or let anyone hold you back from it!!! good luck and I hope all works out for ya!!!

 

[Amazon Doll]

I was going to ask how old you are, but I'm guessing you are in your 20's by the way you write. If you are in your 40's

When you said you don't know why you don't leave I thought iof the title of this thread "I'm scared"

It's scarey to leave something that is secure, it's like jumping off a sinking ship, you'll die and go down with it if you stay, but jumping into that dark icey water seems worse.

 

[buffbabeca]

You need to GET OUT and work on YOU just as others have said... YOU are #1 and for God sakes you need to read that book I have suggested to each and everyone who has asked me for advice. I would NOT suggest jumping into anything with this new girl but yet let it flow.. honestly that is how I feel with GH... we didnt stress anything and just let it happen and look where I am now... happier then I ever imagined.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Its not mean doll and i dont know why i stay,I ask my self that all the time

I'll tell you why. You are weak. You may be able to bench 500 and squat every cookie in the gym but emotionally, you have a ton of work to do. You are forcing this girl to live in a lie. Her whole life is a lie. The guy she thinks is there doesn't exist at all.

Sometimes people need to hear things delicately and other times people need to hear it straight. I'm giving it to you straight.

Either get some relationship counseling and try to rekindle something or let that girl go find something real. You'll feel better too when you are no longer living a lie.

Sincerity in life goes a long way toward your own health - finding sincerity in life should be a major if not most important goal for you.

 

[tonka2]

Guys thank you for your replys.Buff i will read that book i promise i found it in a box.I really dont think i would rush in with the girl i know.Ok girl does sound kinda young i mean woman.
Doll I hate to say it i just turned 31,now i feel real stupid.My lack of education makes it real hard on me when i write.Trust me if you talked to me in person it would not even sound like me.I have learned to sound like i am educated.I am not stupied just had to learn everything my self.I know u didnt call me stupid just in case.
OK now for the hard love from OTH.I hear you bro.Your words made me sick to my stomach almost on the verg of tears.Understand i do not see my self as a lier and i am not trying to hurt the woman i am with.She has broken my heart so many times.The last thing to push me over edge was realizing she was keeping me from my father that on top of everything else made it to wear i just cant stop being angry.As far as finding our selfs again that kills me to besides pain and partying we dont have much to bring back.She is trying to change but it seems to late.I cant fix my self and her.I WISH I COULD i mean that.Also the woman i mentioned,the feelings i have for her were never this strong until that nite.I got used to feeling empty almost dead and she woke that up.When that happened i really started to think about what i want in life.I cant waste any more time all i have known is pain and how to cover it up and i dont want to live that way any more!Before i know it i will be 60 or 70 then what.But i do understand what you are saying and thank you.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

OK now for the hard love from OTH.I hear you bro.Your words made me sick to my stomach almost on the verg of tears.Understand i do not see my self as a lier and i am not trying to hurt the woman i am with.She has broken my heart so many times.The last thing to push me over edge was realizing she was keeping me from my father that on top of everything else made it to wear i just cant stop being angry.As far as finding our selfs again that kills me to besides pain and partying we dont have much to bring back.She is trying to change but it seems to late.I cant fix my self and her.I WISH I COULD i mean that.Also the woman i mentioned,the feelings i have for her were never this strong until that nite.I got used to feeling empty almost dead and she woke that up.When that happened i really started to think about what i want in life.I cant waste any more time all i have known is pain and how to cover it up and i dont want to live that way any more!Before i know it i will be 60 or 70 then what.But i do understand what you are saying and thank you.

Those words would not have had the effect they did on you had they not been true. Sometimes the truth is the hardest pill to swallow. I'm not unsympathetic to your pain. I'm sure you've been through a lot. I understand she hurt you, you hurt her, she hurt you, but you're only 31! This girl and YOU still have plenty of TIME to find the right thing in your lives. Maybe that's each other, maybe not. But either way, you have to move on now! Allow yourself to keep what dignity you have left by venturing out on your own. And allow her too! You say you don't want to live that way so then.... DON'T! Where do you think all these feelings of fear and self-loathing are coming from? Have you considered the idea that even your body itself (your "gut") is telling you that something needs to be changed here?

 

[Amazon Doll]

Just so you know, in my last post to you I was going to say how smart & intellegent you came across as. I knew it was just your writing skills. You seem like a pretty sharp cookie.

I think it's great you are looking at this stuff just keep digging deep and you will learn and follow OTH advise!

 

[tonka2]

You guys are the reason so many many of us call this place home.I hope that in time i can help others and repay the faver.In both personal and training aspects!I know i am only 31 but looking back it feels much longer.The beginning of my post I(I dont Feel i was ment for more i know i was)Well what that ment was there is now whey i have overcome these and many other things to live this way!One of the hardest things was to think i will have to leave the woman in my life behind so i can move forward.Also to think are life is or was truley a lie.I know i should learn from this and i will.I know what i want.Its not that i dont want to fight for it i just dont want to hurt any more.I also dont want to hurt anyone to get it.Thats my fathers way not mine.That is prob one of the real reasons i stay.You guys are right it is time for #1.That seems so slefish.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

I know i should learn from this and i will.I know what i want.Its not that i dont want to fight for it i just dont want to hurt any more.I also dont want to hurt anyone to get it.Thats my fathers way not mine.That is prob one of the real reasons i stay.You guys are right it is time for #1.That seems so slefish.

No. Selfish is staying with a person you do not love simply because you yourself do not have the strength to make the changes necessary for you AND HER. Yes, you owe it to yourself but you owe it to her too... and everyone else that may be involved.

I don't think it's time to start thinking only about #1. You've been doing that long enough. You're only 31. Make up your mind and then do it.

 

[tonka2]

No. Selfish is staying with a person you do not love simply because you yourself do not have the strength to make the changes necessary for you AND HER. Yes, you owe it to yourself but you owe it to her too... and everyone else that may be involved.

I don't think it's time to start thinking only about #1. You've been doing that long enough. You're only 31. Make up your mind and then do it.

fare enough!

 

[oldfella]

Hey bro, You do have some work to do, As OTH said. You have two things to work on, Inside (you) and outside (your relationship). From your writings things have not been good between you two for a while. Not all her fault and possibly not all yours either. It does take two to tango. So you either get to work on saving the relationship you have going on now or you END IT! This has to happen. It is not fair to her or to yourself to keep going with the torment that is happening now. OK so there is some chemistry between you and your co-worker, this sounds pretty cool from one perspective. From another perspective people always want the things they seemingly can not have, you know, forbidden fruit? So what happens if you finish it off with your girl and you strike up a one on one with your workmate? Will this chasnge the way she feels about you? Will you change the way you feel about her? Big questions and no answers, yet. But on the other side you are falling, no stumbling down a path that for now has no place to go but downhill! Just how far are you willing to fall? How much more pain do you want to inflict on an already bad situation? OTH is so much more direct with his words but I guess in my own way I am telling you the same thing. Open your eyes and your mind bro, this has to end one way or the other. Of course we care about you, but it would be very remiss of me to simply dismiss the girl in your life. She has feelings and deserves to be treated with respect for those feelings and dealt with fairly! Don't you think? You know this is going to hurt, but what will hurt worse? To continue stumbling and tumbling down this path to nowhere or to stop, pick yourself up, dust off the dirt and embark on a new path that leads to a more productive, happy life? You have had a hard life bro, no question but you have survived. This is going to be another one of those obstacles that will need to be dealt with. It will hurt! Deal with it!

As for being scared! This is not a bad thing. We will always fear the unknown, just like a kid who is afraid of the dark. Until you realize that there is nothing in the dark but darkness!

 

[Mackster]

I really have to agree with oldfella here Tonk. The way I look at this, the two of you have had problems for a while, and it sounds like you and your current GF are probably BOTH miserable inside. Not just you Tonk. So don't feel bad man. Tonk let me ask you. Who do you go to with your problems? Your current GF or the girl you work with at the bar? I'll bet its the girl at the bar isn't it? Your not married your current GF yet correct? Both you guys need to work on yourselves. Not just you Tonk. Your losing your identity aren't you man? She doesn't have a great deal of ambition? She's probably not that happy. That is a sign. Sometimes the sadness one person feels can really bring down their partner. You start to lose your identity.
Let me tell ya'. I've been there bro. I have been EXACTLY in your shoes. I had to seek counseling and get on anti-depressants. It took me a LONG, LONG, time to realize this man. I ended up breaking it off with my girl. It was a really HARD thing to do. I don't have a GF and its been 9 mos. since my breakup. I can tell you this though. With counseling and help I'm a MUCH happier person inside. I've learned to let go of a lot of stuff. I sought God back in my life and let his Love fill my heart and sought to define my self worth through His eyes. Not my own or anyone elses for that matter.
Let me tell you something man. Personally, I'd tell her you both need to work on yourselves and get some counseling. Do you want to make it work with this current GF or not? Also, what about the girl you work with? Realize that you and the girl you work with are both very LONELY right now and that could be why you are both enjoying each others company so much. Your loneliness could be clouding your judgement.

 

[tonka2]

I have been thinking about this all day and i forgot to mention i did tell my Gf it was time to go few weeks ago.I have not left her in the dark about every thing.
Fella i was waiting for the two to tango comment.I could see you reading my post before i went to work.When i look back i dont see my self hurting her at all only giving in to every thing she wanted or needed and i mean every thing.In some way i am sure that hurt her thow and now look at us i am so resentful and full of anger.There are so many details i cant go into.I feel like a dog chasing my tail.The answer is right there i just cant get it.what you said about things changing between me and my coworker and us both being lonley.I have had those thoughts.I dont want to jump from one sinking ship to another.Like i told OTH she woke me up from a long sleep.But when i jumped out of bed i keep running in a wall.hope that made sence.I miswanting a woman.MY coworker made me feel like me again if that is all i get out of it thats fine.I am a passionate man.with all the hate an anger i have seen.I all the women i have been close to in my life have always commented about the love i show both emitionaly and physically.So part of the prob is i know somewhere that stopped with my GF.IT was replaced with a anger i have not had in some time.My co worker brought out my softness again and it felt good to hold a woman that way after so long and be held back!I dont want to open the can of worms any further.With this post i hear you all and thank you so much for taking time to give soft and hard love!I do get it and i know i must shit or get of the pot.Like you said fella its gonna hurt get over it.When i learned of my fathers cancer i thought how i could help others with all i have been threw and one word came to mind OVERCOME.There is no other choice in life you overcome or you die.This post was based on a choice to live or start living again.So in that word is my answer and my tail.Good nite all thank u again

 

[Amazon Doll]

Good man. you are on your way! never surrender.

 

[OrDieTrying]

I feel the same a lot of the time, except it feels like my wife is a leech. She is a great person, but I can only do so much for so many people. Having two daughters makes my priorities Me, the Girls, then Her. One thing that caught my attention was you finding happiness with another woman - even if it was a mild encounter.

I stepped back a few months ago when I started posting (again, I was banned originally) here because of what ouch had said. He hit the nail on the head.. And I was being a dick - I was going out and finding women to have short bursts of fun with for the sole purpose of taking my mind off of shit I should have been dealing with and to give HER a reason to leave ME. What I realized is every girl other than her made me happy. There was no weight in these short term relationships, spats of lust if you will. So it wasn't really happiness, it was carelessness. It gave me a way to ignore my real problem.

I haven't fixed shit, but I don't let arguments escalate anymore. Figured if we're not fixing it, we're not leaving, and we see TOTALLY different - no sense in getting all worked up.

I guess my point is, find yourself and your happiness before you are linked by a child to this woman. Also don't find your happiness in another woman. You've been with her a while, and she has a child...are you involved with the child in a fatherly way? If you aren't the baby daddy, you don't have to be.

Do it for those of us who can't, or won't.

 

[tonka2]

OTD I think i was a memeber when that happened.I am very close to taking care of this once and for all.I am sitting here and she is right next to me.I would like to make it to clear to everyone i do not hate this woman.I do hate things that have happened.I really dont see her as a lover.I do see her as a bestfriend ,thow i hate to think i will lose that.Her daughter i took in as my own.I tried to be the father her dad wont be.This was incourged by here mother.When it came time to be a mom she didnt want to ,she wanted to be a friend.When that happened it blew up in face.Its a long story.The real father used to abuse my GF and has had the child until about 3years ago.He had to go to rehabe and that is when we got her daughter.I had my life up rooted many times to try to get this child.When we brought her here she had been on the streets for a while.The day we picked her up she had been doing rec drugs for awhile.What a f-ing cyccle we parents create for our kids.She came here and i tried to tame it But mom would not help, the girl was gone all the time.Then i went on my space and in her room and found what her mom did not want to see.What she was doing.Any way i end being the bad guy.Being told i had no right to do that in my own home.We are this kids last chance and i will not stand by and watch this.I will not be told we will do nothing.After a year or so this we fight and fight and i am told thats its me or her.I could see that if she was good and i was a dick,not the case so i gave in.Some more things happen caught her doing more things and still the bad guy.This is one of the things that broke my heart.Threw all this she is with her father again.Telling lies about her mother and hurting her again.I am so sorry i made her go to school and i didnt want her having sex and doing drugs.I am sorry i want here to be educated and not have a hard time like me.I am sorry i tried to be a dad!Ok this reply is getting away from me.I will go back to what i must do OVERCOME it is starting to feel like a chant.Like i have to keep saying it to keep me on track.You said cant or wont.You now i cant do this for you.Because when you go to bed and wake up it will be the same for you also!Maybe this theard is for you to for eveyone in thoses shoes i hope i do overcome and am able to help others and give first hand advice soon.To do what i know as a man i should do.Before i do something i am not proud of(COWORKER)!Everyone on here reminded me of one thing respect.They have showed it to her now its my turn.Why would i try to take care of her for so long.Just to be another person to hurt her .If i want to break the cycle of hurt and pain i think it could start here.She never hurt me on purpose i am sure of that she has her own pain that made her do the things she did.OK starting to ramble again i dont need to give the board my whole life story.I am sure it would get old after a awhile Thanks ODT for your reply everyone has been very helpful.