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Please read this, I wish I did 5 years ago.

Scottyd

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My warning of gear... and my experiences IDC if you wanna argue, this is what happened to me...And before anyone replies calling me a DUMBASS, get in line, behind me..

About 5 years ago or so, I jumped in.. into what you may ask, but if you're on this forum or this thread you already know... Let me first say this, I love working out always have jumping in wasn't an easy decision especially with all the media bs and political standings on AAS. There i said it.. AAS..

Originally I found it online, much like most do.. not hard.. easy actually with the risks that you would assume come associated with the nature of it. Chinese stuff.. good stuff... Somewhat honest sources.. luckily I have never been burned.. something that does happen however. I've always kind of wondered the potency though and developed a feeling test that ultimately almost cost me my life and took the important parts of it.. more on this later.

My first run was just like most would run, about 500mg test c. for 8 weeks. I fell in love.. Particularly in my case I truly believe that I had a low test issue before jumping on. I had gyno as a teen, and i was in my late 20's before i could even grow a full beard.

I can remember when it kicked it, took a few weeks and all the sudden I was stronger and felt great.. A walking boner and a machine in the gym. I could keep going and going, in the gym and in the sack.. All the pro's quickly outweighed the cons in my mind. I swear my weener grew.. Lol..

So the 8 weeks came to an end.. and it was almost like death was around the corner.. I didn't want to stop, I did, but yet I didn't...when I got off, I did all the PCT as recommended, but it felt like my gains were just depleting, and the thought of backtracking became a fear and quickly became not an option.. so I bought more, jumped back on again within a few weeks of getting off. Then it was always on.. which is cool right? I mean the pro's are always on.. and there's the old blast and cruise routine.. it's all good.. It's also very COSTLY so I started getting it raw and went the home brew route.

I stayed on the test year round, added other compounds, deca, tren, dbol, anavar, even a few prohormones for shits and giggles at no real program or consistency. Foolish? yeah, but you would never convinced me of that then, I was my own guinea pig. I've ran test up to 1 gram per week stacked with deca at 700 or tren E at 200-400 or more..just depending.

So I swole up...I got big and I got strong.. I got compliments and got arrogant and developed an ego.. yes folks at 5'11 and 245lb this can happen, and it's not my nature as I am a very shy guy normally.

I stayed horny, without a doubt, and going from that chubby dude that women rarely glanced at to the yoked guy with confidence and good looks cost me a 18 year relationship with my now ex wife. I can't blame it all on gear...it was all me.. but me on gear. Shy guy who has low self esteem finally gets attention from women.. instant disaster..

When my wife left me after she found out i had cheated on her, my reality came like a kick to the face.. Never in a million years did I dream id be in this shape. Divorce, custody battle, debt and more debt. Everything changed in my life EVERYTHING..except one thing, every week that 25 gauge went in to put that oil in me.

Being single at first wasn't all that bad.. I tapped lots of ass.. Spent more time at the gym kept my diet on point... But it wasn't long before i realized that frankly being single sucks. Especially when you've known the couple life since 18 yrs old.. I'm 36 now. Funny thing is all the women I dated saw right through me. they could see that I would run around on them given half the chance. Or that was my thoughts... BUT I WOULDNT! I had learned my lesson...

Depression hit me like a shot gun in the chest. Hard, brutal and at no real pattern. At that time i told myself no biggie.... Nothing i can't handle.. I just need to work out my frustrations in the gym. So I continued the current run of Test e and at that time added tren E. That my friends was the Devil smiling in my face. DO NOT, I repeat, do not use tren if you suffer from depression. Hell don't use it at all, and I don't care how popular it has become, how well it works (which it does) I will never touch it again.

So anyways it should go without saying my depression WORSENED while on tren. Life had no good in it... that was my perception.. so after about 3 weeks of trying to decide the easiest way to kill myself I decided that pills are the way to go.. So I took roughly 300 pills one night. A mixture of naproxen, diphendydramine, acetaminophin and some pain pills that a doc prescribe to me for a nagging rotor cuff.. I laid in bed, my face went numb my ability to move disappeared and i looked down and could see that my arms and hands were pale white. My ex wife came over to pickup my son and found me in that state. She asked me wtf was goin on, i tried to talk but couldn't. Following that was a surrealistic event that I will never forget. I practically died in an ambulance, I remember going in and out of consciousness, being screamed at by emts, puking, feeling like i was on fire.. None of this shit was worth all that... The strength, the muscles, women ect.

Diphyndydramine is basically benedryl... and i had severe dismorphia and saw some crazy shit that even today I don't know if it were real or not. Scary stuff, devil like shit.. Leaving my body walking around the hospital wondering why and the fuck no one could hear me talk to them... I was scared.. but that's not as important as the fact that I scared my loved ones the way I did. My son.. my mom and pop and brothers and sister...Oh my Lord I wish I could take that back... I wasn't me, I wasn't who I was before AAS, I simply wasn't the man they knew.

Waking up in ICU sweating an oily substance while my body was fighting to work that junk out my system was no fun. A tube down my throat, and one in my penis... I woke up crying.. because when you face death, you finally see what all you have to live for and its not gear, 6 meals a day, the gym, or looking how society says we should.

So almost dying.. sweating toxic oils that burn your eyes as it gets into them, tubes in the throat and worse yet in the pee hole.. Having a stomach and intestines full of charcoal, those are good reasons to quit right???? No for my dumb ass, apparently not..

So after my suicide attempt its mandatory where i live that you be checked into a system for "help" you have no choice in the matter. So I spent a few weeks in a place with some folks that have "real" issues.. dope problems, suicidal and depression issues, alcoholism.... At the time I still had my ego.. and wtf was i doing with "these" people?, The food was terrible.. I doubt i even got 20grms protein per day. On the night of my S.A. i was roughly 245-250 when I left the ER weighing 230lb when i left the psychiatric and substance abuse resource center I weighed 215.... My buddy ol 25 gauge was the first visit I made when released.

So upon my release I got me a new script of prozac (to go along with my non scripted self medis).. and BAM problem solved right? i can take this miracle happy pill and still use my gear!! But guess what?.. it doesn't FUCKING work!!.. I'm not sure if this is the same for everyone but prozac + AAS was no different than aas without prozac. So while still battling depression I also started retaining water and putting on fat at an alarming rate from the Prozac... SOOO i said wtf I will drop the tren.. BAM huge difference.. i felt great within a few weeks. .awesome actually... and finally the real problem showed itself.. and not long after that I dropped it all.. all of it, I ran a test booster for 2 weeks and now I'm not on anything.. And if I ever even get the courage to it'll be through a doctor.

I'm a new person now literally not for the better.... my divorce is final... my house is up for sale... I have been institutionalized... and my family and a few co-workers have seen my try to take my own life... I can't take a piss without worrying them.. So read this and please don't think you're any different.. please don't think you're any better.. this shit isn't a toy, it's not a game, is it safe?? NO!!! can it be??.. absolutely, when you allow it to be, and when you do it CORRECTLY. But when you want to be the as big as Jay, or as ripped as Kai and do it as FAST as possible its far too often we throw that safety out the window.. Just be careful guys. Hold the ones you love and love yourself for who you are, chances are you WONT be pro, chances are you won't bench 700lb BE yourself and learn to love yourself for who you are.. and take it SLOW.
 
Thanks for sharing your story, it's hard to talk about mistakes like that even on the internet. While everyone on this board is taking a risk with PEDs, knowing that it can be taken too far is something that every newb who joins PM should know.
 
Don't do steroids- they make you cheat and attempt suicide-point taken, thank you
 
These are drugs. They are regulated, or illegal, for one reason or another, not to say that other things that are far more dangerous shouldn't be regulated more than steroids, but regardless they are drugs, and drugs are not to be taken lightly. Nor are they for everyone at not a universally high doses.

Use as needed and use wisely was always how I saw it. Personally, I can say that I was in the bodybuilding game for many years before I deemed myself to the level of using any kind of "assistence" for PEDs. All I can say now is that I personally feel my relationships, my career, and my general lifestyle have only gotten better since I started, and not because I am bigger or people give me more attention, but because I have actually see results on par to the years of effort I have put into bodybuilding and nutrition. I am happy and less stressed, and people around me are happy to be around me.

Thank you though for sharing your story, its not easy to be as open as you were and warn other about things they might be relating to on their own personal level, and I'm sure even if this thread reaches out to one person to make them second guess what they are going to their health or personal life, then you've done well.
 
I could remove steroids from your paragraph and insert alcohol, porn, gambling, or many other illegal (well now legal in 2 states) drugs, and have the same story or outcome.

Not knocking you just saying. Many things in life can take over a control/ruin your life if you let them.
 
thanx for sharing bro. im sorry you have gone through so much. you are still here and you know what is important to you now so enjoy the good things you have and go after the good things you want. best of luck!
 
tren amplifies emotions.

something good happens on tren --> your life is fucking awesome

something bad happens on tren --> your whole life completely goes to shit

ive seen it again and again.

do. not. touch. tren. unless you got the suited social environment
 
That is quite the story and it sucks you had to go thru that, but everyone responds differently to gear. If you're an a-hole to begin with then chances are you will turn into a bigger a-hole. Not true for everyone, but there seems to be a correlation...at least to me. It sounds like you had some demons lurking around in your head before you started and it's quite possible that your use of AAS attributed to your problems, but the gear didn't "make you" do anything. You still have a free-will to make your own decisions. But there are always consequences, good or bad, related to those decisions.

It's something that anyone deciding to cross over to the darkside needs to consider. Usually the ego wins out and it's off to the races.

I hope things work out for you and that you find the inner peace needed to move on and forward. At least you're taking personal responsibility and that's a good start. Thanks for sharing and best of luck.
 
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Don't do steroids- they make you cheat and attempt suicide-point taken, thank you

No and no. They make you do anything. But they influence your actions more than most will admit. Just like pointed out. Drugs alcohol or porn can do the same. Its all on how you handle it. And the mental shape you're in while doing so. It wasn't my first time around with tren, I'd used it several times before that without those results..But like I originally pointed out if your head isn't screwed on right take caution.
 
There are consequences to anything you do in life, but it's hard to say that just one thing caused it, I doubt AAS made you cheat but that's my opinion.
 
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No offense bro but it just sounds like you couldn't handle your shit. I've been down the path of darkness a few times and let me tell you Tren will fuck you up if you don't know what to expect.

The point is there's always light at the end of the tunnel. Don't be a quitter. When life gets tough you gotta get tougher. It's the way it goes man. Especially for us drug users. Steroids are not for the weak minded. Which is why the successful guys in life that juice are the smartest and usually the most mentally tough people. The others.... Well they kill people usually ex girlfriends get addicted to other drugs or kill themselves.

Not referring to the OP in that last paragraph but trying to scare people into changing there minds doesn't work. People have usually already made a decision on what there going to do, I feel it's better to be educational about steroids vs the ole fire n brimstone speech. Didn't change my mind one bit ha
 
That is quite the story and it sucks you had to go thru that, but everyone responds differently to gear. If you're an a-hole to begin with then chances are you will turn into a bigger a-hole. Not true for everyone, but there seems to be a correlation...at least to me. It sounds like you had some demons lurking around in your head before you started and it's quite possible that your use of AAS attributed to your problems, but the gear didn't "make you" do anything. You still have a free-will to make your own decisions. But there are always consequences, good or bad, related to those decisions.

It's something that anyone deciding to cross over to the darkside needs to consider. Usually the ego wins out and it's off to the races.

I hope things work out for you and that you find the inner peace needed to move on and forward. At least you're taking personal responsibility and that's a good start. Thanks for sharing and best of luck.

Bingo, its like an amplifier to any issues or demons you may have. And thats the reality that I ended up facing. Because I was over zealous with my use and FOOLISH.
That folks is my warning and thats the stuff I didn't see happening. I never raged out and hurt no one or even yelled or lost control.. my issues were way different than that. So just keep that in mind fellas I'm not trying to diss using them or look down on anyone who does. Just be careful and take care of your mental health first!
 
I practically died in an ambulance, I remember going in and out of consciousness, being screamed at by emts, puking, feeling like i was on fire.. None of this shit was worth all that... The strength, the muscles, women ect.

Diphyndydramine is basically benedryl... and i had severe dismorphia and saw some crazy shit that even today I don't know if it were real or not. Scary stuff, devil like shit.. Leaving my body walking around the hospital wondering why and the fuck no one could hear me talk to them.

Damn that's crazy. Sounds like you went to hell and were given a second chance.
 
Damn that's crazy. Sounds like you went to hell and were given a second chance.

I won't debate my religion or spiritually, but yes sir I feel thats exactly the case, the second chance part. The hell part idk.
 
Thank you for sharing your story. It's definitely sad and I wish you the best. I sincerely hope things get better for you.
 
Sorry that happened, I have had the opposite experience and bodybuilding has brought nothing but amazing positive things into my life. I even completely stopped antidepressants and anxiety meds by manipulating my own hormones.


It's not for everyone.

**broken link removed**

**broken link removed**
 
If I ever ever decide to go back on them itll be under the guidance of a Dr and reputable trainer.

Side note... I always had the fear that I'd stay shut down after being on for an extended time. But the boys bounced back. And I'm still on a low dose of prozac but stay in counseling and the goal is to feel good without the meds. I have a awesome gf that keeps me built up. We train and go to church together. Life is much better!
 
OP. Thanks for sharing.

Prozac was the first generation of anti depressants. There are much better meds for depression out there now. Oddly enough, Prozac seems to be the best SSRI for women, I have been on effexor for many years.
 

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