18 y/o stepsone

[little slice]

i had my first job when i was 12



slinging dope

 

[sparks1420]

There is no single answer that applies to everyone, as the correct response will depend on the circumstances. Factors such as your income and expenses, what he is doing with his life, his level of gratitude, etc, will all play a role in determining how you should proceed.

It's one thing for a family with a 200K/year income to buy supps for their appreciative 19 year old son while he holds down a 3.5 GPA in college...and another for a family that earns 50K to do the same thing for a 19 year with zero gratitude who sits on his ass playing Play Station all day.

Only you know you and your son's situation. As far as him being your biological child or not, it doesn't matter. When you married your wife, he became your son--so your decisions should be based on that fact.

However, if he is working and has extra spending money, he should be contributing at least a portion of it to help pay for his own supps no matter what the situation is. Furthermore, if he "expects" you to buy supps for him, that attitude needs to change. Many kids are like this because they have been taken care of and babied their whole lives. Gratitude is a MUST regardless of anything else that is going on.

oh its most certainly the latter..all i hear is food,, his mom is the enabler not me. I'm at my breaking point. always worked for everything i ever wanted no matter how big or small..its hard we fight over it sometimes. and no we don't have the means to continue this..

 

[Nbb]

Show him tough love or instead of you paying for his supps have your wife start paying for it with her money and she'll realize it's a problem as well. Something needs to change though


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[alfresco]

my opinion

Don’t mean to be curt or insensitive with a one-size fits-all solution but in my opinion,
it all falls into the ‘expectation’ bucket which is just another way of saying that you have
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future . . . good or bad.
These situations are never fun or simple but they are resolvable given time and patience
and a mutually agreeable outcome which may not be easy but is possible given your
resolve and life experience.

This is not to be misconstrued as a ‘warm and fuzzy’ solution to your problem (there is
none) but living at home does have its disadvantages, or advantages in his case

Not being lazy and an attempt to not being redundant, what I recently said in another
post might be of value . . .
http://www.professionalmuscle.com/f...191-o-t-am-i-crossing-line-2.html#post2241065

 

[Akamai]

Sounds like an issue that needs to be worked out between you and the Mrs. first.

Ak

 

[Mike Arnold]

oh its most certainly the latter..all i hear is food,, his mom is the enabler not me. I'm at my breaking point. always worked for everything i ever wanted no matter how big or small..its hard we fight over it sometimes. and no we don't have the means to continue this..

It's obviously not my place to tell you what to do, but I have an 18 year old stepson myself, and I would never buy him supps if he wasn't in college. Any 19 year old man who is not in college should be working full-time (or close to it) and paying for ALL of their own supps. Actually, I will take it a step further than that and say that any 19 year old who isn't in school, doesn't plan on going to school, and still lives with his parents should at least be paying a monthly fee to help pay for some of his food. $200/month is more than fair, as there is nowhere else in this world he could go and have all of his needs provided for at that cost--not even close. As for supps, that's not even a question--he can pay for those with his own money, especially being that you don't have a lot of extra money available for stuff like this.

Allowing grown men to mooch off you when they aren't even attempting to better their lives or improve their earning potential is not only unfair to you, but it is a disservice to them--because they will never learn responsibility or the true value of money and hard work.

I could completely understand a parent helping pay for their kid's supps as a "reward" for getting goods grades in college or doing something honorable with their time/money (assuming it's not a financial strain), but a kid who does neither can buy their own supps--because they have no reason not too. Why should you pay for supps, on your limited income, when he could--and should--be paying for it himself with money he should be earning from his own job? What has he done to deserve such a reward? He is a grown man...he's just not acting like one because he doesn't have to..and he probably won't as long as his parents continue to allow it.

He is now at the point in life where if he doesn't want to pursue higher education or start building some type of a career, he needs to begin supporting himself...or at least get on the path to being able to do so. A man who wants to do neither while continuing to live with his parents should not only NOT get free supps, but he should also be contributing a least some money towards household expenses. Otherwise, he is just a bum..and that's the truth. The only difference between a bum on the streets and a kid like that is the kid has parents who will fully support him living like a bum.

I worked full-time during the summer at age 15--at a barn. It was hard, nasty work, but it taught me valuable lessons about the worth of money.

Part of this is not your son's fault--because he has never been forced to grow up and begin taking responsibility for himself. This is something you have to do for him...and it will be hard at first, but the alternative is far worse, for everyone involved. Hopefully your wife doesn't make the mistake of thinking that one day he will just turn into a responsible man. This doesn't just happen. It needs to be learned, it is uncomfortable, and it takes years, but it is up to you to initiate that change. Mothers are often too easy on their sons--they coddle them as if they are still their little boys who need to be taken care of, even though they may be adults. As a stepfather, you may be at a disadvantage, especially if your wife pulls the "I am his mother" card (as if to say you "aren't" his father), but don't let this discourage you. As long as you have his best interests at heart she will see that and eventually have to admit that the current course of action is not helping him. She wants him to be the best man he can be, she just might not know the best way to make that happen. The conflict between what she feels and what she know is best can be hard for a mother to deal with. Of course, I am not saying your wife is this way--just that its common.

 

[SportbikerKid]

I got kicked out of the house when I was 17 for drugs/alcohol, and guess what, now i'm an engineer making 90k+ at 23 years old.

Kick him out. It'll be good for him; he'll be forced to make it on his own.

 

[Dens228]

Two days after I graduated high school my dad told me he was taking me to buy me a graduation present. We went to a suit store. He bought me a suit and then told me that he had finished all his obligations to me. He said I could stay at the house for the summer for free but after that I was on my own.

I worked my ass off to pay my own way through college and retired at 51. Although I can tell you I hold my kids to high standards and instill a strong work ethic in them but I would never do to them what my dad did to me.

 

[malcom young]

My son is 20 and a full time college student .he started lifting when he was 17 and I'm in the same boat ,buying supplement all the time .my son is a good kid and a junior in college .he had made honor roll the last 3 semesters and I am very proud of him .once school is finished "he will be buying his own stuff"

Make the grades with a full load, 15 + and the ride is free. Grades or credits come down and the rides over.

 

[Need4Speed]

It's obviously not my place to tell you what to do, but I have an 18 year old stepson myself, and I would never buy him supps if he wasn't in college. Any 19 year old man who is not in college should be working full-time (or close to it) and paying for ALL of their own supps. Actually, I will take it a step further than that and say that any 19 year old who isn't in school, doesn't plan on going to school, and still lives with his parents should at least be paying a monthly fee to help pay for some of his food. $200/month is more than fair, as there is nowhere else in this world he could go and have all of his needs provided for at that cost--not even close. As for supps, that's not even a question--he can pay for those with his own money, especially being that you don't have a lot of extra money available for stuff like this.

Allowing grown men to mooch off you when they aren't even attempting to better their lives or improve their earning potential is not only unfair to you, but it is a disservice to them--because they will never learn responsibility or the true value of money and hard work. 1

I could completely understand a parent helping pay for their kid's supps as a "reward" for getting goods grades in college or doing something honorable with their time/money (assuming it's not a financial strain), but a kid who does neither can buy their own supps--because they have no reason not too. Why should you pay for supps, on your limited income, when he could--and should--be paying for it himself with money he should be earning from his own job? What has he done to deserve such a reward? He is a grown man...he's just not acting like one because he doesn't have to..and he probably won't as long as his parents continue to allow it.

He is now at the point in life where if he doesn't want to pursue higher education or start building some type of a career, he needs to begin supporting himself...or at least get on the path to being able to do so. A man who wants to do neither while continuing to live with his parents should not only NOT get free supps, but he should also be contributing a least some money towards household expenses. Otherwise, he is just a bum..and that's the truth. The only difference between a bum on the streets and a kid like that is the kid has parents who will fully support him living like a bum.

I worked full-time during the summer at age 15--at a barn. It was hard, nasty work, but it taught me valuable lessons about the worth of money.

Part of this is not your son's fault--because he has never been forced to grow up and begin taking responsibility for himself. This is something you have to do for him...and it will be hard at first, but the alternative is far worse, for everyone involved. Hopefully your wife doesn't make the mistake of thinking that one day he will just turn into a responsible man. This doesn't just happen. It needs to be learned, it is uncomfortable, and it takes years, but it is up to you to initiate that change. Mothers are often too easy on their sons--they coddle them as if they are still their little boys who need to be taken care of, even though they may be adults. As a stepfather, you may be at a disadvantage, especially if your wife pulls the "I am his mother" card (as if to say you "aren't" his father), but don't let this discourage you. As long as you have his best interests at heart she will see that and eventually have to admit that the current course of action is not helping him. She wants him to be the best man he can be, she just might not know the best way to make that happen. The conflict between what she feels and what she know is best can be hard for a mother to deal with. Of course, I am not saying your wife is this way--just that its common.

Another top notch Mike Arnold post ...

 

[Chode Logan]

I am in no way sympathizing with the kid in question... I had part time jobs through out high school And worked full-time at least most of the time as soon as I graduated (was stupid with my money but at least worked for it).



...but all the older guys who use your self as an example of becoming your own man at 18 etc...hate to say it but it wasn't that hard to make a living back then. Anyone with a full time job could afford rent/mortgage and possibly even support family off one income. Here in 2015 where I live you need to make 70-80k per household just to even think of living somewhere respectable. It's a verrry different time.


But again this isn't defending OP situation as he doesnt work. Sounds spoiled.


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[Dens228]

I am in no way sympathizing with the kid in question... I had part time jobs through out high school And worked full-time at least most of the time as soon as I graduated (was stupid with my money but at least worked for it).



...but all the older guys who use your self as an example of becoming your own man at 18 etc...hate to say it but it wasn't that hard to make a living back then. Anyone with a full time job could afford rent/mortgage and possibly even support family off one income. Here in 2015 where I live you need to make 70-80k per household just to even think of living somewhere respectable. It's a verrry different time.


But again this isn't defending OP situation as he doesnt work. Sounds spoiled.


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It wasn't that hard to make a living back then? Because of what it costs to live now? Hahaha, I need to laugh! What do you think salaries were back then??? Minimum wage when I was 18 was $3.00.
My first full time job, after college, paid me $10,000 per year.

 

[dnab87]

I see you haven't taken a social economics class in the last 20 years.

What he said is true. The only requirement for a job back then was a high school degree or your parents 'knowing' someone.

Anyways, back to the topic.

He's probably never worked a day in his life and you guys have provided everything for him. Why not use this as a teaching experience. Bring him shopping, let him get his groceries. Show him how much that cost per week along with supplements, 4x.

I was in the Marines at 19, i wouldn't recommend that for him.

 

[Dens228]

Well, my parents didn't know anyone, and they certainly didn't help me get a job.

I had a strong work ethic and goals. Something that is lacking with many 18 year olds today.

Are things different today? Of course they are. My point is that back when you could live on less, you also made a lot less. It had nothing to do with college or education. When I started my chosen profession starting pay was around $15-19,000 per year. Now it's in the mid $60,000's. I bought my first house back then for $66,000. That exact same house is going in the $150,000's now. Do the math. Of course the recession corrected the housing market values which were growing out of control.

The trouble today is everyone thinks it's their God given right to be middle class no matter what their effort or skill level.

I have two boys that have graduated college in the last three years. I've often said in conversations with other parents that I feel sorry for those graduating today. It used to be that when you graduated employers competed for you, now you compete for them.

 

[Chode Logan]

It wasn't that hard to make a living back then? Because of what it costs to live now? Hahaha, I need to laugh! What do you think salaries were back then??? Minimum wage when I was 18 was $3.00.
My first full time job, after college, paid me $10,000 per year.

Well I guess it depends what we mean by "back then". If we go back far enough it was very common for one income to support entire family. Not anymore.

You took what I said and compared it directly to yourself which is pretty silly.

 

[Chode Logan]

Well, my parents didn't know anyone, and they certainly didn't help me get a job.

I had a strong work ethic and goals. Something that is lacking with many 18 year olds today.

Are things different today? Of course they are. My point is that back when you could live on less, you also made a lot less. It had nothing to do with college or education. When I started my chosen profession starting pay was around $15-19,000 per year. Now it's in the mid $60,000's. I bought my first house back then for $66,000. That exact same house is going in the $150,000's now. Do the math. Of course the recession corrected the housing market values which were growing out of control.

The trouble today is everyone thinks it's their God given right to be middle class no matter what their effort or skill level.

I have two boys that have graduated college in the last three years. I've often said in conversations with other parents that I feel sorry for those graduating today. It used to be that when you graduated employers competed for you, now you compete for them.

Well that obviously has more to do with where you live. My parents bought a house for 150k in 1991 that would now cost 800k.


And your last sentence agrees exactly with what I'm saying

 

[Dens228]

Well I guess it depends what we mean by "back then". If we go back far enough it was very common for one income to support entire family. Not anymore.

You took what I said and compared it directly to yourself which is pretty silly.

"..but ALL the older guys who use your self as an example"

But you also made a statement and made it sound as a given. You said "All" so of course I applied it to myself. Am I not part of all? LOL

And I you're right, my mom didn't have to work back then! My wife does though...

 

[Chode Logan]

But you also made a generalization and made it sound as a given. LOL

And I you're right, my mom didn't have to work back then! My wife does though...

It WAS a generalization. But just because it was easier to support a family back then doesn't mean you didn't work hard. The jobs themselves were difficult. But that's kind of my point...hard work was all you really needed (generally) back then. You just had to work your ass off and you had a house and support your family. Now simply busting ass mon-friday doesn't promise much.

There are outliers in every example though.

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[thehazzle]

Push him to get a part time job and say you're going to ask for a small amount of rent. Even if it's only a menial amount it will teach him the value of the dollar. If not maybe explain to him if he wants to carry on getting a free ride he will have to be doing chores daily.

 

[LEX]

oh its most certainly the latter..all i hear is food,, his mom is the enabler not me. I'm at my breaking point. always worked for everything i ever wanted no matter how big or small..its hard we fight over it sometimes. and no we don't have the means to continue this..

sparks, not intentionally trying to be an ass but the fact it has gotten this far where you and your wife are fighting about it and he and mom feel that you should provide all this AND you guys are just scraping by? your fucked. Either shut it down asap or just shut up and let them run your life. I raised 5 step sons and a daughter.