O/T need advice from mature guys about marriage.

[mexicanhombre]

Being an introvert I do not have a large group of friends. I rely on this forum for a lot of "guy topic" advices.


I am 39 years old. I have never been married before. I pursued a girl I met at work and we have been dating for 3 years. She is 37 years old now. She wants a family and kids and all that. I have been given an ultimatum either get married or break up. Over the last 3 months I have gone back and forth on my word so much, I feel like a coward. I feel like I am not a man. I even gave her a ring only to tell her 24 hours later, I am not sure I still need some time to decide.

On one hand the thought of getting married scares me. How will i travel the world, other woman still appeal to me. What If i want to pursue another woman. etc. Bascially everything that you cant have once married, all of a sudden start sounds appealing. I never did those things to be honest, but now that they will be off limits all of sudden I want to do them. So maybe it is just an illusion.

On the other hand, when I break up, I have the deepest grief, of missing this person. She has been a good girlfriend and very supportive. It would be very hard to find someone else similar and the thought of losing her hurts a lot too. May be this hurt is temporary? I dont know.

Last 3 months have been mental hell for me. I do not know what to do? Guys that have been married or not marreid please chime in and help me.

The other issue complicating things is my use of cialis. I have never told her about this but I take 5 mg of cialis before having sex. I dont know if its from previous use of AAS or just perfomance anxiety but it is like a crutch now. I am afraid and embarassed about having this discussion. I did test out my sperm count, as I know having children is important to her and that tested normal. I wish I had addressed this issue before but now I feel stuck.

 

[Reno911]

You pretty much know your answer.

When in "doubt" there "is no doubt".

 

[danieltx]

When an ultimatum comes the relationship is over.

She's in love with the idea of marriage, not the idea of being married to you. If she was in love with the idea of being married to you she wouldn't given an ultimatum, she'd wait as long as it took to becomes your Mrs.

Further, the fact that you would give her a ring then 24 hours later say you're not sure means you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you're ready for a relationship.

 

[bigbumpkin2003]

Yeah I’ve never been good with the ultimatum stuff

 

[Fleezy]

Sounds like OP already knows what he needs to do

 

[275bills]

I stop reading a few words in but definitely up the dose

 

[mexicanhombre]

When an ultimatum comes the relationship is over.

She's in love with the idea of marriage, not the idea of being married to you. If she was in love with the idea of being married to you she wouldn't given an ultimatum, she'd wait as long as it took to becomes your Mrs.

Further, the fact that you would give her a ring then 24 hours later say you're not sure means you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you're ready for a relationship.

Damn, The answers are overhwelmingly dont do it. Last , I told her was ok. FUck.

Waiting as long as needed is possible for a younger person, but with woman their chances of having a kid goes down as they get older. Which is the only reason this is being pushed on.

 

[danieltx]

Damn, The answers are overhwelmingly dont do it. Last , I told her was ok. FUck.

Waiting as long as needed is possible for a younger person, but with woman their chances of having a kid goes down as they get older. Which is the only reason this is being pushed on.

Ok, so she wants kids more than she wants you, however you want to rationalize it. Either way you aren't her top priority. Get her out of you life permanently or continue to suffer.

 

[Ashop]

If you are not ready to settle down with a life long commitment to her, let her go,,,Dragging it out will only cost both of you more time and time is short and precious.

 

[slesh]

I should never have gotten married. I walked away from my ex wife after less than a year of marriage because I knew I didn’t want kids and would eventually leave her. Don’t waste any more of her time - especially at that age…

 

[mexicanhombre]

I should never have gotten married. I walked away from my ex wife after less than a year of marriage because I knew I didn’t want kids and would eventually leave her. Don’t waste any more of her time - especially at that age…

thanks guys, i appreciate all the advices. I am afraid of ending up in a divorce too. fuck. I dont understand why she doesnt leave me seeing as how inconsistent I am.

 

[mexicanhombre]

If you are not ready to settle down with a life long commitment to her, let her go,,,Dragging it out will only cost both of you more time and time is short and precious.

Thank you for the advice.

 

[mexicanhombre]

I should never have gotten married. I walked away from my ex wife after less than a year of marriage because I knew I didn’t want kids and would eventually leave her. Don’t waste any more of her time - especially at that age…

What was the divorce like emotionally and financially?

Why did you get married at all? Did you guys not talk about kids before getting married?

 

[slesh]

thanks guys, i appreciate all the advices. I am afraid of ending up in a divorce too. fuck. I dont understand why she doesnt leave me seeing as how inconsistent I am.

Getting divorced sucks. Mine was “easy” compared to most and still sucked. The only people who win are the attorneys.

 

[danieltx]

thanks guys, i appreciate all the advices. I am afraid of ending up in a divorce too. fuck. I dont understand why she doesnt leave me seeing as how inconsistent I am.

It's very rare that a woman will leave a man no matter how much it goes against logic - but remember that women operate on emotion, not logic.

The sooner you end this permanently the sooner you can move on to better things.

 

[Fleezy]

thanks guys, i appreciate all the advices. I am afraid of ending up in a divorce too. fuck. I dont understand why she doesnt leave me seeing as how inconsistent I am.

For what it’s worth, a lot of guys in my old friend group from college are either divorced or currently getting divorced

And their lives are pretty much fubar at the moment… they have A LOT of rebuilding to do.. financially ruined for the next decade at the very least for most of them

 

[TrippplePPP]

Was marriage on your mind before?

My gut reaction is to say take a break from her. If you are not ready, nor have been thinking of it, then don't do it.

 

[mexicanhombre]

Getting divorced sucks. Mine was “easy” compared to most and still sucked. The only people who win are the attorneys.

We are both high income earners, and she makes a little bit more than I do, and also has more assets. I obviously dont care, and wouldnt want anything if we split, but would that change the dynamics as usually females earn less than males in most relationships.

 

[slesh]

What was the divorce like emotionally and financially?

Why did you get married at all? Did you guys not talk about kids before getting married?

I was forced to live at my parents for months. We tried cohabitating but she punched me and my attorney said I had to get the fuck out of there. She wasn’t entitled to much - all the money was mine before we got married but she still fought me tooth and nail - even lied to the mediator about her contributions. It’s a good thing I had a paper trail of every single dollar.

We talked about kids. On our first date she said she didn’t want them like me. But after the wedding she would make subtle comments that concerned me.

 

[mexicanhombre]

Was marriage on your mind before?

My gut reaction is to say take a break from her. If you are not ready, nor have been thinking of it, then don't do it.

i have always been a loner. i like relationships but i like to go back to my own place and be alone. even when i visit the closest of family like parents or sibling, i prefer to stay at a hotel instead of their guest room. i dont know been alone for so long it feels hard living with someone.