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Moderator / FOUNDING Member / NPC Judge
Staff member
Jun 5, 2002
okay, this has notyhing to do with bodybuilding but, some people wanted it to be told again. so here goes nothing...
my best friend was getting married. his name is matt. i have been connected at the hip with this guy since about 5 years of age. matt is probably the funniest guy i know...but he does not mean to be. he is off the wall and fairly eccentric in his thoughts. to picture this guy will help. he is 6 '3 265 pounds. shaved head and a fiery red goatee. looks very much like a white supremist. anyway he moved to st louis mo and found a girl and decided to get married.
of course , as best man, it is up to me to plan a party. well not being from st louis i have no idea what to plan. i call our friend rob and told him to try to plan something like hitting the strip bars and maybe getting matt a lap dance ect ect.. well, rob calls me back a few days later and has plabnned to have some "rent a strippers" come to the house and dance for matt. well, it did not go very smoothly.
i arrive in st louis only to find out that the company has called and can not get the strippers in time. we figure we are screwed. well rob calls jim who says he can take care of it and knows "a guy" who "knows a guy" who can get us strippers to show up that night. well, as far as we know we are all set. i did express my concern that we left it up to jim. every one has a friend like jim..you know a guy who really is too different from the rest of the crowd but, somehow always manages to hang out with us. usually higher than a kit and has stitches from various altercations. anyway, i was told noty to worry that it was all taken care of.
we go out to dinner (rob me and matt) and agree to meet all the guys back at robs house at 9 o' clock. (all 21 guys) at about 9:15 i am on the porch with rob while matt is inside. a very beat up suv pulls up and a "gentleman" gets out and approaches us. now, i have to describe him. if you are a fan of the simpsons you will know the comic book dealer...i can not tell you enough how much he looked like this guy. a frickin' spitting image. ponytail, goatee, fat and his voice is identical. by the way, we have yet to see the women...he asks if this is the party and i said yes. i then say "are you the guy who owns the entertainment company" he looks at me and says "i own many things.. including these beautiful women in the car" it took me a second then i turned to rob and said "do not tell me that fucking jim got us hookers!" before rob can answer the "gentleman" says "gentleman i can assure you that i have brought the cream of the crop. you will be more than happy" i then say again" that fucker got us hookers". rob busts out laughing. he is laughing mainly because he knows how frickin' stressed out i now am... the proverbial brick fell out of my ass.
now you must understand that out of all the guys we hang out with a am by far the most conservative. i no longer drink am married and have two children. all the others have no children and are not married...we are all in out late twenties and early thirties at this point.. so to have hookers and a pimp in the house has me needing paxil in a bad way. any way, i tell the "john" to stay out here and ill get matt in the living room then you can bring in the "ladies". he tells me we need to lay down some ground rules first i said "like what" he says"do not touch the ladies unless you want to pay extra" in my stressed out outburst i say "and what would you do about it..." he looks around and says " it is true that there are some mighty big dudes in the house but, i have brought along the great equalizer" he then flashes a revolver in a holster under is jacket. rob looks at me and says " that pretty much makes us even ...doesnt it" rob then laughs.. from the added stress of a firearm i actually feel my hair falling out.
i walk inside and tell everyone to sit down that the entertainment is here.. matt is smiling like a little kid at christmas. a few minutes later the pimp comes in with the "cream of the crop" girls. the first one comes in and takes off her long jacket..she is the thinnest girl i have ever seen. literally skin covering bones. bleached blond hair with glearing back roots topping her head. so far i am not impressed. but, as ii study her i realize she is toasted she can barely stand. she then looks right at me and smiles....she is missing her front teeth...perfect. i look over at rob and say "the bitch is missing her front teeth!" rob says "there is no way he would give us girls without teeth" after further examination rob realizes that he would give us girls without teeth. the second girl comes in. she is actually cute. big tits and has a pretty smile. i try to get her to go first since no one is really interested in the "crack whore" who has now sat in the corner and passed out. the music starts and the removes her jacket. she is completely nude and at first i am impressed. she grabs matt who just loves the big titties and lays him down on the floor. matt once again is in his "happy place". but, it will only get worse.
i notice as the girl is laying on top of matt and grinding her crotch on his that she has a scar on her lower abdomen... i just had to ask so i interrupt the lap dance and ask her what happen since it looks pretty....well fresh. she proceeds to tell us over the music, that she just had a c section two weeks ago.. at first i thought that she sure looked good for just recently having a baby... then it happened....her breast started to leak all over matt. matt freaks and proceeds to basically throw her off him. of course, we are laughing our ass off. matt feels sick and is pissed off all to hell. needless to say, it is not going well.
since we paid for a hour and only 5 minutes has passed, i told the pimp to wake up the crack whore. at least we might get a good laugh out of this. the pimp proceed to help her up and she has mysteriously has produced a very long bull whip. she is hard to understand with the missing front teeth but, she proceeds to yell at the top of her lungs " i am a dominatrix. i am the queen of s and m" she tells us this as she can barely stand. once again, she is completely wasted. she walks over to matt and tells him to get on all fours. matt does what she says. she then ties his feet to his wrists like you would with cattle. matt 's ass is in the air and he is lying on the side of his face. she then proceeds to pull his pants down to expose his red hairy ass. we all laugh. she then says to us that she will whip him for every dollar we throw in the hat. as god is my witness , we thought she would whip him gently.... she backs up and gets a very odd look on her face... she sizes matt's ass up..backs up about 4 steps... takes 4 quick steps toward matt and cracks the whip against his ass. i can not tell you how well versed this cracked out chick was in the whipping arts. the whip cracks against matt's ass. it literally sounded like a fire cracker going off.
matt jumps up with enough force to break the leather ties around his wrists. screams like nothing i have ever heard before. with his pants down around his ankles he swings around and grabs the whip from our lovely lady and yells " are you frickin' crazy, you dumb bitch??!!!" she points at the ground and in her toothless gibberish says " get back down there and take your punishment" i step in before matt kills her. then it happens. a buddy of ours named steve says "hey, lets have a contest to see who can withstand the most whips for money!" i look at him like he is crazy... to my surprise they start pulling out their money. 200 hundred dollars goes into the pot. the first one up is panama joe.... a gay friend of matts who works with him. he pulls his pants down, bends over the couch. the toothless wonder cracks the whip against his ass. afetr one whip he is done and wants no more. she has preceeded to break the skin on matts ass and panama joes. they are literally bleeding.
four guys later, no one has withstood over 3 cracks of the whip. now, we get our little body jim to step up to the pump. you remember jim...the idiot who got these whores. three weeks before them party jim had a motorcyle accident which left him with a steel rod in his leg. he is on heavy pain killers and is smoking a joint on top of drinking heavy...somehow he is stll standing. he pulls his pants down and bends over. the winner must with stand 20 lashings....if you have seen roots the movie you will know the damage a bullwhip can do in the right hands. somehow, she had flawless technique. she cracks the whip 20 times against his ass. the whole time he is just smiling and sipping on a whiskey bottle. i notice he is bleeding and tell rob to stop her since he is closest to her. .......rob is to busy laughing his ass off. it is over. his ass looks like hamburger. he pulls his pants up and grabs his money. all is good in his world.... me, being the only sober one, tells rob to go get me some peroxide to put on his ass. he brings back 70% rubbing alc. i tell him to lie down on the kitchen tile and take his pants down. i pour a ample amount of alc on his battle scarred ass.. he still does not flinch.
we went out that night after words and it was pretty uneventful. matt couldnt sit by about mid night due to his encounter with the whip. the next morning at 9 we all agree to go to breakfast. we go to pick up jim...he is a mess. he can not walk and is lying on his stomach because the pain is too much....obviously the painkillers have wornoff. we take him to the emergency room. as i proceed to the desk, jim stops me and says "tell them i had a motorcycle accident and i skidded on my ass" the nurse asks me what happened to my friens i tell her "he was whipped by a prostitute using a bull whip" she looks at me like i am a idiot. she asks again.. . i tell her "he got whipped by a prostitute...how could i make that up???" she goes and gets a doctor and i see her whisper to him...he looks in my direction..laughs and waves us in to the room. as jim limps by me he said "did you tell them i had a motorcyle accident?" i nodded. the doctor looks at his ass and asks "how did this happen?" he knew full well but wanted to hear him say it. jim responds "my harley"..the doctor , without missing a beat says "well your girl harley sure knows how to use a bullwhip" jim looks at me and just lays his face in the pillow....a second later he looks up and says "fag"....he'll get over it .... by the way, all this that i am writing about was all videotaped. somer was even played at his wedding.....his wife was so proud...
Hahaha! but noone got laid? Awesome story! :D
well would you want to bang a crack whore and a girl who just had a c section with leaky tity's
i bet "cherry balls"(matt) was pissed!:D
Someone should have gotten some of that protien leaking out. Full blown nutrition. HEHEHE that is some funny azz chit. That will teach ya. MM:p
thats some funny shit man lmao im dieing here lol
And I thought I did some crazy things at parties! :D


What a night! A toothless prostitute and a lactating one. I've heard some wild/crazy stories, but this one takes the cake. A night one would never forget, even if you tried (video). Thanks for sharing that story, Lats. I certainly enjoyed it and needed a good laugh--I'm still shaking my head about it!

Make a movie from it

That was so funny, I'm sitting here laughing so hard I've got tears in my eyes!!! You should turn the video into a short film.
That by far was some of the funniest shit I ever heard. And all this time I thought that I've seen it all. I guess the stripper that can pick up a stack of quarters with her box and drop them out 1 at a time ins't as impresive as a jiberish speaking, whip wielding, toothless prostitue. Great shit.
That has got to be the funniest fucking story I have heard in a long long time, and knowing the St Louis area like I do, I believe every single fucking word.
Great story!

Those pain killers must have been good! I live up here in cow country and every once in a while some asshole shows up with a whip. I got hit once.......not cool. Sounds like you have some fun friends though!
Oh my god!!!!!

hahahahahaaha! shit! I just spent 4 days in New Orleans with 10 wild dudes on my bachelor party. I thought we got out of hand but nobody got bullwhipped! Holy shit! Thanks bro - CH

That is a classic. I can just picture a "toothless bearded hag" whipping some party boys. Tears are just rolling out of my eyes, right now. I would have loved to watch that.
oh shit, thats funny as hell

now you need to post some mpg's of it hahaha.


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