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Bigkiwi story on close up nz

The most stuffed up thing was when I was upset on camera that had nothing to do with my heart or dieing, it was because my councilor had said on camera I was abusedas a child that is so hard to hear. I just laugh about having a heart problem and dieing yet i cry about hearing that, thats just stuffed !!! :)

you are not the only one brother. i think it makes serious impact in our lives.
i remember feeling so weak. so vulnerable. i never wanted to feel weak again. i wanted everyone to be intimidated by me. and so i found weights and bodybuilding. and i built a body of armour to protect me. but, that body of armour eventually became a prison and i was trapped in the lifestyle.
now i have high blood pressure and did my kidneys some damage... i broke free from it all though thanks to my wife and daughter who i would do anything for. i don't know if i will always be clean but i will be clean today...

thanks for your honesty and your story Big Kiwi! RESPECT.
-JS
 
hang in there, brother

Thank you for sharing with us, Big Kiwi.

What you are going through now must be so horrible, but try to take it one day at a time and just focus on getting healthy physically and spiritually/mentally.

All the best and God bless,
testopung
 
you are not the only one brother. i think it makes serious impact in our lives.
i remember feeling so weak. so vulnerable. i never wanted to feel weak again. i wanted everyone to be intimidated by me. and so i found weights and bodybuilding. and i built a body of armour to protect me. but, that body of armour eventually became a prison and i was trapped in the lifestyle.
now i have high blood pressure and did my kidneys some damage... i broke free from it all though thanks to my wife and daughter who i would do anything for. i don't know if i will always be clean but i will be clean today...

thanks for your honesty and your story Big Kiwi! RESPECT.
-JS

It took the Birth of my son to get me to stop. I was on these boards for years and saw. Way to many people die. Makes me sad how bull headed the community is. A BB'er will die of some wierd heart/kidney thing at ~30 and the entire community attempts to blame Rec Drugs. Why do we keep pretending you can run your body on Rocket fuel and never pay the piper.
 
Abuse is what kills most .
Moderation is the key to success.
 
thanks for posting here BIGKIWI. but how much anabolic HGH and IGF did you take a week?
 
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My rec drug use would have killed most people this in extremes combined with all the bb drugs in extremes. fantasy litre week pure stuff, speed have no idea how much week up untill stopped about 8 years ago, ecstasy constantly most days heavy use in weekends 20-30 tablets of mostly pure mdma or mda per night !!
hey brother what is done is done. and most here have no business judging. but what has to be done now is scaling thing back to try to fix what has been done. you have a beautiful lady their if anything should want to hang around for her. and you have worked your ass off for you body that you have. even shedding 40lbs your still bigger then most. and it would be a shame to put all that work in the ground. so if there is chance to turn things around that's what you have to do. take care and good luck. myself and my wife will keep you in our thoughts.
 
:headbang:I AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT TOTALLY,STAY STRONG BIG KIWI AND DO WHAT MAKES YOUR HART HAPPY!

I agree to also to a point though. I would not ever stop for any reason either. But I dont think that his amounts that he has admitted to are that much out of the ordinary to a severe degree though. I would cut back to a gram of test and maybe a oral the first 4-6 weeks and that is what I would do If I was him at his size.

But I am to lazy and sometimes its unavailable to me or not worth the risk anyway. I hate injections and sometimes alot of times have to force myself to make the time to do them. I would rather eat and train instead. But I dont see 3grams fo test a few other goodies and massive amounts of food for a pro who makes his living or is sponsored as excessive abuse.

I also know lots of guys I grew up with who have abused for years and dont workout regularly or eat properly throwing their money away. To this day after 15yrs of abuse they are still do fine. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY JUST DO IT SMART BIG GUY WE WANT TO HAVE YOU AROUND FOR MANY YEARS TO COM. KEEP THE HONESTY AND HELP THAT YOU SO FREELY GIVE COMMING. THANKS AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. MM
 
really not trying to internet fight with you two but you stated ( imo the gear has nothing to do with it ) when it clearly has something to do with it. my response was fair as one can not negate the negative impact of steroids on the heart, as we have seen it time and time again even on this board. i am not trying to say it was the reason, as heavy rec drug use and weighing that much alone will put enormous strain on the heart. why would i be on the medias steroid bandwagon when ive been using for years? just because im not naive in thinking that this has no negative affect on my health?

to Justin, best of luck, keep your head up and you will find your way out of this soon enough.
 
It was the combination of everything that did it the rec drugs the gear all combined over the years, your body can only handle so much and I always have gone to extremes what ever I did.
 
It was the combination of everything that did it the rec drugs the gear all combined over the years, your body can only handle so much and I always have gone to extremes what ever I did.

Justin, I hope you read my post on the second page of this thread. Please let the people that love you help you through these dark times....Let them "build you up" in a different way....A way that loves you, doesn't judge you, nurtures you, and gives you all the emotional strength necessary. You are so much more than a guy with muscles....If you don't know what those things are, I'm sure they will be revealed in this next chapter of your life! :headbang: Good luck, you've got A LOT of people pulling for you!!
 
BIGKIWI

stay strong my friend. i wish you well in your recovery, and peace in all things.
 
Hi

Hi BIGKIWI,

You have proven yourself as big fella and mass monster. You are bigger than 99% of lifters. You have done great things, and achieved what most will never achieve in this sport which is respect and massive size with great genetics. I think most here will understand never looking big enough in the mirror, but most have not achieved your size. I pray that you find peace and health. If you ever need anything just let us know, there is a great group here and will do everything in our power to help you out..

Take Care,
Scott
 
I appreciate all the help and support from my bro's I am on the right track to recovery and may need some support along the way :):) thanks guys
 
Thank you Bigkiwi for sharing everything with us. You are truly a strong man and I respect you for speaking your mind.
 
BigKiwi,

Thank you. It took serious balls to do those interviews, and even more serious balls to get on this board and follow up, being open and honest. My hat is off to you.

I hope I'm not out of line with this question: do you have any suggestions to help other guys deal with childhood abuse, whether it was physical or emotional abuse?
 
The one thing I do think helps deal with child hood abuse is to talk about it either with councillor etc or person you trust. It is amazing how it effects us for the rest of our lives. It is not easy to forgive and we never forget but if you can come to some peace it definitely does help :):)
 
Thanks, brother.

I wish you nothing the best in your journey, and I hope you find that peace.
 
Kiwi,

My own journey parrallels yours in some ways and seperates in from it in others. I did not actually do AS until my mid 40s. But I had a long history of recreational drug use and alcohol that must have provided some relief or at least a deter from the brokeness within myself that can be traced way back into my childhood as well. I was in one side of the business for many years and probably achieved similiar success ( all though I count it all pretty much loss today ) on that side of the business as you had on the competition side. I had access for many years to everything I wanted in the way of AS and almost anything else. One aquaintence who shared in my early experiences to some degree was STK. He was a good man who like me was reasonably succesful at what we did and had enough access on a continual basis to AS to hurt himself. He died a cardiac death and his loss was stunning to many of us who knew him back then. That was many years ago and since that time many more young men have been lost becuase of excessive steroid use ( or use of high level AS with prexisting risk factors ).

I have no idea how far off I am in this statement and I say it knowing it has no real basis other then a thought that came to me in relationship to my own weaknesses and struggle. I do not really follow UFC but have been curious looking at Lesner the last couple years and when I saw he lost yesterday and looked at a little footage I thought in a synical way, wells hes probably had to go natural now. Maybe really unfair to use him like that but thats what I thought and I mention it because I know for me personally whether it is increased performance in athletics or increased performance socially or professionally nothing beats testosterone. The problem is what happens when in order to save yourself you have to allow yourself to become more like everybody else and like the phuckup you always knew yourself to be. ( I am speaking for myself ) How on earth when you are getting your ass kicked again in life can you resist the temptation to cheat at life?

That was my dilema, knowing that my chances of getting popped peddling AS were seemingly less than my chances of dying from AS, how do I break free and not revert back into the hole that I had climbed out of.

My problem all along was spiritual and most of the injuries to my inner being were caused by others in life who have the same problem. I also come from a family where nobody within the family had a belief in God and therefore they were not really able to point me in that direction. I am convinced that because they were not weakened through lifes traumatic experiences early on as I was they seemingly were not as desperately in need of help as I was. Even today most of my family seem to be experiencing life with little need for forgiveness or God. In fact they would rather not hear about God. I am sure most people who read this may also feel turned off by my solution. But I am not really ashamed to say, yes but you are not really anymore capaple of solving my problems then I was.

Kiwi,

I personally found the power to resist the temptations to go back in a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. The only thing I can add is that the longer I stay in the position of surrender and dependence on God the more I become so aware of the lifelong issues within me that never got right and were merely buried and never resolved. I am truly one screwed up person with very little capacity to love or serve others. And that is the truth. It is frightening to think back on my life and all the things I did and that I never paid for and never could make right. But one think I need to add is that by accepting Christ I accepted forgiveness from God and despite the insecurity of not being able to prove any of this I know that after enough time I am aware that I have not only been forgiven but I have been changed.

This is the solution for me. I do not post here much because I was not such an expert in use and mostly I used the boards for gain.

I wish you, your girl, and your friends and family the very best. I found the power with Jesus and with juice. I like jesus better. But regardless of where you find your answers, there will not be peace until you stop trying to cheat your way. You will get your ass kicked as Lesner did, but thats life and everyone gets their ass kicked.

Look up and forward as there is not much value in looking down or behind anymore. You are obviously a good guy and an honest guy. Keep it up. You are on the right track.

Finally I do not want anyone to think I am free of a need for testosterone. I have been on HRT for 6 years and without it life gets awful dreary. I have no idea whether someday I can be free of this need, but medically and spiritually today it soes not seem possible.

Raskan
 
Very Sad!!!

I wonder how many more bodybuilders are suffering from the same psychological disorder?
Is he still using steroids? The stroy didn't say weather he stopped or not? All it said was how he "reluctantly shed 20 kilos" and is practicing kung-fu?!
 
It was the combination of everything that did it the rec drugs the gear all combined over the years, your body can only handle so much and I always have gone to extremes what ever I did.

i am a addict with 11 years clean, well besides the oil. i would take anything i could get my hands on and i go to extremes also. food, porn, juice, drugs, very hard for me to just have a little of anything. i can read people well, you seem like a really great guy. i hope your feeling better big dog.
 
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