Dealing with and overcoming jealousy

[Frank-Oh]

Looking for some advice on jealousy, how to cope, how to get over it, how to disregard it.

I guess I can elaborate more, if I need to.

 

[deltaguy]

maturity - as in getting older

stay off the juice - find an ugly girl to date - stay single


seriously though... if you can elaborate it maybe easier to provide some options...

 

[morepain]

yeah i agree, stay single, once you care about someone its hard not to be jealous, especially if they are very attractive and much younger...damn i guess thats my problem anyway not sure if it relates to yours.

 

[Frank-Oh]

Thing is I was never jealous over my wife. It has sort of manifested itself recently. For a long while now I've been unhappy in my marriage. But the jealousy started way after I made that realization. My wife is really pretty, a bit over weight for a lot of peoples standards...but she is still an attention magnet. Kind of fucked up but I assess her against other women, she is 99% of the time the prettiest girl in the spot. She can be really social in group gatherings, but not the type to make friends. She is also overly nice, she won't walk away from an uncomfortable situation.

I think it started when she thought I was cheating on her, I wasn't but I had made a female friend. She was just a friend, but try and explain that to your wife. Long story short I cut that out and have been good since. Then things got weird a year ago she pretty much showed me that she could turn off her love for me. It may be a facade but damned if she ain't good at it. What really bothers me is that I'm unhappy with her, and when we fight its like I want nothing to do with her - ever again. I have kids and it helps me sift through the bullshit, I have on many occasions opted to stay for them.

There is a dude in our group of friends that I suspect likes her. I mean I may be overplaying it in my head.. For example, this has happened in one way or another every time i've hung out with the dude.. All the dudes are outside, having a beer, some smoke, talking shit etc.. The girls are inside talking girl stuff, playing with the kids, whatever.. Then this dude goes inside and hangs with the girls.. He is there playing with my kids, and sort of forces my wife to separate from the group.. So the kids are outside, she is outside, everyone else is inside.. I'm walking around and I'm like only two people missing.. I need to pop up, hang around and suddenly its like odd silence. My mother says my face can kill, so I'm sure I walk in the spot looking like I want to pop someones arms off and beat em with em.. She has said shit (when she thought I was cheating) that has stuck with me since.. Other stupid shit, like how she talks to people on the phone and smiles at the people in public, or even how she talks to people in public..she isn't like that with me anymore if ever at all.

I'm sure age plays a big role, we got married really young. I also know all her past, disgusting details and ludicrous reactions she has made to situations. A lot of it is bullshit, I know it is. But she doesn't and has never budged..

Next time I'm not going to go out looking for her, let her handle it on her own. I don't want to act jealous.. I've realized nothing is permanent in life and I can't act like I own anything.. But this is the one thing that makes me flip..it makes me feel short changed. Like i'm being suckered. If I get cheated on i'll probably have to do some time, and as articulate as I am I'd have no problem sitting around in a concrete room. I just don't want that to happen, since as it is every little thing makes me want to leave her.

Who knows, maybe it's that I'm really madly in love and in denial?

 

[deltaguy]

Bottom line is respect, Brother. Both ways.

You should both be able to treat each other with respect which equals trusting that each other will do the right thing at all times, for each other. Period.

Yeah, sure.... she may like the attention she gets from someone right now because for the reasons you currently think are justified you don't give her enough.

If you really think she (and your kids) are worth it.... swallow your pride, Bro and be a real man. Approach the subject (the wife and her feelings) with an open mind. Ask her to tell you what is wrong and ask how you can help fix things. Ask her what her expectations are going forward. Really listen to what she has to say. Tell her you respect her feelings and then share your feelings, fears, expectations with her. Besides honesty and respect, communication is key in a successful and rewarding relationship.

I know this all too well. I am divorced for all the wrong reasons. I was never man enough and honest enough with myself. This robbed me of a good marriage with a good woman.

However, I have finally met someone (10 years younger) whom I trust completely and she does the same with me. The only reason we are so successful and happy together is communication. Period. We respect each other and we both know we would never do anything to hurt the other because we talk about it. We are open and honest about our fears, expectations and desires.

On a side note, maybe you can ask your wife to read "men are from mars and women are from venus". Great book. I believe one reason why my relationship is so rewarding now is due to us both reading that book. I read it after my first marriage and my fiance read it last year after a long but miserable relationship.

Bottom line is, don't do anything stupid. Your kid's respect and admiration should be held above all us. You spending a day in jail will undermine that quicker than anything and no broad is worth your ass spending a single day in jail.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

I used to be one very jealous mean mother fucker! (no other way to put it -sorry folks) It got to the point where I was second guessing everything my wife did. There was nothing that she ever did to me. It was all me! 100% all me.

She never gave me a reason no to trust her. But I had the wondering eye and even cheated on my wife. She found out, we argued. We both sat down and talked it out and she forgave me. (this was years ago) It takes a very strong christian woman to sit down and talk with you and forgive you even after you did her dirty! I am very greatful that she gave me a second chance. To this day I am still a bit jealous and I tell her, but I tell her I am jealous because she is so beautiful and I am so lucky to have her that I don't want to share her with anyone in this world. (that makes her laugh)

Frank-oh, my advice to you is to openly talk to her. Tell her you love her. Let her know you are jealous of her because of her body and beauty. Let her feel your love and protection for her, "but in a good way". Be very open with her bro. The one thing that makes women love their men again is when they talk openly to them. Be honest. Tell her your joys and fears. Tell her your likes and dislikes. Let her know what's on your mind and heart!

If you can't be open by yourself then see a marriage counselor. YOU BE THE ONE TO MAKE THE MOVE FIRST! Then she'll see your serious about your marriage. A counselor will help you talk to her. Bring out what's inside of you.


She sounds like a beautiful and giving wife. Do everything you need to do in order to wheen back her love brother.
________________________________________________

As for your friend who always dissapears during the parties, I wouldn't trust my brother around my wife let alone my best friend. F-K that! "BUT" as long as your wife is cool with it, and she knows if anything to come tell you if he gets out of line then don't let it stress you. Trust your wife more then your best friend and you'll see how many less headaches in life you will have.

The very best to you in your marriage my friend!

 

[OuchThatHurts]

How do you feel about yourself right now?
Do you feel you are good-looking?
Do you feel she's "out of your league?"
Is she more outgoing than you?
Do you wish you were more outgoing?
Are you professionally and financially secure?
Is she pleased with your sex life?
Are you?
You say she doesn't give you the attention she once did. Do you give her the same attention you once did? Do you have quality time together?

You have to look at you, her, and you and her together. What can you do better? What can she do better? What can you both do to better your relationship?

Once you are secure in those three things (YOU, her, and your relationship), jealousy will disappear.

All I hear now is doubt, lack of communication, and insecurity. Those are some big relationship killers right there so be cautious.

 

[oldfella]

I used to be one very jealous mean mother fucker! (no other way to put it -sorry folks) It got to the point where I was second guessing everything my wife did. There was nothing that she ever did to me. It was all me! 100% all me.

She never gave me a reason no to trust her. But I had the wondering eye and even cheated on my wife. She found out, we argued. We both sat down and talked it out and she forgave me. (this was years ago) It takes a very strong christian woman to sit down and talk with you and forgive you even after you did her dirty! I am very greatful that she gave me a second chance. To this day I am still a bit jealous and I tell her, but I tell her I am jealous because she is so beautiful and I am so lucky to have her that I don't want to share her with anyone in this world. (that makes her laugh)

Frank-oh, my advice to you is to openly talk to her. Tell her you love her. Let her know you are jealous of her because of her body and beauty. Let her feel your love and protection for her, "but in a good way". Be very open with her bro. The one thing that makes women love their men again is when they talk openly to them. Be honest. Tell her your joys and fears. Tell her your likes and dislikes. Let her know what's on your mind and heart!

If you can't be open by yourself then see a marriage counselor. YOU BE THE ONE TO MAKE THE MOVE FIRST! Then she'll see your serious about your marriage. A counselor will help you talk to her. Bring out what's inside of you.


She sounds like a beautiful and giving wife. Do everything you need to do in order to wheen back her love brother.
________________________________________________

As for your friend who always dissapears during the parties, I wouldn't trust my brother around my wife let alone my best friend. F-K that! "BUT" as long as your wife is cool with it, and she knows if anything to come tell you if he gets out of line then don't let it stress you. Trust your wife more then your best friend and you'll see how many less headaches in life you will have.

The very best to you in your marriage my friend!

Boom, Good post bro, my thoughts exactly. Open up the communication and be honest with her!!

 

[OuchThatHurts]

I wouldn't trust my brother around my wife let alone my best friend. F-K that! "BUT" as long as your wife is cool with it, and she knows if anything to come tell you...

I disagree with ya oldfella. While some of this post is definitely food for thought (it was all me, see a counselor, etc.) the rest is not good at all. Especially the above comment. He's telling someone who doesn't trust how to trust? That seems like the blind leading the blind. And his jealousy more likely stems from the fact that he himself has been unfaithful and has projected his unfaithfulness onto his wife!

Nothing against you BOOM, you know that but your post throws you in the same boat as the guy who started this thread and you should follow some of that advice yourself.

No wonder you're jealous! You don't trust your family and friends around your wife and you have a bad history of trustworthiness yourself!

I'm telling you guys, and all the other jealous and insecure people reading htis thread: You have to be secure and be able to trust before you can have any kind of peace in any relationship. Cmon... you guys know this.

 

[morepain]

Ouch, ii really like your style, you have said some things that i have read that might not have been what i WANTED to hear but were exactly what i needed to hear. Sometimes we project our own issues onto others i know i am guilty of it and i am just now starting to come to terms with it.

 

[dallascowboys]

hey i've been there and like everybody else says, you just have to be mature about it. When i first dating my girl 4 years ago i was a very jealous person and didnt like her hanging out with any guys even though they were no threat. But before her i had gone through ALOT of shit from other dumb bitches that didnt treat me well so it was understandable. Anywayz love can conquer all, i grew out of the jealous stage and other bad habits and now i could give a shit less who she hangs out with lol. AFter four freaking years we are still together and very happy.

SO JUST BE POSITIVE, TRUST YOUR GIRL, TRUST YOURSELF AND YOU WILL HAVE A GREAT AND LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIP! thanks

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

I disagree with ya oldfella. While some of this post is definitely food for thought (it was all me, see a counselor, etc.) the rest is not good at all. Especially the above comment. He's telling someone who doesn't trust how to trust? That seems like the blind leading the blind. And his jealousy more likely stems from the fact that he himself has been unfaithful and has projected his unfaithfulness onto his wife!

Nothing against you BOOM, you know that but your post throws you in the same boat as the guy who started this thread and you should follow some of that advice yourself.

No wonder you're jealous! You don't trust your family and friends around your wife and you have a bad history of trustworthiness yourself!

I'm telling you guys, and all the other jealous and insecure people reading htis thread: You have to be secure and be able to trust before you can have any kind of peace in any relationship. Cmon... you guys know this.

OTH, my point was in my life I never trust anyone but the person I am sleeping with. And that happenes to be my wife. For Frank, I was simply implying, trust no one but your wife once they two have gotten to a point in their marriage that they feel as one. That was my only point there.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

OTH, my point was in my life I never trust anyone but the person I am sleeping with. And that happenes to be my wife. For Frank, I was simply implying, trust no one but your wife once they two have gotten to a point in their marriage that they feel as one. That was my only point there.

Yes BOOM, I see what you're implying there. Awful. I have come to find that people are generally trustworthy given the chance and the knowledge that you have put trust in them and they KNOW it. And the person you're sleeping with? Well unless you've been with that person for considerable time, 99% of the time that's the last person you should trust. What about family? What about friends? Your doctor? Your priest or rabbi?

It's a terrible thing, the idea that you can only trust one person in your life. I think you're almost in the same boat as the guy who started the thread. He's feeling jealousy which is almost always from insecurity and/or an inability to trust and you trust nobody.

- same deal.

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

OTH, I think you're reading way to much into my "exact" words. But fare enough, I will let this lay here. Everyone is certainly always welcomed to their opinions my friend. ( I come from a diffrent side of the tracks then most, so no disrespect meant bro and I respect your professionalism)

 

[OuchThatHurts]

OTH, I think you're reading way to much into my "exact" words. But fare enough, I will let this lay here. Everyone is certainly always welcomed to their opinions my friend. ( I come from a diffrent side of the tracks then most, so no disrespect meant bro and I respect your professionalism)

Not to try your patience but I think this is a good thing for you to start building on. I am reading because I see what you're typing. What you're typing is that you don't trust anyone. I don't care what side of the tracks you come from, it's still not good for you, as a person to be so mistrustful. Everybody comes from a different side of the tracks and everyone's life has ups and downs and middles. Do you trust me? Do you think that I would ever tell you something that I believe would be bad for you? Of course I wouldn't. I'm telling you that it is not just an opinion of mine. It's a fact that you need to try to regain some trust in people. You must be under constant suspicion of everyone and everything around you. That would be horrible! And if your aren't than you're putting a lot more trust in people than what your posts are saying because you're trusting your bank tellers, cashiers, the engineer that designed the tires on your car, etc.

All I'm saying is that there's nothing to lay here. This is just one member giving another member some advice. That advice is that you need to work on your trust issues. At the very least, trust this: I'm not calling you out, I'm not putting you down. I'm not trying be Mr. Bigshot. Nothing like this. I've seen you on the boards for a long time now and you're a cool joe. I'm just doing what I'm here to do (it's kinda a job but it pays zilch).

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

OTH, understood my friend. If our paths ever cross it would be my pleasure to pick your brain on a few prof. issues and pick up the tab for a nice steak and beer! (or sushi and wine)

 

[oldfella]

Once again OTH you are on the money. While i agreed with the communicating with your significant other and be open and honest, you are quite right in the issue of trust/mistrust! I do have a policy of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and until proven wrong i have this trust. Some abuse it and I leave it there and others do the right thing and continue to enjoy the trusting relationship. But it is no good going through life thinking that everyone is out to get you or mislead you in some way. Especially in the relationship department. One thing I have learned, from my many mistakes, in relationships is that open and honest communication has to there. Absolute trust in your partner must also be there. Until they give you reason to doubt this then you need to trust them. Be secure with your trust and do not create reasons to betray or question that trust. Since the subject of cheating has been mentioned, it takes a special person to be able to trust someone that has cheated on them. The trust has been broken and many can never overcome this. This leads to feelings of jealousy everytime he/she even looks at someone else or let alone has friends of the opposite sex. You must learn to either let it go or deal with it the right way. Counselling is one way but both need to agree to it. So this brings us back to communication at a higher level. In order for both to agree to anything communication on an open, equal and honest scale needs to take place. IT is one of the steps to building or regaining trust.

 

[bigshadow]

I'm no expert...but...in my eyes...there are deeper issues here than jealousy.
To me...jealousy=fear. Fear of getting hurt. Being rejected. Being alone...
Follow the line of fear...from one point to the next...until you get to the ultimate fear driving all the rest.

You love this person so much that you would kill another man...and yet you say you sometimes get so angry that you never want to see her again... If you are feeling this...then think that she may be feeling this as well...
Love is a choice. Not an emotion. It can often become more difficult to love someone when the honeymoon ends. To love someone even when you don't feel like loving them.
This is just my opinion.

My strong spiritual life has eliminated a great deal of the jealousy in my life as well as has increased my self-esteem and allowed me to overcome my fears. I don't have these problems anymore, b/c I have put God first in my life...in front of my wife or girlfriend... Maybe religion is not for everyone, but it sure has been great therapy. When I start to feel something getting to me, then I ask myself am I currently "centered" on God?

That's it for my religious speel...lol... just food for thought...

Like other's have said, I would recommend marriage counseling where you guys can both work on these issues. It sounds like you lack peace of mind right now...and that can be an awful thing! Every person on this earth has experienced it. You've already made the first step by reaching out and not keeping this suppressed inside. So keep moving forward...

 

[Frank-Oh]

I've been reading just not much to say, guess I'm just absorbing.

For what it's worth, the times I was considered to be unfaithful we were not together. As in we were separated waiting on divorce papers. Two counselors, both said we should separate and do the best we can for our kids - fuck them. I have many issues, I started young so I have a bit of resent. I always thought I was living balls to the wall no regrets...turns out I've just been stashing shit at the bottom of the closet, 8 years of unhappiness builds a bit of tension.

Is it wrong that the way I see her is as a female figure for my kids to follow? Someone to REALLY be interested in what I've been up to and how im doing - maybe see if I need a little help. Seems like when she asks about me it's so she can get attention from me because obviously I need to respond. I have two little girls, to me their mom should be whom they mimic in life. My wife ain't NOTHING like my mother. My mother is a hardcore lady, no bullshit. So I'm starting to think that it's a combination of fear and insecurity like it's been suggested.

Fear that my wife will say fuck it to me and my shit despite everything (i think) i've done for us. I'm constantly getting the "im under appreciated" crap from her but when I bring it up on my end I'm speaking out of my ass. I can't even let the thought of another dude taking my place at the house where my children rest their heads. I guess I'm a bit of a hot head and sort of a pig too..but I'm ok with that. But then again, maybe I'm wrong for thinking that I should have a woman that tolerates/understand the way I think.

I have more to say but then it will sort of unravel into different things..so i'll refrain.

thanks for the point of views guys..

/feeling like the largest glans on the planet.

 

[bigshadow]

How goes things Frank-Oh?

I know just how hard all of this can be and I want you to know that I've been keeping you in my prayers. Everyone has fears in life and she has her own set as well...whether she wants to own it or not. You have taken ownership of yours, however, and I think it will help you more than you know.

To me it sort of sounds like you guys are having trouble communicating? I want you to always keep this in your mind. "Do the unexpected."
If I were in your shoes, and I really wanted to get somewhere with this then I would find a moment when the two of you can talk and then I would open up to her and expose yourself about your fear. Sit her down and tell her that you are trying to work on facing your fears and that one big fear you have is that she will leave you for another man. Tell her that you feel you feel bad for whatever it is that you feel you've not done the best job at. How you treat her or your children or whatever you feel most guilty about. Just totally expose yourself. By doing this you will not only overcome this fear, but you are inviting her to open up to you and expose her fear as well. You've gotta do this when you have 100% of her attention. So put the kids to bed first.
You don't have to say the right words either. You might start out by saying, I have something I want to talk to you about but I'm not quite sure how to say it. The important thing is that you are opening up and reaching out to her and that your trying. She may not want to own up to her fear of you cheating on her again...which is fine. Don't put pressure on her. If she doesn't have much to say, then just tell her you wanted to get this off your chest and let it sit with her for a while.
I think your totally right in that you want your children to have a role model like your wife. You want them to take some of your good as well though...and I know there is a lot of good inside of you to give them. So start there and see what happens. I will pray for you and keep you in my prayers throughout the week.
There may also be some other insecurities, but those can be worked out with time.
Good luck! God Speed!