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i am almost ready to reurn to PM

aeliop

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But first I would like to clear the air and speak to you all from my heart. I want to give you some insight into not only my situation but into me the man. If after you all still want me then I will gladly come back if not I fully understand and will head off into the sunset.

First let me say that the image that I have portrayed to you all on here Is not exactly true. Parts of it might be true or it might have been me 5 or 10 years ago but for the most part I haven't been the logical, caring, loving, somewhat intelligent, good husband father on a consistant basis in years.
For awhile I have been abusive, manipulative, controling to Marilyn and havn't had a very good relationship with my kids in some time. A great deal of that had to do with what they were seeing me do to their Mother on a daily basis.

For many years I have had emotional problems and maybe even a chemical imbalance. A long time ago they were just little things but I ignored them. When Marilyn would suggest me getting help I would snarl at her once in my craziness I became convinced that she wanted to drug me into a vegetable. For years the little things kept chipping away at the foundation of my life. Long time friends started distancing themselves from and then not returning my calls. The little problems were getting bigger, Marilyn as always begged me to get help I swore she was nagging me and I swore she was the root of all my problems. As more and more things stopped going my way I was sure somehow Marilyn had something to do with it. Mind you this behaivor wasn't constant it would come up from time to time other times I would be the best guy father husband you would ever see. In the career I was in from my late 20's through my early 30's I was considered a prodigy. I was accepted to the EDS system engineering program, I wrote a program and system for General Motors that 45 minutes of work time reducing key strokes by I have long fogoten the number. But back then the issues were smaller and far less frequent. Lockheed Martin thought so highly of me that they gave me a big bonus to move to Orlando. As the issues got worse the life long friends started bailing left and right. Marilyn and I would get invited to weddings and we be seated with strangers because no one wanted to sit near me. Job performance was the next thing that started to slip. I couldn't concentrate as well lost interest in what I was doing. Hated my boss the copier whatever... I would come home at night angry and guess who was there to take it....good ole Marilyn. I can go on and on but I think you get the picture. I never got help and got fixed I got worse and worse. I burned everything in my path and the last outpost was Marilyn and my marriage. Like any great tragedy I finally destroyed that and now here I am. I am living in Jacksonville with my mother in my old room. I am driving her car around during the day because when I was still in Orlando I blew the motor up on my Jeep. I packed up as much stuff as I could in my Motorcycle and road it here to Jax. I don't have a computer so I use the public library when I need the use of a computer. So yes at the moment I am close to rock bottom and my Marriage like the Kiwi bird is never coming back. There is a bright side though my pridicament that I am in is 100% caused by me. No one put me here I did and I recognize that. That is a good thing I am ready to man up and take responsibilty for what I am and what I have done. I am now pouring all of my energy in fixing myself so I can return to living a productive life and be the man that I should be. My kids and dogs are here with me for awile and I started therapy. I am in pretty good shape physically I was tested yesterday with the 10 point calipers and @ 202lbs I was 7.2 percent bodyfat. I joined World Gym and quite a few male and female competitors train here including Dexter Jackson. They almost have me talked into doing Dex's show in 7 weeks. If my therapist okays and I am not back in UNIX Engineering then I think I can do it.

As far as Marilyn goes well I did a lot of bad things to her and because of me something we both must live with. I regret that my marriage to her is over and that I can never atone for what I did. The only thing I can do is give her the easiest best divorce possible. The last thing I want is for her to leave the marriage in worst shape then she entered. If I have to work 10 jobs I will make sure she has all she needs.
One last note to Jason Iabadman this guy put his heart and soul into me and he really believed in me. He defended me against others who didn't like my act and put his rep on the line to defend me against them. He also poured a ton of love time and effort into me and I burned him. So I think everyone knows the type of guy Jason is and it probably doesn't mean much but I am sorry for burning you and getting you involved in my sickness.

That is all I got brothers and sisters that is my soul
 

Johnny Smiles

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scrapper13

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It takes a man to admit what you just did and it sounds like you are on the right track. Before you can love others in your life you first have to love yourself. I'm glad you are taking the necessary steps to correct your issues. I have had similar problems in the past that cost me a girl i really cared about. This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done, but it will also be the most worthwhile.
 

aussiebulldog

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a courageous post.
 

PHIL HERNON

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Jun 6, 2002
Messages
14,932
Well

But first I would like to clear the air and speak to you all from my heart. I want to give you some insight into not only my situation but into me the man. If after you all still want me then I will gladly come back if not I fully understand and will head off into the sunset.

First let me say that the image that I have portrayed to you all on here Is not exactly true. Parts of it might be true or it might have been me 5 or 10 years ago but for the most part I haven't been the logical, caring, loving, somewhat intelligent, good husband father on a consistant basis in years.
For awhile I have been abusive, manipulative, controling to Marilyn and havn't had a very good relationship with my kids in some time. A great deal of that had to do with what they were seeing me do to their Mother on a daily basis.

For many years I have had emotional problems and maybe even a chemical imbalance. A long time ago they were just little things but I ignored them. When Marilyn would suggest me getting help I would snarl at her once in my craziness I became convinced that she wanted to drug me into a vegetable. For years the little things kept chipping away at the foundation of my life. Long time friends started distancing themselves from and then not returning my calls. The little problems were getting bigger, Marilyn as always begged me to get help I swore she was nagging me and I swore she was the root of all my problems. As more and more things stopped going my way I was sure somehow Marilyn had something to do with it. Mind you this behaivor wasn't constant it would come up from time to time other times I would be the best guy father husband you would ever see. In the career I was in from my late 20's through my early 30's I was considered a prodigy. I was accepted to the EDS system engineering program, I wrote a program and system for General Motors that 45 minutes of work time reducing key strokes by I have long fogoten the number. But back then the issues were smaller and far less frequent. Lockheed Martin thought so highly of me that they gave me a big bonus to move to Orlando. As the issues got worse the life long friends started bailing left and right. Marilyn and I would get invited to weddings and we be seated with strangers because no one wanted to sit near me. Job performance was the next thing that started to slip. I couldn't concentrate as well lost interest in what I was doing. Hated my boss the copier whatever... I would come home at night angry and guess who was there to take it....good ole Marilyn. I can go on and on but I think you get the picture. I never got help and got fixed I got worse and worse. I burned everything in my path and the last outpost was Marilyn and my marriage. Like any great tragedy I finally destroyed that and now here I am. I am living in Jacksonville with my mother in my old room. I am driving her car around during the day because when I was still in Orlando I blew the motor up on my Jeep. I packed up as much stuff as I could in my Motorcycle and road it here to Jax. I don't have a computer so I use the public library when I need the use of a computer. So yes at the moment I am close to rock bottom and my Marriage like the Kiwi bird is never coming back. There is a bright side though my pridicament that I am in is 100% caused by me. No one put me here I did and I recognize that. That is a good thing I am ready to man up and take responsibilty for what I am and what I have done. I am now pouring all of my energy in fixing myself so I can return to living a productive life and be the man that I should be. My kids and dogs are here with me for awile and I started therapy. I am in pretty good shape physically I was tested yesterday with the 10 point calipers and @ 202lbs I was 7.2 percent bodyfat. I joined World Gym and quite a few male and female competitors train here including Dexter Jackson. They almost have me talked into doing Dex's show in 7 weeks. If my therapist okays and I am not back in UNIX Engineering then I think I can do it.

As far as Marilyn goes well I did a lot of bad things to her and because of me something we both must live with. I regret that my marriage to her is over and that I can never atone for what I did. The only thing I can do is give her the easiest best divorce possible. The last thing I want is for her to leave the marriage in worst shape then she entered. If I have to work 10 jobs I will make sure she has all she needs.
One last note to Jason Iabadman this guy put his heart and soul into me and he really believed in me. He defended me against others who didn't like my act and put his rep on the line to defend me against them. He also poured a ton of love time and effort into me and I burned him. So I think everyone knows the type of guy Jason is and it probably doesn't mean much but I am sorry for burning you and getting you involved in my sickness.

That is all I got brothers and sisters that is my soul
You are a great man T........Marilyn is a great lady...I think you both are better off now........start over, let her start over.........I think highly of you both and I am so sorry things turned out this way.....welcome back
 

BigChef

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Feb 26, 2009
Messages
6,088
Bro,

That takes alot of courage to write that. I feel for you Tony. I know exactly how you feel. I can be such a grumpy arrogant guy and get very angry very easily. I also can be a control freak and want everything my way but I realised I was a selfish prick. But as I have lost alot of weight, my attitude change and becoming a better person. I would never ever hurt my wife but when I am moody I do treat my wife like shit. I regret that. I have to make it work and make her happy. No excuses on my part. I was child abused, sex molested and it didnt destroy me but made me a stronger guy I am today. I try my best day by day. Put my wife first and then my Professional job. Tony, I except you just the way you are. There is always something good in everybody lives.
Get yourself fix up bro and find out what's bothering you. Marilyn cares about you and want what's best for you but it fell on deaf ears. I know it's hard what you are going through but it's not the end of the world my friend.
Dont put yourself down brother. I know what divorce is like because I have been there done that. It hurts it really does. It took me a few years to recover and get over it and move on.

Tony, we missed you here and your great sense of humour. I am here for you mate and I would give you a man hug and say everything will be all right for you. Stay strong and stay close to the Lord.

Love you mate,

Chef
 

myosin

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Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
2,001
It's a Process...

Hi Tony,

Thanks alot for this. You could have just "come back" to PM without sharing any of this and no one would be more the wiser. If anything, posting this does a lot for Marilyn as she recently came under some fire.

It's not easy to say, "I'm wrong"... or "I need help", etc. It can be especially difficult when our "reputation" is on the line. We all fall into the worldly trap of having some kind of "image" out there and hoping for others to "look up" to us or "admire" the life we have. Then, to complicate things more, to say part of this could possibly be r/t a chemical imbalance of some sort is especially hard b/c despite all that we know there is still a stigma associated with such issues.

Tony, I don't know you from Adam, but from what's worth, you are on the right track... and THAT is what matters. Adversity will come to all, in different forms and shapes... but not everyone will overcome. This is also a time that you can still set a strong example for your children. "Dad is trying to grow. He's trying to change."

Also- you have shown here what it is to be a "real man"... to say, "I'm wrong" and take full ownership of it. Everyone wants to pass the buck, make excuses, and so on. That kind of mentality will take you far in your growth. I hope others reading this will grow from it as well.

So, unless someone else has posted something while I've written this, allow me the honor to be the first to say, "Welcome back... now let's get to work!"
 

wasp

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Nov 19, 2009
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1,172
damn, we are all cut from the same fin mold..........im a pos most of the time for sure.................we are all products of what we've gone thru............is this something that can be corrected by a sit down chat or a pill? i am a doubter

what makes it hard is women never forget, or let things go like we do.............

we've all been wrong and will be again, good luck brutha

"how can you love when you dont love yourself" im not really sure i know what it is other than a word, and there isnt a damn thing i can do about it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXAU4MmMIMo
 
Last edited:

bigfatandugly

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May 5, 2006
Messages
508
good luck to you both.

i hope you each find the peace and happiness you both deserve.
 

SisyphusRocks

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Oct 28, 2008
Messages
207
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through and I'm sure it's not easy. It sounds like you're
getting back on the right track so hang in there.
Each day is a chance to improve and being able to
see & understand your mistakes much less admit
to them isn't easy either.
Set some goals for yourself and focus on the positive to help stay mentally strong.
I wish the best of luck to you.
 

jalsmiley

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Apr 25, 2009
Messages
966
hey bro, i hope things going forward turn out better and sounds like you are in a place now to make that happen! good post and hope the best for you!
 

b-boy

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You are a great man T........Marilyn is a great lady...I think you both are better off now........start over, let her start over.........I think highly of you both and I am so sorry things turned out this way.....welcome back
ditto, can't add much more to that, good post phil and that sums up my feelings as well! welcome back tony, and very very heart felt post bro. RESPECT!
 

FordTurboDiesel

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Messages
376
Tony. IMO. This is some highly personal shit that a lot would like to help you with but airing it publicly Im not so certain is the proper road Bro! IMHO.

Ask yourself. What good does it do for others to know this kind of information?
It DOESN'T.

No one here has lost any respect for you. You might be down, but we've all been there. No respectful man loses confidence in another when they are down, but man loses respect when you don't pick yourself up and wallow in pity! Now is the time to do it. You recognize your position. You acknowledge your flaws and have seen where they can take you.

Pick your ass up. Get your ass back on here and continue with the friendships you have embraced!

Shake it off piece by piece.
I know we're not close dude...but really. Embrace your friends, your new found wisdom into those things you've done wrong and let the Lord power you through the sludge if you believe! If you don't...all I can say is lean on the people who fight for you.

Good luck. I don't know whether I hurt or helped...but I know pain and it's the most God awful thing to swallow every second of the day.
 

ironwill

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Time to start fresh Tony......a good quote to think of while changing your life and moving forward........

"Dont let my past dictate who i am, but let it be a part of who i have become"...

Unfortunately sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to appreciate what is truly important in life...I know i had my wake up call many yrs ago now, and im a much better man for it today.....
 

ironwill

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Tony. IMO. This is some highly personal shit that a lot would like to help you with but airing it publicly Im not so certain is the proper road Bro! IMHO.

Ask yourself. What good does it do for others to know this kind of information?
It DOESN'T.

No one here has lost any respect for you. You might be down, but we've all been there. No respectful man loses confidence in another when they are down, but man loses respect when you don't pick yourself up and wallow in pity! Now is the time to do it. You recognize your position. You acknowledge your flaws and have seen where they can take you.

Pick your ass up. Get your ass back on here and continue with the friendships you have embraced!

Shake it off piece by piece.
I know we're not close dude...but really. Embrace your friends, your new found wisdom into those things you've done wrong and let the Lord power you through the sludge if you believe! If you don't...all I can say is lean on the people who fight for you.

Good luck. I don't know whether I hurt or helped...but I know pain and it's the most God awful thing to swallow every second of the day.
I will bet it helped Marilyn though, and will give her some peace as she wants to be a part of the board i would imagine??
 

Iabadman

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Thanks Tony .....I kinda of needed that from you .......now you need to show me actions to back it up for a long time if you ever want my support , friendship , or help again..........I will always see some amazing things in you and have lots of love .........but so many people tend to let me down ,as well as waste my time ,and I was truely sad when you became another one.......I live by a certain code and character .I guess most of the time that leaves me pretty alone out in this world......but I always have love in my heart and want the best for everyone, especially you........you need to make your life about learning , healing , and fixing for a long time to make a real change .......there are zero quick fixes here , I am afraid .........in the meantime......I am glad you are maning up and taking this head on......there is no other way .....I am actually happy you are going all through all that you are enduring right now......not because I want you to suffer ....but because this is the first step on the road to defeating your demons and finding some peace and happiness.............you can do this bro .....baby steps ...one day at a time.......be my tortise ......love ya T ...now get your to work..
 

FordTurboDiesel

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I will bet it helped Marilyn though, and will give her some peace as she wants to be a part of the board i would imagine??
Perhaps Ironwill...Perhaps. I am sure they have had these conversations. My post was more for the benefit of Tony...As to how Marilyn will take it, I can't say. I have plead more than once to a woman to have it backfire on me.

I wish them both the best and hope Tony will find what motivation he needs to persevere. If somehow my post seems, "Way off", I will edit it if it seems way off base. Certainly not the impression I want to give.
 

Michaelthomasj

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That must have been a very hard post to write, and i am happy you did. You know what you did to destroy your marrige and friendships. Unfortunately your marrige is over, but the friendships that were destroyed can be fixed, not all, but some. Its also good for Marilyn, because she did get some heat from people here, and even though its no ones business, atleast she may feel better in this aspect. You need to focus on you, and your children. Apply yourself to this, as you have applied yourself in bodybuilding, and you will without a doubt come out as you want to be. It will take time, and you may fall back a few steps in the process, but keep moving forward. I wish you the best, and hope you do what you need to do. I know i am praying for you, and want you to be the best you can be. Glad to have you back.
 

railslave

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Tony..... I'm so glad to see you back bro. Please take the time you need to get your head on straight. I have also been in the same situation, but when I went to a therapist my life changed for the better. You are in my prayers bro. And as I said before, if there is anything you need, don't hesitate to hit me up buddy. You have a friend for life.
 

Alex A

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Welcome back, you have a lot to offer and we enjoy having you aboard
 

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