- Joined
- Apr 1, 2005
- Messages
- 1,902
But first I would like to clear the air and speak to you all from my heart. I want to give you some insight into not only my situation but into me the man. If after you all still want me then I will gladly come back if not I fully understand and will head off into the sunset.
First let me say that the image that I have portrayed to you all on here Is not exactly true. Parts of it might be true or it might have been me 5 or 10 years ago but for the most part I haven't been the logical, caring, loving, somewhat intelligent, good husband father on a consistant basis in years.
For awhile I have been abusive, manipulative, controling to Marilyn and havn't had a very good relationship with my kids in some time. A great deal of that had to do with what they were seeing me do to their Mother on a daily basis.
For many years I have had emotional problems and maybe even a chemical imbalance. A long time ago they were just little things but I ignored them. When Marilyn would suggest me getting help I would snarl at her once in my craziness I became convinced that she wanted to drug me into a vegetable. For years the little things kept chipping away at the foundation of my life. Long time friends started distancing themselves from and then not returning my calls. The little problems were getting bigger, Marilyn as always begged me to get help I swore she was nagging me and I swore she was the root of all my problems. As more and more things stopped going my way I was sure somehow Marilyn had something to do with it. Mind you this behaivor wasn't constant it would come up from time to time other times I would be the best guy father husband you would ever see. In the career I was in from my late 20's through my early 30's I was considered a prodigy. I was accepted to the EDS system engineering program, I wrote a program and system for General Motors that 45 minutes of work time reducing key strokes by I have long fogoten the number. But back then the issues were smaller and far less frequent. Lockheed Martin thought so highly of me that they gave me a big bonus to move to Orlando. As the issues got worse the life long friends started bailing left and right. Marilyn and I would get invited to weddings and we be seated with strangers because no one wanted to sit near me. Job performance was the next thing that started to slip. I couldn't concentrate as well lost interest in what I was doing. Hated my boss the copier whatever... I would come home at night angry and guess who was there to take it....good ole Marilyn. I can go on and on but I think you get the picture. I never got help and got fixed I got worse and worse. I burned everything in my path and the last outpost was Marilyn and my marriage. Like any great tragedy I finally destroyed that and now here I am. I am living in Jacksonville with my mother in my old room. I am driving her car around during the day because when I was still in Orlando I blew the motor up on my Jeep. I packed up as much stuff as I could in my Motorcycle and road it here to Jax. I don't have a computer so I use the public library when I need the use of a computer. So yes at the moment I am close to rock bottom and my Marriage like the Kiwi bird is never coming back. There is a bright side though my pridicament that I am in is 100% caused by me. No one put me here I did and I recognize that. That is a good thing I am ready to man up and take responsibilty for what I am and what I have done. I am now pouring all of my energy in fixing myself so I can return to living a productive life and be the man that I should be. My kids and dogs are here with me for awile and I started therapy. I am in pretty good shape physically I was tested yesterday with the 10 point calipers and @ 202lbs I was 7.2 percent bodyfat. I joined World Gym and quite a few male and female competitors train here including Dexter Jackson. They almost have me talked into doing Dex's show in 7 weeks. If my therapist okays and I am not back in UNIX Engineering then I think I can do it.
As far as Marilyn goes well I did a lot of bad things to her and because of me something we both must live with. I regret that my marriage to her is over and that I can never atone for what I did. The only thing I can do is give her the easiest best divorce possible. The last thing I want is for her to leave the marriage in worst shape then she entered. If I have to work 10 jobs I will make sure she has all she needs.
One last note to Jason Iabadman this guy put his heart and soul into me and he really believed in me. He defended me against others who didn't like my act and put his rep on the line to defend me against them. He also poured a ton of love time and effort into me and I burned him. So I think everyone knows the type of guy Jason is and it probably doesn't mean much but I am sorry for burning you and getting you involved in my sickness.
That is all I got brothers and sisters that is my soul
First let me say that the image that I have portrayed to you all on here Is not exactly true. Parts of it might be true or it might have been me 5 or 10 years ago but for the most part I haven't been the logical, caring, loving, somewhat intelligent, good husband father on a consistant basis in years.
For awhile I have been abusive, manipulative, controling to Marilyn and havn't had a very good relationship with my kids in some time. A great deal of that had to do with what they were seeing me do to their Mother on a daily basis.
For many years I have had emotional problems and maybe even a chemical imbalance. A long time ago they were just little things but I ignored them. When Marilyn would suggest me getting help I would snarl at her once in my craziness I became convinced that she wanted to drug me into a vegetable. For years the little things kept chipping away at the foundation of my life. Long time friends started distancing themselves from and then not returning my calls. The little problems were getting bigger, Marilyn as always begged me to get help I swore she was nagging me and I swore she was the root of all my problems. As more and more things stopped going my way I was sure somehow Marilyn had something to do with it. Mind you this behaivor wasn't constant it would come up from time to time other times I would be the best guy father husband you would ever see. In the career I was in from my late 20's through my early 30's I was considered a prodigy. I was accepted to the EDS system engineering program, I wrote a program and system for General Motors that 45 minutes of work time reducing key strokes by I have long fogoten the number. But back then the issues were smaller and far less frequent. Lockheed Martin thought so highly of me that they gave me a big bonus to move to Orlando. As the issues got worse the life long friends started bailing left and right. Marilyn and I would get invited to weddings and we be seated with strangers because no one wanted to sit near me. Job performance was the next thing that started to slip. I couldn't concentrate as well lost interest in what I was doing. Hated my boss the copier whatever... I would come home at night angry and guess who was there to take it....good ole Marilyn. I can go on and on but I think you get the picture. I never got help and got fixed I got worse and worse. I burned everything in my path and the last outpost was Marilyn and my marriage. Like any great tragedy I finally destroyed that and now here I am. I am living in Jacksonville with my mother in my old room. I am driving her car around during the day because when I was still in Orlando I blew the motor up on my Jeep. I packed up as much stuff as I could in my Motorcycle and road it here to Jax. I don't have a computer so I use the public library when I need the use of a computer. So yes at the moment I am close to rock bottom and my Marriage like the Kiwi bird is never coming back. There is a bright side though my pridicament that I am in is 100% caused by me. No one put me here I did and I recognize that. That is a good thing I am ready to man up and take responsibilty for what I am and what I have done. I am now pouring all of my energy in fixing myself so I can return to living a productive life and be the man that I should be. My kids and dogs are here with me for awile and I started therapy. I am in pretty good shape physically I was tested yesterday with the 10 point calipers and @ 202lbs I was 7.2 percent bodyfat. I joined World Gym and quite a few male and female competitors train here including Dexter Jackson. They almost have me talked into doing Dex's show in 7 weeks. If my therapist okays and I am not back in UNIX Engineering then I think I can do it.
As far as Marilyn goes well I did a lot of bad things to her and because of me something we both must live with. I regret that my marriage to her is over and that I can never atone for what I did. The only thing I can do is give her the easiest best divorce possible. The last thing I want is for her to leave the marriage in worst shape then she entered. If I have to work 10 jobs I will make sure she has all she needs.
One last note to Jason Iabadman this guy put his heart and soul into me and he really believed in me. He defended me against others who didn't like my act and put his rep on the line to defend me against them. He also poured a ton of love time and effort into me and I burned him. So I think everyone knows the type of guy Jason is and it probably doesn't mean much but I am sorry for burning you and getting you involved in my sickness.
That is all I got brothers and sisters that is my soul