New years flop.....

[zephyr22]

Well what a son of a bitch. I never do anythhing wild anymore. Im going to be 30 and have settled down quite a bit. Anyways the problem is my blood brother oxycontin is addicted severely welll as his skank trailer park girlfreind. I have an older bro younger bro and a younger sister by blood. Now also I have 3 step brothers.(which are totally not in to the drugs at all).My older smokes only and not to an extreme extent maybe a joint a day or two Anyway the problem lies in the fact that they (younger bro call me daily for money. The famous line of my bro is "do you gotta any extra loot" They ask if they can shovel or clean my house(which I stopped due to someone stealing my quarters 120usd worth. Also items started showing up missing.. Then my sister thought she would tell me "Im clean I just need some mony to live" I said get a job. Then she called me up on christmas balling she was in another state and needed 200 dollars and it had to be cash. Now mind you have not talked to since late spring. I offered to buy her a ticket but she refused her whereabouts because she jumped bond and made my mom sign a promisary not for 12,000usd. So now she is pissed. I told my brother to get a job.His excuser is I dont have a GED. He has one section left a general math test. I dont know how it works but it has been 3-4 years and hes stilll not done.......Now on the other hand his girlfreind is 24 as well no job, no home, stays with freinds for weeks at at a time. Is claiming dissabilite due to social anxiety i mean ccmon. Now, this is putting a major strain on me and my wifes relationship. she wants to kick me out of the house for helping them financially then having them burn me by buying drugs with money. So, I told I would buy him some clothes insted and I took the receipts. My bro no car so hes always pissed about that. I told him bite the bullet, flip burgers if you have too. There is nothing degrading of any type of work as long as it is steady income. He refuses to work fast food. He prettty much has mooched off my mime forever sad I know. I guess how do I go about helping without making things worse for my self. Oh, he has been clean about 10 days and they put him on neruontin. The nerontin stilll seems to mess him up slighty. My mom got back from rehap 4 weeks ago and was in a program for 3 months and is doing really goood. Im so happy I have my mom back. I just fear my bro needs professional help but has no insureance so Im sure its in town outpatient which helps nothing becasue they still keep getting the drugs. I love my wife so much, as well as her son. I so badly want to be in their lifes but my Wife said she wants me out of the house so she can "think" about this. She said "I hate you family, they are so messed up". I said I know that but Im tryiing to lead normal life. Like I said I went to my moms and told the whole family at my moms that no one is getting mone from me agian not 50cents not a dolloar none. I feel they are sucking me dry. They never call unless they need money it is sad. They may call for a ride or something but that is to try to "score" some drugs or rip somone off so they can get drugs, or fronting drugs etc.....they lie and so (my brothers girlfriend forgot her makeup etc..... My bother looks like shit. Very skinny, Unkempt, BO I didnt tell him wes stinking of bo but I wanted to. My wife said " its me and my son or your family" I told it does not have to be that way. I said that any financial or giving people rider around town will not happen again. The problem is she wants a submissive husband And im not. I have an opinion too, and im not going to keep it hidden. I dont like to argue and fight either but apppears like she wants to be a steam roller. She had been married before and some aquaintances of mine knew her husband and said the same thing only he would let it happen and just say "okay, Ill to whatever you want". Thats not me. Sorry for the rant its just my local freinds are not much help as they say '
"forget about it" BUt I love her.

 

[DOGMA]

Hey

Thats a tough situation Bro. Your family has some deep, deep issue's. I dont think I am qualified to give you the advise your looking for.... All I can say is sometimes life is simply reduced to a decision or series of decision's. If you love her you need to take that into carefull condsideration. Also you cant help someone who is not willing to help themselves first. I think you realize now that giving your brother money only hurts as he uses it for drugs. I think you should do your best to isolate your problem relatives from your wife and her son. Deal withthem as best you can but try not to let this situation ruin the relationship you have with your girl and her son.

I also have an issue with a family member, he is bipolar and will not take his med's he caused a huge scene at my folks house on Christmas eve and got pissed slept in his car then in the middle of the night the niehbors called the cop's cause he would not turn his radio down. So he ends up locked up on Christmas day! He begged me to bail him out but I had to tell him no. I told him I would not help him untill he chose to help himself. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to tell someone.

I realized recently that my assistance I always gave to him made his situation worse.

 

[Sigmund Roid]

Zephrr22,

It sounds like you've got a tough situation on your hands. I have a few suggestions. First, I'd keep in mind that although we love our family members, that doesn't necessarily mean we have to like them.

You have to make sure that you and your family are safe. Your child needs a safe secure place to live. A nurturing environment. A home where you've got addicts coming around mooching and stealing isn't a nurturing environment.

I think you should cut your wife some slack on that point. Unless you are quite wealthy, the wealth or "loot" you are shelling out to these relatives are resources your family needs to survive. Most people would object to that. You might if your positions were reversed.
There are places to go for help if your addicted siblings really want help.

My next suggestion is that you consider your background. Did you grow up in a situation like the one you are describing in your post? Do you think you had good relationship role models? Did Mom and Dad get along and treat each other with respect? If the answer to those questions is no, then maybe you'll need to get help learning how to behave in ways that show love and respect. Over time, that builds trust. People aren't just born with that knowledge, Zephrr22.

As far as your relationship goes with your wife goes, that's a problem that can be worked on together. If the marriage is sick then you must work on it together. If only one person cares enough about the marriage, then counseling does NOT work.

Once you begin to treat others with love and respect a lot of good things can happen. Things in your relationship with your wife might change once you share your ideas in a non-threatening manner in a non-emotional situation.

Talk to her about how you feel when things aren't "volcanic". Let her know that you've considered her point of view and that you agree on most points. Compromise and follow through with what you are telling her you'll do to preserve the safety and well being of your family unit. Don't worry about her yet. Think about the things you can do to make the relationship better.

Lastly, I suggest you write down your wants and needs, yes make a list.
Write down what you are willing to do to achieve those goals.

Then, maybe myself, the other counselors and board members can come up with a plan to help you out.

Don't give up! Hopefully some of this info will get you on the right track.

Let us know.