Severe OCD After Coming Off Years Of AAS Use And More

[Sparkss]

I understand all of that. I think my OCD is mostly checking that things are secured. Checking 2 or 3 times that my upright freezer door is closed, the front door of the house, the garage door, the mailbox door, the car locked, etc. One of the big reasons I've got a good security system on the house.

I have these types of OCD impulses as well. The “did I leave the iron on?” rabbit hole.

 

[maldorf]

I have these types of OCD impulses as well. The “did I leave the iron on?” rabbit hole.

Luckily my two daughters don't seem to have inherited my compulsions. I am always finding them leaving lights on in rooms and several times they have left the oven burner turned on!

 

[Fit2Serve]

I struggle with Anxiety and some OCD too.
Its always kinda been there but I think got worse as I got older.
My main OCD tendencies r:
-if I drink water I like to have 7 swallows (zero idea why)
-I don't like to touch anything greasy or messy (I use a napkin to pick up chicken nuggets or French fries for example)
I guess those r my main ones but there are a few...
I guess my main prob really is obsessing.... its the worst. I fixate on something and cant quit thinking about it.
thank goodness for weed and alcohol lol
f ssri's imo
-F2S

 

[Altair]

I'm curious why the clothes throwing away?

Wow, that sounds severe. Can you explain why you throw out perfectly ok clothing? Is it because a piece might have a small stain that doesn't come out in the wash? Do you wash everything in hot water, no warm or cold?

It must be worse now than usual, I can't imagine living years like that. It would get quite expensive. I've got cmothes that are literally decades old, my wife is embarrassed by it!

It’s really hard to explain why but in simple words, they get “contaminated” in my brain. And if was to wear them they would cause extreme anxiety.
This is the worst part of this disorder. I know this sounds extremely stupid and pathetic but your brain does not give a damn.

I could go on and on for hours about the things I do and avoid thanks to OCD, the throwing away stuff is just a small part.
Most days it takes me about 45min-1 hour to get the elevator in my building to get to my apartment. I just stand there and pretend I’m on my phone until it “feels right” to get into the elevator. Sometimes I’ll even take the elevator up and down 2-3 times.

My world just keeps getting smaller and smaller. I have a wife who adores me no matter what and the worst part is knowing what a pain in the ass and burden you can be. At least when we met I was mostly OCD free and pretty normal, so hopefully she’ll remember like that.

This disease is a monster.

Honestly I realize more and more how much in denial I am about the severity of my condition and the fact that I have no choice but to get on SSRIs as much as I would have like not to. Unfortunately science doesn’t seem to be at a place at the moment to give more answers or better treatments for this condition.

 

[Flex500]

You mentioned it in your first post but I'd highly advise someone who specializes in CBT to help OCD. I have pretty severe OCD and mine is all about the health of myself and loved ones. I've posted in other threads but I spent well over $10,000 last year on unnecessary medical testing. If I get a headache, it's a brain tumor, if there is a bubble when I piss, it's end stage kidney failure. I was to the point I was smelling my urine as I convinced myself if I could smell a urine color it's kidney failure. I reached out to a cardiologist and offered to pay cash for a heart transplant because my HDL was low I thought I needed a knew heart. Here is the kicker...I went to school for physical therapy and work in healthcare! I know how this all works but I have irrational OCD. It get so debilitating...There was a three week stretch I was getting bloods and urine tests very other day...

I have some xanax rx'd by by doc if I get a severe case of panic/anxiety but the therapy has helped the most. I'd get back with a therapist as soon as you can. I started going three days a week at one point for a very short period and it really helped. I'd assume you are more like me where you really need CBT so I'd find someone who specializes in that and has a lot of experience. For me, it's not so much about feelings or past trauma. In fact I'm highly motivated and love life but honest to God I'll get paralyzed in fear if I so much as get a sore throat. For me the focus of the CBT was re-directing my thoughts. When I see a commercial about a health issue how do I redirect my thoughts so I don't convince myself I have that. How do I stop myself from googling symptoms (the worst thing in the history of time) all day and convincing myself I am dying.

I was posting a lot on here during the height of this last year about kidney fears adn then it hit a head when I convinced myself I had lymphoma. Of course, it wasn't. I went to three different specialists and got 6 ultrasounds on lymph nodes on my neck. However, since I can feel my lymph nodes (simply due to where mine sit and because I'm quite lean) I was emailing doctors asking if they would accept cash to do surgery on my to remove lymph nodes. I was looking up how to remove your own lymph nodes and trying to buy chemo drugs online. I share all this so you know you are not alone brother. It has taken a lot of time and effort and I've still got a ways to go. Frankly, it's embarrassing reading everything I'm typing.

 

[KillerStack]

A while back I was having some OCD while leaving my apartment over the weekend. I was checking that lights were out, appliances turned off, stove wasn't turned on etc. I arrive back a couple days later and the electric stove is on full blast! Could have started a fire if I forgot something on the stove. That messed with me a bit, like how in hell is it possible the stove is turned on when I checked it 10 or 20 times before leaving. It's still a mystery to me

 

[LK3]

for sure there are more options then ssri's bro.
the thing is that most people shy away form the mental work and ssri's sort of facilitate this.
you need to learn new ways of thinking, using and monitoring your mental process.

for me these what are considered symptoms of my much larger disorders.
things like panic attacks, taking a benzo is just a band aide, you need to deal with that emotion and the triggers, not hide from them. i find benzos allow people to hide and denie rather then address and deal with the issue.

also perspective. thinking that there is a fix or cure. you are the problem and there is no cure for you. you need to find a way to evolve your mental and physical processes to deal with your shit. drugs should be used as tools to help facilitate the mental work.

for some ppl ssris can help that. maybe you. you wont know until you try. they dont work for me so i find other methods.

 

[LK3]

A while back I was having some OCD while leaving my apartment over the weekend. I was checking that lights were out, appliances turned off, stove wasn't turned on etc. I arrive back a couple days later and the electric stove is on full blast! Could have started a fire if I forgot something on the stove. That messed with me a bit, like how in hell is it possible the stove is turned on when I checked it 10 or 20 times before leaving. It's still a mystery to me

rather then wasting energy on the illogical, which when we think about it behaviors like this are. its better we focus our energy on being more obsessive to attention to detail as we do things.

like the stove. that fucker doesnt accidentally get turned on.
you turn it on when you cook.
be conccious, be in the moment, pay attention start to finish, and be perfect.
then have the mental fortitude to believe in your actions.
its training.
simple.

little things like this are how i get through the day. lol
only taken 20 years to learn. lol

 

[maldorf]

It’s really hard to explain why but in simple words, they get “contaminated” in my brain. And if was to wear them they would cause extreme anxiety.
This is the worst part of this disorder. I know this sounds extremely stupid and pathetic but your brain does not give a damn.

I could go on and on for hours about the things I do and avoid thanks to OCD, the throwing away stuff is just a small part.
Most days it takes me about 45min-1 hour to get the elevator in my building to get to my apartment. I just stand there and pretend I’m on my phone until it “feels right” to get into the elevator. Sometimes I’ll even take the elevator up and down 2-3 times.

My world just keeps getting smaller and smaller. I have a wife who adores me no matter what and the worst part is knowing what a pain in the ass and burden you can be. At least when we met I was mostly OCD free and pretty normal, so hopefully she’ll remember like that.

This disease is a monster.

Honestly I realize more and more how much in denial I am about the severity of my condition and the fact that I have no choice but to get on SSRIs as much as I would have like not to. Unfortunately science doesn’t seem to be at a place at the moment to give more answers or better treatments for this condition.

Wow, yeah thats severe and significantly affecting your life and your family's in a negative way. I think you should seek a good psychiatrist and put trust in them. That's what I would do. It might take a few months to find the right medication but anything has to be better than what you have now.

I'm surprised that this whole coronavirus thing hasn't absolutely crippled you. It has messed up a lot of people. Glad you're OK with it.

 

[Flex500]

for sure there are more options then ssri's bro.
the thing is that most people shy away form the mental work and ssri's sort of facilitate this.
you need to learn new ways of thinking, using and monitoring your mental process.

for me these what are considered symptoms of my much larger disorders.
things like panic attacks, taking a benzo is just a band aide, you need to deal with that emotion and the triggers, not hide from them. i find benzos allow people to hide and denie rather then address and deal with the issue.

also perspective. thinking that there is a fix or cure. you are the problem and there is no cure for you. you need to find a way to evolve your mental and physical processes to deal with your shit. drugs should be used as tools to help facilitate the mental work.

for some ppl ssris can help that. maybe you. you wont know until you try. they dont work for me so i find other methods.

This X 1000. This is why the only thing that helped me or is helping is CB therapy and someone who is a pro at OCD. You have to rewire your brain and you can do that but it takes work and time. I was to the point if my creatinine was 1.28, with a reference range being 1.27 I'd take a week off work to google about kidney failure. I'd spend 60+ hours in a single week researching. That was my "OCD". I took 140 hours of sick or vacation time last year to google diseases I did not have. Sure, medications can and will help when vetted our properly but I needed help changing my thinking and behavior.

 

[maldorf]

You mentioned it in your first post but I'd highly advise someone who specializes in CBT to help OCD. I have pretty severe OCD and mine is all about the health of myself and loved ones. I've posted in other threads but I spent well over $10,000 last year on unnecessary medical testing. If I get a headache, it's a brain tumor, if there is a bubble when I piss, it's end stage kidney failure. I was to the point I was smelling my urine as I convinced myself if I could smell a urine color it's kidney failure. I reached out to a cardiologist and offered to pay cash for a heart transplant because my HDL was low I thought I needed a knew heart. Here is the kicker...I went to school for physical therapy and work in healthcare! I know how this all works but I have irrational OCD. It get so debilitating...There was a three week stretch I was getting bloods and urine tests very other day...

I have some xanax rx'd by by doc if I get a severe case of panic/anxiety but the therapy has helped the most. I'd get back with a therapist as soon as you can. I started going three days a week at one point for a very short period and it really helped. I'd assume you are more like me where you really need CBT so I'd find someone who specializes in that and has a lot of experience. For me, it's not so much about feelings or past trauma. In fact I'm highly motivated and love life but honest to God I'll get paralyzed in fear if I so much as get a sore throat. For me the focus of the CBT was re-directing my thoughts. When I see a commercial about a health issue how do I redirect my thoughts so I don't convince myself I have that. How do I stop myself from googling symptoms (the worst thing in the history of time) all day and convincing myself I am dying.

I was posting a lot on here during the height of this last year about kidney fears adn then it hit a head when I convinced myself I had lymphoma. Of course, it wasn't. I went to three different specialists and got 6 ultrasounds on lymph nodes on my neck. However, since I can feel my lymph nodes (simply due to where mine sit and because I'm quite lean) I was emailing doctors asking if they would accept cash to do surgery on my to remove lymph nodes. I was looking up how to remove your own lymph nodes and trying to buy chemo drugs online. I share all this so you know you are not alone brother. It has taken a lot of time and effort and I've still got a ways to go. Frankly, it's embarrassing reading everything I'm typing.

How has coronavirus affected you? Are you able to live a halfway normal life? Wondering if you go out in public and how that goes.

 

[Sides]

It’s really hard to explain why but in simple words, they get “contaminated” in my brain. And if was to wear them they would cause extreme anxiety.
This is the worst part of this disorder. I know this sounds extremely stupid and pathetic but your brain does not give a damn.

I could go on and on for hours about the things I do and avoid thanks to OCD, the throwing away stuff is just a small part.
Most days it takes me about 45min-1 hour to get the elevator in my building to get to my apartment. I just stand there and pretend I’m on my phone until it “feels right” to get into the elevator. Sometimes I’ll even take the elevator up and down 2-3 times.

My world just keeps getting smaller and smaller. I have a wife who adores me no matter what and the worst part is knowing what a pain in the ass and burden you can be. At least when we met I was mostly OCD free and pretty normal, so hopefully she’ll remember like that.

This disease is a monster.

Honestly I realize more and more how much in denial I am about the severity of my condition and the fact that I have no choice but to get on SSRIs as much as I would have like not to. Unfortunately science doesn’t seem to be at a place at the moment to give more answers or better treatments for this condition.

Believe me, I (and I'm sure others on here) do understand where you are coming from on this. I've had similar symptoms, although not quite as bad as yours'.

For instance, I constantly have to try door handles to make sure they are locked, especially when I am leaving for the day or going to sleep at night. I've had times in the past where I had to leave the house through the back door, because I KNEW I would have to check the door handle twenty times before I left. And it made things much worse if I was self-conscious that people might be watching me check the door handle over and over again, and then watching me leave, so they would know that I wasn't in the house, and I was worried that they might break in and steal things. So I would leave out the back door, through the back yard, so I could check the door handle without anyone watching me, and I would know that the front door and back door were locked. And still, I would sit in the driveway staring at the locked front door and obsessing about it, knowing that it was locked, but unable to make myself accept in my mind that it was REALLY locked.

And what Flex500 says about unnecessary medical testing, Good Lord I would be ashamed to add up how many thousands of dollars I've spent in the last year on blood tests, just trying to work out my hormonal problems. I think I'm propping up the economy just from what I've spent with Quest in the last year. It's a serious problem and addiction, because I know I should be saving that money, especially now that I have a new baby daughter to look after.

And the gear use definitely does have effects on it, as you know from your own prior gear use. I can tell you from my experience, that I feel much more comfortable on higher amounts of testosterone versus TRT amounts of test. DHT compounds like Masteron and Proviron make it much better; high and unchecked estrogen levels give me anxiety and make it much worse. Anxiety is the fuel that feeds the OCD behavior. Androgens have to balance out the estrogens or everything gets much worse. And yet we need some estrogens for brain health, heart health, libido, etc. It's a balancing act, and I am still trying to work out the answers for myself. And while being hypothyroid usually makes people lethargic, for me it makes me anxious, and so thyroid is part of the equation as well.

But you posting this on a bodybuilding board, and me talking about gear, reminds me of the saying that if all you've got is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. Meaning that we who have been bodybuilders think of things in terms of gear use...how much test do I take? What else do I take with it? What about my DHT, my AI, my SERM, how about the 19-nors like Deca, Tren, Trest, etc? And all those things do have an effect on it.

Meanwhile, the psychologists who know the most about OCD and anxiety for the most part aren't thinking about any of that (maybe they should be, a little bit.) Instead, they are focused on SSRI's, SNRI's, tri-cyclics, CBT and other behavior therapy. They have more experience and a bigger, more expansive toolbox in dealing with problems like ours.

And we probably owe it to ourselves to stop playing at being armchair psychologists or endocrinologists, and listen to the experts who know the most about the problem. Asking for opinions and experiences from the bro's on a bodybuilding board is helpful, because we can see that there are other people out there just like us, with the same problems as us. But in the end, we should take advantage of the help and advice offered to us by the experts who know the most about the problem, rather than a bunch of well-meaning bodybuilders and gym rats on PM.

So if the severity of your problem has escalated to the degree you have described, and it is really having that bad of an effect on the rest of your life, I would work with your psychologist and therapist to find the best answer for you.

 

[KillerStack]

rather then wasting energy on the illogical, which when we think about it behaviors like this are. its better we focus our energy on being more obsessive to attention to detail as we do things.

like the stove. that fucker doesnt accidentally get turned on.
you turn it on when you cook.
be conccious, be in the moment, pay attention start to finish, and be perfect.
then have the mental fortitude to believe in your actions.
its training.
simple.

little things like this are how i get through the day. lol
only taken 20 years to learn. lol

This was a mindfuck because usually you don't forget to lock your door or whatever you obsess over. You go through the rituals even though you know they are illogical. In this rare instance somehow the stove was turned on, despite obsessing over it. I mean I checked the dials and touched the plates so they weren't hot many times before leaving.

My OCD has been reduced way back over the last several years though. Only thing that I could see having been a factor in reducing it is some cannabis use. I was really old when I got into it but the reduction in OCD symptoms coincided with my use and it seemed to carry over into periods when I didn't use, over several months of non-use. Since you are experienced in this area do you think it could help OCD? I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anyone for this purpose though, just relaying my experience.

 

[Flex500]

How has coronavirus affected you? Are you able to live a halfway normal life? Wondering if you go out in public and how that goes.

So that's the weird thing...no impact at all and I work in hospitals and manage healthcare professionals all over the country. It's really more things like catastrophic illness (not that COVID couldn't be but it doesn't impact me mentally at all) such as cancer, tumors, kidney failure, liver failure, etc. etc. I don't really have an issue with germs or things like that it's more illness you can't control. If I get a muscle twitch I have MS, if I cough, it's lung cancer, etc. etc.

 

[maldorf]

Believe me, I (and I'm sure others on here) do understand where you are coming from on this. I've had similar symptoms, although not quite as bad as yours'.

For instance, I constantly have to try door handles to make sure they are locked, especially when I am leaving for the day or going to sleep at night. I've had times in the past where I had to leave the house through the back door, because I KNEW I would have to check the door handle twenty times before I left. And it made things much worse if I was self-conscious that people might be watching me check the door handle over and over again, and then watching me leave, so they would know that I wasn't in the house, and I was worried that they might break in and steal things. So I would leave out the back door, through the back yard, so I could check the door handle without anyone watching me, and I would know that the front door and back door were locked. And still, I would sit in the driveway staring at the locked front door and obsessing about it, knowing that it was locked, but unable to make myself accept in my mind that it was REALLY locked.

And what Flex500 says about unnecessary medical testing, Good Lord I would be ashamed to add up how many thousands of dollars I've spent in the last year on blood tests, just trying to work out my hormonal problems. I think I'm propping up the economy just from what I've spent with Quest in the last year. It's a serious problem and addiction, because I know I should be saving that money, especially now that I have a new baby daughter to look after.

And the gear use definitely does have effects on it, as you know from your own prior gear use. I can tell you from my experience, that I feel much more comfortable on higher amounts of testosterone versus TRT amounts of test. DHT compounds like Masteron and Proviron make it much better; high and unchecked estrogen levels give me anxiety and make it much worse. Anxiety is the fuel that feeds the OCD behavior. Androgens have to balance out the estrogens or everything gets much worse. And yet we need some estrogens for brain health, heart health, libido, etc. It's a balancing act, and I am still trying to work out the answers for myself. And while being hypothyroid usually makes people lethargic, for me it makes me anxious, and so thyroid is part of the equation as well.

But you posting this on a bodybuilding board, and me talking about gear, reminds me of the saying that if all you've got is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. Meaning that we who have been bodybuilders think of things in terms of gear use...how much test do I take? What else do I take with it? What about my DHT, my AI, my SERM, how about the 19-nors like Deca, Tren, Trest, etc? And all those things do have an effect on it.

Meanwhile, the psychologists who know the most about OCD and anxiety for the most part aren't thinking about any of that (maybe they should be, a little bit.) Instead, they are focused on SSRI's, SNRI's, tri-cyclics, CBT and other behavior therapy. They have more experience and a bigger, more expansive toolbox in dealing with problems like ours.

And we probably owe it to ourselves to stop playing at being armchair psychologists or endocrinologists, and listen to the experts who know the most about the problem. Asking for opinions and experiences from the bro's on a bodybuilding board is helpful, because we can see that there are other people out there just like us, with the same problems as us. But in the end, we should take advantage of the help and advice offered to us by the experts who know the most about the problem, rather than a bunch of well-meaning bodybuilders and gym rats on PM.

So if the severity of your problem has escalated to the degree you have described, and it is really having that bad of an effect on the rest of your life, I would work with your psychologist and therapist to find the best answer for you.

You don't have a security system? That went a long way toward me feeling more at ease with the whole locking up the house. I know that even if the door is left unlocked, the alarm is on protecting the home. I set it at night when we sleep too. All the windows are rigged with sensors. Motion sensors inside, and glass break sensors where the windows are. I bet you'd feel better with that if you don't have it now. Calls the cops if something goes down.

 

[Flex500]

So that's the weird thing...no impact at all and I work in hospitals and manage healthcare professionals all over the country. It's really more things like catastrophic illness (not that COVID couldn't be but it doesn't impact me mentally at all) such as cancer, tumors, kidney failure, liver failure, etc. etc. I don't really have an issue with germs or things like that it's more illness you can't control. If I get a muscle twitch I have MS, if I cough, it's lung cancer, etc. etc.

For me I don't worry about mild or even moderate illness. It's all about catastrophic illness and connected unrelated symptoms to illness. This is where "googling" screws me and where I had to break the chain of OCD. Same with testing. Buying testing is great...usually...but it's terrible for people like me. I can go to walkinlabs and buy blood tests daily. That is what I was doing. The weird thing is I lived in a funeral home growing up and I'm incredibly religious so it's not even about death but it is an irrational fear/paranoia/of catastrophic illness.

I've probably spent a total of $50,000 on unnecessary medical expenses over the last decade. And I'm talking cash...not even what insurance paid.

 

[maldorf]

So that's the weird thing...no impact at all and I work in hospitals and manage healthcare professionals all over the country. It's really more things like catastrophic illness (not that COVID couldn't be but it doesn't impact me mentally at all) such as cancer, tumors, kidney failure, liver failure, etc. etc. I don't really have an issue with germs or things like that it's more illness you can't control. If I get a muscle twitch I have MS, if I cough, it's lung cancer, etc. etc.

Well, that's one good thing at least. I used to be real bad with washing hands when I was teaching. I washed them and put on rubbing alcohol so much that the skin would crack and bleed.

 

[maldorf]

For me I don't worry about mild or even moderate illness. It's all about catastrophic illness and connected unrelated symptoms to illness. This is where "googling" screws me and where I had to break the chain of OCD. Same with testing. Buying testing is great...usually...but it's terrible for people like me. I can go to walkinlabs and buy blood tests daily. That is what I was doing. The weird thing is I lived in a funeral home growing up and I'm incredibly religious so it's not even about death but it is an irrational fear/paranoia/of catastrophic illness.

I've probably spent a total of $50,000 on unnecessary medical expenses over the last decade. And I'm talking cash...not even what insurance paid.

I felt a bit like that after my heart attack, asking my doctor to test for blood clotting disorders. My suspicions were confirmed though, because they found factor 2 and now I'm on Coumadin for life. It is a mind fuck when your suspicious are confirmed, it really enforces the paranoia. I have worries now daily with my heart. Many days I fear to workout because of my arrhythmia.

 

[Flex500]

I felt a bit like that after my heart attack, asking my doctor to test for blood clotting disorders. My suspicions were confirmed though, because they found factor 2 and now I'm on Coumadin for life. It is a mind fuck when your suspicious are confirmed, it really enforces the paranoia. I have worries now daily with my heart. Many days I fear to workout because of my arrhythmia.

Right on and for me that would usually have been a trigger for me. Reading your post would validate everything and lead me to go online and probably spend $500 on testing...just from reading your post. I have a great GP and that has helped big time. He is very in tune with my health and essentially banned me from any tests unless he orders it. I could do it behind his back but I won't because I always have questions for him so he told me he will stop seeing me if I get tests without him ordering. Tough love like that + the therapy has done wonders.

 

[Sides]

You don't have a security system? That went a long way toward me feeling more at ease with the whole locking up the house. I know that even if the door is left unlocked, the alarm is on protecting the home. I set it at night when we sleep too. All the windows are rigged with sensors. Motion sensors inside, and glass break sensors where the windows are. I bet you'd feel better with that if you don't have it now. Calls the cops if something goes down.

LOL, I do have a security system that was installed in the house when we bought it, but I am a cheap bastard and couldn't justify turning it on as we live in a small town and very low crime risk. Still, it would make me feel better. Funny how I can drop $400 for bloodwork to check my hormone levels every month, and think that's essential, but can't justify spending the few bucks to get the security system turned on, which would make me feel much more secure and stop so many of my OCD rituals.

I felt a bit like that after my heart attack, asking my doctor to test for blood clotting disorders. My suspicions were confirmed though, because they found factor 2 and now I'm on Coumadin for life. It is a mind fuck when your suspicious are confirmed, it really enforces the paranoia. I have worries now daily with my heart. Many days I fear to workout because of my arrhythmia.

When your suspicions are confirmed, it really does enforce the paranoia and makes the rituals worse. When I checked my car door to make sure it was locked, and IT WAS OPEN, it made me really run around and check everything and question myself, just like KillerStack with the stove being turned on.

And people wonder why I check the doors so much to make sure they're locked, because I have never had anybody break in. On the other hand, I did have the cops smash in my doors with battering rams when they busted me back in 2007, which in my mind always justifies the whole thing because I know sometimes the paranoia is true, and there really are people waiting outside to bust in on you LOL.