O/T WORST PAIN EVER!!!!

[LATS]

i just got back from the doctors and had to share this with ya.. i never figured i would ever feel anything remotely close to this in my life.. anyway.. i have had very intense pain in my heel for the last three weeks.. my job is standing all day so i figured it was about time i got some foot pain here and there.. but, it was getting very intense.. could nt put weight on it and sitting was the worst.. because eventually you have to get up and the pain is worse then.. so today.. i had to bite the bullet and go see a specialist..
i walk in and the nurse right away takes me to xray.. i pull off my stinky shoe and sock and realize that i need to really trim my toe nails.. too frickin late to avoid the initial embarassment.. so i throw my talons on the table and wait for the xray .. all the while wondering what she may be saying about my frickin' stinky feel and my "mouse catching" toe nails..
with the xray over i wait in the doctors office for his report.. he comes in shaking hs head.. not a good sign in any country.. i dont care where your from.. he puts the xray up and says "that is the worst plantar-fasciaitis i have ever seen.. you have a bone spur the size of a nickel.. and growing.." so i am wondering whether i should take pride in stumping the doctor or be concerned.. for a brief moment i was taking pride in my physical deformity..
i asked him " well, do i need surgery?".. he says "no.. not really but, i need to get the swelling and imflamation down.. it is really, really bad" i laugh.. that was the last laugh for a while.. i then ask.. "well, do i need to take some anti imflams?" he says no.. but, he feels that a cortisone shot is in order.. he says "i am reluctant to give you this.. any time a shot is given for this condition it is bad.. really painful... but, your's is really bad.. the worst i have seen.. it will be aweful. the only alternative is to stay home for about 4 days or so and rest it then come back and get one when it is not so imflamed.. even then.. it will be bad.. i am not going to lie to ya"
well.. staying home is not a option.. work is too busy..plus, i am leaving for cancun next week and want this to be over by then... so i say " just do it now.. i have had pain before and this will be no different".. now, ladys and gentleman.. after i said this, the nurse next to him looks at him and makes this "agonizing" face and says "well, you want me to get help?" WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? he says "yeah.. he is a big guy.. i dont want those legs kicking me" this is being said right in front of me.. i am now a little concerned..
the doctor walks in and looks at me.. sits down and rools his stool over to my swollen , pissed off foot.. a nurse walks in and grabs my ankle with both hands.. the second nurse comes in and places both hands on my leg holding it down..i am now thinking that this is a poor idea and my bravado was a little premature..
the doctor now takes out the "numbing spray and sprays it on my heel.. with in seconds i can not feel the skin and i am thinking this will not be near as bad as they are making it out to be.. BUT, HE KEEPS ON SPRAYING.. THE WHOLE BOTTLE.. he looks me in the eye and says " i am am doing all i can for ya".. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.. ?? i say "well, cant feel anything.. so it should be good".. he says "it only numbs the skin.. it will do nothing for the pain at the tendon..".. now.. i watch him put the needle in my heel. i feel nothing and say ".not bad really".. he says "well, wait until i start injecting"..
now, fellow members, what happens next i can never do justice.. words will not be able to describe and if a try you will think i am exaggerating.. i am still at a loss for words.. he starts to push the evil concoction into my heel.. all modesty and self control left my body and i do not know whether i will ever get it back.. i found myself starting to scream.. now trust me.. i was trying not to but, i thought it might, in some way, prevent me from shitting my pants.. next i start to convulse my upper body back and forth slamming my head against the head rest.. i know i was making a scene but, was not able to stop it no matter what.. and i did not care by now...i had enough presense of mind to not move the leg but, did manage to tear the pad off the armrest..
now, fellow members.. i would love to say it was over but, we are merely 5 to 10 seconds into the foot- rape.. then the pain stops.. OH GLORY DAYS.. it is over..my pulse rate is off the charts and i am breathing like squat day.. i slowly look at the doctor and said "that frickin' sucked".. he says "well.. it is not over..sorry" i look at the syringe and it looks like it barely has moved.. he starts to push again.. the girlish screams start all over again and yes, the ever embarrassing convulsions..
well, the head banging and screaming lasts about 40 seconds and i am relatively sure i defecated my pants AND lost my testes in my abdominal cavity.. i am sweating profusely and panting.. not pretty.. he pulls the syringe out and blood flys out about three feet and all over his doctors coat.. the nurse says "wow..i have never seen that before".. the doctor says "well, there was a of of imflamation.. how do you feel?" i found myself talking in tongues and although i wanted to say something coherant.. it just was not happening.. the only thing that made sense was "wow.. that frickin' sucked".. as i opened my eyes the first thing i saw was the nurses staring at me with their hands covering their mouths and the look like they just saw something tha they may never see again.. i looked on the floor and apologized for the arm pad but, they just shook their heads.. the doctor says" are you going to want to lie down?" i said "no .. it's cool".. but, absolutely no tone of bravado left in my body..
i am now at home and still can not belive the amount of pain.. pain that literally castrates ya.. i tried to explain it to the wife and she just laughs and tells me to "buck it up".. i am thinking of divorce.. i am literally drained and have been laying on the couch.. my children have taken up where mommy left off and have been dancing around me laughing and yelling " daddy is a baby!!" i dont even have the strength to state my case.. so whne i doctor tells ya "this is really going to suck.. bad" trust him.. i will never doubt that statement again..

 

[Nymusclehead]

WOW

Basically after hearing that story I'm hunched over holding everybody part like it was my last,As far as the family,WOW,Hey man good luck and a speedy recovery.

 

[mung]

Man I feel for ya bro, but you have a knack for telling a story and I cannot help but laugh my ass off. Not at your pain, but the way you can tell a damn story...that was awesome, thanks for sharing! Hope you feel better before Cancun!

 

[Trulyhuge]

LATS......
Dude, I am very disappointed in you. In all the years in knowing me why in God's name didn't you say the line...the Dumb and Dumber line when it really hurt the most......"OHHHHHHHHH, TIMEOUT!"

TH

 

[Trulyhuge]

On a more serious note, that description was horrid man!
BTW, you said your girls were "dancing" around you. Did you happen to tell them to put their thongs on and turn on some Britney Spears like the good ole days?

TH

 

[Kahn]

I knew it was plantar fascitis before I got to the thread. Mine is nowhere near yours but that story is hysterical. I was laughing so hard I was sweating. When its all over, tell that to your friends when you're at a bar drinking. I guarantee they'll pee themselves. I hope your foot heals after that shit. We will ALL keep an eye on ours from now on.

 

[Snarf]

Damn, I was laghing my ass off reading that - sorry to laugh at your pain but that was some funny shit.

He shoulda just gassed you - a little nitrous would have helped a lot.

 

[TooPowerful4u]

Dude i feel for ya, i really do...but i have to REALLY APOLOGISE cuz readin that story im sittin here picturing this hug bodybuilder in that scene, im laughin my fuckin ass off i think i pissed my pants.

 

[homonunculus]

Damn, LATS!!!

I actually think I have an inkling of an understanding of what you went through.

When I was a kid, I was going down a water slide, lost the mat I was sliding on, flipped to my belly to get it and ended up catching the nail (aka "talon" LOL) of my big toe on a bump in the slide. The slide was painted concrete so the paint (a good thick piece - probably several coats) was shoved under my nail all the way up to the cuticle of the nail.

I waited an hour to be picked up by my folks and we went to the emergency room. (The toe was hurting pretty bad up to then, BTW.)

To take the nail off, they had to anaesthetize my big toe. They laid me down and told me to close my eyes. Same procedure as yours - they got a nurse holding my ankle, another at my knee and a third holding a tray full of big ass hypodermic needles. I actually wanted to watch, so I kinda did - but my vision was blurry as hell from the pain.

The doc shot my toe - right into the meat of it and up under the nail about 5 or 6 times with this shit. The pain of the paint under the nail (basically ripping the nail off) was nothing in comparison.

Coolest part, though, was watching them take off the nail with an industrial-sized clamp-down pliers... LOL He couldn't get the damn thing to come off!

Anyway, hope that shit gets better, man.

-R

 

[Trulyhuge]

Damn Randy, one gruesome story is my limit for a night!

TH

 

[DOGMA]

Damn Doctor's

They should have given you a nerve block. Silly, to create so much pain when it is not neccissary. With a good nerve block they could have sawed your foot off and you would not feel any pain. I got two words for your Doc "pain management"

Funy story though.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

ouch, that hurts...

LATS, that was the most gruesome and at the same time hilarious story I've read on here in a long time. It's not what you were saying but the way you tell the story... You really build the suspense... Glad your through it now and thank you for allowing me to share in the joy of your misery.

Oh and to homonunculus... good lord! Man, you know a story is going to be bad when it starts out "I was going down a water slide when...."

OMG... TFF... Someday I'll tell you about my injection dejection.

 

[Trulyhuge]

Ouch,
Please take that pic from your avatar....that looks waaaaaay too good!

 

[lynx]

I'm so sorry but I'm sitting here giggling trying not to wake up JT from his nap! I feel so bad for laughing! I hope your foot gets better by Cancun!

 

[BigBoyJ]

Well, until you've had your hand bones splatter on your face, I don't wanna hear it. Then, to have a nurse stick her finger inside the wound to readjust the bones that have been twisted into a broken pretzel....now that sucks.

I know that stuffs all relative Lats. Sorry to hear that story. I personally don't like pain.

 

[mike man]

Well Lats..

That was one FUNNY as heck story bro! I started laughing so hard I could no longer read it. Then the tears started and I had to use a dirty kleenex that was in the trash next to my computer to wipe with. YUCK! (Hehe, just kidding about the dirty kleenex.)
Great story though. LOL.

 

[chewwy26]

GETTING BETTER

Well bro im glad to here your still alive and its good to see ya
i was gonna ask what youve been up to but no neeed after that story
hope all is better now enjoy your vacation in cancun
ditto on the story telling you had me laughing my ass off

 

[JETHRO TULL]

LATS, I JUST GOT UP FROM A 2HOUR NAP!

I HAVE THIS GALLON JUG BY THE BED TO URINATE IN CAUSE I AM ON SUCH LOW CARBS AND DRINKING SO MUCH WATER I HAVE TO PISS ABOUT EVERY TEN MINUTES...AND I AM GETTING NO SLEEP.....AND THEN I READ THIS STORY WHICH HAS ME BRAYING LIKE A JACKASS....AND.....HAVING TO USE THE REST ROOM ONCE AGAIN!

[NO, I AM NOT REALLY PISSING IN A GALLON JUG....BUT, I AM THINKING ABOUT IT!]

THAT STORY IS WICKED.......AS I WAS SITTING HERE LAUGHING MY GIRLFRIEND HOLLERED FROM THE OTHER ROOM...."YOU MUST BE READING LAT'S STORY!"

AWESOME! HAVE FUN ON YOUR TRIP WITH YOUR FAMILY OF EVIL TROLLS LOL..

 

[LATS]

WELL LADIES AND GENTLEMAN..

i had three e mails so far wanting me to tell about my colon exam.. years ago i got to meet a few board members at a show and somehow.. my colon problems got brought up by my wife and the story was told..since i am up and can not sleep i will do so.. this is 100% true story and the absolute most embarrassing moment in my life.. no exceptions..
years ago, i was having my share of colon problems.. my mother has colitis and so does my sister.. well one day.. my stomach was really cramping.. and i started to run a fever.. i initially was just going to blow it off and see if it went away..well, my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, was staying with me and i did not want to ruin the weekend.. but, after blowing gas for approximately half a day, the mood for romance i am sure was dead for her.. (note to members: when driving a vehicle in the winter with the heater blowing full blast.. the wind you break will be intensified 10 fold.. a simple fart that would normally bring a "oh, your sick".. now brings about dry heaves and watery eyes.. but, i digress) so i asked her if we could just go home.. i went into the bedroom and fell asleep..
now about two hours later, i felt the impending urge to .. well.. "drop the kids off at the pool" if ya know what i mean.. i run in the bathroom, all the while dropping wolf-bait at ever step.. i make it into the bathroom and drop the trousers.. i felt instant relief and thought all would be well.. well, being the man that i am.. and every man here does it to.. no exceptions.. i turn to see my handy work.. all i saw was blood... blood everywhere.. well, seeing my own blood.. that shot out of my own ass had me almost lapsing into a dream sequence.. once i got ahold of myself i call my wife into the room.. she looks and screams.. not really what i wanted to hear.. that just confirmed that i was having a "situation". i call the emergency room and they put me in with a gastro doc's nurse.. after i explain my "problem".. she tellls me "oh , it sounds like you have piles".i.e. the big hemmy roids.. i tell her "you have no idea.. there is a massive amount of blood here".. she holds to her convictions..i am getting no where..
my wife tells me to get in the car and is going to take me to the emergency room.. (by the way.. if one has a accident in a car with beige seats.. no amount of car detail shops can get it out.. at least that what i hear.. ) we arrive at the emergency room and they call the gastro doc into work.. as i get wheeled into the room.. a older nurse comes in and asks my wife to leave that she needs to perform a "procedure".. she asks me to lie on my stomach so that she can give me a enema.. i try my damdest to get out of it by using my only defense.. the art of negotiation (i sold cars for 7 years.. i figured that would give a me a fighting chance) well, 5 minutes later she was injecting hot water into my turd cutter.. ladies and gents.. i have never seen my anus.. my wife has never seen my anus.. this lady could have indentified it in a lineup.. she was there awhile.. (another note to members: whne shoving a tube into your anus.. you will scream.. and at the least..wince.. it is unavoidable) now.. she tells me "you need to hold it in for 10 minutes".. i tell her "10 minutes?.. your crazy.. it is burning".. she says that if i dont get .. CLEANED OUT properly.. she will have to do it again.. well, my friends, 5 ENEMAS LATER.. my stillful act of negotiation must have prevailed since she did not show up for a 6th..
well, the doctor arrives.. he is from pakistan..i can not understand what he is saying..AT ALL.. all i know is that he wants to look at my colon.. i 'm game.. lets get it overwith.. they put me a a gurney and wheel me into a another room.. they ask me to roll over on my side and draw my knees into a fetal position.. with my twins and hairy ass being fully exsposed the old nurse comes in and , standing by my exsposed bits, starts to tell me about her daughter.. she would like me to meet her..( i have a brief thought of sitting at the thanksgiving table with her knowing that her mother.. who is seated right across from me, had knowledge of my brown button and even shoved , what looked like a turkey baster, into my ass..) i have no intention of meeting her daughter but, am avoiding telling her this since i do not know what will coming next.. as if things could not get more awkward.. read on..
the doctor comes in and tells the nurse to prep me for the procedure.. i am lying still and am a little foggy about what is going to happen.. then i feel what is the most awkward moment in my life.. up to this point anyway.. as she is still jabbering on about her daughter.. she... the nurse.. my caretaker.. starts to lather up my asspipe with vasoline..my frickin' heart stops and i tyry to just go to my "happy place"... she is really getting into to.. she is laying it on thick.. and even gives me the "courtesy" digit in the anus .. GOD BLESS HER..
they now wheel in a machine.. i do not look at it at first.. i assume either way it will be very overrated in my regards.. the doc is talking to me.. and the only thing i make out is the words "STUDENT NURSES".. i look over my shoulder.. and there.. to my surprise is 5 student nurses.. 19 to 21 years old.. cute.. and staring directly at my balls and hairy ass.. no fellow members.. not ugly hags.. not old nurses.. young, impressionable nurses.. who by the way.. have still not learned the art of withholding expressions.. they looked at my ass and balls like they have never seen any thing so disgusting in their life.. embarrasment to the inth degree.. cant get worse.. READ ON.
now the doctor shows me.. what appears to be.. a louisville slugger with a cam corder on the end of it.. i ask in my most innocent boyish tone "what is that for".. he says " we are going to put this in your anus and look at your colon"..he says a matter of factly.. i start to ask about how it will fit but , the memory of "nurse helga" slopping vasoline on my brown button come rushing back.. he then explains to me that the instrument will blow air into my ass and colon to inflat it and then.. they can get a better look and move around.. now fellow member you may ask.."what happens to all that air?.. " we will get to that shortly.. they ram the instrument of my destruction into my orifice and blast me with enough air to operate a herrier jet..
now at this point i am just trying to stay in my happy place.. which is by the way.. impossiblewhne the doc is telling you "oh my.. look at your colon.. it is in bad shape.. lok hurry.. at the tv.." i can not tell you the vile things that i dreamt up that i would do to him.. but, i was literally a puppet at the end of a stick.. A BIG, CAMERA EQUIPPED, AIR SHOOTING STICK.. now, you will remember, the nurses.. well, i figured if do not see them they did not exist.. that was until the "incident"... the air that was being shot into my ass had bloated me beyond what my poor gut could hold.. it was time for it to make its escape.. i ripped .. what had to be the loudest expulsion of air know to man.. and with it sprayed globules of vasoline .. now.. the girls i was trying to ignore and put out of my mind, let out a "OH GEESH"..and the ever echo-ing giggle.. i have now been mentally castrated.. the doc.. decides to comment "thats ok.. let it out".. and with the spraying of the vasoline, nurse helga decides that i am a infant of sorts and starts to wipe my ass of excess vasoline.. no more than 10 seconds later, i launch more air and vasoline.. it could not have been louder had you put a mr. microphone near my anus.. the doc says .. and i shit you not.. "WOW!!"..
now if nay of you remember the old commercial of the indian looking at all the trash in the river.. and a tiny tear rools down his face.. well .. you get the pic.. finally the procedure was over.. nurse helga ..still talking about her daughter is cleaning me up.. wiping vasoline from my ass.. amd the student nurses file out of the room but, turn to get one last look at me.. and giggle.... when i was release .. my stomach was still huge and bloated.. now..going home was real treat for my wife as i blew vasoline coated farts all the way home.. yet she still married me.. one of the few who have not seen my anus at this point.. but, married me none the less..

 

[Maverick]

Lats,

Holy shit bro that is the funniest shit I have read in over a year. i was laughing so hard at your anus experince I was crying. whooooo weeeee that was some funny shit.




Mav