PLEASE HELP!!!! OTH AND ANYONE!

[Flex4777]

My girl is in Chicago for a week, so we were pming today.

I brought up somethings that we need to talk about and the same thing happens that alwasy happens when we are in person, She closes me off, i feel rejected, and alomst completely fkn give up!


Here are some of the pm's. Freinds please help!!!!


________________________________________________________--

Originally Posted by FlexsGirl
hey honey, at aunt pam's. i called but you're not around. was hopeing you were here but i was wrong again. hope your having a good day. i'll try you on here again later. (i can get on as long as we're here at pam's) the phone thing is to expensive here and i forgot the phone cards in the hotel.

new years sucked! maybe we can celebrate when i get home. (hint-hint)

talk to you later. i love you. miss you, see you soon
Somer


________________________________________
(Me)

Hi Love, thank you for thinking of me. I Love you soooo much! I only wish i knew how to show you just how much!
You make my world wonderful!!!!!



I am excited for you and ***** to come back home, i miss my girls!
I'm always afraid i'm not being a good dad, but want sooo bad to be a good dad!

**** i want to hold you and look into your eyes, not saying a word, only smiling and tell you how much i Love you with my eyes!
I want you to hold me and Love me, and never be ashamed to be with me, especially in public, i want the whole world to know that I am yours and you are mine!

Gotta eat real quick sweetheart, hit me back if you get a chance.

I Love you with ALL my heart!

Thank you for being in my life!

______________________________
(Her)

i wish you would tell me these things when i'm home. i hate that we wait til one of us, is gone. i want you to be a great dad....but always comes with time. i want to be a great mom, but times i don't feel adequate (?)

i still don't know how else to show you that i love you. i've told you that before. i guess you'll just have to love me just the way i am....no matter what. (messy, insecure, frumpy, & a bad cook) that's just me. i have to learn to loe and accept myself before i'm ever going to be comfortable showing to others.

just don't stop making me feel wonderful and needed.

man i hate it here!!!! i can't take these hell for a house. i wish i could discribe it to you. its too bad for words!!! makes our house (on it's worst day) look like a model home!!! i don't even take off my shoes because i'm afraid of what i might step on or in. eeks!

or what animal is going to get me if i reach under something to find anything. LOL

it sinks like a dirty outhouse in here too. :icon093:

________________________________________-

(me)

I will tell you more when we are together sweetheart i promise! i thought i always do, but maybe i'm just thinking it.

baby you ARE a GREAT mom, i don't know how you do not see that, but you ARE!

You should love yourself precious!!!, because you are an incredible person, with a HUGE heart, beautiful mind, and soul full of wonders, just to name a few!

I'll be more patient with you, i am sorry for being so impatient, but i am a very affectionate person, and it is truly something i NEED! especially from you.
I will learn what you need and give it to you, because i love you precious!

You are my heart! and i want my heart close to me always! never to leave my side!

I noticed on your myspace page, that you are having a reoccurring dream. What is it? I wish you would let me into your world. I want to be close to you baby, and grow more in love TOGETHER!

_________________________________________________

(her)

well my dream, is something i need to figure out. i'm not ready to share exactly what it is just yet. it's not that i don't want you to know, i just don't want it analized, so i keep it to myself. when i'm ready to share, i will tell you. right now is just the right timing, for me. i know you need affection...i need to feel good enough about myself before i'm going to jump into giving somethign away that i don't have in myself. (does that make sence) that's what i'm been trying to tell you forever now. i just don't know how else to explain to it to.

i just want you to except me just the way i am....no matter what

p.s. i'm still feelin......"frisky"

________________________________________
(Me)



Truthfully that whole paragraph just "shut me down" that is what happens, when you shut me out, and close me off like that. Just explaining how i feel.

I do accept you the way you are, no matter what!

That should be more than apparent after all we have gone through in the short time we have been together.

I am just trying to get close to you and grow together as a couple.

I hope you will let me in soon, because it hurts being rejected like that.

I do love you baby, and will do anything for you and love you all my life no matter what, but i also want to have a close loving relationship with you.

Sweetheart i want you to know that you are my world, and i want to give you happiness, and a good life no matter what i have to do to do it!

I want to work harder at US. we deserve it!
_______________________________________________
(her)

gettin kicked off. will try to get back on later.

i love you . see you soon

_________________________________---



then she must have sent a real quick one, before she got offline -


_______________________________--
(her)
Originally Posted by FlexsGirl
i feel like we're fighting. i don't want to fight. i don't like it.

i had a dream about my youth pastor. he said to me that i need to find the right path in my life. to turn around and re-think things that i have choosen and pick a different path. the road that i'm on is not the one the God has choosen for me.

_________________________

(me)


What? I am not fighting with you sweetheart. Just talking about some VERY important issues.

We have to be able to talk to each other about things right?

Since you do not want your dream analyzed, i will respect that, and not give you my thoughts on it, just don't put too much into it, but you don't have to ignore it either.

We arfe not fighting at all, and you can not use that as an excuse to ignore my quesiotns and thgouhts.

Will you please talk to me, i mean we are just typing, it should be easier, you type to other people all the time opening up to them..

on a side note, you not telling me your dream is not what "shut me down" so much as it was the rest of the paragraph.

I love you, just please communicate with me even if it is difficult. It is not easy for me either, but i love you so i will.


_______________________________________--


and those were the last things we're both left to think about when she got off the computer,,, my thoughts, and feelings at the conclusion ... FUCK!!!!!!!!!

 

[PHIL HERNON]

well

She sounds confused and you sound needy. I think you should keep showing her love in person and hopefully she will come to trust you and dump her youth pastor who is filling her head with total bullshit.

 

[Flex4777]

She sounds confused and you sound needy. I think you should keep showing her love in person and hopefully she will come to trust you and dump her youth pastor who is filling her head with total bullshit.

that's the thing i don't think he has even said shit to her, i think it was just a dream. I work with him, and i will call him out on it and see.

I think it's the other way around, i'm not sure if i really trust her, and she just does not know how to, or does not want to open up. That is how she has lived her whole life.

Thanks for commenting bro!. More of your thougts are definately appreciated,and i am here to listen.

even if i have comments back lol

 

[Flex4777]

last couple pm for the night i guess.. any thoughts, welcome and appreciated, an dboth myself and her and us together.

_____________________________--
(her)
-k- wait, i didn't say we were fighting, i said it felt like we were. its not an excuse, i just don't want to fight. period.

i'm trying to open up to you, try to let me. i'm trying to talk to you, just listen. thats all i want. thoughts are fine, but you analize the heck out of everything and i on't want to you analize me. i just want to tell you things without worrying about what comment i'm going to get from it. not that your comments are bad, i just need you to listen.

i need you to quit throwin gthe phrase, "if you're not going _________, then I'm not going to stick around for___________!" that destroys me in more then one way. i need you to know that. it makes me feel like, it's an underlining excuse for you to leave. or an easy way out of our relationship. i don't want to feel this anymore. please.

i guess we're going out in this crazy weather and going bowling. yuck. i'm a sucky bowler. lol. don't know what timw we'll be back but when we get back to the hotel, i'll get back on line. we can chat then if your still up and on here.

til then, i still love you honey! ~kiss~hug~

............still feelin frisky........(hint-hint)

_________________________________-
(me)


Sorry, i will not use that phrase anymore in anyway shape or form. I never meant to use ti in the 1st place, i was just using to point out things in our relationship that we cannot ignore, and have to address, if we are to succeed as a loving couple forever. Namely communication, and comprimising where we need to, grow together in Love.
I love you baby, have fun bowling and i will talk to you later.





_______________________

and now i'm gonna eat 4 turkey burger patties, some brown rice, and gonna relax with fkn dip of copenhagen!lol

 

[Flex4777]

well we have had a few more pm's, but can't pu them up, lol

we'll just say we actually got alto accomplished, i just hope we can continue good communication when she comes back.

I would still like your all's thoughts on what you have seen here thus far.

Does this sound like a couple whom has been engaged since april 07'

Any suggestions for me on something i may be not seeing that i need to change or work on???

thanks for any advice.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

I don't think you have much to be worried about. Most of that looks like the typical ridiculous and unnecessary communication that most couples share. Also, it's not good to talk in text when trying to convey FEELINGs. It's hard enough to correctly verbalize a feeling and sometimes even harder to express it in writing. Too much can be misinterpreted and usually is. It's great that you tell her how much she means to you and how great she is but you seem to feel the need to lay that on pretty thick. Stranger still, is that she actually wants more when she's around you.

I would say that you both sound a bit like you lack confidence in your relationship. Some things you should not have to reaffirm every time you talk to someone. If you both feel the need to do that then there may be some insecurities or low self-esteem. But it's hard to tell from a single conversation played out in text. Even still, almost all couple have some insecurities. The hardest part is deciding whether or not you need to be insecure about anything at all. Usually the anxiety is all for nothing.

 

[Flex4777]

I don't think you have much to be worried about. Most of that looks like the typical ridiculous and unnecessary communication that most couples share. Also, it's not good to talk in text when trying to convey FEELINGs. It's hard enough to correctly verbalize a feeling and sometimes even harder to express it in writing. Too much can be misinterpreted and usually is. It's great that you tell her how much she means to you and how great she is but you seem to feel the need to lay that on pretty thick. Stranger still, is that she actually wants more when she's around you.

I would say that you both sound a bit like you lack confidence in your relationship. Some things you should not have to reaffirm every time you talk to someone. If you both feel the need to do that then there may be some insecurities or low self-esteem. But it's hard to tell from a single conversation played out in text. Even still, almost all couple have some insecurities. The hardest part is deciding whether or not you need to be insecure about anything at all. Usually the anxiety is all for nothing.

I don't actually talk like that in real life. I do tell her she looks good, and thank her when she does cook, i tell her i love her before falling asleep. But i do not talk to her like i wrote, i try to have close intimate communication with her, but she shuts down. Alot of that has to do with her father not being in her life until now. last time he was in her life was when she was very little.

I am very honest with myself, and i do beleive that i have certain insecurities, and low self esteem to a degree. She has both as well also, to different degrees.

I love your last couple of sentences bro, and i couldn't agree more!

Thank you for your input my freind, it is truly appreciated!

Actually it just feels good to talk with someone about it!

much respect,
Flex4777

 

[oldfella]

Flex, As i read your thread and the pm's from you and your girl! it all sounds fairly normal. I'd say that you are both a little insecure with being away from each other. She is not comfortable with where she is and you are not happy being away from her. i agree with Ouch. Most of what I have read just seems normal. it is obvious that you both care for each other so just build on the love you have started. Be open and up front with your feelings for her. It is one thing to convey those feelings by looking into each other's eyes. Quite another to verbalise them while staring intently into those eyes. I also agree with Ouch on the written words..........Very few individulas can express feelings and emotions properly in writing. So choose the words carefully and then type them. Expressions and meaning can get so lost in the translation. But From what i read, And I must say I like what I read so far, you two love each other and are mindful of each others' feelings. Just work on this aspect in person!! She sounds like a nice lady. Tell her how you feel while staring into those eyes. She will open up when she is ready, don't push it too hard and don't look for problems that may not be there.

 

[Sassy]

You know sometimes guys think they have to be "the man" all the time. They have to be strong and do all the "fixing" of problems and other things. They have to take care of everyone... the kids, the dog, the wife, etc. Women need to know that their man needs help or needs them. Maybe your wife needs to hear that you want her help or that you need her too.

When I was married the first time, one of our biggest problems was that I didn't feel like my he needed me. He never asked me for help. He never told me he needed anything for me. He wanted to do everything in his life himself.

Don't isolate the one who loves. Talk to her. Tell her what's going on in your head. Be open and communicate with her. The text messaging is a good start, but I'm with Oldfella... talk to her at home as well.

 

[Flex4777]

Flex, As i read your thread and the pm's from you and your girl! it all sounds fairly normal. I'd say that you are both a little insecure with being away from each other. She is not comfortable with where she is and you are not happy being away from her. i agree with Ouch. Most of what I have read just seems normal. it is obvious that you both care for each other so just build on the love you have started. Be open and up front with your feelings for her. It is one thing to convey those feelings by looking into each other's eyes. Quite another to verbalise them while staring intently into those eyes. I also agree with Ouch on the written words..........Very few individulas can express feelings and emotions properly in writing. So choose the words carefully and then type them. Expressions and meaning can get so lost in the translation. But From what i read, And I must say I like what I read so far, you two love each other and are mindful of each others' feelings. Just work on this aspect in person!! She sounds like a nice lady. Tell her how you feel while staring into those eyes. She will open up when she is ready, don't push it too hard and don't look for problems that may not be there.

Right on my freind! Thank you for the encouragement! It's so true that i try too hard to GET her to open up, when i need to back up a bit and LET her open up. Thanks for the support brother!

 

[Flex4777]

You know sometimes guys think they have to be "the man" all the time. They have to be strong and do all the "fixing" of problems and other things. They have to take care of everyone... the kids, the dog, the wife, etc. Women need to know that their man needs help or needs them. Maybe your wife needs to hear that you want her help or that you need her too.

When I was married the first time, one of our biggest problems was that I didn't feel like my he needed me. He never asked me for help. He never told me he needed anything for me. He wanted to do everything in his life himself.

Don't isolate the one who loves. Talk to her. Tell her what's going on in your head. Be open and communicate with her. The text messaging is a good start, but I'm with Oldfella... talk to her at home as well.

I do sassy, but that is the problem, i'm the only one talking.

I do tell her i need her, and ask for her help, i need her to cook when i don't have time, i need her to do the laundry because i am beat to hell after a 50 + hour work week on top of training. I need her to just sit next to me and put her hands on me, and cuddle up to me.

I am very open with my thoughts and feelings, but i need the same from her, she basically uses the excuse that she is not built that way.


I pay 110% of the bills, and she knows i need help, but i have got no help yet. She works 15 hours a week at a low pay job.

Her daughter will be 3 this jan, and i am her daddy but not her "father". He is not in the picture though so it is a plus, and i love this little girl as my daughter. She's freakin ADOREABLE! i don't how anyone couldn't LOL!

I appreaciate all your thoughts my freinds, It is truly appreciated, and would like to here from more of you.

thanks Sassy.

 

[finny]

I hope everything is ok and will turn out ok. Most sounds normal, but intense. It seems to me that she needs her space sometimes and maybe she feels a bit overwhelmed by your feelings or expression there of. At the same time, she needs to be loved and made feel good.

Those recurring dreams worry me a bit. Don't want to read too much into what she said, but is appears that she is trying to tell you something, maybe from her past or what have you. Or maybe she has some doubts about something - those religious thoughts don't sound too good ('I have to find the right path in my life') . I could be totally wrong here.

It is probably a silly question, but does she appear like she's happy with you? Are you making plans for the future, wedding, etc.? I know one thing for sure, you can't force someone into something that they are not 100% into or are not willing to work on. Mind is a very powerful tool and it is not difficult to talk oneself out of something.

Same goes for you I guess. You have to be sensitive to her needs, space, etc. Obviously, there is something unresolved in her life that will eventually need to be discussed. Just don't push her, give her space, and assure her there you are there for her, you love her unconditionally, and if she needs to tell you something, you are there for her and won't judge her.

I've been in one of those 'uncertain' relationships before and everything fell apart 1 week before a wedding.

 

[Flex4777]

Yeah there is alot more to almost each and every sentence than you can know i guess. I would have to almost explain each and every word, and how and why it was said, for you guys to undertand it all. But i still appreciate the input, thanks.

 

[oldfella]

Sassy makes an excellent point..........We, as men try to be the end all of everything. We try to be strong, not physically as that is the easy part but mentally as well. We try to carry all of our emotional baggage on our own and rarely open up our souls to our ladies. We are afraid to let loose these emotions of ours. Exactly what are we afraid of? Being less a man because we can be sensitive and have our feelings hurt also?? Well this is the point Sassy is trying to make. Flex you need to open up your treasure chest of feelings and emotions with your lady. You need to let her know that it is you also that needs this emotional support. Hell we all do, most of us just never admit it. It is ok to be soft and sensitive once in a while. We suffer the same inside and need an outlet. Ask your girl if she can be your outlet once in a while! It is all well and good to need help and support in the material world, but for her to know we need help from our inner side will open up a whole new avenue of trust and communication. You do this and watch what happens from her end!! The love will be stronger than ever. No harm in having a female shoulder to cry on brother.........No shame at all.

 

[Flex4777]

Sassy makes an excellent point..........We, as men try to be the end all of everything. We try to be strong, not physically as that is the easy part but mentally as well. We try to carry all of our emotional baggage on our own and rarely open up our souls to our ladies. We are afraid to let loose these emotions of ours. Exactly what are we afraid of? Being less a man because we can be sensitive and have our feelings hurt also?? Well this is the point Sassy is trying to make. Flex you need to open up your treasure chest of feelings and emotions with your lady. You need to let her know that it is you also that needs this emotional support. Hell we all do, most of us just never admit it. It is ok to be soft and sensitive once in a while. We suffer the same inside and need an outlet. Ask your girl if she can be your outlet once in a while! It is all well and good to need help and support in the material world, but for her to know we need help from our inner side will open up a whole new avenue of trust and communication. You do this and watch what happens from her end!! The love will be stronger than ever. No harm in having a female shoulder to cry on brother.........No shame at all.

EXCELLENT POST BRO!

It seems though, in this case i am the one opening up and she is the one keeping "bottled up". I just need to give her some time with some loving patience for her to work some things out in her mind,and heart, and with things in her past that she has not completely delt with emotionally.

I will follow your advice brother and apply it where needed in our realtionship, it is great advice, and i truly thank you for it.

 

[Sassy]

Sassy makes an excellent point..........We, as men try to be the end all of everything. We try to be strong, not physically as that is the easy part but mentally as well. We try to carry all of our emotional baggage on our own and rarely open up our souls to our ladies. We are afraid to let loose these emotions of ours. Exactly what are we afraid of? Being less a man because we can be sensitive and have our feelings hurt also?? Well this is the point Sassy is trying to make. Flex you need to open up your treasure chest of feelings and emotions with your lady. You need to let her know that it is you also that needs this emotional support. Hell we all do, most of us just never admit it. It is ok to be soft and sensitive once in a while. We suffer the same inside and need an outlet. Ask your girl if she can be your outlet once in a while! It is all well and good to need help and support in the material world, but for her to know we need help from our inner side will open up a whole new avenue of trust and communication. You do this and watch what happens from her end!! The love will be stronger than ever. No harm in having a female shoulder to cry on brother.........No shame at all.

But she needs to open up too. It take communication on both parts. She needs to help out around the house too. Both people have to meet each other half way. It's ok to pick up the slack for one person when that person is having a hard time, but it wears a person down to have to do it all the time.

 

[oldfella]

But she needs to open up too. It take communication on both parts. She needs to help out around the house too. Both people have to meet each other half way. It's ok to pick up the slack for one person when that person is having a hard time, but it wears a person down to have to do it all the time.

100%.........Agreed!

This is why I love this community so much. Damn we have some great bros and sis's here.

 

[JETHRO TULL]

FLEX4777, Man, a few thoughts come to mind.

I do sassy, but that is the problem, i'm the only one talking.

I do tell her i need her, and ask for her help, i need her to cook when i don't have time, i need her to do the laundry because i am beat to hell after a 50 + hour work week on top of training. I need her to just sit next to me and put her hands on me, and cuddle up to me.

I am very open with my thoughts and feelings, but i need the same from her, she basically uses the excuse that she is not built that way.


I pay 110% of the bills, and she knows i need help, but i have got no help yet. She works 15 hours a week at a low pay job.

Her daughter will be 3 this jan, and i am her daddy but not her "father". He is not in the picture though so it is a plus, and i love this little girl as my daughter. She's freakin ADOREABLE! i don't how anyone couldn't LOL!

I appreaciate all your thoughts my freinds, It is truly appreciated, and would like to here from more of you.

thanks Sassy.

FIRST- Man, if I had a chic that was bugging me the way you are about opening up, sharing my thoughts and feelings, etc. I WOULD GO INSANE! Lol.

Not hacking on you man, just telling you, I COULDN'T HANDLE IT. I got green around the gills when I read your first post. I personally think the more you DEMAND a specific behavior, the less likely you are to recieve it in the correct spirit. I'd much rather have a girl's actions show her love than a bunch of empty talk. Every heard the saying, "talk is cheap"? It's true. Any girl that was IN LOVE with me, made it very obvious. You don't have to ask, Flex4777.

Example of a question I would find extremely annoying were I to be asked too often:

Question- Do you love me?

Answer- Yes, for the fucking 100th time, I love you!

SECOND- Look at your feelings, Flex. You "feel" that she needs to tell you how much she loves you, you "feel" that she needs to open up and share her thoughts constantly.

My suggestion to you? Examine those feelings. Think long and hard about WHY you are having them and then take some action.

Here are some things that crossed my mind just from what you've shared with us so far:

Do you think maybe it's possible your FEELINGS and need for constant reasurrance center around the fact that you've moved this woman AND her little girl in, you pay 110% of the bills, you are working your ass off 50 hours per week, and you clean the house? Hell, I'd be asking myself what sort of partner that is as well.

I CAN see what she's getting out of the situation. Maybe she's not showing you her feelings because deep down she doesn't want to use you, but IS looking for a guy that doesn't mind taking on a woman AND her child.

I think maybe you got in too deeply, too quickly. Once again that screams NEEDY.

Again, I am not hacking on you. To be honest I think you have to really examine yourself and answer some tough questions. Why did you decide to get engaged to a woman who you are so unsure of in such an important decision in your life?

 

[Flex4777]

FIRST- Man, if I had a chic that was bugging me the way you are about opening up, sharing my thoughts and feelings, etc. I WOULD GO INSANE! Lol.

Not hacking on you man, just telling you, I COULDN'T HANDLE IT. I got green around the gills when I read your first post. I personally think the more you DEMAND a specific behavior, the less likely you are to recieve it in the correct spirit. I'd much rather have a girl's actions show her love than a bunch of empty talk. Every heard the saying, "talk is cheap"? It's true. Any girl that was IN LOVE with me, made it very obvious. You don't have to ask, Flex4777.

Example of a question I would find extremely annoying were I to be asked too often:

Question- Do you love me?

Answer- Yes, for the fucking 100th time, I love you!

SECOND- Look at your feelings, Flex. You "feel" that she needs to tell you how much she loves you, you "feel" that she needs to open up and share her thoughts constantly.

My suggestion to you? Examine those feelings. Think long and hard about WHY you are having them and then take some action.

Here are some things that crossed my mind just from what you've shared with us so far:

Do you think maybe it's possible your FEELINGS and need for constant reasurrance center around the fact that you've moved this woman AND her little girl in, you pay 110% of the bills, you are working your ass off 50 hours per week, and you clean the house? Hell, I'd be asking myself what sort of partner that is as well.

I CAN see what she's getting out of the situation. Maybe she's not showing you her feelings because deep down she doesn't want to use you, but IS looking for a guy that doesn't mind taking on a woman AND her child.

I think maybe you got in too deeply, too quickly. Once again that screams NEEDY.

Again, I am not hacking on you. To be honest I think you have to really examine yourself and answer some tough questions. Why did you decide to get engaged to a woman who you are so unsure of in such an important decision in your life?

Wow! Just what i needed to hear brother!

It seems i just have always been that way. I have always been the "more open one" in almost every realtionship i've ever had.

It's all to true that the more you demand a behavior, the less likely you are to get it. I do back off for quite a while then it gets to the point where if i don't see it, i get frustratated and pissed, shutting down then myself, and almost giving up, but i don't give up with her though, becaue i love her. In the past i would have just moved on and or stayed alone.

It's funny because at the begining of our realtionship i was COMPLETELY pushing her away. I did not want to be with anyone, and hadn't been in a serious realtionship for years, nor did i want one.

I don't necessarily need her to tell me how much she loves, but show me how much she loves me. The problem is that we jsut kind of have a different "love language". Mine is with voice, gifts, touch, and her is more of just something she feels and i'm supposed to know it! lol

It's not more sex i'm after either, as that is above and beyond in that area in a very good way! lol but i just want her to come up to me and grab my arm or whatever and just "love me with her touch" lol

Actually she cleans the house, it's just a disaster most of the time though lol, and i do not have the time or energy. I take out the trash, and clean up after myself, the mess is from her and our lilttle girl.

It's true that in the past i have gotten in too deep to quickly, and was very careful with this girl to not do that.

To answer your last question. I love her, she loves me, and we want to be together. I was in jail for 3 months and without her. I wanted to never be apart from her again, nor do i now want to ever be apart from her. Not that I absolutely need her, i want to be with her, and beleive she wants the same.

I knew she was truly in love with me before we got together, then she messed up in a few ways and i lost trust in her, and it is still taking some much needed time to regain that trust in her.

Great post brother, and i apprecaite you taking the time.

This is really helping me take a truthful look at myself, and my realtionhip, which is what i need to do.

thank you again.