Questions for all members

[OuchThatHurts]

Dating question: Want some opinions here. How do you interpret your status? Traditionally, it's been courtship, engagement, and then finally marriage.

So along those lines, when do you consider your relationships to be exclusive?

During the courtship phase or maybe the engagement phase? Obviously marriage is exclusive. Do you date multiple people at once or is that against your rules? Or maybe when do you stop dating multiple people and focus on one.

Strictly speaking, unless you are engaged or married, you can do what you like because there is no formal declaration of exclusivity. There are a lot of girlfriends and boyfriends out there so how do you interpret that? There are no rings, no marriage engagements, etc. How do you determine when it's alright to see other people and when it's not?

It's probably different for every person so I'm interested in your views.

When is it cheating?

 

[Designbuilt]

That's a tough one. It depends on the person you're dating. IMO, it also depends on how often you see that person. In addtion to that, what your intensions are. Obviously if you are just having sex with the person and it's kind of like an assumed, mutual agreement that goes without saying.

But if it's a person who lets say, won't have sex with you for about a month or so, and you know that they aren't having sex with anyone esle (as if you would stick around if they were)

It would seem unfair to go having one nighters on your own. Some people would, and it seems justifiable.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it depends on how you feel about that person, there is no textbook, written in stone rule.

I would say, go with how you feel about it, would you like it if that person slept with other people?

In some instances sure, if it's someone from work or near work lets say, and you know that they see and sleep with other people, you're both fine with that, than there is no harm because you're both consenting adults.

On the other hand, I would likely not go any further in that type of relationship, because I would have to put it in my head that's as far as it's going, so that wouldn't apply in this case.

But if your intensions were to go further with someone, you don't jump into bed right away, (or even if you do), you can always discuss it before hand. I've done it and it worked out fine.

I asked my wife, when we first started dating if she would mind if I saw an old girlfriend, she said that she didn't, that was very early on.

We started seeing eachother more regularly, eventually moved in together and about 1 year later married. We have been together for about 10 years and married for 8 1/2.

Honesty and communication is the key. You have to agree with the person what type of relationship you have, is it ok, or isn't it? Then you wont have any doubts.

JMO,

DB

 

[OuchThatHurts]

That's a tough one. It depends on the person you're dating. IMO, it also depends on how often you see that person. In addtion to that, what your intensions are. Obviously if you are just having sex with the person and it's kind of like an assumed, mutual agreement that goes without saying.

But if it's a person who lets say, won't have sex with you for about a month or so, and you know that they aren't having sex with anyone esle (as if you would stick around if they were)

It would seem unfair to go having one nighters on your own. Some people would, and it seems justifiable.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it depends on how you feel about that person, there is no textbook, written in stone rule.

I would say, go with how you feel about it, would you like it if that person slept with other people?

In some instances sure, if it's someone from work or near work lets say, and you know that they see and sleep with other people, you're both fine with that, than there is no harm because you're both consenting adults.

On the other hand, I would likely not go any further in that type of relationship, because I would have to put it in my head that's as far as it's going, so that wouldn't apply in this case.

But if your intensions were to go further with someone, you don't jump into bed right away, (or even if you do), you can always discuss it before hand. I've done it and it worked out fine.

I asked my wife, when we first started dating if she would mind if I saw an old girlfriend, she said that she didn't, that was very early on.

We started seeing eachother more regularly, eventually moved in together and about 1 year later married. We have been together for about 10 years and married for 8 1/2.

Honesty and communication is the key. You have to agree with the person what type of relationship you have, is it ok, or isn't it? Then you wont have any doubts.

JMO,

DB

So for you, it's a "do unto others" type of deal? If you don't want her to, you don't either?

 

[Designbuilt]

So for you, it's a "do unto others" type of deal? If you don't want her to, you don't either?

Exactly, because it's between two people, it should be a mutual understanding. If you don't care that the other person is not exclusive, then you shouldn't have to be, but both of you should agree on this. That also applies to both parties agreeing on exclusivity.

 

[Ness]

Im married now but...

In my day it really was about the personal investment. I look at it how I look at the financial market. I invest heavily in sectors that I see value in and less in those that didnt look so good. Having a broad portfolio is always safer than putting all your eggs in one basket. I always thought that this method was healthier, kept your value higher, made you more stable, and you could afford to weather the highs and lows. Its all about risk management and your stability.

Allow your dating prospects to see this and they will respect you more and they will in turn see more value in you. As a result, you start getting a lot of investments coming your way. This is when you can make your own choices based on what you value in turn. If they run from this, you'll know that they are unable to take risks, nor do they have the confindence that you deserve in a long and progressive relationship.

 

[oliveironni]

When is it cheating?

I'm dating the same girl is going to be 2 years in the 7th of December, and I think that's shitting all the time.

One thing is having a night of pleasure with a girls and you both agree that is one night and nothing more. When it comes to a serious relationship it's different.

Just me opinion!

 

[pesty4077]

A commitment is a commitment IMO if you want to stray, don't tell her she is your one and only. In my 20"s when I work at a nightclub, I went out with alot of girls. I told every one I was dating others. Now that I am grown and take on certain obligations, I feel responsible for my wife, through good or bad. Just think as it going to the gym, you might not see immediate results, but in the long run it will be worth while. It is easier to give up and not take on obligations, then to press on. If you feel like you need to be with others, she isn't that special one.

 

[thebrick]

For me, its all about the potential I'm feeling. If its a woman that I really like and we're feeling the "click", I put my interest and energy into that exclusively… but I'm not good at juggling and I tend to be a convergent in my thinking.

 

[tomuchgear]

i always looked at it this way. if i called the girl my girlfriend then on my end it was exclusive. any girl that i just considerd dating well was just that. enguagment should be exclusive but i guess its not always. marriage is def exclusive. i dunno i never had commitment issues so staying faithful once any commitment was made wasnt to difficult.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

So I'm curious. When you guys say "I went out with" or "I dated" what exactly are you saying? You actually went out on dates? Or is "I was dating a girl" the same as "I was sleeping with a girl"?

Ness, I would have never thought to use that analogy! I laughed while reading it but it does seem to be true doesn't it? Your method would be drawing on the competitive nature of dating/mating. Have to be careful though. Don't want to create an inflated valuation of your stock through perceived demand. LOL

I hear what you're saying brick. There is definitely that moment where you decide, "Okay, so I think this is the one" and then devote your time and loyalty there.

This is all good reading!

 

[blackhole2]

When is it cheating?

When both parts decide that they are in a committed MONOGAMOUS relationship.

Being in a relationship does not imply by default that you are monogamous.

I know people that are in an open relationship everybody is fine with that and they still are commited.

I know various degrees and different arrangements and everybody is fine.

The key is quite simple my friend: COMUNICATION!

Every couple is different therefore the boundaries of your relationship should be determined in agreement with the other one not trough assumptions.

The agreement that worked for me was quite simple: we where dating for a while and one day I realized that I didn't feel like fucking nobody else.

We talked and I stated that I believe that monogamy is like capitalism: maybe not the best system but the one that works best.

At that moment I could get a yes a no or a perhaps and them see if we would be able to negotiate an arrangement.

Fortunately I got a yes and there have been almost 9 years, if I had gotten another answer I have no idea what my reaction would be.
My suggestion for you is: do some soul searching see what you are looking for and if she is the right one, them talk and ask her what she is looking for and maybe you guys have a shot at finding it together.
You know why?
If you can not COMMUNICATE to each other you are doomed.

Good luck bro.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

When both parts decide that they are in a committed MONOGAMOUS relationship.

Being in a relationship does not imply by default that you are monogamous.

I know people that are in an open relationship everybody is fine with that and they still are commited.

I know various degrees and different arrangements and everybody is fine.

The key is quite simple my friend: COMUNICATION!

Every couple is different therefore the boundaries of your relationship should be determined in agreement with the other one not trough assumptions.

The agreement that worked for me was quite simple: we where dating for a while and one day I realized that I didn't feel like fucking nobody else.

We talked and I stated that I believe that monogamy is like capitalism: maybe not the best system but the one that works best.

At that moment I could get a yes a no or a perhaps and them see if we would be able to negotiate an arrangement.

Fortunately I got a yes and there have been almost 9 years, if I had gotten another answer I have no idea what my reaction would be.
My suggestion for you is: do some soul searching see what you are looking for and if she is the right one, them talk and ask her what she is looking for and maybe you guys have a shot at finding it together.
You know why?
If you can not COMMUNICATE to each other you are doomed.

Good luck bro.

I'm okay! I'm just trying to get a conversation going. I'm happily single at the moment if you can believe it. So to you, that moment occurs when you both communicate that notion of monogamy to each other?

 

[halflife]

To me, dating more than one girl is fine - as long as there is no relationship or commitment. But once you are in a relationship by default it monogamous. Cheating includes kissing others and on up.

But once again that is my view.

 

[blackhole2]

I'm okay! I'm just trying to get a conversation going. I'm happily single at the moment if you can believe it. So to you, that moment occurs when you both communicate that notion of monogamy to each other?

Precisely, assumptions can start wars.

 

[tomuchgear]

dating for me is not relative to sex. dating is just that, dating. going out to dinner, movies, walks what ever.

 

[phoenix13]

I'm happily single at the moment if you can believe it. So to you, that moment occurs when you both communicate that notion of monogamy to each other?

I also am happily single at the moment. I am enjoying getting to know people, not being "serious" about it. Dating can be just going out, getting to know each other, with or without sex.

For me, it is cheating when there is an agreement b/t both parties that the relationship is exclusive. Otherwise, no, it's not cheating. I think it's important to be up front about what you are expecting or not expecting of the other person. Of course, some people say they want it to be a certain way, but in reality they're not cool with it. Time reveals that. I have been guilty of that myself in the past. Not everyone is mature and secure enough to handle it.

 

[thebrick]

Phoenix and Ouch watch out. When you are happily single, that's when you meet someone that could be "the one" happens every time.

 

[pesty4077]

Phoenix and Ouch watch out. When you are happily single, that's when you meet someone that could be "the one" happens every time.

Ouch, If she is mexican, you better really watch out!

 

[thebrick]

Ouch, If she is mexican, you better really watch out!

I'll 2nd that!

 

[oldfella]

LO< tyhere could be so many different responses to this! It really is a matter of interpretation as to the response here. The key word mentioned here is communication. If you are going to have a "casual" relationship which I guess is the same as an open one then as long as both parties know the rules dating others is fine. As for the sexual side of things, I guess the smae rule applies. If there is no commitment from either party then pretty much anything goes. Being single has good points and not so good points. I guess as long as you have some cool friends with benfits of the opposite sex then being single is fun.

Once a commitment is given to each other then I feel that seeing (dating or otherwise) others is cheating. SO the commitment can be in the form of a verbal agreement between you both, a ring on a finger or marriage proposal. If it is the latter then I would say a commitment has already been given.