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Suspecting an Innocent GF of cheating??? confusion

PsyT

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Aug 30, 2009
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Hello, I need to share what is in my mind...I do not have anybody to talk to about this problem and just need help/thoughts from unbiased/rational people. I am being progressively tormented by these thoughts (sometimes its better than other times but lately its been really hard). Please treat this issue with sensitivity and the person involved other than me because I deeply, deeply care and respect her (she is in my mind the mother of my future children and my future wife). I apologize if it is too long...I really need to get this out though so thank you in advance to anybody with the patience to read it through and give me feedback. You are my brothers.

For the past few weeks, I've been bothered by the idea that my girlfriend would or is cheating on me. The part that confuses me is that I have no reason to suspect she is. She is a great girl, very supportive, does not drink, stays at home almost entirely (besides work/gym/ and day trips with me out hiking, exploring, swimming in rivers/lakes, etc). We also have a pretty active sex-life...we usually have sex 5-6 times a week sometimes twice a day, once every few days we won't have sex since she works long hours and also has some dietary issues which leave her drained occasionally.

She confided to me recently (after being together for about 9 months) that she has somewhat of a dark history - alcoholism/meth use and also very loose with sex for a few year period while she was relapsing with drinking/meth. It was extremely painful to me to hear her tell me about how she let some dude fuck her for drugs (it was an unspoken agreement apparently) and how she lost complete control multiple times. I took on her burden/regret at the time as just a 'fact of life' - I figured (to myself) "it is what it is and nobody is perfect" while I comforted her while she cried and whimpered about the pain she still feels for this period of time. I didnt then and dont know blame her or think she is any less of a person because of it. I subscribe to the idea of "that which doesnt kill us, makes us stronger". I also have a somewhat sordid past (dont we all to some extent) and am far from an angel (unprotected sex, intravenous drug use, DUI).

A few nights after she confided to me I had terrible dreams about her and other men. In my dreams she was not maliciously trying to hurt me by fucking these other men...she was being manipulated by them (not physically but mentally/emotionally) and coerced into sex. I saw her fragility and others' ability to control her to get what they want (sex with an attractive girl).

A few days go by and we have a talk again about her past. This time I am much more distraught about the situation. We also talk about during a three month period we were broken up how she slept with another person. I say that this upsets me and I think it was promiscuous of her. It was the wrong thing to say. She gets extremely insulted (since I was the one that broke up with her during that period) and extremely mad at me and begins to storm out of the house. I am incredibly pissed at myself for being the world's biggest asshole (accusing my girl of being a slut when I KNEW she has had problems previously being accused of this) and I smash a hole in the wall with my fist and feel my temple blood veins just about exploding.

She returns after a little while and voices her alarm at me for the hole and is scared and asks me if I am OK. We then have a very deep discussion about how I feel and she becomes very nurturing/motherly and holds me while I break down and cry and admit that I am scared about the future and scared about myself that I will fail to be the man that I want to be (I'm 27 fyi). She begins crying and assures me with a very openheart that she would never betray me and she wants to be with me forever and that she was crushed/severely depressed when I broke up with her last time. We then had very spiritual/emotional sex and spent the rest of the evening bonding laying together.

I am sure that time will heal me...or I was that night...but now I keep on waking up and having the thoughts about her betraying me. It is torturing me. I dont want to talk with her anymore about this because I already feel like I put too much on her about it and plus I have absolutely zero reason to believe it is/will happen. I dont know what to do...the thought deeply disturbs me of another man getting to fuck my girlfriend (what if he impregnated her for instance? I couldnt put my gf through DNA testing since that would be an insult to her and our relationship...but you see how these thoughts infiltrate/taint every part of the process?).

Please any help/guidance from anybody?
 
Last edited:

thereaper

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i feel you brother

delete
 
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mrwizyrd

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I think a lot of your suspicion is coming from the dreams (which were of course triggered by your discussion about her past). Dreams, while not real, can cause very real emotional reactions and feelings. Sometimes the emotional aspects of our dreams are forgotten and stay in our subconscious and make themselves present in different ways. These emotional reactions can cause more stress, and eventually more dreams and more emotional responses. It can be a slippery slope.

Jealousy, or the suspicion of being betrayed, can cause a huge amount of issues. But the absolute worst thing you can do is ignore them, or try to hide them. Depending on how deep your bond with her is, you might be able to talk to her about it, and tell her how you feel. But if your bond isn't that great, it might push her away, or think that you are projecting these suspicions onto her because you are cheating. The other option would be to talk to a therapist.
 

FordTurboDiesel

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Aug 14, 2007
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Seems to me by telling you she planted a seed and your letting it grow. The nightmares don't help either.

Good luck. If your both that head over heels for one another, maybe you should seek some joint consultation and get everything out there before it builds into something you both can't handle.

IMO
 

Gambel

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All in Your Mind...

It sounds like she has been a great girlfriend to you during your time together and really has not exhibited any sort of behavior that would warrant your concerns. The disgression while you were broken up for 3 months is understandable given that she probably thought your relationship was permanently over because you had broken up with her.

Whenver you have poor thoughts about her, just remind yourself that all of these "thoughts" are simply a figment of your imagination. Your mind is creating a "false" reality and you are being forced to react emotionally to it. That then carries over to your dreams. My recommendation would be that whenver a negative thought begins to creep into your mind:

1. Remind yourself that it is just a THOUGHT. It is NOT reality and you have no evidence to believe that it is reality.

2. Shift your mind to think about something positive that she has done or some of her many positive attributes. These positive attributes and positive things she has done are REALITY.

Remember, all of this is just a creation of your mind. Like you have control over your physical, you can exhibit that same control over your mind to begin to block out these negative thoughts.

Best of luck to you, bro.

-G
 

J4CKT

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Everyone will have thoughts of a similar nature from time to time.. I certainly
have.

Like others have said these are just thoughts and the human imagination is
powerful..

The only advice I have is trust her unless you are given a reason not to.
From what you have described she has done just about everything to the
contrary. She told told you about aspects of her life that most likely very few
(if any) people know.

It shows she has trust in you. No matter what you may be thinking from
time to time, just ask yourself - Have I seen ANYTHING that should make me
question her? If the answer is no, let it go.

The less time you spend on this in your head, the better.

Hope all goes well.
 

kingdawg98

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It seems that you let you're paranoia get the best of you. Just talk it out with friends. Trust, seems like a major issue for you. Those kind of thoughts when left alone will steam roll into something crazy. I feel you though, funny thing is I went thru the same thing at exactly your age, with my FIRST love. Looking back at it, it's something i laugh at because i see that I was just a kid in love for the first time. You'll get over it, just don't hold on too tight, you'll drive yourself insane.
 

triathloncoach

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Quiet your mind

That's from The Clone Wars I think. If she stays sober it sounds like you have very little to worry about. (but doesn't everyone in love feels vulnerable to hurt? Caring makes you vulnerable). I worry about my 2 young kids all day long getting hurt. Could they? Sure, but prob not.

My other reality check to you is that while she may be a great girl, she has a boat load more baggage than most. We are all human, but she seems more human than most. And just like I would, it's driving you a bit crazy.

How long has she been sober? does she drink or do other drugs. I'm alcohol free for nearly 3 years myself, so I'm not moralizing here. Recovering drug addicts are potential time bombs. You are upset she was with another guy after you dumped her. I'd be happy she didn't turn to drugs. How about you, during your break up were you celibate?

You're a big boy, but your gut is telling you this is too much for you. Maybe time will put you at ease and she'll earn your trust. But an objective opinion would say a former drug addict and prostitute may not be the ideal choice in a wife and mother. But the heart will do what it will do. I respect you sharing and I respect how you are trying to handle this. I'd go see a therapist.
 

PsyT

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Aug 30, 2009
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Thank you to you all for voicing your thoughts to me about my situation...it helps me get perspective.

I had something of a breakthrough last night while I was drifting to sleep. An odd thing happened to me during the afternoon after I posted this thread. An old friend called me and told me she had a dream about me that I was very upset and calling out to her for help. She woke up from her nap and immediately called me and asked me if I needed any help. I took it as a sign and begun to describe her my situation. It helped talking to her and hearing her view on love/trust.

My breakthrough sounds really simple now that I think back on it. I realize I have two choices. 1) I can mistrust this girl and live my life with this uncomfortable monkey of mistrust on my back, letting it taint and ruin everything. Or, 2) I can trust this girl with my heart and let the chips fall where they may.

I CHOOSE to be a person that does the second option. I want to live my life trusting the people I love and that love me. I dont want to live my life in fear/doubt/distrust. I would rather get to the end of it and have my heart broken and fractured irreparably than to have lived my life doublechecking and doubting all girls that I have in a romantic relationship. I believe in my heart if I live true then this girl will not let me down.

TriathalonCoach, your words helped me get an objective reading on her...I know in my heart she is not exactly the most undamaged girl on the planet...she has had problems with drugs, cutting herself, sexuality (willing and unwilling encounters sadly enough), food disorder, and so on...:(

But, there is a flipside to the fact that she has had these problems...she has learned a tremendous amount about herself and the world and is still not cynical (despite having enough shit happen to her to make most people become cynical). I also believe the power of my love can heal past traumas.

thanks everybody for the responses
 

GymDudeVA

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Nov 19, 2004
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She sounds like a keeper.

I think you have some depression, which is leading to low self-esteem and paranoia. If you can, see a shrink, and ask your dr. about anti-depressants. I hate to say it, but this probably won't go away on its own unless you are very proactive about tackling it.
 

Anarky

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i completely disagree with looking to Anti depressants. The thoughts you are having are normal for most males out there that are not even in your shoes. The fact that she trust you enough to let her in on her past speaks wonders. If she is giving you know current reasons for not trusting her dont reach for things that arent there. good luck bro!
 

BOOMSHAKER

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Sometimes sitting down and talking helps a great deal. It doesn't always have to be deep down stuff. Just every day conversations. People need to hear other peoples voices for many different reasons. In your case you just need to hear her voice say she loves you. And so in return you say it to her and reassure her you do as well. What is done is done. What was the past is the past. Make it a point just to sit and talk while eating dinner, or watching tv. You'll soon find out that her voice will carry you over the night and wake up feeling better every day. Good luck brother.
 

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