this time i messed up BIG!!!

[flexmaster]

well, my now ex girlfriend and i had been together for a little over a year when she broke up with me. this is quite the long story but i will try and hit the main points. during our relationship i caught my dad and brother (on seperate occasions) using my laptop to look up porn. my girl found it on the computer when she would type in a url and one of those sites would pop up. she confronted me about it both times and i told her it was not me and i would never do that to her. i did not look at porn, because i view it as cheating on my girl. i would not want her to do that to me so why would i do that to her. also, when she did confront me about these sites on my comp. she was really upset. she told me she would never be with anyone who looks at porn. well, 2 weeks ago she found out that i looked at a site. i dont know why i did, and to be honest it was pretty retarded. i was only on there for at the most 2 min, and didn't even get turned on. i actually felt bad because i knew she would never do this to me and i turned it off. when she confronted me i told her, yes it was me...and she broke up with me. we have still been talking and i a trying as hard as i can to make her feel like she can trust me again. but here is where it gets tricky...she left for monterrey mexico on exchange for school a little over 1 week ago. so all i can do is talk to her. i cannot see her and try and make things bettter. also, even though niether of us drinks, or likes that scene, i am worried about her down there because eveyrone she knows is constantly asking her to go out. we are still on semi-good terms in that we have been talking a fair amount, but now she says she needs space and time to feel like she's not my girlfriend so she can figure out what she wants to do. so i cannot talk with her more than once per week. i am dieing here. i miss her so much, and am so scared i will not be with her again. i know i can trust her while she's down there because she has the strongest character of anyone i've ever met, we are both christians and dont drink, do drugs, or party. i know i can trust her down there, but its driving me crazy. she said she just needs time, and wants to be back with me but doesn't know if thats what she should do. she doesn't want to put herself back in a situation where she could be hurt again in the future. which i completely understand. i am trying so hard to giver her the time she needs but i am dieing without her. it was only one time, an i felt so bad that it only lasted less than 2 min., but it still happened...i need advice. what should i do? i dont want her to think i want it to be over so i want to talk with her everyday and keep our relationship strong, but she said she still feels like my girlfriend when we do this, please help me.

 

[flexmaster]

here is the email she just sent me...

****my name****, hey thanks for the letter. and sorry that i had to go so fast
last night, i would've liked to keep talking to you too(she had to go because she was on her host families line because she is almost out of minutes on her cell phone) . anyway, i
really hope you're being sincere when you say that you're over
everything for the most part. that really is a big deal for me. i
just don't think it makes for a happy, and healthy couple to have
these resentful grudges that cause ill feelings and jealousy. and
****my name**** i know that you're really sorry about what has happened. and i
can almost honestly say that i believe that this will never happen
again. i think that you've learned a big lesson and will never make
this mistake twice. but than there's the part of me that doesn't know
what to do right now. maybe god made this surface for a reason so we
could have sometime apart to grow and get over things, and then work
on the littlle flaws in our relationship that could of been better
(like the jealousy thing.) or maybe one of us will never get over
things, and will be apart forever ( i hope this isn't the case) but
either way i don't have the answers right now. i don't really know
what to do, but i do know that god knows what he's doing and i just
need to be patient and see what happens and how i feel. but know that
i'm thinking about you, and that i love you very much. thanks for
being understanding of me and everything. i'll talk to you soon i
hope, kate

 

[di8kids]

You know, Flex,

Even the best of us mess up from time to time. There is so much stuff out there that can lead us in the wrong direction. From what I can tell, the porn thing is not something that you normally would do or get into. It seems as though you are repentent of what had been done.

Just be the best you can be. It looks as though your girlfriend is not really ready to close the relationship. If she is the one for you, things will work out.

I pray for the best for you,
Sincerely,
Di

 

[tbonus]

looking at porn is cheating? Oh shit. What if you look at porn together? Are you cheating on each other while viewing the porn?

 

[flexmaster]

Even the best of us mess up from time to time. There is so much stuff out there that can lead us in the wrong direction. From what I can tell, the porn thing is not something that you normally would do or get into. It seems as though you are repentent of what had been done.

Just be the best you can be. It looks as though your girlfriend is not really ready to close the relationship. If she is the one for you, things will work out.

I pray for the best for you,
Sincerely,
Di

thank you di8kids, thank you for taking the time to to read ad write what you did. from a woman's perspective, what would you want your husband/boyfriend to do in this situation?

 

[flexmaster]

looking at porn is cheating? Oh shit. What if you look at porn together? Are you cheating on each other while viewing the porn?

i dont know if you are being sarcastic or asking an honest question so i'll take it as an honest question because i wouldn't make jokes on someone's thread when they are obviously going through rough times...we both view it as cheating in the sense that it's not just the physical act of cheating with someone, but by "cheating" on them in your heart and or mind it is just as bad. the intentions of the heart are just as important, and sometimes more important than the actions of the body. anyone can say or do things they dont mean, but your intentions are obvious if you really look at yourself honestly. would you want your girl looking at some guy on the internet that you think she would find attractive? what about talking on the phone to an ex about stuff they used to do together(sexually) and how great it was? its the same thing imho...this is why i feel so bad because i know she would never do anything like this.

 

[maxsupplements]

good luck, ill be praying for you

flex,
look bro, what you did is a common mistake made by all men, be it actaully lookng or even just a quick thought of a girl passing you on the street, wondering, "hmm, wonder what she looks like naked?". we are all victims to our own desires and brains. so, you do seem as if this is something you didnt do intentionally, first off, i would wonder as to why she is snooping on your computer? i know you dont do anything for her not to trust you, but she must have some sort of curiousity about you doing things like this to make her do it. Do you feel as if your relationship was ROCK solid before she found this stuff out the second time? you know, did she find this out right before she left? i mean RIGHT before? if that was the case, then i would wonder as to if she did this just to clear things up for herself before she left town. you know, long distance relationships are the hardest to be in. but also can teach you alot about your self and your relationship and self discpline.
You can make it through this, but i must stress to you, dont look like a sappy puppy to her right now, i know you want her to feel your emotion and that you apologize for what you did, but you must keep her attracted to you in order for you to get her back. seriously. so, you must seem attractive, and almost *cool* about the whole thing. so, continue to act like you love her, and give her compliments but at the same time, bust her balls a little bit, treat her as you would your bratty little sister, you know, bust some jokes, keep it light and fun. not emotional and sad. you will thank yourself for being strong, because after all, what is it that is attractive to women? confidence, assertiveness, strength, and above all, control of your emotions. women are not attracted to sad, emotional, weak, sappy average guys.
I might be completely off track on this, but it also sounds as if you might be a believer. and if you are, i cannot stress to you enough to put your faith in God in a situation like this, you know, me can move mountains and make miracles happen. So, if thats the case, pray for her. pray for her strength and that god will protect her while she is away. and pray for yourself, we all need prayer.
good luck. and if you want to talk, PM me.

 

[tbonus]

No bro, I really wasnt making fun. I wanted to know if you considered it cheating. That is all.
With her being so far away, just be her friend right now and from what I've read, I am sure she will do the same.
As for your question about my wife looking at porn, it doesnt bother me in the least bit. I am confident that she wants to be with me. Her looking at someone else might just spice things up a little. After you are married 10 years you might think differently, who knows.

 

[Hudson]

Im going to get flamed for this but I really hate to see a guy put himself in this situation. Im probably a little older than you and have been there and done that with all this nonsense.

Stop kicking yourself about the porn thing. I actually agree that its cheating, but in my opinion she is using it to mask her actual intentions.

Both of you are probably young, and I know you will hate to hear this, but look at her actions and not what she's saying. People lie with their mouths but what they do always tells the real story.

I think shes keeping you on the hook, either in case things dont work out with someone else or in meeting someone else. Or simply because she doesnt have the courage to let you down hard.

In any case following after her like a puppy isnt going to win her back. Right now its clear she takes you for granted, and most likely doesnt think she'd mind much if you did leave her for someone else. Rather than follow Id withdraw. People in general, but women even more so, value only what is unattainable

 

[di8kids]

Just not look at the porn....

thank you di8kids, thank you for taking the time to to read ad write what you did. from a woman's perspective, what would you want your husband/boyfriend to do in this situation?

I don't consider just looking at porn cheating. It can lead to it. Let me explain: It is sin when you look upon a woman and lust after her, wanting her in your bedroom. If you seen a woman naked, and not want her, it is not cheating.

But continually looking at porn does something in a man's heart. I believe it leads to a man wanting something they cannot have, or expecting something from his woman that she cannot provide.

The bedroom is sacred and it should be between a man and his wife. He shouldn't be thinking of other women while he is with his wife, or think he is missing out on something because his wife will no "perform" like what he saw in porn.

I hope this helps,
Sincerely,
Di

 

[flexmaster]

thanks for the responses and thoughts everyone. i know she's not hooking up with other guys and wanting to keep me on the hook while with other guys. she's not like that. we are both christians (yes maxsupps, i am...and thank you!) and she would not do this. she has the strongest morals and character of anyone i have ever known. we talked every night for the first week or so she was down there, and she never went out to any bars or parties even though she had been asked all the time. and i know she has told the people down there she does not drink because i have heard them say that. i think initially she did check my history because she was curious, but i would have done the same thing in her situation. even though i trust her, i wuld have done the same thing, just to konw for myself. so i cannot blame her or get on her case, that would be hypocritcal would it not?!? she really is the most sincere, honest, trustworthy, person i have ever met. thanks for giving me your perspective di, it helps.

 

[Steak Helmet]

FLEX,

As much as it kills not to be with her, I would say give her her space for a while. I know that you want to talk to her everyday and it kills you inside not to talk to her. You have a strong relationship and I think 2mins on a cheesey porn site should not cause you to lose those first few years together.

Be strong and be calm I know she will be back with you....you are a good guy and she will see that soon.

 

[Phidias]

From the email she wrote Flex, it seems obvious that your gf loves you.
Now, love is such a strange thing that u never know how it can turn out: being far from you with lots of uncertainties, she might be looking for advice... and may find some, kinda "now it's porn on internet... later it will be that hottie on the street, etc".
Think about it: she may be a christian, have the strongest morals, whatever you want, she will always meet some dudes smart enough to make her change her mind about you, her ex. Those guys will blame u for your actions, describe u as the bad guy, tell her that porn is awfull and you u are disguting. Blah blah blah... The same goes with her female friends, who are generally very prompt to condemn guys when it comes to that stuff.

Sorry to be so harsh, but people are unfortunately like that.
So what can you do?
She is very sensitive? Take some paper, a pen, and let your heart speak. Use the finest words to tell her how a great human being she is, and how if she leaves u you'll never fall in love again. She is ur everything. You made some mistakes? You learned your lesson. If she is a christian, she MUST forgive you.
Send her (but not an email, a true letter posted to Mexico) the most beautiful words you have ever written. A letter she will keep close to her heart while falling asleep at night

Good luck Flex... love is the greatest anabolic on earth (but also the worst catabolic)!

 

[flexmaster]

thanks steak and phidias...

steak, that is what i have decided to do. she keeps going back and forth on how she feels. sometimes she wants to just forget the whole thing and be back with me, but other times she almost hates me, and feels if she did get back with me i'd be getting the best of both worlds. i guess i'll just give her the space she needs and hope she comes back to me. thanks man. i appreciate the kind words brotha, means a lot.

phidias, i have thought that exact same things. i know she has been taking with her best friend about it and her friend thinks she should not get back with me, from what i understand. she wants to be with me, and does forgive me, but she doesn't want to put herself into a situation where she might get cheated on for real the next time. her big problem is that both of my parents have had affairs, and like 2 weeks before this i caught my dad looking at porn when i was staying at thier house for the weekend. she is afraid it "runs in the family" so to speak in that i looked at porn after i found out my dad did, ergo i will cheat on her if we get back together. i have tried and tried to show her that in the entire time we knew eachother i never even looked at another girl like that, until this thing happened. she's just scared and doesn't know what to do...and i can understnd that. i think by taking some time away from eachother she will be able to cool off a little and realize whatever she wants to do. plus, she is coming back in 4 months from now, so it's not like i'll never see her again. i guess time will tell.


sigmund roid, i would like to hear your opinion as well if possible. thanks bro. just give me the honest truth...


edit: thanks for the letter idea phidias, i think she will like that!

 

[Starkraven]

man, women make things so fuckin complicating! no wonder i have no GF. anyway, i barely read any of it but i read enough. if she broke up with you for looking at porn, then she doesnt really love you or like you or whatever it is girls do. hell, i know a couple that look at porn to stimulate each other!

 

[Phidias]

i think by taking some time away from eachother she will be able to cool off a little and realize whatever she wants to do... i guess time will tell.

She may indeed cool off and fall in your arms when she comes back in 4 months... but her love for you might also not be so strong as time goes by. Far from the eyes... far from the heart. Sad but true.

That's why, to me, you shouldn't leave her alone completely (i.e. let her time to rebuild a new life without you). Hell she is a student in Mexico... that's not Alaska. I'm not telling u to harass her, she would hate it and might start to think of you as a maniac, rather giving her small but intense signs of your love.
If she really is your chosen, your ideal lifetime partner, don't let her slip through your fingers... let her know how immense your love for her is. That's the logic behind a beautiful handwritten letter: everytime she doubts about you, she will just have to reread your words to know you truly love her. You won't be there physically, but there is no chance you fall into oblivion.

And please, does she reproduce in her everyday life the exact same things her mother did at her age? No. So there is no reason you act as your father in the future. You are you, the one who loves her. Period.

 

[flexmaster]

She may indeed cool off and fall in your arms when she comes back in 4 months... but her love for you might also not be so strong as time goes by. Far from the eyes... far from the heart. Sad but true.

That's why, to me, you shouldn't leave her alone completely (i.e. let her time to rebuild a new life without you). Hell she is a student in Mexico... that's not Alaska. I'm not telling u to harass her, she would hate it and might start to think of you as a maniac, rather giving her small but intense signs of your love.
If she really is your chosen, your ideal lifetime partner, don't let her slip through your fingers... let her know how immense your love for her is. That's the logic behind a beautiful handwritten letter: everytime she doubts about you, she will just have to reread your words to know you truly love her. You won't be there physically, but there is no chance you fall into oblivion.

And please, does she reproduce in her everyday life the exact same things her mother did at her age? No. So there is no reason you act as your father in the future. You are you, the one who loves her. Period.

oh man, there is NO way i could go the rest of the time without talking to her. i was thinking like a week. just to give her some time. then i will gradually see how things are at that point. i appreciate your words phidias, and your advice. i am going to take your advice and see where that takes me. you have in a way confirmed what i have been thinking and feeling i should do...thank you. i appreciate your help. i REALLY want to go see her in mid september, so i am praying that things will be ok enough for me to come down and see her for a week.

 

[maxsupplements]

qwll, flex, looks like you have a plan.

well, bro, looks like you have a plan in mind. well. all i can say is one thing to you again. make sure you still look attractive to HER. after all, you want her back right? i agree you should write her a letter that is on PAPER and not an email. it takes more thought and now we are in 2005, emails are too easy to write. but a real letter, well, that takes time and thought. but i must tell you man, you must still be attractive to her. you cannot look like a sorry sap. if you look that way, she will likely lose attraction to you.
these are just a few words i wish i would have heard before my divorce, and i was given this advice AFTER it was too late and i had lost all control in the relatinship. i do know that all situations are diffreent, but i wish i would have had this advice before i actually got cheated on. if you lose your attractive mascuaine, in-control, features, she can very easily find a man that will provide for her in those ways, and still keep you on the side for her emotional provider type of man.
just some food for thought, i may be totally off line, but when i was in your shoes, (a litttle different) i wish i had someone tell me a few of these things before it all went to shit. i could have salvaged my marriage possibly.
and remember- pray for her, pray for her guidance and her forgiveness, cause remember, if she is a true strong God guided christian, she will forgive you, but whether or not she is still attracted to you, well, thats a different story. thats why you must stay attractive to her. but i agree, DO stay in contact with her, i have found now that i am away from my ex, i have been able to get over her quicker, bare in mind, i am not all the way over her, but i am feeling better, so you need to stay in her mind. send her a card after your letter, maybe, and others might think this is a little far, but send her a card just saying you were thinking about her, like every 10-14 days. you know, not alot of writing jibberish on the iside of the card, just your name, " i love you, blah, blah, blah" and thats it. and send these to her, that way, you are fresh in her mind. just an idea. good luck man. you can do this, especially if you love her as much as you are proclaiming.

 

[GymDudeVA]

Was she supposed to be using your computer? When she did, she looked into your web history to check up on you?? If so, she is the one who messed up...that is more serious than you glancing at a web site.

If *looking* at porn once is such an issue, I don't think it bodes well for a long-term relationship. Sounds like you'd be on a tight leash, neither of you would have your own space, and there would be no boundaries. You'd always be "messing up" somehow and she'll always be making you feel like shit for it. My brother went through this with his wife for 10 years.

If you're a good guy and she's going to throw that away for *looking* at something....then I'd say it's time to move on.

And yeah, for now it looks like she is stringing you along and making you pay dearly for this heinous crime. Don't let anyone else diminish your self-esteem too much....no matter who they are.

 

[flexmaster]

thanks to everyone for your advice, i will take to heart what i feel is correct and see where that takes me. i really appreciate anyone's opinion on the matter, it helps me see the situation from outside perspectives. thanks...