wanting what you cant have?

[maxsupplements]

MEN & WOMEN. wow.. i must say, i have gotten myself into one good predicament. a good ole fashion grade school CRUSH...lol... i know, funny. but please allow me to explain and then give me some good ole advice..

i work at a very large real estate company, and if any of you have worked around it, you know that the majority of the associates are women, and are very attractive. so, i have seen them all, dozens of times. lots of them single, some not. and i am very single.

one day, about 3 months ago. this amazing woman comes into my office. i mean to tell you people. sometimes you just get that feelin that makes you speechless, i am a very outspoken and confident fella, and have no shame telling a woman i am interested. well ,this lady just flat out WOWS ME.. and i am awestruck, sitting here, just blushed like never before. I get her what she needs business wise, and shes on her way. well, it was clearly obvious she was into me, as well as me into her.

NOW THE KICKER.
i tell my co workers about this, and they tell me everything i want to hear. she is a good christian woman, good person, quiet. doesnt drink OR go to bars, is a great chef, very family oriented, hard worker, does the same job as i do (similar)... yada. yada. yada... then they SLAM ME IN THE FACE. and tell me she has a BF...

she is very unhappy from what i have heard through the grapevine. he does not respect her, plays stupid video games all day, and works nites. from what i have heard, she does NOT like any of that.

i have been very nice, and quite interested as i can be without looking like an idiot trying to hit on her while she is taken. she has mentioned one time that she has a BF to me while in a conversation. nothing big, but a small mention. i blew right over it.

DUDES AND DUDETTES, i have a serious crush on this girl and dont know what to do. part of me wants to try and "lure" her away from her crappy BF, but part of me just wants to sit back and see what happens.

what is everyones suggestion? i mean this is bad, i have dreamt about her ( a dream of her and i getting married), catch myself thinking about her, even imagined how amazing she would be. gosh. i have gotten my self into one HELLUVA predicament.

any suggestions??

 

[Love too compete]

When a girl tell me i have a bf its just practice it goes over well with them.

 

[nosmas]

Go for it! since when do you just sit back and wait for things to happen?

 

[SWEETNESS]

Take a chance. What is she going to say "No?" As a woman that WAS in a bad relationship and didn't know how to get out- I needed someone to say "hey, if you're ever interested, I'm here. No pressure but just wanted you to know..." Let me know that I was attractive to someone else out there and that I didn't have to settle for what was not making me happy. Give her that boost of confidence and see where it goes. Good luck!

 

[maxsupplements]

good idea sweetness

i think that is a good idea..

i dont want to sabotage anything, and at the same time dont want to cause any uncomfort in the workplace. but you are right. if i dont do it, i may sit here for the next 20 years wondering what the heck was wrong w me.. lol...

thanks!!!

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Uh oh! The already-in-a-relationship perfect girl....


...tread carefully my friend. I think we've all been there once or twice but heck, I'll throw you a GOOD LUCK...

Maybe it's just my profession but for some reason, girls that are already in relationships, well, I'm not going to say it. It's really kinda funny though.

"That's all the time we have for today." LOL

 

[maxsupplements]

Maybe it's just my profession but for some reason, girls that are already in relationships, well, I'm not going to say it. It's really kinda funny though.

AHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! you sucka!!! always givin me just enough to let me own brain figure it out.. OTH, i agree, you are right my friend.

BUT MY GOD, you say, YOU ARE NOT GONNA SAY IT, but my gosh it looks perfect. she looks to be the perfect woman i have looked all over for. YOU CRACK ME UP!! LOL!!

but you are very right. its the fact that she is so UN attainable that makes her even that much more attractive to me. seriously. lol..

whats that saying?

YOU WANT WHAT YOU CANT GET, BUT WHEN YOU GET IT, YOU DONT WANT IT??

thats called fickle right??

 

[marshall]

max, don't overcomplicate the situation, she's not married.

simple strategy here for you.

You work in a common place right?

It's simple, you put the word out to several of the right people that you find her very attractive and that it's always your luck that the good ones are never available.

This will get back to her, believe me. If she's looking to move on from her boyfriend and/or finds you interesting, you will hear something back from her through the grapevine, or she may even go out of her way to have some contact with you. You will know at that point.

If you ever get that chance to have a little water cooler chat with her, after you've put the "you like her" info on the grapevine, you can always be direct but in a very respectable way.

Just throw this somewhere in the smalltalk:

Max to girl: ""You know, you really seem like a great girl. I know so and so said you are in a relationship and I respect that, but I have to say that if that situation ever changes, you know where to find me"".

You've firmly put your interest out there, laid it on the line w/out embarrasing yourself and if she's interested and makes herself available, she will definitely get back with you.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

...also, you could have the boyfriend whacked and then say to her...

"Don't worry, you and I will get through this...
(pause here to gently place your hand on her thigh)
...together."

OMG... LOL

Seriously, I think you can get through this without having to resort to subterfuge. I have an idea. Find out where this boyfriend hangs out and I'll go sit at the next table with a buddy and say "My friend is hooking up with (her name here) and her boyfriend doesn't even have a clue! They both work at (insert your workplace here)." - They won't last the week.

The situation is not a good one for you in any scenerio I can think of. If you hook up with her with a boyfriend in tow, you're the 'other guy' and what does that say about either of you? If you pounce on her the moment they break up, you just gauranteed yourself a year's worth of hearing about him. If she goes from him directly TO you, than it's likely she'll go FROM you to someone else. In scientific terms, you're fucked. LOL

 

[JustWannaBeHuge]

along the lines of what the good doc said... if she has a man now, and she leaves him for you, do you think you'd be able to trust her not to do the same thing to you?

The grass is always greener on the other side...
then, just like doc said again, if she leaves him, and even if they're apart for awhile, and you two hook up.... is she going to really be into you, or is she going to "use you as a rebound" , not saying she would intentionally do it, but those are just things to think about.

this is a tough situation max, if you do go for it, I'd suggest being very careful with it... You're a good guy, and it would suck to see you go through some BS.

 

[JustWannaBeHuge]

...also, you could have the boyfriend whacked and then say to her...

"Don't worry, you and I will get through this...
(pause here to gently place your hand on her thigh)
...together."

I had a feeling you were twisted. You can't fool me, I know all!!

 

[bpoppapumpp]

...also, you could have the boyfriend whacked and then say to her...

"Don't worry, you and I will get through this...
(pause here to gently place your hand on her thigh)
...together."

OMG... LOL

Seriously, I think you can get through this without having to resort to subterfuge. I have an idea. Find out where this boyfriend hangs out and I'll go sit at the next table with a buddy and say "My friend is hooking up with (her name here) and her boyfriend doesn't even have a clue! They both work at (insert your workplace here)." - They won't last the week.

The situation is not a good one for you in any scenerio I can think of. If you hook up with her with a boyfriend in tow, you're the 'other guy' and what does that say about either of you? If you pounce on her the moment they break up, you just gauranteed yourself a year's worth of hearing about him. If she goes from him directly TO you, than it's likely she'll go FROM you to someone else. In scientific terms, you're fucked. LOL

that last paragraph is SOO true. i never really looked at it that way. that makes alot of sense why i get FUCKED over so much! so, thanks, ouch.

 

[marshall]

Seriously, I think you can get through this without having to resort to subterfuge.

The situation is not a good one for you in any scenerio I can think of. If you hook up with her with a boyfriend in tow, you're the 'other guy' and what does that say about either of you? If you pounce on her the moment they break up, you just gauranteed yourself a year's worth of hearing about him. If she goes from him directly TO you, than it's likely she'll go FROM you to someone else. In scientific terms, you're fucked. LOL

I'll have to agree to disagree to some extent with this, no offense Ouch as I love your advice and always read what you have to say.

It is human nature for "most" people to not leave someone until they have another situation secured. It's not right, but unfortunately it's human nature.

Whatever the situation that we don't know, may make her insecure enough to just be single. Yes, that does raise a red flag about someone's dependency issues etc al.

I don't think putting out the water cooler talk that you think she's a catch is being sly. You're just being open about your feelings without confronting someone who you know is 'involved' out of respect of the "relationship".

She may be looking for a reason to leave....and you may be lucky enough to be that reason Max. Yes, it doesn't say alot about her personality if that's the case. But it is human nature, so cut her some slack.

But you like her, you can't deny that. To come and here and right an extensive post about it tells me how much. You need to put your interest out there and see if there's any possibility for you, so if not, you can move on to healthier interests.

 

[BigBoyJ]

I say go for it, man. If she is that important to you and you don't think she is happy with who she is with, then get after it. Don't live to regret the things you didn't do. If you don't at least make an effort, this shit may eat at you forever. If she was happily married, that's different. She's not though. Take a chance at making yourself happy. If it doesn't work out, at least you won't be wondering forever what might have happened. And if it does work out, you may just have a life long relationship. Sometimes you gotta risk some shit. We don't live forever.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

I'll have to agree to disagree to some extent with this, no offense Ouch as I love your advice and always read what you have to say.

It is human nature for "most" people to not leave someone until they have another situation secured. It's not right, but unfortunately it's human nature.

Whatever the situation that we don't know, may make her insecure enough to just be single. Yes, that does raise a red flag about someone's dependency issues etc al.

I don't think putting out the water cooler talk that you think she's a catch is being sly. You're just being open about your feelings without confronting someone who you know is 'involved' out of respect of the "relationship".

She may be looking for a reason to leave....and you may be lucky enough to be that reason Max. Yes, it doesn't say alot about her personality if that's the case. But it is human nature, so cut her some slack.

But you like her, you can't deny that. To come and here and right an extensive post about it tells me how much. You need to put your interest out there and see if there's any possibility for you, so if not, you can move on to healthier interests.

My word isn't gospel! That was just my opinion on an awkward situation. I don't disagree with you marshall. Putting it out there that you're interested? Hell, there's nothing wrong with that!

It might be just be the thing she needs to hear right now and knowing that there are other options can make her decision a lot easier for her. No problem there.

And I agree with BBJ too. If you're going to regret NOT putting yourself out there, than definitely do it! Who knows what could happen. Life is bizarre.

I know most people "hop" from one relationship to another. The reasons why aren't important. The main point that I was trying to stress, and I doubt many would argue, is that you should try to have a refractory period in between relationships. Seriously, what kind of person stays in a relationship with a person with whom they KNOW they are not compatible with and at the same time keeps someone else "on deck" or is shopping around for a replacement while still IN a relationship!? People are not like automobiles. You just don't trade in the old one for the new model. People approach relationships today in almost this exact manner. Call it human nature but I call it gross. I'm a prude though I suppose. Would you really want to date someone like this? I know I wouldn't. Or even if she just hops right from the old guy to the new guy, same deal.

I just don't see how it could be a truly good situation for my man, max, here. It might feel good for a while but this is how and why people get emotionally wrecked on an almost nonstop basis - getting involved in relationships before they even have a grasp on what and who they are as an individual.

 

[bulldog21]

My word isn't gospel! That was just my opinion on an awkward situation. I don't disagree with you marshall. Putting it out there that you're interested? Hell, there's nothing wrong with that!

It might be just be the thing she needs to hear right now and knowing that there are other options can make her decision a lot easier for her. No problem there.

And I agree with BBJ too. If you're going to regret NOT putting yourself out there, than definitely do it! Who knows what could happen. Life is bizarre.

I know most people "hop" from one relationship to another. The reasons why aren't important. The main point that I was trying to stress, and I doubt many would argue, is that you should try to have a refractory period in between relationships. Seriously, what kind of person stays in a relationship with a person with whom they KNOW they are not compatible with and at the same time keeps someone else "on deck" or is shopping around for a replacement while still IN a relationship!? People are not like automobiles. You just don't trade in the old one for the new model. People approach relationships today in almost this exact manner. Call it human nature but I call it gross. I'm a prude though I suppose. Would you really want to date someone like this? I know I wouldn't. Or even if she just hops right from the old guy to the new guy, same deal.

I just don't see how it could be a truly good situation for my man, max, here. It might feel good for a while but this is how and why people get emotionally wrecked on an almost nonstop basis - getting involved in relationships before they even have a grasp on what and who they are as an individual.

Great post OTH, really good stuff right there.....Life is bizarre sometimes....

My thoughts on this Max would be to just be friends with her for right now, spend more time getting to know her at work or wherever but keep it on the friendship tip......You only know so much about her from what other people have said......I would make an effort to spend more time with her on a friendly basis.You said there was attraction there and if there is she will want to talk to you and get to know you too, I am basing this on you having the ability to be able to talk coherntly around her and in complete sentences though..lol

This will take a little time but it will help you with a few things IMO:

1. Getting to know her and see if you REALLY like her
2. Her getting to know you and start to REALLY like you
3. Help her realize the man she is with now is not good for her and she should be with you..LOL

At any point in the becoming friends stage you don't like her you can bail or if "the Chase" has worn off then you can move onto your next prey..LOL

This is just my opinion buddy, take it for what its worth ( Less than the face value of a penny)

 

[OuchThatHurts]

My thoughts on this Max would be to just be friends with her for right now, spend more time getting to know her at work or wherever but keep it on the friendship tip......

1. Getting to know her and see if you REALLY like her
2. Her getting to know you and start to REALLY like you
3. Help her realize the man she is with now is not good for her and she should be with you..LOL

Are you suggesting that someone actually get to know someone first? Holy smokes! Let me write this down:

Tuesday 10/17/2006 approx. 15:54:00 EST: Esteemed member Bulldog21 suggests getting to know someone first.

Okay. had to get that on the record. I'm making a joke but it is SO true. I've been so frustrated this past year. Do you know how many times I've heard things like "I never knew she was like this when we met." or the even worse "I knew she had some problems (which usually means A LOT of problems) but I thought it was something we could work through." - usually followed by tears and sobbing. Do I bother to ask, "Did you make a well thought out decision based on compatibility when you became serious with her?" No.

Take Bulldog's advice here and get to know her well. Did you ever notice that you can date a girl for 3 months, never have sex, decide you don't like each other and walk away pretty easily? On the other hand, if you spend the same 3 months having sex, never getting to know each other (other than what each other feels, smells and tastes like) and THEN break up, hearts are broken, feelings are crushed, and everyone walks away miserable and her dad puts sugar in your gas tank.

You see the problem here? It's because the more intimately you become involved the more emotionally vested you become. This is not written for those who have had so many partners that sex and physical intimacy mean little or nothing but for the vast majority of men and women out there that actually still do have the ability to become emotionally vested.

Do you not realize that each successive relationship you have in your life, you will be less likely to become closely bonded to that person? Or did you think it's just coincidence that everyone crys like a baby for months after losing their "first love"? You'll never forget that person either. Or probably the next few. Each time the strength of the bond weakens until it is virtually impossible to form a bond at all. This is a good time for all of us have to start to use good judgement. Even relationships where a perfectly adequate amount of time is spent getting to know each other and then you become married or intimate have a high rate of failure. What kind of chances do you think a poorly thought out relationship has? Do the math.

I hope you don't interpret this as me coming down on anyone or giving anyone hell. Just trying to spread some info around. You can consider it, throw it away, whatever, but at least you'll have read it.

 

[JustWannaBeHuge]

Are you suggesting that someone actually get to know someone first? Holy smokes! Let me write this down:

Tuesday 10/17/2006 approx. 15:54:00 EST: Esteemed member Bulldog21 suggests getting to know someone first.

Okay. had to get that on the record. I'm making a joke but it is SO true. I've been so frustrated this past year. Do you know how many times I've heard things like "I never knew she was like this when we met." or the even worse "I knew she had some problems (which usually means A LOT of problems) but I thought it was something we could work through." - usually followed by tears and sobbing. Do I bother to ask, "Did you make a well thought out decision based on compatibility when you became serious with her?" No.

Take Bulldog's advice here and get to know her well. Did you ever notice that you can date a girl for 3 months, never have sex, decide you don't like each other and walk away pretty easily? On the other hand, if you spend the same 3 months having sex, never getting to know each other (other than what each other feels, smells and tastes like) and THEN break up, hearts are broken, feelings are crushed, and everyone walks away miserable and her dad puts sugar in your gas tank.

You see the problem here? It's because the more intimately you become involved the more emotionally vested you become. This is not written for those who have had so many partners that sex and physical intimacy mean little or nothing but for the vast majority of men and women out there that actually still do have the ability to become emotionally vested.

Do you not realize that each successive relationship you have in your life, you will be less likely to become closely bonded to that person? Or did you think it's just coincidence that everyone crys like a baby for months after losing their "first love"? You'll never forget that person either. Or probably the next few. Each time the strength of the bond weakens until it is virtually impossible to form a bond at all. This is a good time for all of us have to start to use good judgement. Even relationships where a perfectly adequate amount of time is spent getting to know each other and then you become married or intimate have a high rate of failure. What kind of chances do you think a poorly thought out relationship has? Do the math.

I hope you don't interpret this as me coming down on anyone or giving anyone hell. Just trying to spread some info around. You can consider it, throw it away, whatever, but at least you'll have read it.

goddammit, why do I even read your post? They make me think to much and makes my head hurt. lol
You're a bastard for it but we love ya.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

JWBH,

In all seriousness, do you think my posts are too wordy or difficult to understand? I can work on that. I've been told that before...

thanks,

OTH

 

[JustWannaBeHuge]

JWBH,

In all seriousness, do you think my posts are too wordy or difficult to understand? I can work on that. I've been told that before...

thanks,

OTH

noooo thats not what I meant, I meant it as in, you're making me think about what kind of person I am. I understand everything you're saying, it just makes me think about myself. Not trying to jack Max's thread, but everything you said about that situation, I can put into my own life.

Not difficult to understand at all, just hits home to often... know what I mean? I'm starting to wonder if I ever sat on your couch before and didn't know it lol.