.gif "IP Gear")
I'm 31, 5'8, shaved bald, blue eyed white boy, about 230 right now. Not ripped, I have a small gut on my belly.
The reason I'm making this post is this, my daughter loves superhero cartoons, batman, superman, leagion of superheros ect. I see her on the weekends and we watch 2-3 episodes on DVD every week before we go out to the mall or what have you. I'm raising her to hopefully be a strong woman as she grows up, she's 7 now, will turn 8 on May 1st. This past weekend we were finishing up on watching Batman Volume 4.
There was an episode with a woman hiding her face under a mask, and she would always say how ugly she was and never wanted anyone to see her, point is this, at the end of the episode the cops take off her mask, and she's "beautiful" as Batgirl says to Batman, batman says something like "all she see's is her flaws, not the beauty that she has."
My daughter asked me why she thought she was ugly and I explained to her what Batman said, how the woman was focused on what was wrong with her.
I'm taking to long to get to my point, sorry, my point is, I have several female friends that always tell me how good my chest/shoulders/arms are, how "hot" I am. Yet, I'm single, the only women that seem interested in me, are those I'm not attracted to, and when I look in the mirror, all I see are the imperfections. When I look in the mirror, I don't see what they see. I see a guy that has been rejected by a lot of beautiful women, and I see every flaw on my face/body.
I grew up very poor and have worked very hard to get to where I am now. Not rich by any means, but I make a decent living and I work for a company where I manage 4 national accounts, 1 of them being in the Fortune top 10 and one in the top 25. the other two are growing stronger everyday. I'm always told that I'll go far in the company as long as I keep doing what I'm doing now.
I grew up in a "ghetto" if you will, and my parents had me go to a school where the kids weren't "rich" but the families were well off, I had gotten into a lot of fights because I didn't fit in with them, and didn't kiss ass or "follow" the cool kids. So I was constantly reminded of the area I came from, and how "unattractive" the girls thought I was, which was funny, because during the summer, the one chick saw me with my cousin and asked me out, but I was so pissed at her I just said I could do better then someone who kisses ass to fit in with the morons. I've just seemed to of had a life full of put downs, insults and negativity and I can't seem to lose the negitive thoughts no matter how or what I try.
When I was with my daughter's mother, my self esteem was through the roof, but now, the last few years, I try to get it back but it doesn't seem to wanna come back lol. There are times when I look in the mirror, where I say "damn, I made great improvements for someone with shitty genetics and who took years from the gym." but there are other times, when I just want to smash the mirror in and not see myself anymore.
When I do date women, my brother tells me that I go after women that have "mental" issues because of all the drama that I have gone through with women. I'm not innocent by any means, and I have changed my lifestyle over the last few months and I'm "starting over" with everything if you will...well except my daughter. ;-)
There are times when I "fake" being confident, as I was talking to a Dr I met, she was very attractive, in great shape, took care of herself and she thought I was "funny" but in the end, I guess she saw through my "fake" confidence in myself and decided to move on.
My self esteem is so low, that I seem to overcompensate sometimes and some women have even told me to "get over myself" or "your ego needs to be deflated". I have dated some women and they constantly say how "girls must be hitting on you all the time at the gym because of your chest and shoulders" and I just play along like "yea I have to beat them off with a stick." lol
I'm not looking for a "pity party" or anything of the sort, I'm just looking for answers to what can I do to feel better about myself?
When I was telling my daughter about that woman on the cartoon, I said:
"People need to realize that no one is perfect, everyone has flaws, but true beauty is how you feel about yourself, the person and feelings that others see you. People need to realize that the past is over and done, and to move on, life's to short to worry about what others think about you, it's to short to worry if you have a wrinkle here or there. Be yourself and people will like you for you."
I always tell her so many positive things and I keep her self esteem high, she's bi racial and hates her hair because it's so curly but I always tell her how her hair is just as beautiful as her smile, and not to let anyone say different. But how come no matter how many positive things I say to her, I don't believe it when it comes to me?
I stress over the past as if I can go back and change it, I worry about my flaws as if they'll go away and make me "handsome".
I'm currently on buspar for anxiety and it seems to be working. At work (i have had this job for about 9 months now, before that, I worked one crappy job after the next), I am aggressive, I get the job done and get it done right, I hate people to f' up my accounts and I tell them what they need to do in order to get it done right.
I have the sales reps as well as my point of contacts for the companies I manage giving me all kinds of compliments that have reached my director of the company. My brother works in another office 30 minutes away and his associate director was telling him how in a meeting, with all the managers, supervisors, Associate directors and the director, how my name kept being brought up because of how I have turned around the accounts that I manage, and how everyone is constantly praising me for my hard work and determination to get things done and get them done right.
Why can't I go after my personal life as I am now going after my professional life? I'm told that I can easily make supervisor in the next few months when it comes time for me to post out if that is what I want. I'm very confident in my skills at work, why am I having such a hard time being confident in myself in other ways? Why do I keep seeing negitive things when for the first time in a long time, things are going good for me? Why do I keep seeing an "ugly frail boy" when I look into the mirror instead of the man I am now?
Why am I preventing myself from being happy? I've changed my life a lot in the last few months, and I have given up a certain high risk lifestyle I used to live. I didn't want to be that person anymore. I felt it was time for me to change.
Thanks,
R
The reason I'm making this post is this, my daughter loves superhero cartoons, batman, superman, leagion of superheros ect. I see her on the weekends and we watch 2-3 episodes on DVD every week before we go out to the mall or what have you. I'm raising her to hopefully be a strong woman as she grows up, she's 7 now, will turn 8 on May 1st. This past weekend we were finishing up on watching Batman Volume 4.
There was an episode with a woman hiding her face under a mask, and she would always say how ugly she was and never wanted anyone to see her, point is this, at the end of the episode the cops take off her mask, and she's "beautiful" as Batgirl says to Batman, batman says something like "all she see's is her flaws, not the beauty that she has."
My daughter asked me why she thought she was ugly and I explained to her what Batman said, how the woman was focused on what was wrong with her.
I'm taking to long to get to my point, sorry, my point is, I have several female friends that always tell me how good my chest/shoulders/arms are, how "hot" I am. Yet, I'm single, the only women that seem interested in me, are those I'm not attracted to, and when I look in the mirror, all I see are the imperfections. When I look in the mirror, I don't see what they see. I see a guy that has been rejected by a lot of beautiful women, and I see every flaw on my face/body.
I grew up very poor and have worked very hard to get to where I am now. Not rich by any means, but I make a decent living and I work for a company where I manage 4 national accounts, 1 of them being in the Fortune top 10 and one in the top 25. the other two are growing stronger everyday. I'm always told that I'll go far in the company as long as I keep doing what I'm doing now.
I grew up in a "ghetto" if you will, and my parents had me go to a school where the kids weren't "rich" but the families were well off, I had gotten into a lot of fights because I didn't fit in with them, and didn't kiss ass or "follow" the cool kids. So I was constantly reminded of the area I came from, and how "unattractive" the girls thought I was, which was funny, because during the summer, the one chick saw me with my cousin and asked me out, but I was so pissed at her I just said I could do better then someone who kisses ass to fit in with the morons. I've just seemed to of had a life full of put downs, insults and negativity and I can't seem to lose the negitive thoughts no matter how or what I try.
When I was with my daughter's mother, my self esteem was through the roof, but now, the last few years, I try to get it back but it doesn't seem to wanna come back lol. There are times when I look in the mirror, where I say "damn, I made great improvements for someone with shitty genetics and who took years from the gym." but there are other times, when I just want to smash the mirror in and not see myself anymore.
When I do date women, my brother tells me that I go after women that have "mental" issues because of all the drama that I have gone through with women. I'm not innocent by any means, and I have changed my lifestyle over the last few months and I'm "starting over" with everything if you will...well except my daughter. ;-)
There are times when I "fake" being confident, as I was talking to a Dr I met, she was very attractive, in great shape, took care of herself and she thought I was "funny" but in the end, I guess she saw through my "fake" confidence in myself and decided to move on.
My self esteem is so low, that I seem to overcompensate sometimes and some women have even told me to "get over myself" or "your ego needs to be deflated". I have dated some women and they constantly say how "girls must be hitting on you all the time at the gym because of your chest and shoulders" and I just play along like "yea I have to beat them off with a stick." lol
I'm not looking for a "pity party" or anything of the sort, I'm just looking for answers to what can I do to feel better about myself?
When I was telling my daughter about that woman on the cartoon, I said:
"People need to realize that no one is perfect, everyone has flaws, but true beauty is how you feel about yourself, the person and feelings that others see you. People need to realize that the past is over and done, and to move on, life's to short to worry about what others think about you, it's to short to worry if you have a wrinkle here or there. Be yourself and people will like you for you."
I always tell her so many positive things and I keep her self esteem high, she's bi racial and hates her hair because it's so curly but I always tell her how her hair is just as beautiful as her smile, and not to let anyone say different. But how come no matter how many positive things I say to her, I don't believe it when it comes to me?
I stress over the past as if I can go back and change it, I worry about my flaws as if they'll go away and make me "handsome".
I'm currently on buspar for anxiety and it seems to be working. At work (i have had this job for about 9 months now, before that, I worked one crappy job after the next), I am aggressive, I get the job done and get it done right, I hate people to f' up my accounts and I tell them what they need to do in order to get it done right.
I have the sales reps as well as my point of contacts for the companies I manage giving me all kinds of compliments that have reached my director of the company. My brother works in another office 30 minutes away and his associate director was telling him how in a meeting, with all the managers, supervisors, Associate directors and the director, how my name kept being brought up because of how I have turned around the accounts that I manage, and how everyone is constantly praising me for my hard work and determination to get things done and get them done right.
Why can't I go after my personal life as I am now going after my professional life? I'm told that I can easily make supervisor in the next few months when it comes time for me to post out if that is what I want. I'm very confident in my skills at work, why am I having such a hard time being confident in myself in other ways? Why do I keep seeing negitive things when for the first time in a long time, things are going good for me? Why do I keep seeing an "ugly frail boy" when I look into the mirror instead of the man I am now?
Why am I preventing myself from being happy? I've changed my life a lot in the last few months, and I have given up a certain high risk lifestyle I used to live. I didn't want to be that person anymore. I felt it was time for me to change.
Thanks,
R
