Wife Cheated on me Twice

[MMAGorilla]

Hey guys and gals, this forum has been such a blessing to me over the last two months that I'm just going to go ahead and make this post, even though to be totally honest, I'm really embarrased about the whole thing.
My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5. We have 3 beautiful children, and what I thought was a wonderful relationship. on April 25th, I found out that my wife was cheating on me with someone she met while drinking with her friend. After the initial shock and anger, I decided that I would stay and make it work.
Last week I found out that at the same time this other relationship was going on, she was cheating on me with another guy. I told her that I couldn't forget this, and that I couln't move on together, and that I was leaving with the kids. Needless to say, she told me that she couldn't lose me, and that the kids would be destroyed, and convinced me not to leave. Every day since then I question what I'm going to do, and why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just wanted to get some of your perspectives on this situation. thanks.

 

[hwood]

God man - I feel for you as I have been through an unfaithful situation myself. It hurts like a MF - for me it was literally like being torn apart and still is. My situation was made easier to bear because I could put the blame on myself for problems in our relationship - drinking WAY too much, verbal abuse occasionally, selfish, not being a friend, lack of affection, etc. Never hit her but still unexcusable. I had quit drinking when the affair happened however I guess she was needing more - attention, hearing she was pretty, etc. We have 3 kids as well and I was concentrating on getting us back on a good financial footing and wasn't paying attention to what really mattered - love and companionship.

Anyway, she got hussled by a punk pretty boy (15 years younger) that lied to her about everything just to bag a milf. It's been two years and I still want to hurt the guy for what he did however I keep hoping the anger and jealously will go away as I don't want to go to prison, and I do accept the blame as I think my wife is a good person. Unfortunately I know exactly where he lives so the temptation creeps in at weak moments.

I have never told anyone as I am embarrassed as well - guy thing I guess.

Anyway - enough about me. I have read a LOT about what causes unfaithfulness in relationships. Every;thing I have read is that for women - it is NOT about the sex. Unfortunately for us guys, the visual imagery of your wife having sex with another guy is unbearable. Brother - I know.

What does she say as far as why she let this happen? The first time? The second time? Has she cut off contact completey with the other guys? Are you guys going to counseling? Is she trying to make amends to you and proving to you that you can trust her and that this would never happen again?

Be strong ole boy - it hurts less and less with each passing day.

 

[DOGMA]

First off let me say I am very sorry for what your going thru. I hope you can work this thru.

If I were to give advise, I would say take the children and dont look back.

Dont let her guilt you into any decision. She created this not YOU. She should feel guilty not you....
Make you decision's thru your own process be true to your feeling's.

I could never be with someone I could not trust.

Talk to OTH or Sigmund. They give great help around here!

 

[MMAGorilla]

Thanks for the replies fellas. I never really knew what pain was until this hit me. When I asked her what was going on that this happened, she said she didn't know, that she was a different person and had no idea why she did what she did.
In the months leading up to this we had some discussions about her going out 2-3 times a week with her friends from work to "let off a little steam." I let her know that if that was what she needed that I supported her, but I told her that I thought a mother of 3 should definately not be staying out until last call.
While she was on a business trip, I noticed she had visited the MySpace.com on the computer. I followed the links to her friends MySpace page, where there were pictures of my wife all over this other guy. I immediately called her and confronted her, and for 2 hours she denied it, said it was her friends boyfriend, blah blah...finally admitting what had happened. She told me that she would never talk to this guy again. I told her that I wanted the truth, and that I could forgive her and move on.
Last week, while going over my phone bill (cause now I'm a paranoid sucka) I see over 100 texts to an unfamilliar #. turns out there was another guy at the same time. She says she hasn't talked to either of them since April, and that it was just one month of her life.
I've quit on a few things in my life that I regret, and as bad as I want to run away right now, I just don't want to be a quitter. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to trust her again.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

How old are the children?

 

[MMAGorilla]

My son (not biologically, he was hers from a prev. relationship) is 7 and a half, and my daughters are 4 and 1 and a half.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

My son (not biologically, he was hers from a prev. relationship) is 7 and a half, and my daughters are 4 and 1 and a half.

Are you able to forgive her? I don't want to tell you what to do because the only person that can decide that is you. This much is certain. Any woman that can cheat numerous times on her husband while at the same time being the mother of 2 young children and an infant... well, she has some serious issues wouldn't you agree? Issues that you should seriously consider (and she should as well).

 

[MMAGorilla]

Thanks for the reply OTH. Right now I really don't know if I can forgive her. Even if I forgive her, I will never be able to forget. My gut tells me every day to leave, and I think deep down that is what I know needs to happen, it's just a little scary and it makes me really genuinely sad.

 

[hwood]

It sounds likes it's been 1-2 weeks since you found out the whole story. In my situation, I was highly emotional and couldn’t sleep at that point. I know you want to bolt (I did) but it’s not a good time to make life changing decisions in this state of mind.

There is a very good book called "Surviving an Affair". I highly suggest reading it. You will have to decide for yourself what to do about your relationship. If you decide to work on your marriage, make sure your wife is willing also. I’m surprised she isn’t trying to blame the affair on you – most women would. If she isn’t willing to work and make amends - it will just prolong your suffering, and I personally would walk away at that point. If she is then she can have no further contact with the OM period. I would have her change her cell phone number and promise to never, ever make contact again. No more catting around with the other chicks either.

No matter what others say, you cant just "get over it". If you feel you need some time to yourself then do so. Do you have relatives close by that could help with kids? Nobody can tell you what is right or wrong for you to heal. I hope it gets better for you.

 

[gfactor]

Hey guys and gals, this forum has been such a blessing to me over the last two months that I'm just going to go ahead and make this post, even though to be totally honest, I'm really embarrased about the whole thing.
My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5. We have 3 beautiful children, and what I thought was a wonderful relationship. on April 25th, I found out that my wife was cheating on me with someone she met while drinking with her friend. After the initial shock and anger, I decided that I would stay and make it work.
Last week I found out that at the same time this other relationship was going on, she was cheating on me with another guy. I told her that I couldn't forget this, and that I couln't move on together, and that I was leaving with the kids. Needless to say, she told me that she couldn't lose me, and that the kids would be destroyed, and convinced me not to leave. Every day since then I question what I'm going to do, and why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just wanted to get some of your perspectives on this situation. thanks.

#1 She is probably afraid of ruining her reputation among friends and family.
#2 It seems like she's trying for a free easy life of games.

 

[aquaholic]

Are you able to forgive her? I don't want to tell you what to do because the only person that can decide that is you. This much is certain. Any woman that can cheat numerous times on her husband while at the same time being the mother of 2 young children and an infant... well, she has some serious issues wouldn't you agree? Issues that you should seriously consider (and she should as well).

I agree 100% with this.
But, on the other hand ... Do you really want to bring your children up in a possibly hostile and unhappy marriage? Kids aren't stupid .... they know when things aren't right.

I grew up in a "we'll stay together for the sake of the children" family. And all I can say, is that it screwed me up far beyond the good intentions they stayed together so long under.
I would have come from a broken home, but at least it wouldn't have been an severely dysfunctional and unhappy home.

 

[flexmaster]

mmagorilla

I agree 100% with this.
But, on the other hand ... Do you really want to bring your children up in a possibly hostile and unhappy marriage? Kids aren't stupid .... they know when things aren't right.

I grew up in a "we'll stay together for the sake of the children" family. And all I can say, is that it screwed me up far beyond the good intentions they stayed together so long under.
I would have come from a broken home, but at least it wouldn't have been an severely dysfunctional and unhappy home.

im going to have to agree with aquaholic here brotha. im very sorry to hear this happened to you, but i came from a home pretty similar to aquaholic. both of my parents have cheated on eachother. i knew WAY before they ever told me. it wasnt the constant fighting or lack of affection in my family, there was just something that always felt off...and when i went over to friend's houses it never felt that way. both of my parents were so fake with everyone in thier lives. when my mom told me about thier affairs, i said "i know"...and she got this look of shock on her face i will never forget. then i said the names of the people they cheated with and her face went completely white and she left the room. it has fucked me up relationship wise pretty bad man. i wish they would have just cut thier losses and left eachother. it seems the older i get the more i realize how messed up i am and i can look back and see various things about my family that i believe have contributed to this. im really sorry this happened to you man.

 

[thebrick]

Wow, that's heavy. I am sorry. I would ask myself, if I could forgive her could I ever TRUST her again? From my perspective, the unconditional trust has been destroyed. And without trust in a relationship, what do you have? You have to remove yourself from a bad situation to let good things move into your life.

 

[JuiceRoad.com]

First off let me say I am very sorry for what your going thru. I hope you can work this thru.

If I were to give advise, I would say take the children and dont look back.

Dont let her guilt you into any decision. She created this not YOU. She should feel guilty not you....
Make you decision's thru your own process be true to your feeling's.

I could never be with someone I could not trust.

Talk to OTH or Sigmund. They give great help around here!

My friend i'll agree with this guy DOGMA said, leave her
once a cheater always a cheater, she cheated on you twice, you were very very nice to forgive her at first time but then you found there was another guy as well. It means she was with three different people and thats cheating
but decision totally lies on you.

 

[MMAGorilla]

First of all, let me say a very sincere thank you to all of you who have taken your valuable time to reply. As simple as it seems, just posting this and being able to look at my situation through a different window has been a tremendous help to me.
Aquaholic and Flexmaster, thank you for your insight. The very first thing on our family mission statement is to raise excellent kids. Unfortunately it now appears that I was the only one truly commited to that. Your advice has opened my eyes to the fact that ultimately my kids will be happier living in the truth, even if it is a broken home.
My instinct still tells me that I need to walk away, if anything it is stronger and more sure. Now it is time to summoon the desperateness of the samurai that Mark Twight talks about and never look back, just forward. This forum and the people that make up this forum are having a very real impact in so many lives, and I consider myself very privelleged to be a part of such a community

 

[thebrick]

I am a firm believer in listening to one's instinct and I think yours is right on target. Your children are fortunate they have you in their lives.

 

[hwood]

Sounds like you made up your mind - good for you. Not sure what state (assuming your in US) your in but divorce laws are weird and different in every locale. Keep calm and keep your cards to your chest and get some legal advise before you go any further. Be smart and protect the kiddos.

Rock --H.

 

[thebrick]

Keep calm and keep your cards to your chest and get some legal advise before you go any further. Be smart and protect the kiddos.

Rock --H.

excellent, excellent advise!!! This tactic worked to my advantage bigtime during my divorce!

 

[TooPowerful4u]

excellent, excellent advise!!! This tactic worked to my advantage bigtime during my divorce!

Smart. Definately listen to this, as you deserve to come out of this stronger than her on the financial end.


Anyway, im a youngin and have never been married... so i dont know how much credibility here.... but if i could picture myself in this situation.....

I believe once a cheater always a cheater. Iv NEVER cheated in my entire life. Of course iv looked, looking never hurts and some things catch your eye, but iv never DESIRED anyone other than the person i was with and any time i have been put in the situation to cheat, it was never even slightly a temptation. No brainer. Im not a cheater. I believe cheaters are weaker minded people, their minds are controlled by their bodies and hormones, not the other way around. (and everyone can save the "i control my mind, i WANTED to or i had this and that reason... that is the same bs excuses people with addictions use... I WANT TO) I control my thoughts and desires and actions period. SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN, ITS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME. So what if its not today or tomorrow or next year... it will eventually happen again. If she is given 20 opportunities over the next 10 years, shes weak, ONE time it will happen.

Think how that will effect your children when they are older and perfectly aware and want to know why you are getting a divorce now! Get out now while they are young and not subjected to these problems.

Do NOT feel bad. You did nothing wrong. SHE DID. Do you want to be with a woman who sexually desires other men? (yada yada phycology this and the female mind works this way that... it was at least PARTIALLY about the sex!) Im sorry if this is going to give you a sad graphic image (but its necessary) but.... picture her in compromising positions with THEM enjoying herself... was she worried about how you felt at those moments? HELL NO. She was getting off with another guy and didnt give a shit about you. Your mentality needs to be along the lines of FUCK HER, its about you and your children now. You need to get out for you first off all, you deserve better. Second, you need to think about how this is best going to play out for your kids.

This post might be deemed insensative, but i feel it is helpful as it will give you the mindset and strength (fueled by anger and feelings of betrayal) to do whats right and what needs to be done for a healthy life for you AND your children.... who gives a shit what happens to the stupid bitch or if she misses you and the children, shoulda thought about that before she did what she did. Do we care that murders FEEL SORRY for killing someone? no, whats done is done and nothing can change that fact.

 

[littlemack]

I'm very sorry to hear about this MMAgorilla. I have been married before and just got out of a relationship where I did the cheating and the role was reversed. My ex...was not able to forgive me for cheating and now doesn't want me to have anything to do with her or her daughter who is 8 now. From her perspective, all I can tell you is that if you truly love this person, then you will find a way to forgive her if she wants to make things work with you. One thing I want to tell you and everyone else on this board...who...is feeling hurt b/c they were cheated on is this: Its just sex. That may be a very insensitive thing to say, but maybe if you could see it this way...then you wouldn't hurt as bad. But I will tell you this, if she's willing to try and work things out, then go do some marriage counseling and give it a really fair, and honest shot.