I don't mean to look like an attention whore, but I was thinking about this last night and this morning, and felt it might help to air it out. Right now, I'm just trying to get this out on paper, so that when I go to a doctor I'll have something to refer back to. Not necessarily fishing for a response, but if someone feels like chiming in...please feel free.
Road Rage
Generally I'm easy going, mild mannered; in general calm. I've never been in a physical fight in my life (in part because I was always bigger than other kids, in part because I can empathize with people and can kind of get along with everyone). The past couple of weeks, I've been going ballistic if someone misses a turn signal. I'll scream obscenities, and accelerate by. It's not that I'm not aware of what I'm doing, and can even control it, but just don't feel compelled.
Lifting
My lifting is a lot more focused, and I've been able to do heavier weights. It's like I can focus my anger and dump it at the gym. Especially on deads. Up until now, deads and db bench have been my couch/release.
Girls
For the time being, I'm comfortable with my looks, and confident in my physique. However, I have never really approached women not because of fear, but because of my fear of being afraid. I hate that feeling of bombing. It doesn't happen all the time. But for the most part, when I don't feel on top of the world, I won't talk up girls because I don't want to choke.
When I do feel invencible (hyperbole) I'm reluctant to talk to girls because I don't want to lose the almost manic (maybe not in a clinical sense, I'm not familiar enough with the term) feeling I have.
Almost all the relationships I've had, I've either met the girl through someone else, or she threw herself at me. This one chick at a bar hounded me for my number; this other girl introduced herself at a party and made arrangements through a mutual friend for us to go hot-tubbing; a girl at starbucks flat out asked "do you have a girlfriend...would you like one?".
I'll edit and add more as I think of stuff to say here if you don't mind.
Oh ya, thanks again to everyone
Patterns, Years, Numbers, and Charms
Growing up, Bouts like this would hit it seemed every couple of years. Needless to say, they were not fun. I couldn't figure out why it was that all of the sudden, I'd suck (when I say suck, it's irritating knowing you're capable of doing something, then all of the sudden...you can't do it). Then all of the sudden, the next year I feel fine; but still remember the past year. I guess as a coping mechanism, I'd try and remember things that were associated with those periods and there was a stigma attached to them.
I became wicked superstitious about patterns. I'd repeat in my head the same series of good numbers while trying to block out the bad. Thinking back on it, I can remember when I was a little kid (had to have been aroud 7 or 8) being at the YMCA and thinking to myself over and over...good for now
Analogues
I appologize if this bumps this thread, but I don't think it should.
Anyhoo, thought of an analogy as to how this feels now when I'm around people. It's almost like a lawn mower that won't start. Or atleast this is how I've been feeling the past week or so.
I want to go out, and interact with people. However, every time I try and start a conversation, I just don't feel like putting any entheuiasm(sp) into it. I push, and push, and push; but I can't quite get into a groove where I'm relaxed enough to just flow. Or maybe I'm not confident enough to just let go and trust myself.
Like I can remember for football games, or even powerlifting meets there were times that I felt unstoppable. At the snap of the ball I was 100% in the moment. Then there were other times, where everything felt surreal. It felt like it was happening before I was ready for it to. Or it's like the difference between when you can get up for a lift, and when you can't. That feeling. The difference between being there, and not. That's as tangible as I can make it for now.
Oh ya, Another thing that I can remember from 2001 is that when I first broke it for any length of time I remeber driving Roy home, and thinking that it was almost kind of a difference of perspective. That I could jump between mindsets at will. Like the staircase illusion. At first, you look at it; and the stairs come out at you. You're on top of them. Then you notice that they could go in, like you're looking them from beneath. So you can go back and forth from top to bottom. But then there are times that you forget what the other side looks like. And as hard as you force yourself, you can't see it the other way. Then you relax, don't think about it and BAM! there it is.
Danke;
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