Ex is getting married

[fitchick]

Hey folks just wondering your thoughts on this topic.

I was dating my ex for three years.
We did everything together and formed a relationship thats very comfortable and rare now a days i like to think. Well anyways we ended up finishing school and i moved back home til i can find a better job and he moved back home til we found better jobs. Both of us kind of got stuck in towns four hours apart. He asked me to come move with him but i told him that i felt like the best option was for us to stay at home for now even though it sucks and keep searching for jobs so we can save money for our future together.
Anyways a few months went by and we did see each other quite a bit still. I used to take weeks off work to drive four hours and stay just so we could spend time together. Things were still amazing with us and everything seemed perfect til a few months ago when he sududenly told me that he didnt want us to be together anymore. He didnt really give any reason what so ever. He said that he couldnt explain it.

Anyways it was a huge suprise and i had a hard time dealing with it.
We were still talking and stuff and then three weeks ago he msgs me and tells me that hes been seeing some girl for three weeks and that he thinks he loves her and is gonna ask her to marry him soon.
I was in complete shock. Three years of us being together and in three weeks of seeing someone he thinks hes ready for marriage. Not only that but he always states that he wants to have a kid in the next year.
IT hit me like a brick wall. In a way i was super super hurt cause i still love him adn feel that maybe one day when we get our careers figured out we could be together. On the other hand i laugh. How can you know that you want to marry someone in three weeks??? and have a kid???? thats a huge committment and i think its osmething that should be taken seriously and be really well thought out. I think that theres too high of a divorce rate and broken families as it is let alone rushing into something.

Anyways recently he told me that he cant talk to me anymore cause his new gf doesnt like him having contact with me so i havent talked to him in a week or so. I think this whole situation is pretty crazy. what do you think ???
any advice?? im having a hard time dealing with this craziness.It really hurts to know that you can be replaced so easily after such a long time together.

 

[PHIL HERNON]

I am sorry but....

You put your career before him and that is what caused the split. He sought someone who put him first. I know it hurts, but it is a lessoned learned. Put your significant other FIRST.

 

[fitchick]

Not the case

I actually didnt put my career before him.
I simply wanted us to be stable. We both had 9 dollar an hour jobs at the time and it was better for us to stay at home save money and both apply for jobs in teh same city. Our plan was to make enough cash to afford a place in the same city. There was nothing more than i wanted than to move in together and continue with all our plans however i felt we needed to be able to find our careers as well in the process.

 

[brandonjpowell]

I am sorry to hear about your loss and how heartbroken you
are, but as a man, I know I would not care if you did not
work, I would take care of you just as long as you were
here with me. $9 per hour jobs are not that hard to come
by, and I am sure that he feels you could have got one in
his town if you really wanted to be with him.

 

[fitchick]

no

geez its hard to explain but
i had a job here making 20 bucks an hour doing what i went to school for
he was waiting to get hired by a fire dept
so i thought it was better to live at home and save cash since he was living at home with his parents and i didnt feel comfortable moving into his parents house with him it was too weird.

I dont think its good to give up yoru dreams and just go to where some guy is just because. I loved this guy more than you could ever imagine but i want to work with kids doing physio so thats my dream. Why should i giveup my dream to do that to take a job for 9 bucks an hour doing something i hate??
However our plan was for him to get ajob then i would move there and find a job he just never went out and actually did that.

 

[brandonjpowell]

I am not belittling you or in any way saying that your
dreams do not amount to a hill of beans. Not at all! I would not
move into my wife's parents house even now that we are
married with children. So I understand your point their.
However, as a guy, I still think that because you were so
far away, and this other woman was here and now, he
decided to go with the other woman.

 

[fitchick]

distance

Distance does suck
i am aware guess what i was half the equation too
however i feel if you truly love somone you will do anything to be with them even if that means sticking out the bad times and hard times to get to the good stuff.
what would the world be like if you loved someone until someone else more convenient came along??? thats how it feels to me
and how can u truly know you love soeone and marry them in less than three weeks?? to me it sounds unrealistic and it sounds like hes in a rush for no good reason.

 

[Steak Helmet]

well, both of you have degrees...I would have moved to a bigger city moved to her and applied for jobs while we lived together. IF you just want to earn some money to get out of some where, you can live together and work a couple jobs to save up. I would not like the 4 hour distance thing...I feel people grow apart not having the person physically there.

WEll I think he is just depserate...if he marries her and has a kid right away, he will come to regret it...he will realize that he did not get to know the girl first.

yes it hurts, but you are in a much better boat than him.

 

[brandonjpowell]

My two cents...

After sleeping on this I think he's lying to you about how
long he has known this woman. You are four hours away and
she is right their. Does she work with him? How did they
meet? You don't do what he is doing after knowing someone
for just three weeks!

Sometimes two people who love each other can grow apart, or
certain important needs are not being met and the other
person can stray. My wife, whom I have been with for over
twelve years, cheated on me with her boss earlier this year
and we are now working things out. I never thought she
would ever do something like that, but lo and behold she
did.

She said it was because I was not meeting some of her most
basic needs. Needs like talking to her like I used to, or
going places with her on dates. You know just having fun
with her. Nope, I was too caught up in making my business
work and would end up spending sixteen hours a day for
weeks on end working on making things in my business
work.

Well it got me cheated on, and looking back, I don't really
blame her. She was lonely and needed my attention. She
would have preferred to have my meet her needs but in the
long run, I was a source of pain for her and her boss was
a shoulder to cry on so to speak.

I learned a valuable lesson in the experience. If you value
someone pay attention to their needs. not the needs that
you think they have, but the ones that they are telling you
that are most important to them and then fill them! Think
about it. Why do you want a life with this guy? I am
willing to bet it's because he meets most of your needs and
that is why you love him.

Well for some reason or another you have not met some or
all of his needs and now he is looking to another for
relief. It does not mean that your relationship is over but
for now with you so far away, it is.

However, don't loose sight of you! I still run my business
and put in some tremendous hours, but I make sure that I
meet my wife's needs as well. We are starting to get closer
and her little fling is a thing of the past. I talked to
her and told her that I have dreams just like she does and
running my business will take allot of time, and it has
made us some serious money. However, I did not marry my
business and in the long run it is not as important to me
as she is. So we are working on meeting each others needs
and falling back in love with each other.

Wow, where the hell did this book come from? I am done
writing now, and I apologize for the long diatribe. I just
can relate to what you are going through. I felt the same
way when my wife strayed.

If you want to make your relationships work I suggest you
get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley.

It literally saved my marriage!

Sincerely,
Brandon

 

[PHIL HERNON]

Thats my point

geez its hard to explain but
i had a job here making 20 bucks an hour doing what i went to school for
he was waiting to get hired by a fire dept
so i thought it was better to live at home and save cash since he was living at home with his parents and i didnt feel comfortable moving into his parents house with him it was too weird.

I dont think its good to give up yoru dreams and just go to where some guy is just because. I loved this guy more than you could ever imagine but i want to work with kids doing physio so thats my dream. Why should i giveup my dream to do that to take a job for 9 bucks an hour doing something i hate??
However our plan was for him to get ajob then i would move there and find a job he just never went out and actually did that.

You put your career before him. I am not saying you are wrong, you just had your priorities. To you it was "just because", to him it was your career.

 

[Sigmund Roid]

You've been with him for three years?

She's been with him three weeks. The party manners are still on. They haven't spent enough time together to really know each other. He's filling the void with another person. She may be really nice, but I agree with you, it's a little early to be talking about having children with this woman.

It would be nice if people had integrity and honor, wouldn't it. One would hope that if 'love' were indeed true that it could survive a little distance and temptation.

Another way to look at it is the fact that you are not married. He made no such vows and is 'dating' you and evidently another. You've just learned something very valuable about your ex! Maybe he lacks the character you'd desire in a mate for life.

I would be hurt if I were you and nothing but time and your positive thinking about the situation will change affect that. I hope you are able to weather this and keep on with your goals. You can still have another great relationship, this is just a tough bump in the road.

At least he's made a clean break and isn't stringing you along. That would be even worse.

 

[supersized25]

good thing you found out now

you may have put your career first but that is what responsible adults do. props to you. obviously this guy could not handle it and if he cant respect you for wanting a better life for the both of you than bye bye to him. i think you should be commended for wanting your own career rather than asking him to support. nothin sexier than a carrer woman that can stand on her own two feet. keep it up,

 

[pumpputnam]

You put your career before him. I am not saying you are wrong, you just had your priorities. To you it was "just because", to him it was your career.

I kinda agree here with Phil. I don't know the situation so I would rather not speculate. Jess and I are in a very similar sitution. The only difference is that we know we want to marry each other and we are planning everything slowly with that in mind. I moved from ATL to Knoxville, TN to faciliate this relationship with her. She just graduated and she had an option to move back with her parents, they live in Ohio, in order to save money. This was not even an option for her as she wished to remain with me. Regardless, I would have never remained in the relationship if that had been the case. Here is a saying, "Either it is, or it isn't". We want to spend the rest of our lifes together and we believe that we make each other stronger. Our strength is us being together, like a team. Money is important and we are working through these issues in order to prepare for our future. We are still individuals working through our own issues but we are here(the same place) because we wouldn't have it any other way. You would have been just as happy being together broke and sharing your lifes if it was with the right person. My brother and his wife had nothing(poor) when they got married. He had $7.00 in his account and they took out a loan to honeymoon. They are very well off now, with a lake house, this house, that house. This is what they both say. Don't delay your happiness if the person is the right one. It sounds has if you and this guy weren't on the same page with this. Did you not talk about marriage? Did you think he was the one? My brother and his wife also say that they are no more happy now that they have money than when they were broke. They speak of those early days with so much sparkle in their eyes. This is what Jess and I have for one another. If you can live without the other person than they aren't the one. So with that said, it seems like you could live without him by returning home. He could live without you by finding someone else so soon. I tell girls this all the time. Never date a guy long distance. They will eventually get something going on the side. When this happens they will create distance between the person who is the furthest away. The other relationship is more convient. If you want him and think he is worth it and that what you had is worth it then you have to go fight for him. Go see him. You wouldn't be crazy. See what he does. You'll then know where everything stands. You will need closure to be healthy for someone else. I don't agree with what he did. Don't settle for anything less than God's best!