Leaving your family for another

Ehren · Jul 6, 2009

This may sound dumb, Man, but there are two different things I'd say here.

First, keep your family. Change things with your wife to suit yourself. She'll do anything for you obviously. If not, eventually, you'll lose them both.

Second, the other woman's ultimatum is the first yanking of YOUR leash. Her saying jump and you jumping sets up the entire rest of your relationship. It is doomed to failure. She will not respect you. You'll be looking over your shoulder forever and wondering where she is. How do you think her husband got to be how he is?

Yes, I've been down this road, but no kids, thankfully. I had a great fiancee and met my "dream" girl and we went at it for 2 years while I put off the marriage. My fiancee was beautiful, I mean really. Dream Girl was also, but extremely nasty in bed. And Dream Girl was married. I met her husband and he was a great looking, successful and did I mention, MONSTROUS guy. And by everyone's account, the kindest individual around. He knew also. When we met, I was coming out of my house with her on a Sunday morning. He happened to be driving by, coming home from a business trip. Bad timing. He stopped and shook my hand. I would not have been so kind. It was then I realized that she would do the same to me. It's just what she does. She eats kindness. To be with her, I would have to be a dick forever and never relent or relax or trust her. We had a long fight that day and I decided we needed a break.

But Karma found me quickly:

That night, after the long fight with "DG", I had decided it was time to step back from from "Dream Girl" and not be together so I could get some perspective. But it was like a bad movie, I was busted on my "last job". My fiancee came over and I was so happy and relieved and so tired. She was in bed waiting for me to come from the shower. She was quiet. She asked me why the pillow smelled like perfume and why I had changed the sheets after just a few days. I explained it away. When I was all done lying. She produced an earring, not hers of course.

Over, man. Done. I tried to lie, then explain, and it was ok for a couple weeks. She really loved me. Then, when it all seemed to be settling down, she left.

Bro, you NEVER want to see that look on your wife's face as I saw on her beautiful one that evening. All the bullshit falls away for that moment and you see her for what she is. And what you are. And the sheer magnitude of pain you've caused just for the sake of "fun". It will change her permanently, in a bad way. If you have a soul, it will haunt you forever. If it doesn't, you should never be married.

I was an asshole and got what I had coming. My ex-fiancee was actually the perfect one, and I was too busy being bad and entertaining myself with a chick that was more "exciting".

I'm in Europe, my ex-fiancee now lives in Paris and is engaged to a Neurosurgeon who adores her. Good for her, she's a good egg. "Dream Girl" is still married and still cheating. It's just what she does.

EVERLAST · Jul 6, 2009

Hey TC...

Ehren said:
This may sound dumb, Man, but there are two different things I'd say here.

First, keep your family. Change things with your wife to suit yourself. She'll do anything for you obviously. If not, eventually, you'll lose them both.

Second, the other woman's ultimatum is the first yanking of YOUR leash. Her saying jump and you jumping sets up the entire rest of your relationship. It is doomed to failure. She will not respect you. You'll be looking over your shoulder forever and wondering where she is. How do you think her husband got to be how he is?

Yes, I've been down this road, but no kids, thankfully. I had a great fiancee and met my "dream" girl and we went at it for 2 years while I put off the marriage. My fiancee was beautiful, I mean really. Dream Girl was also, but extremely nasty in bed. And Dream Girl was married. I met her husband and he was a great looking, successful and did I mention, MONSTROUS guy. And by everyone's account, the kindest individual around. He knew also. When we met, I was coming out of my house with her on a Sunday morning. He happened to be driving by, coming home from a business trip. Bad timing. He stopped and shook my hand. I would not have been so kind. It was then I realized that she would do the same to me. It's just what she does. She eats kindness. To be with her, I would have to be a dick forever and never relent or relax or trust her. We had a long fight that day and I decided we needed a break.

But Karma found me quickly:

That night, after the long fight with "DG", I had decided it was time to step back from from "Dream Girl" and not be together so I could get some perspective. But it was like a bad movie, I was busted on my "last job". My fiancee came over and I was so happy and relieved and so tired. She was in bed waiting for me to come from the shower. She was quiet. She asked me why the pillow smelled like perfume and why I had changed the sheets after just a few days. I explained it away. When I was all done lying. She produced an earring, not hers of course.

Over, man. Done. I tried to lie, then explain, and it was ok for a couple weeks. She really loved me. Then, when it all seemed to be settling down, she left.

Bro, you NEVER want to see that look on your wife's face as I saw on her beautiful one that evening. All the bullshit falls away for that moment and you see her for what she is. And what you are. And the sheer magnitude of pain you've caused just for the sake of "fun". It will change her permanently, in a bad way. If you have a soul, it will haunt you forever. If it doesn't, you should never be married.

I was an asshole and got what I had coming. My ex-fiancee was actually the perfect one, and I was too busy being bad and entertaining myself with a chick that was more "exciting".

I'm in Europe, my ex-fiancee now lives in Paris and is engaged to a Neurosurgeon who adores her. Good for her, she's a good egg. "Dream Girl" is still married and still cheating. It's just what she does.

sixteen ways to say it man.
I agree with Ehren here.
Life has a way of showing you....sometimes what you dont want to see.
Love that line above..."it's just what she does"
guys watch out for this woman. She looks like a lot of different women.
Blondes and redheads and that girl you been thinking about cheatin with too.
They are the same woman underneath it all. They are empty and cold and want to take what you have from you. They eat kindness up.

dont fall.

abolish the weak · Jul 6, 2009

Dont do it!!

Dont do it man, you'll regret it everyday of your life if you do. It'd be one thing is you didn;t have kids and a decent wife but from the sounds of it you do. Use your head and drop the side piece, and if it were myself I'd go talk to somebody about maybe working on some of my flaws and unfaithfulness. We all have hang ups, but whether or not we choose to better ourselves is the key.

EasyEJL · Jul 7, 2009

triathloncoach said:
I have a fantastic wife, but she is boring as hell and I just can't talk to her. Although she is fantastic in the sack, so this is absolutely not about getting my Dick Wet. Although I love that line!

Whats funny is that there were a few studies that show that men tend to have affairs more for emotional attachment, and women more for sex.

So then I think its time to try and find things you and your wife can appreciate together whatever they are. Keep in mind, odds are fair to moderate she thinks that the things you do are boring as hell, and can't talk to you since thats all you want to talk about

Give and take, alternate weekends of who gets to choose what. She has to have some interests, maybe if you start to learn about the intricacies of one of them it will seem more interesting.

EasyEJL · Jul 7, 2009

And just to show i'm as human as the rest of y'all, I was texting with my female friend and am meeting her for lunch next wed.

Its funny though, my wife gets the benefit of me being all extra horny and filled with fantasies

since we only meet for lunch and only on work days

triathloncoach · Jul 7, 2009

EasyEJL

A personal thanks! Although I wasn't thrilled with your initial contribution, your advice is greatly appreciated and thought provoking.

But I guess I don't have to tell you you are playing with fire. Just lunch, and only on work dates. My DG and I have had car sex HUNDREDS of times. Many in the day light hours and many on work days. Gotta love minivans and crew cab pick ups.

Well, if you do fuck up, take some cell phone photos and PM me. I love my blackberry.

EasyEJL · Jul 7, 2009

well, I also try to make sure that at least one of the two of us has to be back at the office at a certain time. But yeah, I know i'm playing with fire. And i'm driving the minivan currently.... thankfully its dirty as hell inside, plus baby carseat, strollers, etc not exactly a ton of space.

If I do end up compromised i'll definitely use the cell for some titty shots at least, she has a beautiful dr made set.

But I won't

See thats why I felt ok saying what I said earlier because i've ridden the edge of that same thing for wheeeew 7 years now? Its enough that it adds that little spark, some excitement, but I never break the marriage vows. When it became hard, and got close was when the wife and I were bitterly fighting at one point and at the same time she was on the outs with her boyfriend at the time, and I was working closer to her than ever, at a job that had me working insane hours anyhow. But all the moreso I realized then it was a bridge that once I cross once, I can't ever uncross. Same sort of thing happened when I first married my wife as well, except with the other woman then I probably went and hung out with her 3-4 nites a week, sometimes drinking etc (my wife and I worked different shifts). Didn't do anything then, although it was only a couple of months of that.

EasyEJL · Jul 7, 2009

Dammit, i'm going to have to make sure the minivan is extra nasty.

triathloncoach · Jul 7, 2009

Mini Van

Nasty doesn't matter. I have 2 young kids and 3 dogs in my truck all the time. My DG is horribly allergic to dogs. And she throws down - with her Dr made Boobies as well.

EasyEJL · Jul 7, 2009

Well, I can always fall back on the conversation she and I had about it. In that we both agreed that if it ever does happen, that first time needs to be a good 4-5 hours in a hotel room as it might be the only time, so better make it worthwhile

Sesshomaru · Jul 8, 2009

triathloncoach said:
But some of the advice is spot on: It's not just between DG and wife. Being alone is also very appealing. But my kids should live with their father who loves them. I have a fantastic wife, but she is boring as hell and I just can't talk to her. Although she is fantastic in the sack, so this is absolutely not about getting my Dick Wet. Although I love that line!

You need to talk to her about this or go to counseling to resolve that, otherwise youre going to keep finding temptation. Its fine if you find out that youre both incompatible in the long run, but do work out the avenues to find out if its true.

Metal · Jul 10, 2009

Straying is human nature, we all want to eventually, its not a question of if, its a question of when.

I think we humans give ourselves too much credit. We are not as strong nor smart as we would like to think. 99% of divorce is the result of affairs and infidelity; and the divorce rate in America is currently above 50%!

What about the people who cheat and dont get caught? or do get caught but are given another chance? How about swingers? How about people who are dating.... they cant get divorced?

The bottom line is you are no different than most of us, if not all. We are not monogamous natrually. You can believe in whatever gods or saviors you chose, look to them for all the strength you can, they dont give it to you do they? Its not enough aye? Sorry, Im an Atheist.

Bang em a few and go home. Just that simple. Your wife may be gettin a little herself too! Ya never know.

Bailing on your family though???? I dunno man. There is NO pussy in the world that good. JMO

Good luck to you.

SecondAct · Jul 12, 2009

Physical pain, pain from losing a family member, pain when your kids dissapoint you, all that shit is the kiddie pool compared to regret. Regret is a killer and I'm speaking from experience, no kids for me, but a marriage gone South over foolishness. Physical pain, fuck, you die or get better, it passes, family member dies, you mourn, it always stings but lessens over time. Regret stays and gets stronger often. You mess something up and the situation is irreconcilable. You have actually been extremely lucky and you better cash your chips in and gtfo before you are in for a world of regret.

Have you seen that Governor from SC on tv and how incredibly stupid he looks with the e-mails, and the puppy dog googly-eyed I'm in love BS ? That's you right now, and if you could spend a moment in someone else's shoes you would see how stupid you look right now. That shit is for 13 year old girls. I'm not hating, I've been that asshole in spades, and let me tell you, you're going to feel the fool if you get a little distance and get your head right.

Her kids will hate you, and always hate you. Your kids will never really respect you. It's hard enough to bond with someone else's kids when you had nothing to do with their parents break-up. I'm in that now and it's a pain in the ass.

You want to go, that's obvious, and are looking for someone to say they did it and it's great. Four months and no one is here telling you that, because it doesn't go that way. If someone does tell you that, the other shoe simply hasn't dropped yet. Most here are incredibly disciplined in regards to taking care of how they look, throw a little energy and discipline into getting your shit straight and staying away.

I've been blunt because I am trying to save you from some serious pain. If I asked you advice on a cycle, or anyone here with knowledge, I would expect them to give me the benefit of their experience and tell me how to avoid problems they encountered. Take this as that type of advice. This happens everyday, I know a dozen friends who have made the mistake, it won't go well. If your marriage gets unbearable, get divorced and STILL stay the hell away from her. What starts badly ends badly.

EasyEJL · Jul 15, 2009

well, wish me luck at lunch today

triathloncoach · Jul 15, 2009

Your Lunch Today

Second Act gives some fantastic advice. Thanks dude. I'm really making the break this time. I was very definitive, tho' she is making it very tough.

Hey Easy - You know you are dancing with the Devil. (Metaphorically speaking, I'm sure she's not the Devil)

My guess is that you 2 are going to have sex, or at least do something inappropriate. How many guys would say no to your lunch date? I'm guessing not many at all.

Well Easy - If you fuck up, make the most of it and have a great time. You dog.

EasyEJL · Jul 15, 2009

maybe a bit boring, but just lunch. went to a nice placw on the water, she had tuna, i had salmon. she paid bcause i drove further, and nothing inappropriate h appened. but fun anyhow

so is it wrong to have a friend of the opposite sex who you enjoy spending time with, but happen to also want to bone?

triathloncoach · Jul 15, 2009

Wrong?

I don't know if I would call it wrong, but you are putting yourself in a potentially bad spot. It's probably wrong, only because I would be having lunch with her.

Here's the litmus test tho' - do you tell your wife? Does your wife know how pretty this girl is? If you can answer yes twice, then I would worry less.

But this is a classic example of how affairs begin if you ask me. I know I wouldn't trust myself. But more power to you if you are a better man than me. I'm sure it's fun to see and be seen with her.

EasyEJL · Jul 15, 2009

Well, my wife knows her, and knows i email and chat with her. Dunno if i've specifically mentioned going to lunch with her, but then we only do it a handful of times a year anyhow, and i haven't avoided it. Not like I give my wife the run down of what I do for lunch daily.

Whats funny is we generally spend most of the time talking about our kids and significant others than anything else. Although maybe there is some sexual tension underneath I think we both feel its a point we're better off not crossing. In a lot of ways its really nice to have someone the same age (she and I are 7 days apart) who grew up in the same area (maybe 100 miles apart) of the opposite sex to talk to as it gives some insight as to why we are expecting what we expect, things to try, things we're missing, etc with our significant others.

Its probably not the brightest thing i've ever done, but certainly not the dumbest either

Nssca · Jul 15, 2009

triathloncoach said:
Has anyone actually left their spouse and children for another? Does it ever work? If not how did you finally end the affair if your feelings were mutually strong. I'm talking about a great wife of 11 years, 2 young children - but then meeting your dream/fantasy person. Who is also married with 3 kids. She wants to end her marriage and for you to leave your family to be together. It went on for about 2.5 years. I ended it about 3 months ago, but she is still letting me know she is available. Of how we F**k up our lives. It's been tough to stay away. It's very much like an addiction.

Most people confuse need for love. Do you need your spouse for security?
Or maybe you feel you will betray your kids if you left?
Do you just need the sex from this other woman because she makes you feel needed/wanted?

The question is, if every thing being equal between these two women...who do you feel real love for..not lust but real love..not need, but unconditional love?
Which one? Now that may take some time to answer.

If you never saw your wife again would it hurt? If you never saw this other woman again...would it hurt? Or maybe another bitch comes along and you'd forget about the first other woman? See my point?
I think you just like the extra pussy on the side.

Nothing wrong with that. But it is lying and your wife doesn't know the truth. If it is just the lust and great sex, that is need fulfillment...not love and no that wont last, because as soon as the need is gone so is the relationship.

Most people entire in to a relationship for need fulfillment. I'll trade you this if you give me that, namely to loneliness, security, sex, happiness ect.

As soon as they realize the need is not real or is fulfilled, the relationship is over.
The other person says to their spouse, " You've changed, your not the man/woman I married. Its because now they are claiming who they really are, where as before they acted different to please the significant other and to keep what they think they need.

Most confuse need for love and that is the reason marriages don't last, they are entered into for the wrong reasons. Not wrong in the sense of good or bad but in the sense that it will not give them what they thought it would provide...at lest in the long run. So they keep marring the same "Type" of person over and over...going through relationships like water.
All because of needs being confused for love.
Now many more than you could ever realize finally understand they have married the "wrong" person and live their lives in quiet desperation, because they feel they will betray the other if they leave...
but betraying yourself in order to not betray another, is betrayal none the less.