well.. speaking of farts.. when i was about 21 or so the "in" supplement was a product called hotstuff.... some of the old timers will remember it.. anyway, for you newbies, it was a protein powder that contained literally dozens of odd ingrediants.. bull testicals, dhea, all kinds of roots.. a basic gasterial nightmare..
one night my buddy jim and i decide to hit the local nighclub.. i was in a rush to get my workout in and get something to eat along with showering ect .. well.. jim was impatient.. so i mixed a large helping of hotstuff into a blender with 16 oz of orange juice.. yeah, i know.. dont judge me.. and off we went..
well i no sooner am getting out of the car when my intestines start to show their displeasure with my supplement choice.. the rumbling and gurgling was intense.. but, i soldiered on..
we get into the the club and i have a rum and coke.. well.. because i am a pussy.. try to keep up.. so i now have successfully mixed a mixed drink with hotstuff and added to the nutritional content of the concoction.. the rumbling continues...
now dear reader, you may say "LATS why did you not go to the bathroom and relieve yourself of this toxic brew?".. well if you have ever seen this turd drop off they called a restroom you would understand .. so i just clinched the old glutes together and hoped for the best.. i was a time bomb..
now, i could not even fart to relieve myself without fear of chambering a live round.. by now, i was sweating profusely and the rumbling was audable over the thumping music by now.. things were not looking "cheery" to say the least.. was i actually going to shit my pants in a busy nightclub? looked like it.. and the fact that jim was loving my misery was not helping.. so i did the only move i could i tried to sit down in a chair next to the dancefloor.. in my mind, it was my only defense.. sitting would reinforce the glutes in keeping back the intestinal waste.. would it work?
well about 2 minutes after taking the seat my stomach felt better.. dont get me wrong i still had to crap.. but it was not as impending as before.. i was relieved.. jim came over and asked how i was.. i gave him the proverbial thumbsup look.. all was well.. then i made my strategic blunder.. i felt as though i could fart now and take some of the pressure off the bloated, pissed off colon.. i ever so nonchalant tilted my buttocks to the right and let out a fart... immediate relief and i did not soil myself.. so i once again, released some wolf bait.. this time i let it go .. no sound.. just 10-15 seconds of hot seeping air dispersing from my syphicter.. no sound .. no foul.. who would know?
immediately my plan went haywire.. i was hit with a smell of sulfur laden eggs... i cant describe it any other way.. i was repulsed .. and i did it.. you would think i would want to claim such a gem and high 5 my buddies.. no.. i was disgusted by me.. i turn and look at jim.. he is unaware.. he is bobbing his head to the music and having a good time it appears.. not for long.. in a instant his head snaps toward my direction with eyes bulging.. i saw his lips utter "what the f@#$".... i lose it .. i start laughing hysterical.. with this i pop out another... the smell is all consuming.. there is no escaping it... surely these people have got to be aware of something foul in their mist..
just then i see a girl on the dancefloor bring her hand to her nose.. she makes a dry heave gesture and smacks her boyfriend.. he tries to convince her that he did not do it.. and one by one the dominos fall.. people start blaming each other and covering their faces..i am pointing to jim the action on the dancefloor.. he is covering his mouth too but, he is laughing his ass off.. the herd of people start to leave the dancefloor but, they are like wildebeasts caught in a stampede.. they actually come in my direction trying to escape the toxic fumes..no chance.. i float another biscuit like the second one.. 10 seconds of silent death.. the crowd within seconds is enraged.. it is no longer humorous to some.. they shift positions to another side of the dancefloor and blame one another for the sulfur laden air.. there is 2-3 minutes of unease on the floor then it subsides.. jim and i are acting like 5 year olds and still hysterical..
my tummy is now all better and i feel like a new man.. so i soldier up to the bar.. i am standing there when i girl comes up i have known since highschool.. she gives me a hug and we start talking.. she then says " who ever did that smell has absolutely no class.. that was ridiculous.. they should have excused themselves and went out side... i thought i was gonna be sick".. i agreed.. "yeah, that was pretty bad.. no class.. i hate to admit it but, it was jim.. he thinks that shit is funny"... she turns and sees jim just standing there minding his own business listening to the music.. she grabs her drink and walks past him.. she stops, smacks him on the chest, and points her finger at him and stomps off.. jim looks at me and mouths "what the hell did i do?" i just shrug my shoulders...
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