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OuchThatHurts
Moderator / Psy, Ret.
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I wanted to take a moment and address some issues I’ve noticed lately concerning relationships. In my short years I have learned that life is very cyclical and it seems it is that time once again when relationships everywhere are having difficulties. If you do not have any problems in this area then you can stop here. If you are, I’d like to address a few things. For the remainder of this post, I’ll only be focusing on those personal and intimate relationships of a committed nature.
The first thing I want to touch on is the relationship itself. Do you know why you are in a relationship? Don’t worry - there is no wrong answer. Do you love the person you are with? It’s very easy to answer that question but are you certain you are being honest with yourself regarding the answer? Are you with that person because you honestly do love them or do you enjoy the safety of having someone around? Does the thought of living life without someone at your side scare you? And why is being alone for a while such a terrible thing?
Relationships should be built on things like trust, friendship, and mutual admiration. Consider these things the bedrock of all good relationships. All the other things like sex and other sensual or sensational things are secondary to these. Why would you want to have a relationship based on anything else? If you did have such a relationship, what type of relationship would it be?
Let’s use an analogy. Two people are like drinking glasses. Drinking glasses come in all shapes and sizes. There are shot glasses and 32oz drinking glasses. There are short ones and there are tall ones, etc. But one thing is certain, whether you are a shot glass or a 32oz glass, you should strive to be filled to capacity. What does it matter what size glass you are if you can’t hold any more anyway? If you have two glasses of different sizes and both are filled to the brim, which glass is more full? Neither. You are both completely full and equal in happiness because you are both fully happy. Take this analogy a step further. What if you are not full? What if, in fact, you are almost empty? You may look for someone else to fill what’s missing in your glass. This may seem like a small problem but eventually, you drain the other person’s glass dry. This is not love! It’s when both people give from their fullness that both glasses overflow! (give from the fullness of your heart) It is THEN that the whole becomes greater than the sum of it's parts.
So even if you missed the point of the last paragraph, suffice it to say that you know you are ready to give in to a relationship when you yourself are filled. Not when you are empty or half-full. You can see this quite a lot when in a relationship one always seems to give, give, give and the other just takes, takes, takes. Now what do you suppose the “giver” in that scenario will eventually come to realize? How long will the guilt be felt by the "taker"? When you give in to a relationship, what you are saying is “I give myself to you” – are you giving them a smooth running vehicle or a jalopy jacked up on cinder blocks? If you put on a front yet inside your brave face is covered by a shroud of emptiness and self-loathing, how long do you think that will hold up? How fair is that to the other person?
Why would you want to do this to yourself anyway? What good is a relationship to you if it’s built on lies, mistrust, infidelity, and self-hatred? Even MORE importantly, what good is to that person in whom you have placed your “love”? It would probably be better if you just went out on a date with her, slept with her, stole her purse, stomped on her foot and ran out the door. At least then, she’d only have to endure the one night.
Regarding infidelity… this is perhaps the toughest love destroyer of all. Not only does it send a message to your beloved spouse or boy/girlfriend that you can’t be trusted but also that she (or he) is not good or enough for you. If this is the case then it is your duty to let that person go find a life with someone who WILL treat him or her properly. Otherwise it’s plain that you are only thinking of yourself and I have no help or pity for you.
Self-esteem… this is another big one. I see more low self-esteem now than I did just a few years ago. It seems with every new generation, people have even less self-esteem. I’d hate to have to go through the counseling forum and highlight every self-deprecating remark. I’m not going to write a volume here as I could on this topic alone but will just bring it up to try and illustrate to you that you should never use someone’s low self-esteem to your advantage or allow someone to take advantage of you because of your lack of self-esteem. Not an easy thing to ask of you but self-esteem is fragile. Although it can be broke, it can also be rebuilt. Take comfort in that. Keep in mind though that tearing it down is easier than building it back up. If your self-esteem hinges on another person’s opinion of you, than you have low self-esteem. This is common among females who are raised to think that the unrealistic standards of beauty portrayed in the media are the measure of their self-worth – although this same thing is becoming more common in males as well. I see it in men who try unsuccessfully to follow in their father's footsteps as well as MANY, MANY other places/scenerios.
Lastly, I want to tell you all as your friend. For God’s sake, TALK to one another. Communicate! Take CARE of one another. Don’t take turns being each other’s doormats and don’t walk all over each other. Strive for relationships in which you BOTH can be happy! If you find yourself rummaging through your husband’s pants pockets to see if he’s cheating, something is VERY wrong and needs to be addressed. You will never be happy in life while in a relationship filled with doubt, suspicion, and confusion. A fleeting moment perhaps but even you know that it is just an illuson. A relationship built on trust and friendship can survive almost anything so make these things the foundation. Do not settle for anything less because you deserve nothing less. It’s very hard to live inside a lie and you know when you are. Refuse to do it. Make the changes. Both of you will be better people for it and I’ll be able to take on an early retirement.
Jon
The first thing I want to touch on is the relationship itself. Do you know why you are in a relationship? Don’t worry - there is no wrong answer. Do you love the person you are with? It’s very easy to answer that question but are you certain you are being honest with yourself regarding the answer? Are you with that person because you honestly do love them or do you enjoy the safety of having someone around? Does the thought of living life without someone at your side scare you? And why is being alone for a while such a terrible thing?
Relationships should be built on things like trust, friendship, and mutual admiration. Consider these things the bedrock of all good relationships. All the other things like sex and other sensual or sensational things are secondary to these. Why would you want to have a relationship based on anything else? If you did have such a relationship, what type of relationship would it be?
Let’s use an analogy. Two people are like drinking glasses. Drinking glasses come in all shapes and sizes. There are shot glasses and 32oz drinking glasses. There are short ones and there are tall ones, etc. But one thing is certain, whether you are a shot glass or a 32oz glass, you should strive to be filled to capacity. What does it matter what size glass you are if you can’t hold any more anyway? If you have two glasses of different sizes and both are filled to the brim, which glass is more full? Neither. You are both completely full and equal in happiness because you are both fully happy. Take this analogy a step further. What if you are not full? What if, in fact, you are almost empty? You may look for someone else to fill what’s missing in your glass. This may seem like a small problem but eventually, you drain the other person’s glass dry. This is not love! It’s when both people give from their fullness that both glasses overflow! (give from the fullness of your heart) It is THEN that the whole becomes greater than the sum of it's parts.
So even if you missed the point of the last paragraph, suffice it to say that you know you are ready to give in to a relationship when you yourself are filled. Not when you are empty or half-full. You can see this quite a lot when in a relationship one always seems to give, give, give and the other just takes, takes, takes. Now what do you suppose the “giver” in that scenario will eventually come to realize? How long will the guilt be felt by the "taker"? When you give in to a relationship, what you are saying is “I give myself to you” – are you giving them a smooth running vehicle or a jalopy jacked up on cinder blocks? If you put on a front yet inside your brave face is covered by a shroud of emptiness and self-loathing, how long do you think that will hold up? How fair is that to the other person?
Why would you want to do this to yourself anyway? What good is a relationship to you if it’s built on lies, mistrust, infidelity, and self-hatred? Even MORE importantly, what good is to that person in whom you have placed your “love”? It would probably be better if you just went out on a date with her, slept with her, stole her purse, stomped on her foot and ran out the door. At least then, she’d only have to endure the one night.
Regarding infidelity… this is perhaps the toughest love destroyer of all. Not only does it send a message to your beloved spouse or boy/girlfriend that you can’t be trusted but also that she (or he) is not good or enough for you. If this is the case then it is your duty to let that person go find a life with someone who WILL treat him or her properly. Otherwise it’s plain that you are only thinking of yourself and I have no help or pity for you.
Self-esteem… this is another big one. I see more low self-esteem now than I did just a few years ago. It seems with every new generation, people have even less self-esteem. I’d hate to have to go through the counseling forum and highlight every self-deprecating remark. I’m not going to write a volume here as I could on this topic alone but will just bring it up to try and illustrate to you that you should never use someone’s low self-esteem to your advantage or allow someone to take advantage of you because of your lack of self-esteem. Not an easy thing to ask of you but self-esteem is fragile. Although it can be broke, it can also be rebuilt. Take comfort in that. Keep in mind though that tearing it down is easier than building it back up. If your self-esteem hinges on another person’s opinion of you, than you have low self-esteem. This is common among females who are raised to think that the unrealistic standards of beauty portrayed in the media are the measure of their self-worth – although this same thing is becoming more common in males as well. I see it in men who try unsuccessfully to follow in their father's footsteps as well as MANY, MANY other places/scenerios.
Lastly, I want to tell you all as your friend. For God’s sake, TALK to one another. Communicate! Take CARE of one another. Don’t take turns being each other’s doormats and don’t walk all over each other. Strive for relationships in which you BOTH can be happy! If you find yourself rummaging through your husband’s pants pockets to see if he’s cheating, something is VERY wrong and needs to be addressed. You will never be happy in life while in a relationship filled with doubt, suspicion, and confusion. A fleeting moment perhaps but even you know that it is just an illuson. A relationship built on trust and friendship can survive almost anything so make these things the foundation. Do not settle for anything less because you deserve nothing less. It’s very hard to live inside a lie and you know when you are. Refuse to do it. Make the changes. Both of you will be better people for it and I’ll be able to take on an early retirement.
Jon
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