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Dealing with an obese wife?

Goody

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Have any of you guys run into something like this?
My wife was always "curvy" when we were dating..I didnt mind at all..always liked my girls like that personally...I have been helping her with her weight for about 8 years now(since we met)...teaching her how to eat, how to workout properly etc...Im still teaching her...she has never really "gotten it"...she has no "internal drive" if you will..its in one ear and out the other...
After we married the weight starting getting outta control...we had some kids..she got huge and stayed huge. Im not talking a few pounds...like 5'7" and 250...OBESE....tons of bodyfat..big rolls everywhere, stomach, back, back of the knees..its disgusting. Shes probaly around 220 now (dont know for sure, she wont tell me) and she hates it but just wont get off her ass to do anything about it...she thinks working out 1-2x's a week half ass is gonna do it....
This whole time I have been VERY supportive of her...I would offer to forego my gym time for her...get up early with the kids and do the morning routine with them so she could go walk/jog around the neighborhood before work..she wont get out of bed....she'd rather sleep an extra half hour...today, instead of going to the gym after work shes going to happyhour...I would even still try to be intimate with her on a regular basis but would get turned down all the time...this led to some major disconnect obvisously and we are now going to therapy...not sure if its helping or not...

I am to the point where I am no longer attracted to her at all...partly because of what she looks like but mostly because of the sheer laziness on her part...it disgusts me. She tried to get intimate with me last night and I just couldnt bring myself to do it...she got real upset.
I really dont know what else to do here... we have two kids together and she is a great Mom...her "wife" skills are seriously lacking though to be honest..."marriage" means two very different things to us...I owe it to my kids to try and make this work but I am at wits end and could use some advice. Thanks for listening
 

Benches

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I'm sure you have tried this already but most regular people that do not work out find it easier to diet than to go the the gym. You could help prepare meals that will get her closer to her goals, as she loses a little weight be sure to compliment her and express how proud you are of her progress to help motivate her to continue.

As for being sexually intimate, up the testosterone, shut the lights off and suck it up! telling her no will simply make things much worse and destroy what little self esteem she has left.
 

The450Man

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Ask her to go on walks with you. Then work your way up to jogging.

Im sure the main reason shes not intimate much is the fact that she knows she does carry some extra luggage.
 

Emery

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Well...

These issues do suck man. Having an unhealthy spouse really is hard. You find yourself giving and giving but getting no return! It's 50/50 man. Sounds like your doing much more relationship work than she is and you are starting to burnout! That's a real hard spot to be in! I guess you really need to do some hard thinking and come up with a solution that also includes your happiness as well! I feel your pain bro!

Keep us posted and good luck!
 

1Rhino1

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Let her read your post. If that doesnt seal the deal on the divorce, it may kick her into gear. If im not sexually attracted, I can't do it man. I just can't. I have tried before, it just won't happen. The rhino horn doesn't play that shit. I'll be like cmon man, you'll like it at the end... just give it a shot..... he won't even look at me.

I really hope that you can get 100% honest with her and that she can actually do something about it Bro. I joke with my old lady all the time... I say shit like sweet thing, if you start swellin up, your ass is gone! Lol, you better hit a treadmill or somethin. I'll laugh heartily and give her a kiss.... but she knows I'm a little serious....

When we started dating, there was a loud obnoxious heavy set girl acting a fool in the theater we were at. She made some remark about her. And it led to me saying I don't get down like that. She said are you sure I could talk to her for you. I laughed and said something to the effect of she is too too much for me. She said well what if something, I could have a belly like that one day. I said sweet thing, if you had a belly like that, you wouldn't be sitting here. POW! Laid it out right there! I have a lot of motivation and drive, I am not gonna be with a women who won't even attempt to take care of herself. That's just how it is. Now we have two kids and thirty years later she gets 20 extra pounds or somethin, that may be different. But if she swells up like a tic on a bloodhound and can do something about it but chooses not to, then I'm gonna have a problem. Sorry. Call me what you will, but that's me.

Good luck Bro. I'm sure deep down you would be ecstatic to see her drop some weight and push some sex appeal again. I sure hope it works out for you.
 

Amazon Doll

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1 Rhino, that was the funniest & best post ever! :headbang:

Concentrate on the issue of her lack of motivation while you are in therapy. Everything she is not doing is based on this key issue. If she was motivated (wanted it bad enough) she would diet,exercise & get out of bed.

What her main complains about you are?

I couldn't be with a fat lazy man so my sympathy is with you.
 

King-kong

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There are a million girls out there with the same interests as you. It seems as if you are just not in love with her. Grew apart. My honest opinion is to separate for a bit and if this isnt enough for her to try to make changes to keep you, then move on. I could never share a bed with someone who repulses me. Not a big advocate on divorce but c'mon 220-250 without caring. You cannot say something that is going to change her. She needs to do it for herself and if she finds she cant live without you then let her prove it by changing her ways.
 

triathloncoach

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last but easiest solution

Ask her to get bariatric surgery. Its a miracle. With dramatic appearence and health benefits. Do it to keep the family intact
 

cachexic

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If she's 250 and showing no signs of wanting to change, you have a real serious problem, bro. I can understand 250 pounds and not changing if she was living on her own with a cat. But with a fitness-oriented husband who is there, ready to drag her to the gym and help her with her diet?...

It sounds like it is reaching the point of critical mass, with you being so physically repulsed by her. And it does indeed sound like you two have differing views on marriage. It seems she has put the kids before you. She wouldn't be the first mother to do that. That's not fair. There's no mention of children in your wedding vows.

You have to say something. Like really have a conversation about this.
 
Last edited:

Goody

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Thanks for the advice and support folks...Its the toughest thing ive gone thru for sure. If we didnt have the kids together I'd be long gone and I have told her that...I just love my boys so much I dont know whats worse...not seeing them everyday or just living thru this crap with her...I do love her, just dont really know if im IN love with her romanticly anymore...I have tried everything to help her out...I cook 95% of the meals in my house to make sure she eats good...she doesnt seem to eat much at all so I dont think bariatric surgery is really gonna do much...I really wish the answer was that simple...

We have been to 3 different endo's trying to find something wrong hormonally to explain her slow metabolism and lack of sex drive...everything comes back on the low end of "normal"...one doc diagnosed her as "peri-menipausal", shes 37, im 31. I feel that im way to young to be dealing with this crap...I feel that im just starting to hit my "prime" so to speak. I feel im missing out on so much by staying with her. We have the slow, boring, sexless marriage I might be able to accept when im like 80 years old..but at 31?..No way.

She is probaly around 220 now, she has lost 30lbs over the last two years or so....most of that was babyweight though...Whenever I get on her a bit to hit the gym or eat better if shes been slacking she throws the fact that she has already lost 30lbs back in my face and im being to "demanding"...I feel like I constantly have to "guilt" her into going to the gym...I dont get it..If I looked like her I'd be up everyday at 5 am and get the cardio in before breakfast and I wouldnt stop till I reached my goals...
Some really good advice by you guys and gals and I have a lot to think about and talk with her both alone and in therapy...Thanks a bunch.
 

King-kong

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Good luck. You have one life to live. You can either live it happy or unhappy. Whichever way you go just be sure to work it out, because continuing on the road you are on is just a waste of time.
 

Emery

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Thanks for the advice and support folks...Its the toughest thing ive gone thru for sure. If we didnt have the kids together I'd be long gone and I have told her that...I just love my boys so much I dont know whats worse...not seeing them everyday or just living thru this crap with her...I do love her, just dont really know if im IN love with her romanticly anymore...I have tried everything to help her out...I cook 95% of the meals in my house to make sure she eats good...she doesnt seem to eat much at all so I dont think bariatric surgery is really gonna do much...I really wish the answer was that simple...

We have been to 3 different endo's trying to find something wrong hormonally to explain her slow metabolism and lack of sex drive...everything comes back on the low end of "normal"...one doc diagnosed her as "peri-menipausal", shes 37, im 31. I feel that im way to young to be dealing with this crap...I feel that im just starting to hit my "prime" so to speak. I feel im missing out on so much by staying with her. We have the slow, boring, sexless marriage I might be able to accept when im like 80 years old..but at 31?..No way.
She is probaly around 220 now, she has lost 30lbs over the last two years or so....most of that was babyweight though...Whenever I get on her a bit to hit the gym or eat better if shes been slacking she throws the fact that she has already lost 30lbs back in my face and im being to "demanding"...I feel like I constantly have to "guilt" her into going to the gym...I dont get it..If I looked like her I'd be up everyday at 5 am and get the cardio in before breakfast and I wouldnt stop till I reached my goals...
Some really good advice by you guys and gals and I have a lot to think about and talk with her both alone and in therapy...Thanks a bunch.
Man I can relate to the NO SEX DRIVE part... I am healthy and have a very healthy sex drive, my wife has NO SEX DRIVE!!! Wine and Dine, backrubs, etc... Make no difference. I am worried that I will be 60 and not get to experience a life full of good sex, love, intimacy, etc.

Don't know what to do!
 

triathloncoach

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Talk to a lawyer, then move out.

1) I've worked in the bariatric surgery market. It works. Goody, your wife is eating behind your back. As I say, you never see any fat POWs.
2 ) emery. You have a problem.

If you can afford it, talk to a lawyer first ( too try and mitigate your wives claiming abandonment). And get an apartment nearby. Right now it's just talk. You need some action to let them wake up and know how serious you are. Idle threats are easily ignored. My advice is motivated to save your marriages. If they then don't change it's decision time. Accept your situation or divorce. You are both living in the middle. The middle sucks, and can last forever.
 

Goody

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TC...good advice there man. I was hoping not to have to go to that step but deep down I think its the only thing that may work...and like you said if that doesnt work then its time for the big D...your right the middle sucks.
I have thought about the closet eating thing too...she must be real good at hiding it...ive checked her purse and under the car seats and all for signs of shit food and have never found any....she does work in a school though and they are loaded with fat, old teachers who eat nothing but crap all day...doughnuts, cake, candy, the shit is everywhere at schools...she swears she doesnt eat it but we know how that goes..
 

ericraven2003

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Being a little overweight is one thing. 20 lbs or so, but 250lbs is a real health issue. It will shorten her life being that heavy. Perhaps she is miserable. When I let myself go, and almost lost my marriage I was up to a 40" waist. I was miserable with myself and life. I had to make a change for myself. It saved my marriage. If she cannot recognize the problem, then something is very wrong.
 

thebrick

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Threats, manipulation won't work. Resentment is the result of that. Being healthy is something she will have to find the desire to do within herself, if that ever happens. People can grow together in a marriage, people can also grow apart. I hate to say it but you have some serious decisions coming.
 

Godzilla50

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Dude , are you kidding us ? My partner can`t keep her hands off me because I have a rock hard body and sex is something I have to fight off at lease three times a week. She looks and feels great too, but every nite of every week of every month is just too much for my 50 yr.old boner !
If she isn`t puttin out it`s because she feel`s bad about the way she`s looking and to lazy and motivated to do something about it ! Bottom line !!! You need to move out for a weekend and test her motivation then. Good luck !
 

Goody

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Threats, manipulation won't work. Resentment is the result of that. Being healthy is something she will have to find the desire to do within herself, if that ever happens. People can grow together in a marriage, people can also grow apart. I hate to say it but you have some serious decisions coming.
Wise words there. Thanks
 

Goody

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Dude , are you kidding us ? My partner can`t keep her hands off me because I have a rock hard body and sex is something I have to fight off at lease three times a week. She looks and feels great too, but every nite of every week of every month is just too much for my 50 yr.old boner !
If she isn`t puttin out it`s because she feel`s bad about the way she`s looking and to lazy and motivated to do something about it ! Bottom line !!! You need to move out for a weekend and test her motivation then. Good luck !
I wish I was kidding man. You are a lucky dude.
 

Goody

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Update:
Ive reread a lot of your guys replies and they really make sense...
My wife knows how I feel about the weight issue/laziness she knows how I feel about the lack of sex drive issue...balls in her court now. She says "were going thru a rough patch"..I told her rough patches dont last YEARS...I've been battling this shit with her since we got married and quite frankly im fucking burnt. Lifes too short to battle endlessly like this.
Ive been upfront and honest with her, now lets see what she does.
Im no longer going to get on her about missing the gym or not making the right diet choices...Im no longer going to beg for intimacy and romance from her...I want her to do what comes natural for her..whatever that may be. Im prepared to walk if thats what its got to be...it will absolutly suck for awhile for our family but theres no way I can keep going like this...
 

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