O/T Am I an Insecure Jealous Boyfriend?

[jay_dub]

Alright I'm new here and this is weird asking some random internet bros that I dont know (yet anyway) about this but really I dont have anyone else to talk to this about, and you'll find out why. Most of you guys seem cool as shit too so thats why I'm posting this.

My best friend broke up with the "love of his life" and has had a very hard time getting over her. They were on and off like crazy and its very easy to tell they just arent meant for eachother. Anyway, my very serious girlfriend of 1 year, who I love will all my heart and WILL marry one day is close friends with my best friends ex. So I can understand why he would go my g/f for advice and what not.

It started over myspace which my best friend sends messages to my g/f every day about his ex and almost just his life in general. At first it was cool and I had no problems with it. Now over a month later this is still going on. Not only over myspace but over msn messenger and even phone calls. One time I called my girl and told her I was going to the gym and she mentioned she was talking to my boy. 2 hours later I get to her house and shes still on the internet talking away.. I've also seen the phone calls on her phone which last about 10 minutes. He never comes to me for advice on this stuff, ever. Maybe once in a while when we're drunk as hell at about 3:30 in the morning. Other than that its all talk to my g/f. Its gotten to the point that my g/f asks me if my bro told me about this and that and he hasnt. Like I said he never says anything to me about the things he talks to her about. Its moved on from his ex to other girls and other situations in general. How the fuck would you guys feel if your own g/f knew more about your best friend than you did?

The thing is I'm going to college about 45 minutes away from my hometown where my g/f and bro live. So to me it seems they talk more than I do to either of them. I usually see them both on the weekends.

Sorry for the long story but I'm starting to get pissed. Do I have a right to be? Or am I just being insecure? And do you guys see any justification in what they're doing?

THanks for any responses. I dont know what to think.

 

[massmaker56]

Bro if you and your girl are as serious as you say im sure she feels the same way about you as you do to her. Whichh means she would never dis-respect you and fuck u over by cheating

 

[jay_dub]

Bro if you and your girl are as serious as you say im sure she feels the same way about you as you do to her. Whichh means she would never dis-respect you and fuck u over by cheating

I'm not worried about her cheating, it just bothers me to an extent. Maybe I dont trust her 100%? I've had trust issues that I may not be completely over yet..

 

[sickboy]

I think you're about to be replaced boss, lol If they're going to hook up, nothing you can really do to prevent it. Your buddy seems more shady about things than your girl, IMO

 

[-OC-]

My opinion

It’s definitely not appropriate behavior on both ends. I had the SAME situation but I was the guy that spoke to my friends GF after I broke up with my ex, but that consisted of about a dozen talks, half of them in his company. Anything more than that I would worry about respect and "perception" of my friend. I'd have a serious sit down with your girl, and tell her how you feel, LISTEN to what she has to say, if ANYTHING sounds illogical or fishy or get further disrespect for your feelings you'll know if you’re headed to Jerry Springerville. And if you do get "replaced" THANK GOD it happend BEFORE you got married, had kids, owned joint property, etc, etc. And consider your friend to have done you a huge favor.

 

[jay_dub]

I think you're about to be replaced boss, lol If they're going to hook up, nothing you can really do to prevent it. Your buddy seems more shady about things than your girl, IMO

I can already tell this might head in the wrong direction. Neither one would do that but thats not so much the point. I'm just asking if this would bother most of you and if I should put a stop to it. Maybe my boy just needs extra help in gettin over her, and maybe I shouldnt be so selfish? I dunno how I should feel.

 

[-OC-]

Well

Ummm, don't feel bad for feeling what you feel, that's your right bud. Like I said two people are disrespecting you here, but don't go overboard, have a talk with your gal about the way you feel. I mean you want to get married right? Gonna need good communication for that investment to work.

 

[moe4me]

Your girl and your boy are currently in the process of stepping into something neither of them wanted from the start but if they continue, will eventually happen. There is nothing more attractive to a man than a woman thats beautiful AND nurturing. He turns to her for comfort and finds in her a special caring individual that he now wishes he could be with. She, wanting to help, may now see him as a "safe" guy friend that she may feel cool to hang out with alone one night. Its those "safe" ones you have to worry about. My friends are mine, they only need to talk to wife if it pertains to me. Thats an unspoken boundary that when crossed, damages relationships. What you are feeling is not insecurity, its a completely normal reaction to a situation you see can get out of hand at any moment. I am the "take it or leave it" type. I see something going on and I'll let it go to see how far she will take it. Ive usually been pleasantly surprised. I would play it cool and say something to her in passing like "sweetheart, please be careful, he just broke up with so and so and I dont want him seeing anything in you. Youre naturally caring and beautiful. I trust you but he is human and he's my boy...just be careful". Dont argue, dont "have a talk", dont let it seem like a big deal to you. Say that in passing, like if youre walking out the door and she's on IM with him. This way its non confrontational, it gets your point across and you dont come off like a jealous controlling boyfriend. After this, just sit back and observe what she does. If it continues at the same level, then she totally dismissed your concern but if you notice her changing towards your boy, then you got a winner. Just my two cents.

Moe

 

[JohnnyPro]

Well, I don't know if I could handle that. If that happened to me, I would probably tell my girlfriend to stop talking to him. Let him find some other girl to pour his heart out to, but not my girlfriend. I guess I'm insecure and jealous too. I mean, why let her keep it going and perhaps develop feelings for the guy? You never know with women, and I wouldn't take a chance, but that's just me.

 

[engbulldog]

Yeah bro I would be pissed but the same thing happend to me about 6 yrs. ago but my buddy would come over 5 mins after i left for work and stay for 2-3 hrs "just talking" but the ex was giving me the whole bs story that she didnt like him there and all that shit , so a few weeks pasted and me and my boy were out and I told him if he wanted to talk to US he could but it wouldn't be a good idea to stop over after i leave for work!!! He got the point and 2 mths later I dumped the B@#ch !!!! but thats just me and I get pissed at every thing but I'm working on it LOL

 

[moe4me]

The whole point of the exercise is to know whether or not this chick loves me enough to respect my feelings and woman dont respond well to "talks". We will usually come off as lecturing when we do that. They do ponder mainly about "something he said". If I have to tell my girl to stop this or that then I have to wonder what value our relationship really has for her...and this is something you want to find out before you marry. I try never to see future till its tested.

 

[jesse7159]

It’s definitely not appropriate behavior on both ends. I had the SAME situation but I was the guy that spoke to my friends GF after I broke up with my ex, but that consisted of about a dozen talks, half of them in his company. Anything more than that I would worry about respect and "perception" of my friend. I'd have a serious sit down with your girl, and tell her how you feel, LISTEN to what she has to say, if ANYTHING sounds illogical or fishy or get further disrespect for your feelings you'll know if you’re headed to Jerry Springerville. And if you do get "replaced" THANK GOD it happend BEFORE you got married, had kids, owned joint property, etc, etc. And consider your friend to have done you a huge favor.

bump

 

[Nat]

Hey bro trust is the key!

I would trust my wife to talk to anybody for days if she wanted to.
I trust her 100%. But the other guy may have some other ideas.
If he is your best friend you should know what he is about.
If he is a player or something and is known for scamming on other peoples girls I might just waste him. Your best friend should respect you period. If not I would definitely go get my respect. That is if he is really trying to move in on your girl. If my best friend did that it would be lights out. He should have known me alot better than that to try to pull some crapp like that.

Plus your girl might just love you and think that helping someone you care about would make you happy. But if you feel something is not right it usually isnt. Trust your girl or say goodbye. The head games are not worth it.

 

[michelin]

Raise the issue with your girl and let her know its doing your head in. If shes the one, she'll be gutted that shes upset you.
Raise the issue with your mate and let him know he's overstepping the mark. If hes a good friend he'll find another shoulder to cry on.

Youve got to tell them bro. Its affecting you and you have every right to be understood.

Ask them how they would feel in your shoes. That normally does it.

Hope it all works out the best for you in the long run.

 

[JK_5]

Your girl and your boy are currently in the process of stepping into something neither of them wanted from the start but if they continue, will eventually happen. There is nothing more attractive to a man than a woman thats beautiful AND nurturing. He turns to her for comfort and finds in her a special caring individual that he now wishes he could be with. She, wanting to help, may now see him as a "safe" guy friend that she may feel cool to hang out with alone one night. Its those "safe" ones you have to worry about. My friends are mine, they only need to talk to wife if it pertains to me. Thats an unspoken boundary that when crossed, damages relationships. What you are feeling is not insecurity, its a completely normal reaction to a situation you see can get out of hand at any moment. I am the "take it or leave it" type. I see something going on and I'll let it go to see how far she will take it. Ive usually been pleasantly surprised. I would play it cool and say something to her in passing like "sweetheart, please be careful, he just broke up with so and so and I dont want him seeing anything in you. Youre naturally caring and beautiful. I trust you but he is human and he's my boy...just be careful". Dont argue, dont "have a talk", dont let it seem like a big deal to you. Say that in passing, like if youre walking out the door and she's on IM with him. This way its non confrontational, it gets your point across and you dont come off like a jealous controlling boyfriend. After this, just sit back and observe what she does. If it continues at the same level, then she totally dismissed your concern but if you notice her changing towards your boy, then you got a winner. Just my two cents.

Moe

I agree completely. You can't force people to act the way you want them to. The key is not telling your girl she can't see your boy and vice versa. Just let your girl know in passing that you're slightly concerned "about her" and the situation. Be warned though, only you know these people and the exact situation and you have to evaluate it with your best judgement. The time to really start to worry is if you catch either of them in a lie. 45 minutes isn't that far away, but it's far enough away to where you probably won't be seeing your girl as often as you'd like. This can cause major problems, because women NEED to be shown affection constantly. Believe me bro, I've learned that fact over and over again. If you start lagging in that department, and you don't spend enough time with her, she WILL turn on you, if given the opportunity. She may not go looking for someone else, but if your buddy is around, and spending time with her because you aren't, then dude, you've got a problem. Anyway, good luck with that bro.

 

[wrought]

Anyway, my very serious girlfriend of 1 year, who I love will all my heart and WILL marry one day
(SNIP)
The thing is I'm going to college about 45 minutes away from my hometown where my g/f and bro live. So to me it seems they talk more than I do to either of them. I usually see them both on the weekends.

THanks for any responses. I dont know what to think.

...sounds like you might be a wee bit more serious about the relationship than she is. At your age you can hope for the best but don't be surprised to find out that they've been hooking up while you're away a school.

Either way, that sort of stuff is inappropriate, I sure as hell wouldn't tolerate it from a gf and I wouldn't put myself in the position of spending that much time with somebody elses girl.

 

[Pekkerwood]

This can be one of the hardest things to deal with. Where is the line between paranoia and legit concern? I can tell you there is no upside for you in this situation, unfortunately.

People are going to do what they want to do. You cannot stop it. My life is vastly improved the last ten years or so when I have come to terms about not worrying about things I cannot change. If you live your life in fear and distrust about things that "might" happen you are regulating yourself to many anxious moments that might never have a basis in reality. It is similar to the saying " A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man, only one". To fear the unknown is to take the downside of bad things happen, the majority of which never will.

I have learned that the best position is to truly take a "I do care, but I'm not gonna worry, attitude". When I buy a car, I do not wait until I have to have one. I can shop for the best deal with no pressure. I keep my old car for a few months to make sure I like the new one and take my time selling it. In business deals the most powerful negotiating tool you have is the ability and wisdom to walk away. Years ago, when I was trading futures contracts in a hedgefund, I would often sit staring at 8 monitors all day without executing a trade. It makes you feel like all you preparation and attentiveness is going to waste, and sure enough right about two o'clock in the afternoon when other folks are back from lunch who are in the same boat as you, you can see trades happen that probably shouldn't. People want action. You have to realize that sometimes the best deal you make in a day is the one you do not make.

In closing, if its gonna happen, it will regardless of your input. You can only hasten it. Maintain control. If it does it will reveal important knowledge you need to have about both of them.

Good luck,


Pekkerwood

 

[lucian]

not sure how well you know your boy but......its not her i wouldnt trust...i wouldnt trust him. there a reason his girl left. and he should definitly be comming to YOU for comfort. one of my buddies girls came by to check on me and even called once to see if i was ok when me and lilkoreangirl split. it was cuz my buddy told her to. i never went to her, and never called her out of respect for him. its disrespectful on your friends part cuz he is building a relationship with your girl and she probably doesnt even know it. next thing you know yo and yor girl have a fight and she goes to him for consoling and then shit happens. be aware......your not jelous but you see whats happening. mention it to her but dont push if he doesnt see it. cuz then she will think you are a jelous controling asshole and you will loose her. but just mke her aware and ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed. then let her think and back off. i would confront your buddy in a playful way and let him know you know whats going on. do you think he would go after your girl? from what you say about her she is a great catch and he may want that for himself. you will only have a few real friends in your whole life who you can trust your life and woman with....he may not be one of them.
god bless
lucian

 

[GeeNo]

Well, let me tell you one thing. Any girl that I have had extensive and in depth conversations with, I eventually grew an attraction for. Whether or not it was intentional. So in my opinion, you have a legitimate right to be concerned. Personally, I would confront my 'friend' about it, but I know exactly where that would lead. He goes home and tells your girlfriend that you scolded him for 'talking to her', and she gets mad at you, and they both turn to eachother for support. So maybe talking to her about it first would be the best idea...

 

[jay_dub]

All the responses are awesome. You guys are making some great points here, and reasuring what I was originally thinking. I'll definitely be brininging up this stuff to my girlfriend. I'm positive she'll understand, I just didnt want to sound like some overprotective boyfriend cuz I cant stand that type of shit.