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Relationship Advice needed please - Should i try and make it work?

superbigd

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Hey guys,
I've been a longtime lurker on the board and currently in a rut right now need some logic talked into me.

I have been with this girl for over a year now and we just broke up because she found me on a dating website. But let me give you the story - im 30 and shes 22.

We met at my old place of work, when i was previously dating someone for 3 years. I fell in love with her working with her and as soon as i was promoted and moved locations we started dating. She has a two year old daughter.

I love the way i feel with her and we have the best absolute best sex that ive ever had in my life. I also feel the most connected with her that ive ever felt in my life.

Here is where i have had my frustrations:
She comes from a family that has no ambition - her mom and grandma live together in the same house. Her mom is 40 and collects welfare and so does her grandma. They eat unhealthy, never exercise and never do anything to develop themselves or to learn or to grow

I have had to teach her since dating her how to clean, how to do dishes, and just basic hygiene things. For example when we first started dating she lived with her mom and grandma, and she didnt have a key to her house. I confronted her then her mom and what i got was a bunch of lies - like "we are moving out soon". They lived there for over a year if not longer so i told her why the hell dont you go to ace hardware and get a copy of a key made for your daughter for 2 dollars. I once went over to her house and she bathroom was disgusting, toilet clogged and mess around the toilet for 3 days. I ask her why she hasnt cleaned it up - she states shes waiting for the plumber. I Tell her the plumber isnt gonna clean that mold around the toilet, they will fix the clog but you have to clean up after yourself.

Last Thanksgiving i had her over to my parents, where we have all family and friends join and eat a ton (as im sure you all do). After we all eat we always sit around and have intellectual conversation about world politics/events and societal changes. Well she winded up falling asleep at the dinner table while we were all talking/listening. Now wine could have played an issue but still this was a big deal to me because ive tried to have deep conversations with her and she gets distracted or just cant listen. Or for example ill put on a movie thats somewhat educational (I.E. The big Short) and she will get bored and start playing on her phone.

Ive also taken care of her twice when shes gotten way drunk with her friends and shes winded up pissing in my bed. Which frankly not only disgusts me but scares me because she has a daughter and i love her.

Now here is the struggle, i did sign up for a dating site but that was pretty much the extent of it. I am so torn right now becuase we havent talked since monday and i love this girl more than any girl. The feeling i get when i hold her is amazing and the sex that we have is mind blowing. I literally feel like she is a part of me and thats why im so torn over all of this. I am so confused and dont know what the right thing to do is.

I left my ex for her, and my ex had her own house, her own car and we always did a ton of fun vacations and saved up for the future and i sometimes look back and regret the decision i made, but i love this girl.

I just struggle with how she will fit into my family, the fact that my parents are completely opposite of her parents (my parents are in their 70s and work every day even though they are retired, whether its reading books, playing golf or working on self development). I also get irritated because my girlfriends mom and grandma feed her fast food all day and unhealthy stuff so when she comes over to my house and i cook her and her daughter food she will just say no i want bread, or eww thats disgusting - mind you my cooking is nowhere near as clean as the majority of yours (im italian lol). And i dont want my kid being raised that way i want my kid to grow up eating somewhat healthy.

I had friends and family over at my parents on Saturday and my mom asks her to take some tomatoes, olives, and pico out of the fridge and to put them into dipping trays for chips, and then to put them back. Well she winds up putting them back in the freezer.... meanwhile my mom was up til 1am cleaning and looking for them.

Should i try to make it work with her? How do i know if shes the one, if i love her more than ive loved any other girl but theres all of these obstacles. I look at her and feel like shes mine and feel like shes a part of me, a feelin ive never felt before and thats why im so confused.
 
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little slice

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so she's a lazy, sloppy, unambitious single mother with terrible eating habits who got knocked up at 20 (NTTAWWT) who lives with her equally sloppy and unhygienic mother and grandmother...



..who pissed in your bed. twice.



but you have great sex.


you do realize that there's more to a relationship than sex...right?
 

ghiop123

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obviously, the girl seems unbearable according to your description. however, i won't just tell u how to choose for u need to decide by yourself.
but u love her no matter her face, body or something else, u actually felt something special from her.
if u love her more than any girl, just accept who she is anddon't compare with ur ex, everyone is special. here is one point should be cleared, u love her and date her but not her eating habit and families, ur unpleasant with that and u2 should have a talk to handle it. if a girl love u, she will change, and that's what i learn from my girl. but if u do really feel unhappy with her,considering the pissing things and the other things , forget her and find a new girl.
a relationship needs love but not only love, u still need to think more about whether u 2 match like having the shared topics, having the similar values.
by the way, it's not only her problems, but also your ones. anyway, good luck man!
 
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pupeye

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She sounds disgusting.

No couple should have to MAKE a relationship work. It should just work on its own.

Her mom is 40, so I assume that you are fairly young. If you live to be 100 this will only have been 1% of your life. You won't even remember this girl.

Edit: i see your 30 shes 22, that's a big difference. Shes still young.
 
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ALLEX

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There's a counseling section.

So, In Before Being Moved.
 

Capin

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Let her go bro, ur going be miserable as long as your with her.
 

maldorf

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so she's a lazy, sloppy, unambitious single mother with terrible eating habits who got knocked up at 20 (NTTAWWT) who lives with her equally sloppy and unhygienic mother and grandmother...



..who pissed in your bed. twice.



but you have great sex.


you do realize that there's more to a relationship than sex...right?
What I am thinking too. It sounds like the sex is the biggest reason you "love" her, not the only reason but its a major one. It also seems that you might love her because you like taking care of her and helping her out. I know it makes me feel good to help others, why I taught high school, and helping a girl friend makes me feel good too. When I was dating my ex wife I think I had some of that going on with me. My ex was overweight and I helped her lose weight and paid off her $8000 credit card bill all at once that she had dragging around for several years. I was trying to change her.

You cant really change who she is. You have to love her the way she is and it really sounds like you two don't have much in common except for the sex. I would look at this split up now as a blessing and just let things go. Move on and find someone new. Youre still really young and it will be fairly easy to meet someone more your age. You need someone that comes from your background and with whom you share common interest. I also wonder why you opened up an account on that site to begin with. I think that you realize things aren't good for long term and that it will never last.
 

maldorf

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No couple should have to MAKE a relationship work. It should just work on its own.
.
Especially this early on in a relationship. Early on is still the "honeymoon period" and things usually don't get any better than that. If a person is unhappy early on its only going to get worse later on. Early on everything should be rainbows and unicorns!
 

ALLEX

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Find some marriage material and keep her around just for the sex.

:headbang::headbang:;);)
 

maldorf

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Find some marriage material and keep her around just for the sex.

:headbang::headbang:;);)
:naughty::naughty::naughty:

I know youre just kidding around, but she does have a kid too. Don't want to hurt the child.
 

tenny

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the only thing you said nice about her was SEX....


you are a complete moron. and you DO NOT "LOVE" this girl.


:cool:
 

superbigd

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so she's a lazy, sloppy, unambitious single mother with terrible eating habits who got knocked up at 20 (NTTAWWT) who lives with her equally sloppy and unhygienic mother and grandmother...



..who pissed in your bed. twice.



but you have great sex.


you do realize that there's more to a relationship than sex...right?
She has since moved out of her moms and now has her own apartment.

To Tenny - Thanks for your opinion, i assure you I'm not. It's easy to be the doctor when its not yourself or your emotions involved. The rudeness was unnecessary brother.

When i think about it logically i see what you guys are saying. Its the same thing that every single one of my friends and their wives, and my parents, and their friends have said. I just cant see it for myself and i don't know why. I come from a upbringing where my grandpa (who is no longer alive) had to work 3 jobs to support his family and that is part of why my parents( moms family included) have incredible work ethic and now are very very well off as well as our family friends.

But yes she is a gorgeous girl that is so damn sexy and turns me on beyond belief. But also when i hold her and kiss her and look in her eyes i see a part of me. I dont know if ive ever felt this way about a girl, yet so conflicted because of her upbringing and her family values and morals. Theres a ton of stuff here that i havent even included but like for example:

Someone is always sick at her moms house, and its rubbed off on her and her daughter. She will like reach down or like over extend or hurt herself accidently and start talking about how she pulled a muscle. Or her daughter will say mommy im sick even when shes not. And i dont want my kids growing up around that shit. She's aware now of how her mom and grandma are but she winds up making excuses for her mom. Saying her mom is on disability and has a medical problem. Im like BS then why is she working at a bar at night time then?

Why is her older sister a fricken drug addict? Thats her moms fault
She once divulged to me while crying that her mom was raped by her dad - which i think is a total fking lie.
The fact is the thought of her mom and grandma and the way they live disgust me becuase it is completely opposite of what i want in my life and what i have worked towards. And ive explained that to her and she tells me shes trying to work on it and trying to better herself and shes going to sign up for school again in the fall.
But since ive known here shes never read a book, or ill send her an interesting article and she will barely read it. Shes only worked out maybe five times in the year ive known her - i just know that if she doesnt stay in shape shes going to lose it in 10 years. My mom at 70 looks better than hers at 40 if that says anything

but yet at the end of all of this i do love this girl and there is something special about her and how she makes me feel. I do appreciate all of your comments (even the negative ones) as this is all helping me. I have been in many long term relationships so its not like its a first time love thing for me, i just have a special affinity for her.
 
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maldorf

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When you marry a person you marry their family too. If you plan on making this long term then I would assume marriage would be in the works sometime in the future.

The two of you just don't have enough in common to make anything long term work IMO. The trouble has already begun and it is early on. Let her go. Go out with some single friends and meet new girls. Date around again and eventually you will meet someone better suited for you. It really seems like you are trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole here.
 

moe4me

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I have to answer this one lol

Bro!!! You seem like a man in-tune with his emotions but let me be clear about what you may be experiencing. Love yes but love carries with it a multifaceted pull and the one I see you may be experiencing is the "Knight in Shining Armor" syndrome. Your need to "save her" and "help her" is keeping you in a state of "care". My sister used to call me "Captain Save-A-Hoe" because I would always fall heavy for women that had serious issues. It's an easy mistake to conflate your need to save her with your love for her...especially if you are already a parent.

The one thing you do NOT need is another child to raise on top of the two she already has. Your incompatibilities are obvious only to you so before she can even attempt to change or grow, you have to try to convince her of the need to. It's like giving a blind man a map and sending him on his way lol I humbly suggest that you take this time that she is upset with you as an opportunity to reason your way out of what could potentially be a lifelong headache. Love aside, you have to live with all she brings. It ain't easy letting go of someone you love but if the relationship is not healthy, you only do more harm than good staying together. Just my two cents my friend...good luck
 

tenny

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the rudeness is you putting her on blast.

you got caught, and your butt hurt. and your sorry.

so you are airing her dirty laundry out.

she is better than you.

you are a douche nozzle that needs to grow a ball sack.

no one is perfect, INCLUDING YOU....especially YOU....!!!



i wonder what the fuck shes saying about you right now...???


:cool:
 

little slice

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I get the feeling OP is just fishing to find one person to agree with him, and he'll go with that.. Lol


OP, you say she is gorgeous, but I can just about guarantee you, based on what you've written about her, that her looks will go straight to shit once she locks you down.
 

maldorf

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I get the feeling OP is just fishing to find one person to agree with him, and he'll go with that.. Lol


OP, you say she is gorgeous, but I can just about guarantee you, based on what you've written about her, that her looks will go straight to shit once she locks you down.
One thing that I have learned is to take a look at what her mother looks like now and that is about how she will look when she is that age.
 

maldorf

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I have to answer this one lol

Bro!!! You seem like a man in-tune with his emotions but let me be clear about what you may be experiencing. Love yes but love carries with it a multifaceted pull and the one I see you may be experiencing is the "Knight in Shining Armor" syndrome. Your need to "save her" and "help her" is keeping you in a state of "care". My sister used to call me "Captain Save-A-Hoe" because I would always fall heavy for women that had serious issues. It's an easy mistake to conflate your need to save her with your love for her...especially if you are already a parent.

The one thing you do NOT need is another child to raise on top of the two she already has. Your incompatibilities are obvious only to you so before she can even attempt to change or grow, you have to try to convince her of the need to. It's like giving a blind man a map and sending him on his way lol I humbly suggest that you take this time that she is upset with you as an opportunity to reason your way out of what could potentially be a lifelong headache. Love aside, you have to live with all she brings. It ain't easy letting go of someone you love but if the relationship is not healthy, you only do more harm than good staying together. Just my two cents my friend...good luck
That is the factor that I posted about earlier here. I think if you took away the sex then the relationship would be more like father-daughter with the father trying to help his daughter expand her knowledge and better herself. Its not the age difference really, but that does not help either.
 

superbigd

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I get the feeling OP is just fishing to find one person to agree with him, and he'll go with that.. Lol


OP, you say she is gorgeous, but I can just about guarantee you, based on what you've written about her, that her looks will go straight to shit once she locks you down.

I am honestly confused as well as hurt by the whole process. I am big enough to know what i did was wrong, and thats not the person i was raised to be. I dont need someone else to tell me thats wrong when i know it is. I am simply asking for help and opinions - thats all. To all the people that have positively contributed to this thread, i really appreciate it and value your opinion. You might think that this a joke but i really am in a place of struggle right now trying to find whats right for me. My internal compass is messed up and simply wanted to come to a place that has treated me right for years, for a solid unobjective opinion. Maybe its insecurity? I don't know
I was trying to see her change and trying to believe her when she states that she doesnt want to be like her mom and wants to be a good mom for her daughter but then things would happen that would suggest otherwise every once in a while. I just dont know if she can permanently change. And i have told her i want someone in a relationship who is going to challenge me, help me grow, who is going to bring out the best in me. And that i didnt want to be someones father in a relationship and she understood. I just felt so comfortable with her. As you know its hard to be logical in times of high emotion.
 
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