Relationship Struggles...

boss · Feb 27, 2011

Well my personal situation has become a true challenge and I've opted to face things head on instead of choosing the easy way out this time around...

So this past week I manned up and expressed how I felt to my wife about our relationship. We've been married for almost 3 years and together for nearly 6. Basically we've been living a life as roommates/parents and nothing near what I would consider husband/wife. I basically expressed that I needed us to have a relationship and that just living together and raising a child wasn't sufficient. I personally am a needy person in emotional and physical forms, my wife however is complete opposite. We've been through a lot together but again it's more as friends than significant others...

I personally am an alcoholic and addict in many shape/forms...I have now pulled together a few years of sobriety and through this i have become a person that I have not been in over 10 ears. Also through this it has become apparent that my wife and I have no relationship other than raising a child. Physically we have sex maybe an average of 1 x per 6 weeks sometimes twice per month sometimes not for 2 months...she seems to have no physical needs in any form or fashion. We don't kiss, hug or anything of that nature and haven't for a long time. We don't talk much if it doesn't revolve around our child or something that needs to be done regarding the "household" area.

In the past when I was drinking/using we had highs and lows but now after sobriety and putting life backtogether there is no high points or the severe lows just nothingness. I have been in therapy for over a year and have truly come to realize that she and i have major issues or simply got married for the wrong reasons. I got married after doing a lot of stuff to get in trouble, she was pregnant and i continued my bad ways and all of the decisions made I am now dealing with...the daily struggles and frustrations have become a real challenge for me. On top of everything else I am now more motivated professionally and personally than in 10 years where as my wife has become extremely lazy. She's gained weight, doesn't like to do anything around the house...is a great mother and great person but bottom line is there is nothing there outside of parental sharing. Granted I've done a lot of damage over the years and maybe with marriage counseling and expressing what I feel needs to change and her as well things can improve but honestly I am not in love but do love her dearly...

Well I guess I just needed to share as since moving to this state I don't have to many people I talk to and/or trust so I come to where I've been expressing myself on rare occassions for over 8 years.

If anyone else can relate I welcome you to chime in with advice. BTW I've tried being romantic- weekend getaways, spa days, buying her nice things, cooking dinners...all of that...but essentially it resulted in just doing those things with no response...we are here where her family resides and I honestly feel that her family in her life is enough for her and she needs nothing else aside from our daughter.

Be well my brothers and sisters.

triathloncoach · Feb 27, 2011

Respect to you

You sound like you have given this a lot of thought. You are putting the blame where it is due for your past behavior (on you) and you have recognized who you are now. Now you have to decide want you need, vs what you want. Then you have to do what needs to be done for the best interests of you and your daughter. Your wife has to make her own decisons as to if she can or is even willing to be the partner that you need. Then you either live in your current situation, or make changes. And making those chnage MAY be best for you in the long run, but in the short run there is going to be a lot of sufferring.

You really seem to have a clear picture in your mind of your current situation. How much pain are you willing to bear to make those changes? And be careful you dont fall back into any bad habits as a result in any change in your situation. The rock and the hard place.
I'm cheering for you.

PS - I love that mastiff!

ericraven2003 · Feb 27, 2011

I damaged my relaionship for 6 years before changing. My wife and I hadn't had sex for a year. It took about 8 months before we started having sex regurlary. A year before we were doing good. Now we have sex twice a week, and she loves me again. It took alot of changes and trying for her to get her back. I was lucky she did.

YOU have to remember this. You fucked up.Its sounds like you are almost blaming her. I gurantee she isnt having sex often with you because she is indiferent to you.

You have to face the fact she might never get over it and care again. If thats the case, then you end it. You have to have a time frame to make it work. I gave it a year. I told myself at the end of a year it would be working again or I would move on. FYI. I have 2 kids.

If you were an addict during your relationship, then I would expect you were 90% of the problem. I was a workacholic and obsessed with making money.

I wish you the best.

klowndog · Feb 27, 2011

What is your definition of a good husband? A good wife?

It sounds like you are both doing your part as far as the general mechanics of a marriage go, except for sex. You said your wife is great mother/friend.

It sounds like you are just in need of excitement in the bedroom, you want butterflies in your stomach, passion, like you were the first month you were together, like the feeling of getting some strange on a one night stand or something. Well the only way to get that excitement back is to start anew, but realize that when you find a new one, after a few months, matbe a year, maybe two, the lust will wear off once again and you will be back in the same boat.

Sex is not a concern in my marriage. Lust comes and goes. If my wife and I aren't goin at it, my hand can give me the best sexual satisfaction possible, but it cant love me and tell me everything is going to be okay (well I guess it could if I put some lipstick on it, like in the taco bueno commercials) lol, but for me, I need my wife for life and love and not sex.

I think you just are feeling restless, and I think you should be patient because love is like everything else in this world, it comes and goes, and comes and goes.

Remember this:
The grass is always greenest on the side of the fence that gets mowed regularly, fertilized, watered, plenty of sunshine, and the less it gets walked on the better.

Hang in there and it will get better.

Goody · Mar 5, 2011

Your story is similar to mine..minus the addictions part...I have a thread on this forum titled "dealing with an obese wife" check it out..
The talk you had with her is a good step..I had that talk with my wife probaly 8 times over 2 years or so, wrote her letters, went to counseling..all that...she didnt get it. I finally had it and I moved out on NYE this year..I was gone for maybe 3 weeks, but always over for the kids (we have 2) and I would have dinner with the family and all..I can tell you I got absolutly nowhere with her till I actually moved out...then she finally woke up and is putting forth some effort now at least. Its not perfect by any means but she is trying..still not sure if she will be able to give me what I need again...but were trying..were dating each other again and its a start..if it doesnt work at least I can take some solace in knowing I really, really tried...good luck bro..feel free to PM me if ya like.

brutale · Mar 6, 2011

Bro, you seem to really have your head together - facing things, taking ownership of addiction issues, etc. It seems pretty clear that you need to move on to a more fulfilling relationship.

I need to sort my life out too. In my case, the pros and cons seem more evenly balanced, and I feel sort of "stuck". She's a really great person, good sense of humor, gives me good back rubs, etc. On the other hand, the "romantic spark" isn't there and hasn't been there for years. Lousy romantic chemistry even though I have few "objective" complaints. I know in my heart I could be happier, and at times I get pissed at myself for settling.

Don't want to hijack your thread. My point is that your description makes the picture clear enough. Don't settle. You have great things ahead!

scott123456789 · Jun 7, 2011

I am in a similar situation. I think Stress in life can cause problems. One thing I know is is takes two to make a mariage work. The simple solution by experts that makes sense is that each spouse put the needs of the other above their own and it will happen. In my case my wife slowly lost respect for me and shows it in front of the kids. She is an enabler . I now treat her the same and am kind to the kids. This lets her see how I feel. I expect to be divorced in the next year and will date but not get married as I am done raiseing kids ( 49 years old).

Steve

thebrick · Jun 11, 2011

You told her how you feel about your relationship. What was her response?

GymDudeVA · Jun 20, 2011

It sounds like your relationship was based on the highs and lows, and now that they are gone, there is nothing underneath. She married you when you were one type of person....now, even though you are a much better person, you have changed, and you are not the person she bargained for. As strange as it may sound, she wanted the fuck-up guy, not the clean, responsible one. I think you need to find someone who appreciates you as you are now.

boss · Jun 25, 2011

6 months later...

First off Thanks to everyone for the responses. I've been laying low and not been on PM a ton in the recent months focused on me, the relationship and my professional life has presented it's own set of struggles. You try not to let personal/professional crossover but when you are in the midst of an unhappy situation it often spills over into work or personally and self admittedly i have used work as an escape throughout the recent months. I really liked everyone's views and genuinely appreciate you taking the time to give feedback.

It's been another 4 months down the path and things have not improved...to be honest i have found it quite hard due to all of the things that have happened and the numbness of my emotional state. I finally just took a professional approach and laid it on the table a few weeks ago just like I would if it were working with a business partner in a straightforward approach. I stated the facts of how i felt not criticizing her in the least just that it would take us both to fix this and my feeling are that after we have now done counseling with no result or change that I cannot continue in this manner. I personally feel that the only way to even come close to truly working through this is by separation. I have no interest in establishing something with someone else, I have spent over 5 years in this relationship. I don't want to nor am I ready to "give up" but I feel that the end is near if things cannot change. I will keep you abreast but again thank you for the feedback. It's all very enlightening to say the least...

PS - Triathaloncoach thanks for the compliment on my Mastiff unfortunately he had to be put to rest last summer due to a rare disease.

Be well.

Boss

triathloncoach · Jun 25, 2011

Boss, you be well. No easy road for you. The best you can due is to try and minimize the destructive drama as your marriage figures itself out.

I have 3 dogs, i have had multiple dogs since i was a kid. Im 47. They are faimily members. A few years ago i coached a woman who bred mastiffs. I used to bring my kids over to her house. She had about 6 of them. I believe the largest was 235lbs?? And at the time i had a 120lb rotty. So i know what 230 looks like. Crazy big. Very sweet. My neighbor has a 10 year old male mastiff. 170lbs.

Messiah Mastiffs

I dont even know if she still breeds them.

garcia · Jun 26, 2011

Wow. My situation is almost EXACTLY similar to yours, except we are not married and no kids. We own a house together and have been together for 8 yrs. I have been clean for 3 of them.

Just started counciling last week. We are going to start individual therapy next week.

I am to blame for alot, but life is too short to be miserable. I"m giving it 6 months and if things don't change, I'm out.