Sexless Relationship

[jrs]

I have to state that my girl is the best I've had, and I've had many. Many.

We met and found out that we were exactly alike. Nobody fits me better. Her dad was a gym rat for many years and I fit right in with their family (and trust me, it's very hard for me to fit in anywhere). We both had pit bull pups around the same age when we met (which is unusual for two people in their early 20s here as it is). She loves going to the gym with me and shares all of my same interests (poker, mma, cars, etc). We were even members on the same small forums without knowing.

She loves me to death. She (against my wishes) cooks, cleans, does my laundry, lays everything out for me, etc. We have a very similar sense of humor and in general things are better than I could ever imagine. I know for a fact she would do absolutely anything and everything she could for me.

At first, we basically lived in the bedroom. Sex 3-6+ times a day for the first couple weeks was not uncommon. Gradually, this has slowed to almost nothing. Once a week, if that currently. She has blatantly told me that it's boring and she's not excited about it at all anymore, and that she's had dreams of getting with other girls (she has dated girls in the past).

Now sex isn't everything, not by any means. But it is important in my opinion. She told me that in every relationship she simply loses interest. Not to sound arrogant, but I know it's not me. Simply put, I've had many exes from years ago constantly try for the occasional hookup even to this day.

Today she told me (while stressed out of course) that she'd be okay with me sleeping with others as long as she never knew and so long as I still loved her and that I was truly the most important thing to her.

I've never cheated. I'd rather be with her. She is more gorgeous and with a better body than 99% of everybody. She is the top 1 percentile. But after going without for so long, and for her to tell me it's boring and nothing I do or introduce helps, I have to admit it's tempting. I simply don't know what to do at this point. We've done it all sexually and have varied many things and changed environments, been spontaneous, and broke the routine many times.

Any advice?

 

[Designbuilt]

I hear you

It's a tough situation. I'm in a very similar situation. My wife and I have been married for 8 1/2 years, we dated for a year and a half before that so we've been together for about 10 years total. Same deal with us, we had sex 5 times a day sometimes, stayed up all night even work nights.

We worked together. (for different companies but same type of work) went to the gym together, hung out, etc. etc. When we became drunks we were both drunks together. Now that we had our first child together, the sex was nice at first, but now it seems that a lot has left the relationship.

Same situation here, I've always had exes come back for more, they would go to my apartment, have sex with me; then tell me, "well I'm leaving now, I got what I wanted from you, I'm done"

Our problems seem to do with her being married before, she used to tell me how mean her ex was, how she would dress up nice like in stockings, garters, etc, then he would say "Look at you, you look like a whore"

I brought that up a few times, and told her that for me she only wears ragedy pajamas and sweats.

I don't want to hi-jack and keep rambling on, making this about me, but I want to let you know that I know how you feel.

She gave me a good response. She told me that she does everying, the shopping, cleans the house, gave me and takes care of our son, etc, and she gets tired, she is correct. (she's usually in bed by 8:00PM)

The second thing is that eventhough, talking about sex, sometimes kills the excitement, being that I am best friends with my wife and you seem to be with your gf, you CAN talk about these things.

Maybe you should seek counseling, it's obvious that she does care about your needs and concerns, hell she even offered to allow you an open relationship.

It could just be boredom, it could be something else that a professional can uncover. When my wife and I do talk about this the sex does improve for a while, but it's something that needs to be uncovered.

I'm not here to speculate that perhaps she enjoyed the relations with women more, but that may very well be the case, that could be why she said it was ok for you to see other women. But again you should see a professional or talk to her about it calmly because she is a friend. Good luck.

 

[tomuchgear]

this is a odd responce but have you ever tried talking during sex? my wife and i have done this before. every once in a while you have those nights were you both want to but are tired. so you are really not to into it. well start talking. usualy during a sexual encounter both people are more relaxed. things are easier to talk about in that situation. yes the sex for that time is lame, and not really exciting. you can get alot of insight for the next time. usually works in my case good luck. also dont cheat if you really love her regardless of what she says dont cheat.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

I have to state that my girl is the best I've had, and I've had many. Many.

We met and found out that we were exactly alike. Nobody fits me better. Her dad was a gym rat for many years and I fit right in with their family (and trust me, it's very hard for me to fit in anywhere). We both had pit bull pups around the same age when we met (which is unusual for two people in their early 20s here as it is). She loves going to the gym with me and shares all of my same interests (poker, mma, cars, etc). We were even members on the same small forums without knowing.

She loves me to death. She (against my wishes) cooks, cleans, does my laundry, lays everything out for me, etc. We have a very similar sense of humor and in general things are better than I could ever imagine. I know for a fact she would do absolutely anything and everything she could for me.

At first, we basically lived in the bedroom. Sex 3-6+ times a day for the first couple weeks was not uncommon. Gradually, this has slowed to almost nothing. Once a week, if that currently. She has blatantly told me that it's boring and she's not excited about it at all anymore, and that she's had dreams of getting with other girls (she has dated girls in the past).

Now sex isn't everything, not by any means. But it is important in my opinion. She told me that in every relationship she simply loses interest. Not to sound arrogant, but I know it's not me. Simply put, I've had many exes from years ago constantly try for the occasional hookup even to this day.

Today she told me (while stressed out of course) that she'd be okay with me sleeping with others as long as she never knew and so long as I still loved her and that I was truly the most important thing to her.

I've never cheated. I'd rather be with her. She is more gorgeous and with a better body than 99% of everybody. She is the top 1 percentile. But after going without for so long, and for her to tell me it's boring and nothing I do or introduce helps, I have to admit it's tempting. I simply don't know what to do at this point. We've done it all sexually and have varied many things and changed environments, been spontaneous, and broke the routine many times.

Any advice?

How long have the two of you been together?

 

[cpesloco]

sounds like she is giving you that option so she can have it too.

 

[j8282]

Do not screw around probably a test. If you are good with the family, keep this one. How is she with your family? Dont bring sex up at all. I use to want it all the time but when I stopped wanting it my wife started to want it more and more. I asked why and she responded with you wanted it to much. When I did not want it at all she got scared that I was getting it from elsewhere.

 

[tomuchgear]

also what kind of birth control is she on? birth control has caused sexual problems with the wife and i as well. for what ever reason a couple of them made her sex drive extremely low. that maybe some thing to look into as well.

 

[Designbuilt]

BINGO!

Do not screw around probably a test. If you are good with the family, keep this one. How is she with your family? Dont bring sex up at all. I use to want it all the time but when I stopped wanting it my wife started to want it more and more. I asked why and she responded with you wanted it to much. When I did not want it at all she got scared that I was getting it from elsewhere.

I actually logged in to say this exactly! It's the same as when you're single the more desperate you seem the less like you are to get any action. I'm always affectinate towards my wife and grab her every time I pass by her. BUt when I lay off the touching, and stay away from her, and not bring up sex, she's all over me, can't keep her hands off after about the 4th day. Of course you may have to hollow-your-own-wiener once or twice a day in a while, but you have to do what you have to, right? Good luck.

 

[wrought]

Once a week, if that currently.

Any advice?

Yeah, if you think that sex once a week is "sexless" don't get married.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

She has blatantly told me that it's boring and she's not excited about it at all anymore, and that she's had dreams of getting with other girls (she has dated girls in the past)

that she'd be okay with me sleeping with others as long as she never knew and so long as I still loved her and that I was truly the most important thing to her

These are the only two sentences I saw when I read that whole post. I think they say a lot don't you? There's no way to answer this question with only the given information. You need to communicate better with her and find out what the real problem is here. Nobody can give you any answer or reason here.

One thing is really obvious, and this may sting a bit, is whatever you are doing is not working for her. this may be something you can fix yourself or it may be outside your control. I suspect that only she truly knows the answer to this. But maybe she doesn't either. Then nobody knows and you have to maybe find someone who can figure it out.

I highly doubt she's setting a trap for you with her offer. If she wanted you gone, your thread would have been titled, "My girlfriend left me". My complete outside guess is that she simply feels guilty for not being more sexual (and doesn't want to be) and wants you to be happy.

Like I said, you should talk with her much much more about this. And honestly, sex once a week is not a big deal. Plenty of happy couples get a lot less action. But boring, not exciting, go see other girls if you want... Now that's a pretty big deal isn't it?

 

[Jimbo]

Me and my wife kind or ran into something like this after out last baby. She kind of lost her figure and was really self-conscience about her body. After a couple of months of no sex and spending all my time re-assuring that she is beautiful and has nothing to worry about, happy to report everything is back to normal and then some. Im thinking of starting a thread
"Can you "PETER" fall off if you have to much sex"

 

[RONJON]

Dude that sounds alot like my situation...all the time at first..now hardly ever. Its like we are way closer and i donno now its happening less. Sweet girl but we aren't that much alike and i am not possitive it will last. I have heard that means theyre not the one for u???..but who knows

RONJON

 

[thebrick]

in general things are better than I could ever imagine.

So what's the big deal? Don't put so much pressure on your relationship about this. Relationships evolve. Perhaps things will be more frequent and spontaneous with her if you quit trying to be so frequent and spontaneous.

 

[jrs]

We've only been together about six months. I shudder when I think about what it would be like years from now.

She's not on birth control or anything else that could alter her libido. Just simply no sex drive. At all.

I know she's faithful. She doesn't have time to be messing around on me and I keep pretty damn good tabs on her once in a while to make sure. I have a pretty good gut feeling about that kind of thing and I know she's not messing around on me or considering it.

For the past couple weeks, I've done the whole not initiating it thing. I don't talk about sex, I don't touch her more than a few times a day (I've tried lots of touching with no sex also).

I don't want to care about anybody else or feel anything for anybody else, but as a younger male with very very high test levels (-very- high..) I have some needs. I've been controlling myself really well. I haven't cheated at this point because I really care about her. But is it cheating if she gives me permission and just wants me happy and i'm not getting it here anyway?

 

[Designbuilt]

I'll give it a shot (I almost feel as if Ouch is an instructor sitting back and waiting to see what everyone else says before giving the right advice)

It depends on how you see it. Some people can do that. You may get a thousand and one Moralists trying to impose their morality on you. But if you want to go the religous route. Jesus Christ believed that you should put yourself in other peoples shoes. If she doesn't find out of course it won't hurt her. But you obviously wouldn't like it since you "keep tabs on her"

But will it make you feel guilty? Does it hurt your feelings that she said that (I mean really deep down, it must hurt a little). Some people see a dating relationship as sacred, others only see marriage that way, yet others don't give a shit about either.

What Ouch said was good advice about the reason why (can only be answered by her) But wether or not you should follow through with her offer is really up to you. You can't really ask someone what they should do, it's all a part of your own morality and how you were brought up and conditioned.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

We've only been together about six months. I shudder when I think about what it would be like years from now.

She's not on birth control or anything else that could alter her libido. Just simply no sex drive. At all.

I know she's faithful. She doesn't have time to be messing around on me and I keep pretty damn good tabs on her once in a while to make sure. I have a pretty good gut feeling about that kind of thing and I know she's not messing around on me or considering it.

For the past couple weeks, I've done the whole not initiating it thing. I don't talk about sex, I don't touch her more than a few times a day (I've tried lots of touching with no sex also).

I don't want to care about anybody else or feel anything for anybody else, but as a younger male with very very high test levels (-very- high..) I have some needs. I've been controlling myself really well. I haven't cheated at this point because I really care about her. But is it cheating if she gives me permission and just wants me happy and i'm not getting it here anyway?

I'll give you my opinion if you like. Hopefully some others will chime in here. You're not married or even engaged so in the strictest sense, no it's not cheating. If you've pledged to be faithful than it sort of is but forget all that. You got bigger problems there hombre. Set me straight if you need to but what I'm seeing is a girl who describes intimacy with you as boring and not exciting and has dreams about being with girls and on the other hand, there is you - a guy considering sleeping with other women because he has a high sex drive and permission to do so. Otherwise things are good?

???

 

[jrs]

That's why I'm willing to find temporary pleasure elsewhere when I never have before.. because she can't find it in herself to be intimate with me or enjoy it much. It's weird, because she'll do the most caring thoughtful things every day, but wants nothing to do with that at all.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

That's why I'm willing to find temporary pleasure elsewhere when I never have before.. because she can't find it in herself to be intimate with me or enjoy it much. It's weird, because she'll do the most caring thoughtful things every day, but wants nothing to do with that at all.

Sounds like a friendship.

 

[jrs]

In essence, yes. There are lots of intimate feelings.. just not the act of sex.

 

[oldfella]

It is like this.......any man can fuck a woman!!! It takes a real man to make love to a woman and make her feel so very special while doing it.

I have been readng this thread from the beginning. Like Ouch I tend to sit back and waiting for some of the responses. The one issue YOU need to deal with my friend is that she has openly told you it is boring!! What does this tell you? Think about it? She says it is boring and uninteresting, get it? SO have you honestly considered that you are just not satisfying her needs and desires? We as men are so quick to point the finger the other way but while the finger is pointed at her the thumb points back at you! I am not having a shot at you but I see some what of a male ego creeping in here. How old are you? If this has been answered forgive me. But you claim to have had many women, many mentioned twice. Read the first paragraph of my post here and then go and ask her what she wants, what she desires from YOU. Ask her what you can do to satisfy her in all areas of your relationship with her, especially her sexual side. Going out to fuck other women.........well IMO I don't think that is in your best interest where she is concerned. Never mnd the fact she told you it was OK..................NO IT IS NOT and will not be to her. She just said this to relieve some of the guilt piling up inside her! Sorry to be so direct but you have a serious issue brewing here and it is important to get on top of this asap (pardon the pun)