This Is A Question For Everyone

Bio · Aug 12, 2009

The question is how much of your identity is wrapped up in your physique? Please take a second to think about this and answer honestly.

The reason I'm asking is because approximately two years ago I went to the 1st annual Flex Wheeler Classic Bodybuilding show in Fresno, Ca. and Don Long was one of the guests signing autographs at the show. Don is still huge and obviously using AAS. He was very open about his kidney failure and said that he is on dialysis six times a week.

For those that don't know, six times a week is about two to three times as much as a normal patient with kidney failure. It seems he has to go this often due to the fact that he still continues to use AAS. Despite what you might think of Victor Conte, he was there and I brought this up to him and he was genuinely saddened that Don was still going this route considering his medical condition.

It seemed to me that Don Long's identity is Don the bodybuilder and nothing not even kidney failure and common sense will change that. Over the years, I'm 40 now, I've had my share of injuries. Ten years ago I had an unsuccessful back surgery which knocked me out of lifting for some time. Just recently, 14 months ago, I blew out another disc in my back. With each of these incidences I lost weight and my body composition changed a lot. When I'm in this condition, I really have a bad physical self image. I really love the way I look when I'm in shape (220 - 230lbs & around 10% bf) and I identify who I am physically with that physique.

So, I'm just curious how others feel about changes in their physique and the esteem issues that can go along with it. This isn't about personality just physical appearance.

MrCyp · Aug 12, 2009

JJ-INSANE1 · Aug 12, 2009

Ok Bio i will step up here...

From the time i was 23 years old until i was 35 years old i was JJ... everyone knew me where i live. I was the biggest mother fucker on this end of NC. No shit. I had everything... convertible corvette, the works. I made 9 to 12k a week easy. I would walk into restaurants and grocery stores and people would just fucking stand there looking... men and women. My wife hated it. The "token" question was always "how much do you bench". We joked every time we would go out just how many times i would hear that.
I flew around the country.... miami, california, you name it. I did what i want and i even had policemen working for me. Believe it or not, even a DA here where i live. I had SO many friends... 14 or so every time we went out. I would pay for there vacations to Florida and the Bahamas just because they couldnt and i wanted them to go.
Around the time gear grinder rolled around i was coming to a halt. I had decided to weed out all the fake ass friends and stop blowing all my money.
It wasnt a matter of months and no one called. The money spending JJ went so they did also.
Ok... live was still good. Paid for vette... paid for CBR1000, paid for Boat... house... ect. My wife and I decided to have a child. We got married in Vegas and we where set... first time she had a miscarriage. She almost lost it. A child was her life and im the one who always wanted to wait. So... we sucked it up and tried again. Bam... she was with child. I was the happiest i had ever been. My father was my best friend in life. All he ever wanted was a grandchild and now he had one on the way. So... after Gear grinder went down, and i dodged the big bullet and lost alot of money along the way... i decided to quit and go back to work. I did just that. I sold the corvette, i sold the boat.... wrecked the motorcycle ... ect.
Thats when life turned on me. My wife had out child... and low and behold a year later my dad finds out he has cancer. I wont give details but it was very bad.... i went into complete depression. I had to watch my best friend and father wilt away to nothing.. then finally pass away on a warm day in May of 2008. My life fell all to hell. I actually tried to drink my pain away... when that didnt work i added pain pills and antidepressants. I was very selfish. I was leaving my son and my wife to sit there and watch me kill my self after just loosing my father and my sons grandfather. My life was crushed.. I went from the happiest ever... the big bad body builder, money rollin,... best daddy havin, a million friend toting... drug dealer to... nothing.
Not even a good dad. I was a very selfish person.
Then for some reason on Jan the 8th i was sitting on my sofa. I hadnt been in a gym for over 2 years because i took time out to help my dad deal with his cancer... My cousin and I basically took over his business just so he could live somewhat comfortable the last days of his life. I was dying inside. That day in January i somehow got a sign. I know this might sound corny... but either my dad or God or Jesus told me to get my drunk pill poppin ass off that couch and go get help. I called 911 and i was admitted into ICU. My kidneys had failed and all my organs where starting to shut down. Now.. i wont go into those details but... i lived.
All this shit happened to me for a reason. God left me here for a reason. Guys... i was eatting 12 to 14 hydrocodone... sometimes 3 or 5 oxycontin 40mg and snorting 6 to 12 xanax a night and chasing it with a half gallon of vodka ... day after day and by the grace of GOD i still woke up every morning.
After i got out of the hospital it was hard... my dad was gone and the reality of it was setting in... the sober reality. My son was wanting his daddy... he was turning 2 at this time. My wife wanted her husband back.
The thing is... i came back. I didnt come back as JJ the big time high roller... i came back the way God inteneded me to come back. A father first and a husband also. My life has changed so much. Sure the money is not the same but who gives a shit man... i have come to realize the HARD way that money and material items are NOTHING in this life. For those of you who have people that love you... get up every day greatful because some dont have that.
I found the true meaning of life....i lost alot on the road to learning it but thank GOD i had a second chance to enjoy it. I am ME now... not JJ. Sure i am JJ here... but no more high roller... no more parties and alchohol. No more of anything that doesnt involve my son, my family (my cousin mostly)and what couple of REAL friends i have.
So... im sorry to bore you with my drama... but if there is ONE person here or even at my church that can listen to my story and it even remotely help them then i have done what i think God has intened me to do by allowing me to stay here... and just be a DAD.

You guys are the best. Thanks for listening and always letting me be a part of this community.

To all you young guys that think having nice shit and bad ass cars ect is the life... just think back... when have you ever seen a hearse with a trailor hitch? You cant take it with you my friend.

MightyJohn · Aug 12, 2009

Many people on this board I'm sure....My weight fluctuates b/c I have bodybuilded, powerlifted & played professional roller hockey....whichever I am doing dictates My physique(bb-lean, v-taper...pl-stocky, waterballoonish...hockey...lean, smaller, high endurance) & peoples reactions when they haven't seen Me in a while hits home

stupidman · Aug 12, 2009

don long, mh what should i say, if the insurance pays it, crazy.
i think the question is ,how important the look of your body is for you.
i am old and after the long time training and admiration for bodybuilders i think if you have an expensive sportscar and your body does not look great than its senseless to have the car.
thats the maybe the idiotic thinking you have, after too much bodybuilding.ha,ha.
when you get serious ill you should forget it and be glad you live, but to be honest when i was, my first time out of the bed was to the mirror and thinking oh god my muscles.
maybe musclecrazy is also a kind of illness.

maldorf · Aug 12, 2009

JJ, I really identify with you on this one. I just about lost my life last summer when I had a heart attack and then a near lethal arrythmia. I posted about the experience here http://www.professionalmuscle.com/forums/professional-muscle-forum/37736-just-survived-heart-attack-age-38-follow-up-phils-post.html

Now I dont really lift or exercise too seriously, I cannot. If I push it too hard I can feel sick and can really feel the strain on my heart. I do still lift though, havent given up. Body composition has changed a lot. I do really miss looking the way I used to and feeling the way I used to. I loved nothing more than the feel of the heavy weight on my back when I squated. It was those squats though that almost killed me 2x. I still squat,lol. It is in my blood. Ive been lifting seriously since I was 15 and im 39 yrs old now. Married with 2 little girls. I feel like you. When you face death you realize how trivial the bodybuilding is compared to what really matters in life. The relationships you have with family and friends are what really matters.
I am more fearless now than ever though. After almost dying twice I dont fear death at all. I try to think more now about how I treat others and be the best person I can be. I am not nearly as self centered as I was when I was so serious about bodybiulding. I dare to say that I may actually be enjoying life more now than before the heart attack. One cardiologist told me ,after I pressured him to be honest, that I had 10 to 15 years in me. He is probably right. I want to make those years good and at least graduate from high school.

maldorf · Aug 12, 2009

Bio said:
The question is how much of your identity is wrapped up in your physique? Please take a second to think about this and answer honestly.

The reason I'm asking is because approximately two years ago I went to the 1st annual Flex Wheeler Classic Bodybuilding show in Fresno, Ca. and Don Long was one of the guests signing autographs at the show. Don is still huge and obviously using AAS. He was very open about his kidney failure and said that he is on dialysis six times a week. For those that don't know, six times a week is about two to three times as much as a normal patient with kidney failure. It seems he has to go this often due to the fact that he still continues to use AAS. Despite what you might think of Victor Conte, he was there and I brought this up to him and he was genuinely saddened that Don was still going this route considering his medical condition.

It seemed to me that Don Long's identity is Don the bodybuilder and nothing not even kidney failure and common sense will change that. Over the years, I'm 40 now, I've had my share of injuries. Ten years ago I had an unsuccessful back surgery which knocked me out of lifting for some time. Just recently, a 14 months ago, I blew out another disc in my back. With each of these incidences I lost weight and my body composition changed a lot. When I'm in this condition, I really have a bad physical self image. I really love the way I look when I'm in shape (220 - 230lbs & around 10% bf) and I identify who I am physically with that physique.

So, I'm just curious how others feel about changes in their physique and the esteem issues that can go along with it. This isn't about personality just physical appearance.

That is really sad to hear about Don Long. Mike Matarazzo has a totally different approach though. He almost died like I did, from a heart attack. He doesnt lift at all anymore, nothing. I guess Don just cant give it up, no matter what. He must not have a family?
here is the audio interview with Mike.

http://www.professionalmuscle.com/forums/professional-muscle-forum/41685-audio-interview-mike-matarazzo.html

optgrowth · Aug 12, 2009

WOW JJ, thx for sharing that. I know that had to be hard for you, but thank you. Takes a strong man to admit his faults. You my brother are truly one of a kind.

JETHRO TULL · Aug 12, 2009

Thats a great story, JJ.

JJ-INSANE1 said:
Ok Bio i will step up here...

From the time i was 23 years old until i was 35 years old i was JJ... everyone knew me where i live. I was the biggest mother fucker on this end of NC. No shit. I had everything... convertible corvette, the works. I made 9 to 12k a week easy. I would walk into restaurants and grocery stores and people would just fucking stand there looking... men and women. My wife hated it. The "token" question was always "how much do you bench". We joked every time we would go out just how many times i would hear that.
I flew around the country.... miami, california, you name it. I did what i want and i even had policemen working for me. Believe it or not, even a DA here where i live. I had SO many friends... 14 or so every time we went out. I would pay for there vacations to Florida and the Bahamas just because they couldnt and i wanted them to go.
Around the time gear grinder rolled around i was coming to a halt. I had decided to weed out all the fake ass friends and stop blowing all my money.
It wasnt a matter of months and no one called. The money spending JJ went so they did also.
Ok... live was still good. Paid for vette... paid for CBR1000, paid for Boat... house... ect. My wife and I decided to have a child. We got married in Vegas and we where set... first time she had a miscarriage. She almost lost it. A child was her life and im the one who always wanted to wait. So... we sucked it up and tried again. Bam... she was with child. I was the happiest i had ever been. My father was my best friend in life. All he ever wanted was a grandchild and now he had one on the way. So... after Gear grinder went down, and i dodged the big bullet and lost alot of money along the way... i decided to quit and go back to work. I did just that. I sold the corvette, i sold the boat.... wrecked the motorcycle ... ect.
Thats when life turned on me. My wife had out child... and low and behold a year later my dad finds out he has cancer. I wont give details but it was very bad.... i went into complete depression. I had to watch my best friend and father wilt away to nothing.. then finally pass away on a warm day in May of 2008. My life fell all to hell. I actually tried to drink my pain away... when that didnt work i added pain pills and antidepressants. I was very selfish. I was leaving my son and my wife to sit there and watch me kill my self after just loosing my father and my sons grandfather. My life was crushed.. I went from the happiest ever... the big bad body builder, money rollin,... best daddy havin, a million friend toting... drug dealer to... nothing.
Not even a good dad. I was a very selfish person.
Then for some reason on Jan the 8th i was sitting on my sofa. I hadnt been in a gym for over 2 years because i took time out to help my dad deal with his cancer... My cousin and I basically took over his business just so he could live somewhat comfortable the last days of his life. I was dying inside. That day in January i somehow got a sign. I know this might sound corny... but either my dad or God or Jesus told me to get my drunk pill poppin ass off that couch and go get help. I called 911 and i was admitted into ICU. My kidneys had failed and all my organs where starting to shut down. Now.. i wont go into those details but... i lived.
All this shit happened to me for a reason. God left me here for a reason. Guys... i was eatting 12 to 14 hydrocodone... sometimes 3 or 5 oxycontin 40mg and snorting 6 to 12 xanax a night and chasing it with a half gallon of vodka ... day after day and by the grace of GOD i still woke up every morning.
After i got out of the hospital it was hard... my dad was gone and the reality of it was setting in... the sober reality. My son was wanting his daddy... he was turning 2 at this time. My wife wanted her husband back.
The thing is... i came back. I didnt come back as JJ the big time high roller... i came back the way God inteneded me to come back. A father first and a husband also. My life has changed so much. Sure the money is not the same but who gives a shit man... i have come to realize the HARD way that money and material items are NOTHING in this life. For those of you who have people that love you... get up every day greatful because some dont have that.
I found the true meaning of life....i lost alot on the road to learning it but thank GOD i had a second chance to enjoy it. I am ME now... not JJ. Sure i am JJ here... but no more high roller... no more parties and alchohol. No more of anything that doesnt involve my son, my family (my cousin mostly)and what couple of REAL friends i have.
So... im sorry to bore you with my drama... but if there is ONE person here or even at my church that can listen to my story and it even remotely help them then i have done what i think God has intened me to do by allowing me to stay here... and just be a DAD.

You guys are the best. Thanks for listening and always letting me be a part of this community.

To all you young guys that think having nice shit and bad ass cars ect is the life... just think back... when have you ever seen a hearse with a trailor hitch? You cant take it with you my friend.

I am sorry you lost your dad, but I am glad that in the process of all that your relationship with God is strong.

I feel the same things you do about the important things in life. I really appreciate you sharing these facts about your life and loved ones.

JETHRO TULL · Aug 12, 2009

Bio, I notice that I feel a LOT better about myself when I am lean.

Bio said:
The question is how much of your identity is wrapped up in your physique? Please take a second to think about this and answer honestly.

The reason I'm asking is because approximately two years ago I went to the 1st annual Flex Wheeler Classic Bodybuilding show in Fresno, Ca. and Don Long was one of the guests signing autographs at the show. Don is still huge and obviously using AAS. He was very open about his kidney failure and said that he is on dialysis six times a week. For those that don't know, six times a week is about two to three times as much as a normal patient with kidney failure. It seems he has to go this often due to the fact that he still continues to use AAS. Despite what you might think of Victor Conte, he was there and I brought this up to him and he was genuinely saddened that Don was still going this route considering his medical condition.

It seemed to me that Don Long's identity is Don the bodybuilder and nothing not even kidney failure and common sense will change that. Over the years, I'm 40 now, I've had my share of injuries. Ten years ago I had an unsuccessful back surgery which knocked me out of lifting for some time. Just recently, a 14 months ago, I blew out another disc in my back. With each of these incidences I lost weight and my body composition changed a lot. When I'm in this condition, I really have a bad physical self image. I really love the way I look when I'm in shape (220 - 230lbs & around 10% bf) and I identify who I am physically with that physique.

So, I'm just curious how others feel about changes in their physique and the esteem issues that can go along with it. This isn't about personality just physical appearance.

I've never been super huge [although I think that would be awesome!] but I have been fairly heavy and reasonably lean. 292lbs was my highest ever bodyweight.

I am far more sexual, when I think I look good. I enjoy the gym more when I think I look good. I like swimming more when I have abs. Other than that...I am pretty much the same idiot all the time. Laughing and smiling everyday.

I'd be a real asshole if I couldn't workout though...I can say that with some certainty.

j4ever · Aug 12, 2009

I feel ya JJ, My body comp is very different than it was years back. I was in the military with ambition and beleive me i was driven, then i had an injury that took all that from me including banging out heavy squats and deads, i ended up being on crutches for 2 years with no weight bearing on right leg also went thru a few surgeries,when i got off the crutches and rehabed fairly well it was me against the world for several years i wont go into the details but i will just say i put myself on the line all the time basically had a death wish,i lost a couple of partners along the way but for whatever reason i am still here. But like Bio was saying i cant stand not workingout and i get a really bad image of myself it is still frustrating not being able to train like i want to but at least i can do what i can do and i have actually made decent progress over the last few months. JJ sorry you for lose i also lost my father to cancer about 2 years ago.

machola · Aug 12, 2009

maldorf said:
That is really sad to hear about Don Long. Mike Matarazzo has a totally different approach though. He almost died like I did, from a heart attack. He doesnt lift at all anymore, nothing. I guess Don just cant give it up, no matter what. He must not have a family?
here is the audio interview with Mike.

http://www.professionalmuscle.com/forums/professional-muscle-forum/41685-audio-interview-mike-matarazzo.html

wow! awesome link. everyone should hear this interview

Bio · Aug 12, 2009

Thanks to JJ, Maldorf, MrCyp, MightyJohn, LEX, etc for sharing. I really hope some of the competitors here post their experiences with their physiques and the affects it may have had. Not necessarily the bodybuilding lifestyle but physique changes that altered your sense of well being and self esteem. I think it would be great to hear from some of the "greats" that are the backbone of this board...People like Phil, BigA, Emeric, Jethro, Mainevent, BigHeinz, Mike P, Alex, Dusty, Chris250, Marilyn, Lynx, etc, etc, etc.

LEX · Aug 12, 2009

its interesting how much your "physique" becomes your id.....I am on the downside of being big...no more 290 lean....now its more like 275 and trying to stay presentable..lol....its a hard pill to swallow especially if for over 15 years of your life you have been a "monster" its strange how it becomes a part of who you are...but we will all be small again...its a fact if you live long enough....but its all part of the game...shit the worst thing about being a monster is remembering what is was like....I remember doing 1 leg leg presses with 8 plates a side for 15...doing pull ups with 150 db strapped to me and a body weight of 290...doing incline db presses with the 150's for 25 reps...behind the neck military st8 bar with 315......I know that isn't
shit to really strong guys but it was big for me and I felt invincible...
also its so hard to see yourself at 4 percent bodyfat and then look at yourself in the mirror EVER again......

but now when people ask if I am gonna compete or what ever anymore I really in my heart may want to but more than that want to provide for my family and their future so I am trying to find a happy medium. strange how our lives change so much......I can remember wanting to be big so bad it literally felt like I was drowning.....too bad I didn't have that intensity for getting into med school....but i can say I have memories that a rich man can't buy.....that's my ramble....hope it made sense...

cannibal · Aug 12, 2009

JETHRO TULL said:
I've never been super huge [although I think that would be awesome!] but I have been fairly heavy and reasonably lean. 292lbs was my highest ever bodyweight.

I think 292lbs has gotta kinda put you in the super huge bracket

shoestring · Aug 12, 2009

JJ.. Great post, thanks for sharing that. I am 41 now & try not to get to wrapped up in my physique. I try to look good , but things start falling apart at my age anyways..

optgrowth · Aug 12, 2009

Hey Lex, great post. You're a great husband and father... or family man, I don't really know your background. But anyways, you're a man who would live with out just to give his family a better life. You"re not selfish! Unlike me... I am selfish, I'm 24 and I don't think about having a family, I would like to but I seen a lot shitty relationships go sour, divorces in my family. I just rather not end up as one of those statistics. I really can't keep a girl around long enough bc I don't give them the time. I'd rather work and train then have someone else in my life. Training has become an addiction to me. I had a slipped disc and I the doc said no training... 3 days of no lifting I started getting migranes and I was seriously depressed from not being in the atmosphere. Seemed like withdraw. I didn't know what to do for about 3 weeks.. the first week I felt like complete shit due to the injury, but I was moving around some, but it wasnt doing any good. I couldn't keep my mind from thinking about the gym. The doc told me I was okay to do some light upper body.. after that visit I went straight to the gym. To be honest, my back isnt 100% I see the chiropractor everytime it bothers me. But I like lifting heavy, I know i'm putting myself at risk.. but if don't push myself I feel like I havent accomplished shit. The gym is probably the only peace of mind I have right now.. and of course friends. But you lose contact with people along the way and see a lot of them lose a battle to drugs. I'm one of the few of my friends who's stayed grounded and I thank the gym and the lifestyle it's given me for that.

JJ-INSANE1 · Aug 12, 2009

machola said:
wow! awesome link. everyone should hear this interview

Yes... everyone should hear this. I agree. It really is an eye opener. Especially if you where a Mike M. fan like i was. I honestly thing that if anything that has to do with this life style every bites me in the ass it will be along the lines of what happened to Mattarazzo.
You know... sometimes you just "feel" like you know how things will end up. I feel that way when i listen to that interview.