Divorce and forced to leave....

zephyr22 · Feb 24, 2009

Life has not been good to me as of late. My wife is divorcing me, and im being force to move out of our house. I dont know how to take this. Im upset, hurt and just dont know what to do next. I could see this comeing but did nothing to prepare for it. I have a stepson who I have been around since he was about 4 yrs old. He is now 14 almost 15. I feel like they both want me out. I know that the wife does for sure. Se has moved in to the guest bedroom. This is horrible. A few years back my wife moved out for 12 weeks and I felt like shit severely. Now, I know that this is the end. How the hell am I supposed to cope with this????? All my medical training etc...in psych etc...is worthless when you are trying to help yourself. I dont even know how to be by myself anymore. I know many people in the world have had to go through this but man this is killing me. I know legally I dont have to leave but man when someone is telling you to leave because youre not wanted around there it is very hard to stay. She is not a money grubber or anything like that so its not about money. She is just not happy. She told me she is looking for the "fairy tail man who rides up on the white horse" and I guess thats not me. I know im not perfect. I have seriously messed up many things in our relationship but im trying to be the better than that. Doesnt that count for anything???? She states its just too late and that my actions never follow what I say. Hell maybe shes right maybe im incapable of having a "normal" relationship. Im so depressed, i dont know what to do..........

klowndog · Feb 24, 2009

Life is a bitch sometimes but you just have to keep your head up, stick your chest out, and handle it.

This may be an old saying, but after the rain, the sun always comes out.

Try to think more about where you want to go with your life, what you want to do with your life, rather than where you are at presently. You have to stay positive.

I don't know if I'm right in this, but the way I see it is you gotta love yourself first and foremost, because you ain't never gonna cut out. If you love yourself above all others, it's not such a big deal when others exit the stage. Forget about that bitch. There are TOO MANY fish in the sea, dawg. I know there's some single hoes out there where you live. Stay positive. This is going to be an awesome year if you make it one.

marilyn · Feb 24, 2009

ok Klowndog

You really started out so well, then it changed at the end.....he may take offense to you calling his wife a bitch...you can see he loves her and this is hard on him...hes depressed.
So, all I can say is she may just be going through something, and it is best to give her space right now...who knows it may end well if you both separate and have some positive time apart....Sounds tough hearing that from your point of view.
I hope you can stay focused, busy, go meet new people, get the best body ever, and you may look at it differently....We cannot control others.

Designbuilt · Feb 24, 2009

It's tough to give advice, because every relationship is different. But I've been there myself.

I recently (from Dec to Jan of this year) had a lot of tough times with my wife, we were even signing divorce papers, I had them drawn up, entered them and did everything but final them.

I have a place to go and move into, right in downtown, but one main reason that I came back was because of my son.

We kept going back and forth, talked a bit and worked things out. At first I gave in and apologized, but I felt bad and unmanly for doing so, and there were still things that bothered me, things from years ago, that I never brought up.

She was extremely upset at me, because she said that her life was never so perfect as it is now.

Then we fought again. But the last time, we really spoke about it, established some ground rules and now our relationship is stronger than ever.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that sometimes you really have to let every single thing out, you may have a very bad fight, but you have to put everything out there and be completely honest about everything. At that point, when nothing else matters, all the lies are confessed, you can make up your mind.

You can go on living like this, and if she is stubborn, she will keep sleeping in that room, I've seen it happen.

Don't do that silent treatment, test of wills bullshit! It's time to put all the cards on the table. Because if you make a major decision, it has to be for good and for a good reason.

We haven't had a serious argument since then and everything seems to be a lot better now.

This is the happiest that we have ever been, btw, even happier than as newly weds.

So good luck and I hope that everything turns out for the best.

zephyr22 · Feb 24, 2009

Yeah,...

It seems like any thing she says to me is basically like "you knew this was coming, why havent you found a place a too live yet". Anything else is like it has no emotion to it at all. It feels like some underlying feelings of frustration because I have not left yet. I know leaving will be hard on my stepson and me also but I guess if thats what has to happen I will do it. Financially ill be fine etc.....obviously ill have to compromise some because it was a two income household. Im sure shell have to economize also. Yeah, I love her but I have been thinking that we are just too different. Also, I guess I have to realise I cant change how someone views something. I can only say what I think and how I view it and try to understand there view. It is hard right now so I guess I just need to stay positive and keep doing the best I can. I know it wont be easy. Thanks all for the replies I appreciate more than I can even say. Thanks again.

pesty4077 · Feb 24, 2009

zephyr22 said:
It seems like any thing she says to me is basically like "you knew this was coming, why havent you found a place a too live yet". Anything else is like it has no emotion to it at all. It feels like some underlying feelings of frustration because I have not left yet. I know leaving will be hard on my stepson and me also but I guess if thats what has to happen I will do it. Financially ill be fine etc.....obviously ill have to compromise some because it was a two income household. Im sure shell have to economize also. Yeah, I love her but I have been thinking that we are just too different. Also, I guess I have to realise I cant change how someone views something. I can only say what I think and how I view it and try to understand there view. It is hard right now so I guess I just need to stay positive and keep doing the best I can. I know it wont be easy. Thanks all for the replies I appreciate more than I can even say. Thanks again.

You hang in there Brother, and if you ever want to talk about it, we will listen. It is a tough thing you are going through, I have a few friends who been through it. I personally have not, but can understand your circumstance. You love her and now that is gone, that is not an easy thing to deal with. I don't know if you are religious, but I am going to say a prayer for you and hope God pulls you through.

notsobig32 · Feb 24, 2009

Hey bro,

Hang in there. I have been through divorce...hell almost 2 of them. And they suck but while it might seem like at times you aren't going to make it or you are not going to get out of bed, you will.

Focus on the positive things in your life and as far as your stepson goes, it seems like he is important in your life. Make sure that from here on out you do EVERYTHING that you say you are going to do. And have the discussion with her about the possibility of seeing your stepson if he is ok with it.

Just do allthe right things bro and let life unfold as it may. Focus on the things in life that YOU have control over and don't sweat the things you don't.

zephyr22 · Feb 24, 2009

Thats the hardest part...

I have no control on what happens from here on out. I can only control what im going to do. I see that now for sure, but it doesnt make it any easier. Yeah, Im a christian (just not a great one). I thank you for your prayers also. I think its time I start doing a little more praying myself. Once agian thanks guys. Im sure a lot of people dont know me around here anymore but ive been here a long time. Just dont post as much as I used too. Thanks again.

Designbuilt · Feb 24, 2009

The last bit of advice is what I gave myself when I was going through these times. If the breakup is inevitable, just do it. The sooner that you do it, the sooner you can start recovering.

It's a lot easier said than done, but once you've exhausted all options you have to make a decision and stand by it.

I hope that it works out for the best and I will remember you in my prayers as well. God always answers prayers but you need to make them.

Good luck

Tom · Feb 25, 2009

Don't move out yet

Don't move out till you get the OK from your lawyer. At least in my state that is looked at as abandonment and can come back to bite you in the ass. Best of luck to you in this mess. I'll keep you in my thoughts bro.

klowndog · Feb 25, 2009

Designbuilt said:
The last bit of advice is what I gave myself when I was going through these times. If the breakup is inevitable, just do it. The sooner that you do it, the sooner you can start recovering.

It's a lot easier said than done, but once you've exhausted all options you have to make a decision and stand by it.

I hope that it works out for the best and I will remember you in my prayers as well. God always answers prayers but you need to make them.

Good luck

You're gonna be fine bro. Seems like you're getting out of this one with your nuts still intact. You are being realistic about things. Some friends have gone through similar situations, and they are in denial the whole time, just plain pathetic. Seems like you already know what has to be done, and though it may be sad, you are well ready to handle it.

thebrick · Feb 25, 2009

My advice…

First of all, I am sorry to hear this. Sounds like you have been together about 10 years? I was in my first marriage about 17 years and it ended much like yours… this will be a very stressful period for you, but it is temporary. Some advice from an old man on the board.

1) Don't move out until you consult your lawyer. Don't walk away from what is 50% yours.

2) Protect any legal documents that belong to you (your car and/or motorcycle titles, credit card records, change passwords to your online banking if applicable, etc.) Even your wallet stays right with you. My ex used to sneak into my room while I was in the shower looking for money while we were in the middle of it legally (my wallet was right with me). Not saying it will happen to you, but being safe can save you a LOT of potential headaches. Divorce can bring out the nasty part of people that you didn't realize was there.

3) Try not to let this get to your self-esteem too much. Its a natural reaction though. But, marriage is an commitment between TWO people, and if she is not wanting to work it out, there is nothing you can do. She is in for a HUGE disappointment in life if she is looking for a "fairy tail man who rides up on the white horse". That's why its called a "fairy tale"

4) Live each day, one day at a time with the goal in mind that you are reaching that day you can get your life back. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will. You will learn to be single again and you will learn a lot about who you really are. You will reach a day when you can let it go and enjoy your life again. You just might discover it was the best thing that ever happened to you. I did.

Good luck and hang in there.
Mick

Ness · Feb 25, 2009

Like said above,

1. DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS RIGHT NOW. You are not in a position to make choices that will change your life forever.

2. GET A LAWYER. They see this everyday and will give you confidence to take action to protect your future.

3. Stay positive and introspective. You may find that after this storm passes, you are actually better off. Things build up day after day and you may be a very unhappy person without knowing it. Take this as a learning experience in becoming a better person and live a better life.

4. DO NOT GO LOOKING FOR REBOUND SEX. Keep it in the pants! Wait until everything is final before you go looking to "improve" your confidence.

5. Live life without regret. Take your time, breath deep, do what you believe is right and live your life. You will find yourself in a better spot.

6. Good luck. Im sorry.

randysavage · Feb 25, 2009

If you have nothing helpful to contribute, keep your thoughts to yourself, Mr. Savage.

Pekkerwood · Feb 25, 2009

What Brick said x 2.

Been there, done that.

eger1 · Feb 25, 2009

Not that it matters, but give her the boot. Stay in your house.

Sigmund Roid · Feb 27, 2009

Zephrr22,

Firstly, sorry to hear you are having problems. It's easy to discuss these matters when you aren't the one personally experiencing the situation.

You've had training, so you are fully aware of this fact. So this is a review for you, due to the fact that our emotions often cloud clear thought.

As others have mentioned in previous posts, controlling others doesn't work without tremendous cost to the relationship. As in holding that person prisoner of holding a gun to their head.

You can't do that, so the next option is to focus on the things you are able to have control over. What can you control? Your thinking and your behavior!

So review the things your are thinking. We all have thoughts that we repeat to ourselves all day long. Many times negative or untrue affirmations, a mantra if you will, of garbage, controls what we are willing to do. We put ourselves in a box.

Search those thoughts and make a list of things you can do, things you can control, that will take you in a positive direction. Some of the individuals above have given you excellent suggestions.

Think before you act. Think. Most people have it backwards. Right now you have this FEELING of sadness. Were you to ACT on this feeling, you might make a poor choice, such as abandoning your house which is half yours. Then later you might THINK after it is too late. Do you see the order of operations there? FAT= FEELING ACTING THINKING. You want to reverse that order and THINK, first.

You've mentioned your concerns about your step son. Well, one thing you can do is not spend so much time worrying and talking about the situation. (It sounds like you have been talking with the wife without much success, etc) You CAN let your actions do the talking. Do things with that person, show your level of caring by actions, not words.

Make a list of things you can do and check them off one by one. Action in a positive direction, just doing something, will help with the feeling of helplessness.

ericraven2003 · Feb 27, 2009

I have been married 11 years. The first 3 I was obsessed with lifting.I was never around. She stayed. We had a kid, and I didn't spend enought time home. For the next 6 years, I was obsessed with working and making money. I grew up poor and all I could see was money. She stayed(loved the money, but I took her for granted). 2 years ago, I started making changes.8 months ago she wanted to divorce.We talked, and I change everything. One, I got back in shape,lost 46 lbs. Two, start spending all my free time with the kids are her.Three we started basically dating again.

Now, is it perfect. No, BUT she loves me again, and I love her. The majority of everything that went wrong was my on fault. Its easy for guys to get caught up in their own lives and loose the real goal. Family. I got lucky. She was willing to stay while I change. Most of the time, they are so past caring that there is no chance.

If this is your fault then suck it up, and move on OR see if you can be the knight and ask her if you can date again. Just my opinion.

Sigmund Roid · Feb 27, 2009

RandySavage,

randysavage said:
Did she get tired of the protein farts?

I am going to get a little vulgar.

Any more stupid shit like this and you are fucking gone. Got it?

Gators · Mar 10, 2009

Oh damn, i hate anyone going through this because i'm living it now. It's a pain i've never felt before, i'm quite sure it the same for you, rejection is terribly destructive on the ego, especially when it's by someone you love and trust. My best advice is seek professional counseling, and see if she will do the same. They will get to the root of the issue and keep civility in the discussions, the sooner these issues get into the sunshine the sooner the healing will begin, IMO. I hate to say this, hope i don't sound like a dick, but the dynamics of the family hinge on the man, usually. It's not fair, but it's up to us to set the example and lead by serving. IMO, it takes a much bigger man to say your wrong and admit your shortcomings and address them, When she sees you are truly working on them, good chance she will start stepping towards you. I don't know the situation, but it sounds like she's saying she cannot go on the way things are. Take the challenge head on Bro, it's tough, but you can do it. If you're a believer, get on your knees everyday and pray, hard and often. My belief i think is the only thing that got me through the really really really dark days. And if you can Bro, get by yourself and cry your ass off, get that shit out of you, it really helps.

PM me if i can help by listening and telling you where i've been and where i am now.